Stage one.
Denial.
Denial, is the first stage out of 5 stage of grief. They help us to survive from feeling of loss, and emptiness. In this stage, Denial, the world becomes pointless, meaningless, and is overwhelming. You can't figure out which is real, and which is not. You are in complete shock. World just don't make sense anymore. You wonder how can you go on, and even if you can, you kept asking why would you want to go on. You try to do such simplest thing to get your mind off of it, you try to find a way to get through each day. Denying helps you ease your mind, and forget this cruel sad world, erasing all the memories of the lost ones, temporary. As you start to accept the reality, it all came crashing down to you. You start to ask yourself a question that yourself could never answer. Unknowingly, you feel like you've become stronger. But as you rise, as you stand up from the ground where you fall, all the feelings you were denying starts to surface too.
I woke up and saw the flickering light of the phone on the night stand beside my head, my trembling hands went out to reach it. 2 a.m. I sit there, with my head rested on the comfortable headboard, feeling light-headed. The pale traces of tears. The scattered tear drops. They are no more than dreams melded together. No matter how much we hold on. In the unending night, sighs continue to be heard. Yet following the beautiful memories. The heart remains unchanged. Questions and thoughts started to fill my head, why must I see this image of you inside my head? I feel ill.
I don't know where it came from but, the memories. It started to flood inside my brain. I still don't understand why I was born into this world. It's almost as if, I've become an artificial and nothing bothers me. But when I fall down, blood still flows from my wound. So tell me, will you show me, tell me all the secret, your secret, why you loved me. Tell me why, why does it feels like this world is so empty? This world is never ending, an endless series of good-bye's. I remember those words coming out from your lips. The moment I heard you said that, I get this feeling, that you are not wrong at all. I remember when you held my hand tight that Monday night in the middle of the pouring snow storm, with my coat all soaked up from sharing umbrella with you, and your cheeks are as red as the leaf of the plum tree with a single tears falling from that exquisitely beautiful eyes of yours. You said,
"One day, if by chance, awakening comes , let the two of us silently meet in a vast future. Even if it takes a hundred years, I will continue to wait. Even if I have to be thousands of feet off the ground."
She never told me. That she was sick. I realize that she was terribly ill, but I never want to know. I'm denying all the fact that she is not fine. I am a terrible person, and I never wish I was one. And I wasn't there when she needed me the most, was? I wasn't there to hold her hand when she became weaker each breath she took. Now that I think of it, when is the last time we held each other's hand and intertwine our fingers, like nothing in this world will tear us apart? I didn't ask for this to happen. I don't want to hurt myself. But I was selfish. I didn't want to see you in pain, I left. Your bleeding heart, the stained time that has passed, the things you've hold dearly, everything. Please, I ask you, I beg you, will you show me?
I have never felt so lost. So very empty inside. I feel like there's a hole inside me which is begging me to fill it with love and hope and you. Maybe my problem is that when I'm lost, I look for you. Not myself. I let myself drown in your smell. I seek comfort by being with you. The moment that I knew I loved you, is when "home" went from being a place to being a person. And it's you. You're my home. You're what I demand to accompany me inside this loneliness. I never stopped loving you, I just stopped showing it. Because I know how much it hurts. People said that the truth was better, but I was never sure that I really agree with this. Because everytime I know the truth, I always hope that I could wake up and pretend like I don't know anything about that.
This days feels like years when I'm alone. I need you so much right now. I never thought that I needed you when I cry. I've lost certain people in my life, and I've moved on. But I've never felt like this before. Everything I do, everything I see, I feel, is reminding me of you.
Although, it would be easier if I hate you. But on a day like this, I'm sure I will remember again. Your warm hands, and the intoxicating smell of lavender in the summer haze. Your warm gentle fingers on my cheek and the taste of strawberry chapstick on my lips and I remember you said,
"No matter what kinds of wind blow, nothing will change. This feeling will never ever be changed."
I see your smile. That beautiful enchanting smile of yours. It never fails to capture my breath away. My heart stopped right after. It's my kind of drugs, my alcohol. I'm addicted to it, I'm always craving for it, for you. And that's never good. I wanted more, I am greedy for your love, sweetheart.
And I refuse to believe. What's the meaning of this? Of love. What's the point of caring for each other, and to live side by side if in the end we'll just forget everything we've ever done, and all the sweet memories. All that's left is just in photographs. This heart aches. It's a big mistake. I ended up falling for you without knowing that you almost ran out of time. And I still can't believe it. And I won't believe it. I've lost you unexpectedly. I can still feel your presence on my bed, and it lingers. The clothes you left on my doorstep, it smells exactly like you. Warm breaths of fresh fragrant body. You told me all about your dreams. As well as your hopes. God please send this millions of my love to her. It never crossed my mind, never the slightest I imagined that you're leaving me here, alone and drenched in my tears.
I wish I could lose this feelings as fast as I lose you.
And yet, I still won't believe it. I refuse to.
Until then , I will drown myself in the thoughts of us.
- End -