Bernie could only stare at the inbox of her email. The subject line from Serena mocked her, and she found herself lacking the courage to open it and see what her…friend had sent. And then, after twenty minutes of staring, a new email popped up, from Hanssen, of all people. Again, the subject line taunted her. "Oh wanderer, come home?" she said aloud as she hovered the mouse on it, trying to find the nerve to read what he had sent her. Somehow, she knew that Hanssen's email would be the more emotional of the two, even though the man himself showed so little emotion. He was placid, calm, and steady, and yet he could elicit deep feelings from so many people.
Finally, she let out a long breath and closed her eyes as she pressed the button. Then it took a few more long breaths before she could open her eyes to see what she had been written.
Ms Wolfe, I don't know if Serena has yet found the strength to swallow her deeply wounded pride in order to contact you, so I thought that I would take the opportunity to do so. I informed her of your decision to stay in Kiev, despite finishing your work, and it affected her deeply, though she was quite quick to deny that.
I'm worried about her, Ms Wolfe, deeply. And now that I've stepped down as CEO of Holby in an effort to get my own house in order, I also worry about our hospital. We need the two of you there, working together, to keep the ship steady in the storm that is certain to descend in my absence. Mister Griffin can only do so much, and I need him protecting Serena from herself.
So, if you can find it in you, please wrap things up at the hospital and come home. Just remember, when you see her once more, that Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can't heal. That won't make any sense to you now, since you're removed from the current situation, but I'm certain that it will all come into focus from the moment you step back onto AAU. And please, let a foolish Swede believe that there might be true love left in this world.
Yours, Henrik
Bernie found herself in tears by the time she reached the end of his email, and with shaky fingers, she clicked the next button to read what Serena had sent it. It was much shorter, very abrupt, and not like her Serena at all. "The hospital needs you," she scoffingly whispered as she closed the tab and leaned back in her chair, staring up at the ceiling of her bedroom. "Couldn't you at least have said that you need me?"
Shaking her head, Bernie quickly decided on her next course of action. Hanssen was right, she was needed back at Holby, and the sooner she was home, the better. Obviously, she needed to fix things between her and Serena before she lost yet another person that she loved. Returning to his email, she sent a quick reply, telling him that she was planning on being home as soon as she had her effects packed.
Fourteen hundred miles, three hours of flying, two more hours on a train, and then a thirty-minute taxi ride, saw her returning to Holby a week later and she felt for all the world that she was finally home. A sense of rightness filled her chest as the cab driver passed by Serena's home, and a small part of her longed to have him stop and let her out there. That, she knew, would be unwelcome, so instead she pressed her palm against the window of the car and stared as they continued on.
"Did I pass by your stop?" the man asked, and Bernie realized that she had turned her head around to stare out the back window.
"No, I'm sorry, we just passed a good friend's house, and I was hoping that I would see her in the yard. I'll just have to call her later, I suppose."
He nodded and kept driving, silence once more falling over the vehicle. Finally, they arrived at her flat, and the driver helped her lug her bags to the doorstep before taking her money and leaving her alone. And she really was alone, since Cameron and Charlotte hadn't spoken with her from the moment she left for Kiev. Just like Serena. She really had worked so well at completely cutting out everyone in her life that she had ever loved, and for the first time, she wondered if she would be able to make things right, with any of them. Sighing deeply, she shouldered her duffle bag before unlocking the door and letting herself inside. This was going to take a long time to fix, but she knew that she would have to be the person to take the first step, to show that she was back, for the long haul, and that she wouldn't deliberately hurt them again.
Monday morning came too early for her liking, and Bernie slunk into the hospital as quietly as she could, hoping that no one would call attention to her. She had checked the rota Ric had sent her the previous night, noticing that her name was right under Serena's, and that they were scheduled to share the shift. Which would have been fine, had Serena reached out to say something, since she had most likely noticed the same thing as her.
And so, here she was, feeling like a thief stealing into a home, waiting for the lift. "Bernie!"
Her back stiffened a little as she recognized Raf's voice. Turning her head, she gave him a quick smile before looking down at the floor, not certain that she was liking how this day was shaping up so far. "Hey. What did I miss?"
"A lot," he replied as he motioned her into the car. "I'm glad that you're back before things got any worse. We're short on porters, and Serena, well, there are nasty rumors about her flying about the hospital."
Bernie gasped as she raised her face, unable to hide the hurt there as she gazed at him. "What are they saying about her?" Raf glanced away, as if he didn't want to answer her, and she reached out, curling her hand around his bicep and squeezing none too gently. "Tell me."
He swallowed as he nodded. "There's a rhyme. None of us know who came up with it, though Dom has done his level best to quash it every time he hears it."
"Yes?"
"You're not going to like it." Bernie narrowed her eyes, trying to keep from biting his head off. "All right. Crazy Campbell, pudding and pie, kissed the girl and made her cry."
"Fuck."
"I know. But she acts like it doesn't bother her. I know that's not true, because she's not hiding her drinking, from anyone. I've not said anything about it, it's not my place, but she's lashing out in so many little ways, that it won't be ignored for much longer."
Bernie blinked back her tears, knowing they wouldn't help anything, and let go of him, thankful for an empty elevator, where they could speak freely. "How could I have been so stupid?" she breathed out as she wrapped her arms around her torso, staring blankly at the wall ahead of her.
"Well, wanderer, you've come home now, and hopefully, that's all that matters."
It was a bit of a shock to hear Hanssen's words echoed from Raf's lips, and she gave a jerky nod as she pressed her lips together, so hard that she thought her teeth would break through the tender skin and draw blood. "If she'll accept me back," she muttered as the doors opened on AAU.
"We're rooting for you." Raf gave her a knowing smile, but the hint of sadness in his eyes told her that things between them were broken, too. Shaking her head a little, Bernie raked her fingers through her hair and started for the office. Their office. And suddenly, her blood began to run cold as she hoped and prayed that Serena wouldn't be in. She didn't want to see her that early, didn't want things to be awkward and wrong, which is somehow what she knew would be the case.
The lights were off in the room, which made her relax a little, and Bernie set her bag in her chair before taking off her coat and hanging it on the tree, next to Serena's. Unable to stop herself, Bernie leaned in and brought her cheek to rest on the soft wool, trying to keep it together long enough so that she could go to the locker room and get changed for the day. "Oh, I've missed you, Serena." The words escaped her mouth before she realized it, and once more she was glad she was alone.
Clearing her throat, Bernie pushed away from the coats and smoothed her hands down her torso before heading back out into the hall and making a beeline for the locker room. She was almost clear of running into Serena when she heard the familiar, dulcet, tone of her voice, coming closer and closer to her. There wasn't any time to duck into a room, and she braced herself for the interaction to come.
It was quite clear when Serena set eyes on her, because her voice dropped to a harsh whisper. Bernie tried to meet her eyes, but the sudden shame she felt caused her to dart her gaze away, not wanting to see the disappointment and hurt there. "Glad you could finally tear yourself away from Kiev, Ms. Wolfe."
Serena's voice was brittle. That was the only way Bernie could describe it, and it hurt her heart more than she ever thought possible. "It's good to be home." Serena let out a soft snort before brushing past her, and Morven gave Bernie a sympathetic look as she trailed in the woman's wake.
"Crazy Campbell strikes again."
Bernie turned on her heel to glare at the porter, righteous fury coursing through her veins. "If I ever hear words to that effect come out of your mouth again, I will see you out on your arse. No questions asked. Am I clear?" The woman had the decency to blush as she nodded, scurrying away while Bernie continued to glare, unable to do anything else.
The first week passed quietly, but the silence was not friendly. Serena made certain to leave the office the moment Bernie appeared, busying herself with menial tasks that a nurse or porter or F1 could do. And it hurt more than she had ever thought possible, more than being blown up by an IED, more than when she had been in surgery, and she wondered at what point in her life emotional pain had grown so deep as to surpass physical pain.
The next Monday started out badly, and Bernie found herself running twenty minutes behind by the time she got out to her car. A quiet voice in the back of her head asked if that was because she was less than eager to see Serena, and she chased that thought away quickly, not wanting to dwell on it. Fate seemed to be conspiring against her, however, as an accident had caused the traffic to back up, and she was stuck with just her thoughts. "I love her," she whispered, "and I have no way of letting her know that. Not with how things are between us."
Letting out a deep breath, Bernie banged her head against the steering wheel, sending up desperate prayers to whatever god was deigning to listen that things would get moving soon, and she could throw herself into the mind numbing bustle of her day.
By the time she arrived at the hospital, she was a full two hours late, and she took the stairs two at a time in order to make up some time. Puffing a little, she burst into their office and dropped her bag on her desk with a thud. Serena looked up from her paperwork and then glanced at the clock as she ticked up an eyebrow. "Traffic," she replied, feeling guilty.
"I see."
That was the most they had said to each other in eight days, and Bernie soaked up the syllables as she shrugged, one corner of her lips turning up as she rummaged through her bag and pulled out a box of biscuits. "Here. They're still your favorite, I hope," she said in a rush, thrusting the box towards Serena. The moment the weight was out of her hands, she spun on her heel and retreated from the room, not certain that she could handle seeing rejection on Serena's face.
As she blindly took off for the locker room, feeling like her heart was going to burst from her chest by the way it was hammering, she ran into a warm wall of a person. "Is everything okay, Bernie?"
Looking up, she stared unseeing at Raf's friendly face, shaking her head a little. His hand came to rest on her shoulder as he guided her into an empty room, closing the door behind them to give them some privacy. "I don't know how long I can take the big freeze."
He nodded sympathetically as he led her over to an empty chair and gesture for her to sit. It was so easy to follow orders, falling back on her military training. "If it helps, she's the same with us all. Doesn't let anyone close to her, as if by keep people at arm's length, she can keep herself from being hurt again. It doesn't make it any easier to hear, but it helps fit things into the bigger picture, yeah?"
She gave him a small nod, trying to keep the wobble from her lips. A familiar shadow passed by the window of the room, and Bernie felt her brow knit together almost painfully as she focused on keeping things together. "She hates me."
"Oh, Bernie, no. She loves you, more than you possibly know, and that scares her. Trust me in that."
Bernie focused her gaze on Raf, finally feeling safe enough to release a few tears. "I just can't seem to make any headway, Raf. And I'm so glad that you've, at least, made peace with my decision. I don't think I could bear being here without at least one friendly face."
"Fletch and I, we're not getting in the middle of this. We're going to be kind to both of you, because that will keep things running smoother. And I know, that whatever punishment I would want to mete out on you, you're giving yourself in double measure. Try and be kind to yourself." He reached out and rubbed her arm tenderly, giving her a small smile. "Now, you need to get ready for the day."
Bernie gave him a small salute with her fingers as she stood and slipped from the room. Heading down the hall to the locker room, she felt her breath catch in her lungs as Serena started towards her, dressed in those sky blue scrubs that Bernie found so heavenly on her. Their eyes met, and Bernie gasped at the well of pain that lurked there, pain that she didn't bother to mask, and she fought to keep from breaking down at the sight. And suddenly, Hanssen's words began to make more sense.
"Thank you. For the biscuits."
"You're welcome." She gave Serena a fleeting smile as she passed by, feeling her heart leave with the woman.
"There has to be some rest for the weary," Bernie said as she sank down into her chair two days later. Serena was still in theatre, completing a complicated surgery, which left her alone in their office. Glancing over at Serena's desk, she noticed the mountain of paperwork that she was behind on, and Bernie shook her head a little. Raf was right, things were not sunshine and roses, but there was a way that she could make things better.
Getting up out of her chair, she went around to Serena's side of the office and sat down in her chair. Waking up the computer, she crossed her fingers, hoping that the woman hadn't changed her password in the time that Bernie had been gone. Still, she held her breath as she typed in Elinor's name, only letting it go when she was let in.
As she picked up the first file on the stack, she found that Serena was a little farther behind than she had anticipated, and settled in for a long afternoon, hopefully uninterrupted. Paperwork had never been her strong suit, she much preferred working on patients, saving their lives, interacting with them, over the tedium of this. Still, it would help Serena, and in the end, that was all that mattered to her.
A large hand set a cup of coffee down next to her hand, and she looked up to see Ric standing there, a bemused smile on his lips. "I was just coming to see how Serena was doing on her paperwork, and find that she has a little helper doing it for her."
She gave him a guilty smile as she picked up the cup, taking a sip. The caffeine coursed through her system, giving her a much needed boost, and she leaned back a little as she considered him. "I noticed that things were starting to get a little backlogged, and since I have some free time, I thought that I would help."
"That is very noble of you."
She shrugged. "It's the least I could do, after everything that happened. My own personal hair shirt, you see?"
"I do." He took a seat on the edge of the desk and regarded her closely. "Just don't burn yourself out trying to do two jobs at once, okay? We need you, now more than ever. Serena's been off kilter for a few weeks, and there's only so much I can do to cover for her. I'm sure you understand."
Bernie nodded as she looked back at the computer screen. "I'm doing my best, but when you've only shared fifty words, total, in ten days, well, that makes things rather difficult."
He nodded as he rested his hand on her shoulder, rubbing his thumb back and forth in a comforting gesture. "Promise me that you will always keep trying. She needs to let her rescue begin, Bernie, and somehow I feel that that will be you."
"Does everyone know about us, then? Wait, stupid question, of course they do. The hospital grapevine works even faster than the internet at disseminating information. God, I can only imagine how she feels at having her personal baggage strewn about for all and sundry to pick through. It's not fair!"
"Life is hardly ever fair, Bernie."
"But she deserves better than fair! She deserves to have the world at her feet, offering her the best it has to offer, not scraping around for some modicum of respect from people who aren't even worthy of doing her shopping!" She didn't know why she was opening herself up to Ric, they'd never been particularly close, but it felt right to tell him this, as if she knew that he would hold her confidence. "She deserves better than me."
"That is a damn lie, and you know it, Bernie Wolfe. You're not perfect, none of us are, but it is through our imperfections that we find perfection together."
He gave her arm one gentle squeeze before standing and making his way over to the door. "Keep my secret, okay?"
"Of course, Bernie." He smiled before leaving and closing the door.
Bernie turned back to her work and started on the next file, finding the coffee quite adequate at making things go a little faster. Soon, she had lost herself in the files, and it was only when she heard voices buzzing outside the office that she realized how much time had passed, and how much she had gotten accomplished. Hurriedly, she saved the last thing she had worked on, closing the file and setting it in Serena's outbox before scurrying over to her side of the desk and grabbing out the first thing her hands touched in her bag.
She groaned a little when she realized it was some trashy book that Cameron had insisted she would love, but she had to go with the charade, in order to keep Serena in the dark about what she had done. The door rattled a little and she opened the book to a place in the middle, burying her nose in it as Serena sailed in.
"Oh, I didn't expect to…"
"Just finishing up a short break before I do my rounds. Got lost in a book." Closing it forcefully, Bernie leapt to her feet and rushed from the room, letting the book fall to the floor in her haste to escape, and almost missing the tender look that Serena sent her way as Bernie closed the door behind her. Still, her heart sighed a little as the first inkling of thaw appeared between them.
"I hope that you're planning to get that for Serena."
Bernie looked up into Cameron's smiling face and shook her head with a sad smile. "I would love to purchase this for her, but I'm not so certain that it would be well received. After all, jewelry can be an intimate gift, and we're not in that place any longer."
"But you could be! You love her."
"I do, however that's not enough, sometimes. Especially since I was the one that ran. She wanted me to stay, and I couldn't. I stupidly ran, and shattered her heart, when she was in a fragile place."
"But you can pick up the pieces, and try to put them together again. Will it be perfect? No. But isn't it worth trying?"
She cocked her head to one side as she stared at her son. "When did you grow up?" she asked as she reached out to ruffle his hair lightly, needing a moment to settle her emotions.
"I don't really know. But I do know that you need to woman up, and start bridging that gap between the two of you. It's awkward, being on the ward and trying to play interference. And I'm not going to keep doing that. So, you have two choices today. Buy that pendant for her and give it to her, or I will, and say that it's from you."
Bernie knew that tone well, since she had used it quite often on him and his sister. "Fine," she muttered as she picked up the box and began to make her way up to the register. Really, it was a lovely pendant, the delicate blue and green cloisonné world reflecting Hanssen's words, and she hoped that Serena would appreciate it. Though she didn't know if the gift would be accepted.
"If you can't tell her why you're giving a gift, you could leave a card. I picked one out for you."
Cameron thrust a delicate confection of a card at her, and she frowned a little at the frou frou nature of it. While it wouldn't have been something she would have chosen, it was perfectly Serena, and she wondered how her son could know the woman so well. "This is spot on, Cam. Thank you."
He beamed at her before disappearing back into the shop, and she continued on her way up to the till. The clerk gave her a warm smile as she handed the items over, and Bernie returned the gesture, finding it so easy to be nice. "Would you like me to gift wrap this?" the older woman asked, and Bernie hesitated a moment before nodding.
"If you had a purple ribbon to go on it…"
The clerk grinned as she reached beneath the counter and pulled out black paper spangled with silver stars and a deep purple ribbon. "Would this work?"
"Perfectly," she murmured as she reached out and touched the ribbon. It was soft, like Serena's skin, and bright tears sparkled in her eyes. "Really, I don't think there's anything more lovely in the world."
"This is for someone special, then?"
Bernie nodded as she pressed her lips together, trying to keep her tears from falling. "She means the world to me, so I wanted to give her the world. Or as much of it as I could."
The clerk nodded as she wrapped the small box and then tied the fanciest bow Bernie had ever seen around it. It was ostentatious, but perfectly Serena, and she sighed a little when the woman set it in a bag along with the card before ringing her up. "I take it that this is an apology of sorts?"
"Yeah. Or the next attempt. You wouldn't happen to have any advice?"
"You're not too far away from love, ever. If things are serious between the two of you, you can make it work. It's hard, though, and you'll probably cry," Bernie let out a watery chuckle, "a lot. And it's okay to cry. Trust me."
"All right," she replied as she swiped her card, not balking at the price of the pendant. Serena was worth more than that, more than she could ever afford, and this was just a small gesture of her contrition. "Thank you."
The clerk nodded and Bernie picked up the bag as she made her way out of the shop, Cameron jogging over to her side. "I'm glad you listened to me, Mum. Serena really will like the gift. And if you write something thoroughly sappy and sentimental, she might just start talking to you again."
"That would be nice," she replied as she hooked her arm through Cameron's, holding onto him as they faced a bracing winter wind. "Has, has she said anything to you? Anything that you could share?"
Her son reached over and patted her hand gently. "Not directly, no. But from what I've gleaned from her interactions with the others, she is softening up a little. Morven is calling it the Bernie effect." Cameron laughed as he nudged her with his shoulder. "So, even if she isn't talking to you, you are in her thoughts. Hold on to that." Bernie nodded and let him lead the conversation as they continued to walk, glad for the small insight into Serena's brain.
Serena hadn't said a thing to her after the gift had been laid on her desk. And for a time, Bernie thought that she hadn't opened the package, since Serena was always wearing the familiar double charm necklace that seemed to be her constant companion from the moment Bernie had met her. It stung a little, certainly, but it wasn't really unexpected.
And then, one week after giving it, Serena appeared in the office, her cheeks flushed from the cold, and Bernie couldn't help but grin at her, thinking her absolutely lovely. "You're here early," she remarked as she stripped off her coat and scarf, hanging them on the tree before taking a seat behind her desk.
"I couldn't sleep, and there was paperwork to do," Bernie said softly as she glanced at her. Her breath was stolen from her lungs when she noticed that Serena was wearing her necklace. "It never seems to end."
"Yes, one of the perks of being admin." Serena gave her a shy smile before rummaging around in her bag and pulling out a rectangular gift, a silver bow tied around the middle. It was a bit sloppier, which meant that Serena had most likely tied it herself, but that made it all the more dear to her. "It's nothing much, but I think you'll like it."
Bernie nodded as she took the package from her hands. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me until you open it. I'm heading down to Pulses, coffee?"
"Sure," she replied off handedly as she slipped the ribbon off the package and slid her thumbnail beneath the first bit of tape, breaking the seal as Serena left the office. The first thing she saw was a small envelope, her name written on the front in Serena's elegant script. Deciding that it was better to read what she had written first before looking at the gift, she tore open the envelope and pulled out a few sheets of paper.
Leaning back in her chair, Bernie let her eyes roam over the pages, not really reading the words as she drank in the fact that Serena had opened her heart and written back. Finally, she drew in a deep breath and began to read.
She was still reading when Serena returned, and she accepted the cup from her outstretched hand with a murmured thanks as she turned over the second page. "You're still reading?"
Bernie didn't look up as she nodded. "I didn't want to rush through this. It's more than we've said to each other in weeks."
Serena hummed under her breath as she began to tap away on her keyboard. "And I appreciate you doing my paperwork. You didn't have to."
"I did. And I will continue, until things are more even keel."
There was a long stretch of silence and Bernie looked up from the letter to see that Serena was staring at her, her expression far more open than it had been in a long time. As they continued to stare at each other, Bernie felt the first tears begin to course down her face. It was a surprise to her, the knowledge that she was the first to break down, to cry, but it felt right. Serena reached up and began to worry the pendant with her fingers as she, too, started to cry. "I'm crazy Campbell. I don't think things will ever be on even keel again."
"Your kiss didn't make me cry. I did that to myself." She looked down into her lap, setting aside the letter that went into greater detail of what Serena had endured in her absence. And then she picked up the present and removed the rest of the paper, revealing a book of World War I poetry. "How did you…?"
"It seemed right. Just like this was perfect for me." Looking up, she saw that Serena was still crying, and she cradled the book to her chest as she stood, making her way over to the woman's side and crouching down next to her. "Bernie…"
"I can't keep doing this, Serena. I can't."
"Neither can I. Please, my precious wanderer, come home."
"Yes."
"Tonight."
"Yes."
"My home."
"Yes."
Serena reached out and caressed her face, her fingers running over the planes of her cheeks before rubbing against her lips, as if memorizing their shape. "You don't have to say yes to everything I ask."
"I know. I just, I want to talk, and I don't think that this is the appropriate venue. So, yes."
A tiny smile tugged up the corners of Serena's mouth, and then she was leaning forward, placing a soft kiss on Bernie's cheek. "I wish that this was the end of our work day. I really need to talk to my friend, because I've missed her so."
The soft, gentle, tears soon turned into a torrent of heart wrenching sobs, and Bernie set the book on the desk before gathering Serena in her arms and holding her close. A slight noise in the doorway caught Bernie's attention, and she glanced over to see Raf giving them a soft smile. "There's a RTA coming in, ladies, and we'll need your help. You have a ten-minute window to get changed and into theatre."
"Thanks, Raf," she said lowly as she turned her attention back to Serena, slowly wiping her face free of tears. "All right, Serena?"
"Yeah." She gave her a wobbly smile as she returned the favor. "Until tonight?"
"Yes."
Bernie felt terribly uncomfortable as she shifted her weight from foot to foot on Serena's porch. She had went and bought a good bottle of Shiraz, hoping that it would help smooth the way with her. Still, she found it hard to reach out and knock on the door and let Serena know she was there.
And then, the woman in question took away that option, as she yanked open the door and pulled her inside. "You would have frozen to death if you had stayed out there much longer. Did Kiev steal your courage?"
"Maybe."
"Oh, Bernie." She vaguely heard the door close, but all she could focus on was the way that Serena enfolded her in a tight embrace, her head burrowing into the crook of Bernie's shoulder. "I'm stubborn, and prideful, and I just didn't know how to back down. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for being my friend, when I was less than friendly."
The rest of her words were muffled by the way she pressed her mouth against Bernie's collarbone, and she held Serena close as they both sobbed. There was something so cleansing about their grief, and she just prayed that she wouldn't lose her hold on the wine. "Serena?" she asked as the grip around her waist slackened.
"I think I've made myself sick from crying so hard. This is going to be so glamorous, but would you?"
"Yes."
"There we are again, with the yeses."
Bernie laughed a little as she hooked her arm around Serena's waist. "Yes." Serena let a giggle slip from her lips as she guided Bernie over to the stairs and then up them. A part of her wondered if Serena would lead her into the bedroom, but that thought was quickly dashed, as she opened the door to a large master bath. "Why does it not surprise me that you have a claw foot tub?"
"And it is heavenly to relax in. Maybe one day, you'll get that opportunity."
"I'd like that."
They shared a quick smile as Serena sank down onto the floor and rested her head on the cool porcelain of the toilet. Bernie joined her, reaching out to run her hand up and down Serena's back as the woman struggled to keep from throwing up. She set the bottle on the counter so that she could focus entirely on her Serena. "This wasn't how I planned on our talk going."
"I'll take what I can get. This is more than I thought would be afforded me. I, I wish you had called, or emailed, or even written, but I understand why you didn't. Because I didn't deserve your kindness, not after I smashed your heart to pieces."
"Well, I think I gave as good as I got. I should have treated you kinder when you returned. After all, you did so much for me, gave me so much, without asking anything of me in return. I wanted to lay down my burdens, with someone, anyone, who would listen to me, but I even pushed Jason away. There was no one for me to turn to, because I had made you my world, and once you were gone, I couldn't talk to them. They were mocking me."
"I know, sweetheart. I've tried to take care of that problem, but you know people."
"Yeah." Serena looked up at her. "You don't think I'm crazy, do you?"
"No." She emphasized her declaration with a sharp shake of her head before scooting closer to Serena and resting her head against her arm. "I think you are incredibly brave to have made it this far alone, after I left you in the dust. Do you want to share the bottle I brought, once you're starting to feel a little better?"
Serena gazed into her eyes before shaking her head. "I think I've been drinking too much. I think that I need you to watch that aspect of myself. Because Edward, he, I, we didn't get a handle on it before it became a problem. Please?"
"Yes." She leaned up and kissed Serena's cheek. "Now, since we are going to abandon this fine bottle of wine here in the bathroom, I think that we should head to living room and talk?"
"Or the bedroom."
"Isn't that a little fast, Campbell?"
"Not at all, Wolfe. There's not going to be any hanky panky, let me assure you."
Bernie nodded as she stood, stretching a little to work out the kinks in her back. Looking down, she held out her hand to Serena, helping her to her feet and receiving the hug that was given her. It was just proof that she had broken a part of Serena, since she hadn't been so bloody desperate before she'd left. And Bernie just hoped that she could hug the broken pieces of her heart back together.
Somehow, they made it into the bedroom, coming to rest on the mattress, Serena on top of her, her face once more buried in the crook of Bernie's neck as she sobbed. "I almost had myself pulled together, Berenice. Almost. And then you had to love me once more."
"Hanssen said something to me, he said that Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can't heal. He saw your sorrow, he knew far better than I that you were drowning, and he wanted me to help. I didn't know if I could, at first."
"Oh, you did," Serena whispered as she began to unbutton Bernie's shirt. She stiffened, not knowing what Serena was trying to accomplish. "I just need to feel the warmth of your skin against my cheek. Please."
"Yes." She shrugged out of her blouse, letting it drop to the floor. "May I feel your skin against mine?"
"Yes." In one smooth motion, she pulled the soft fabric off Serena's body, making certain to keep her eyes focused on Serena's face, not wanting her to feel self-conscious. "You can take the bra off, too. It's rather uncomfortable to sleep in underwire."
"Okay." Bernie's fingers fumbled with the clasp, suddenly feeling nervous at this step. It was so intimate an act, and she didn't want to derail their reunion by seeming too eager, or focused on physical pleasure. That would come later, she knew, when they were in a better place. Still, her fingers brushed against the swell of Serena's chest as she tugged off the wisp of fabric, letting it join the rest of their clothes on the floor, and she made a low sound of want as she felt just how soft her Serena was. The woman returned the favor with her bra, moving more smoothly than Bernie had anticipated, and she smiled a little as their skin smooshed together, Serena's body a welcome weight atop her.
Bernie woke up alone the next morning, and she frowned a little as she sat up. Looking around the room, she noticed that her shirt and bra were neatly folded and resting atop the cedar chest that rested at the foot of the bed. Listening carefully, she made out the sound of water running, and wondered just how late they were.
As she turned her head to look at the clock, the water turned off, and she stiffened a little, trying to keep her thoughts pure and chaste. It had been a long time since she had fallen asleep with someone after a long talk, and her soul felt a million pounds lighter, knowing that they were back on track as friends, with the potential for something more.
The bathroom door opened, and Bernie's eyes widened as she was treated to the sight of Serena clad only in a fluffy towel, her hair plastered to her head. "We're going to be late if you don't get your arse moving, Bernie. We'll ride in together, of course, since it will save time, and I want to pick up our talk from where we left off last night. You fell asleep on me, and there's still so much to say. But I will get this out of the way, so it's not hanging over our heads. I love you, Berenice Wolfe."
A daffy grin spread across her face as she slipped off the bed and padded over to Serena's side, wrapping her arms around the woman's waist, heedless of her partial nudity. "And it might take me some time to say those words, but I do feel them. Here. Deep in my heart." She lifted Serena's hand to her chest and then sighed a little as Serena turned her head and pressed her lips against the place her heart rested. "Do you mind if I jump in the shower?"
"No, there should still be some hot water left, too. I'll pick a fresh top for you to wear, so that there won't be too much gossip around us coming in together. It would look beyond the pale for you to show up in last night's shirt, too." Serena lifted her face and kissed Bernie's lips softly. It was their first kiss since Kiev, and the tenderness felt right to her. "Now go. I'll get ready and then make breakfast."
"Yes, Fraulein." She gave her another quick kiss before stepping away and heading into the bathroom. It was so easy to strip off the rest of her clothes, folding them and placing them next to the unopened bottle of Shiraz before stepping into the shower and letting the water wash away some of the remaining detritus of her journey. She had come home, to Serena, and finally she was stepping out of her sadness and fear into love once more. Her thoughts turned soft and sweet, thinking about where they would go from here. Serena still loved her, and she loved Serena, and there was a part of her that knew, finally, that that would be enough. That she didn't have to wander anymore to know that she had a home, had someone who was home, and the joy that welled up in her heart at the thought nearly brought her to her knees.
There was nothing to be done about soap and shampoo, so she resigned herself to being distracted all day by smelling like Serena, and she quickly washed her body, eager to be with Serena once more. After drying off, she struggled into her skinny jeans before popping into the bedroom and putting on her bra as she looked at the blouse Serena had chosen for her. It screamed that it was not Bernie's, and she figured that the grapevine would be in overdrive from the moment they arrived. But Bernie found she didn't really care, since she knew what was really important, and that she would fight tooth and nail to defend her dear Fraulein.
Shrugging into the blouse, she smoothed it over her torso, smiling to see that it was a wee bit large on her. "Are you coming or not?" Serena asked as she popped her head into the room, giving her a tiny smile.
"Yes, darling." The endearment slid off her tongue like honey, and Serena sighed as her smile grew. "What did you make us for breakfast?"
"Jason made bacon and eggs, and they're getting cold. He doesn't abide tardiness to meals." Serena came over to her side and reached out for her hand, stopping just short of clasping it. Bernie took the initiative and grasped it tightly, letting herself be led from the room. "And that looks so much better on you than it ever did me."
"I rather like wearing you close to my skin. So, can I keep it?" she asked teasingly.
"Of course!" Bernie relaxed a little as she moved closer to Serena. "There isn't anything in this world I wouldn't give you, to make you come home to me."
"I feel the same way. Even if you didn't traipse off to Kiev…"
"I still left you, emotionally. And for that I am sorry."
Bernie stopped them on the bottom stair, turning to look at Serena. The woman turned and gave her a small frown, and Bernie smiled as she reached out and cupped Serena's chin, letting her thumb rub back and forth across her cheekbone. "Never apologise to me for Kiev. Never. My actions caused your reactions, and for that, there is no need to apologise." Leaning in, she pressed a chaste kiss to Serena's lips, so glad that she had come home at last.