Based off the song Whispers In The Dark by Mumford And Sons
Pairing: Phan (Danisnotonfire x Amazing Phil) {Ends Kickthefire (KickthePj x Danisnotonfire) }
Rating: T
Warnings: Drug Abuse and Some Swearing
Disclaimer: I don't own the song.
A/N: Okay, so I'm not too happy with this one (at all, it sucks to me..), but I wanted to get some feelings out. I figured what better way to do it than write about it..so here you are. I may do a different story to this song later, as I want to do more with it. So..yeah. Read and review if you like? -Abandoned
You hold your truth so purely
Well swerve not through the minds of men
This lie is dead
This cup of yours tastes holy.
"The world is so beautiful." He whispered, his awe crackling through his soft voice. His eyes were wide, taking in the sight of the bustling city below us for the first time in months. I smiled grimly, shaking my head slowly beside him. Oh, how wrong he was. The world was ugly. Caked with murder, addiction. Hollowed with loneliness, lack of love. But, I turned back to him, his utter perfection. He was pure, clean once again. He was the person people should look up to. He was the light, shining onto the world in great waves. He was the holiness people spoke of. He was the beauty he spoke of. Without him, the world would be nothing. At least, mine wouldn't. He was clean and I was happy.
But a brush with the devil can clear your mind and strengthen your spine
But fingers tap into what you were once
And I'm worried that I blew my only chance.
It started with a pill at a party. 'One pill.' He had said. 'Just one.' I knew it wasn't good for him, just getting clean and all, but it was just one pill. We were both stressed from work, and he needed some kind of release. One pill couldn't change anything...right?
Three months later and I found bottle of Oxycontin in his sock drawer. 'I must have brought it home from mum's on accident. I'll have to call her and tell her.' He evaded. He left the room in a hurry. He did visit his mum recently... One misplaced bottle couldn't change anything...right?
Wrong. Six months later and he comes home screaming. 'Why do I even put up with you?!' This isn't the first time. Small irritations, that's how it began. What channel we watched, what food we ate, where I went and who with all suddenly mattered. It escalated quickly, he started to scream. Screamed until he couldn't scream anymore. Then he'd hit me. Beat me bloody until he passed out cold on the floor. It was then I'd sneak out slowly to my room, locking the door, and cried until morning. I didn't sleep anymore, too terrified while waiting for him to return home. I didn't see friends anymore, too many bruises to hide. I didn't smile anymore, I didn't have any reason to. I didn't do much of anything anymore, to be honest. But one more night with him wouldn't kill me...would it?
Whispers in the dark
Steal a kiss and you'll break your heart
Pick up your clothes and curl your toes
Learn your lesson, lead me home
Spare my sins for the ark, I was too slow to depart
I'm a coward but I'm not a fraud, I'd set out to serve the Lord.
He got better for awhile after that. He would still yell, hitting me around at times, but at night he would sneak into bed with me and hold me close, softly whispering apologies onto my neck. I would close my eyes and just listen to his silent cries, his tears dampening my hair when he decided I was asleep. I wasn't. I heard every silent sob, felt every heartbreaking tear, tensed at every soft kiss to my temple. Once in awhile, he'd steal a kiss on my lips, and I'd let him. But it felt wrong. It felt wrong to let this man who hurt me hold me close. It hurt to let this man kiss me in such a loving way when I knew the next day would only bring pain. It killed me to know I still loved this man, despite all that.
It's been two years since he took that first pill. Twenty-One months since I found the first bottle of many. And it's been one year since he hit me for the first time. Tonight, I find myself standing in front of the door to our- his apartment for the last time. Only the necessities sit at my sides, neatly packed away in easy to carry bags. One final note of goodbye lays silently upstairs on the kitchen bar. And one last tear slides down my face as I drop my keys on the floor, taking my bags and stepping out the door. Softly, I close it, beginning my decent down the stairs. This was it.
'My precious Phillion,
It breaks my heart things had to end this way. You were doing so well, we were so happy... But...you had a dance with the devil, Phillip. And he changed you- not for the better. Times got hard. And I made the mistake of letting you slip, but it was too late, you had fallen. I just want you to know that I don't blame you for what's happened, I blame myself. If I hadn't let you slip, you wouldn't have fell so low. I can't stand to see you like this, and I can't let myself be hurt anymore. So, this is goodbye. It was coming for a long time now, we both know that, and I was a coward. But not anymore.
Phillip Michael Lester, I will always love you,
Daniel James Howell'
But my heart was colder when you'd gone
And I lost my head but found the one that I love
It hurt. It hurt so damn much to leave Phil. He may have hurt me, but fuck it, I loved him and it hurt to lose him. That night was probably the worst night of my life. I was lost, alone, and terrified. No where to go, I had walked the streets for weeks. Somewhere during my fifth day of walking, I collapsed in an alley and passed out. I'd probably had drove myself insane, or starved to death staying in that alley for over a month. But, despite all odds, he found me there one night, shivering and crying. I looked like shit, no doubt, but he didn't care. He helped me up, and let me lean on him as we walked back to his apartment. He cleaned me up, not complaining once about having to wash me. Then, he fed me, smiling at me sitting at the table as he cooked over the stove. His smile was breathtaking.
Pj. His name was Pj. He took me in without a qualm, and slowly I began to open up to him. Months passed, and finally the time came where I told him about my past. And, for the first time in over a year, I felt the corners of my mouth lift. I felt my dimples pressing my muscles, I felt the vibration of my vocal cords as I laughed. Laughter, happiness, peace. I felt at peace with this boy. And he cared about me. He smiled right along with me, and laughed a joyous tune, so pleasing to the ears. When I looked into his eyes, I saw a future, I saw something I haven't seen in what feels like forever.
"The world is beautiful, Dan." My breath caught in my throat as I stared at him in awe. He just smiled, tilting his head gently to the side. "But not nearly as beautiful as you."
Under the sun, under the sun
But fingers tap into what you were once
And I'm worried that I blew my only chance
Fingers tap into what you were once
And I'm worried that I blew my only chance!
But my heart was colder when you'd gone
And I lost my head; let's live while we are young
While we are young
While we are young
While we are young.
I was young. Naive to think I found a perfect love so early in my life. Little did I know, love is right here, under the sun, my head in my husbands lap. Love is feeling at peace with your life, knowing who you were once and knowing who you are now. Love is losing your mind and being okay with it, because you lost it together. Finally, love is forever. I will forever remember my final words to Phillip Michael Lester. 'Phillip Michael Lester, I will always love you.' And it's true. I still do. But I know this is where I belong. So, I'm going to live while I'm still young.