I was 14 years old at the time. My jiggly friend Susan was on my couch. She had some Fritos wedged between her breasts. I was so turned on. Before I continue and pull you into my beautifully erotic story, let me introduce myself. My name is Antwon. I am a ginger-haired "African American" just trying to live my life and get through 4th grade. My favorite book is The Great Gatsby, which I have read at least twice. So back to the present. While I saw the reflection of the movie Con-air (starring Nicolas Cage) reflect in Susan's eyes, I knew that I could not continue my life without Susan. I grasped her Bodacious cheeks in my wiry fingers and slowly dipped my tongue in her ear. She whispered, "I love you my sweet Karkat," and then I put my thingy in her you know what and we did it for the first time. The next day my family decided to drive to the geneology lab. Whatever, I'll just text my #1 boo the whole time. Apparently they needed a sample of my blood for some "tests." I just took the vial of blood that I always keep hidden in my thong and poured a drop onto their testing swab. 12.3 hours later, the test results were in. It turns out, Susan's mother had a fling with my father in high school, and my father was the real father of my gf. The first thing that came to mind when I heard the news was Oreimo. The second thing that came to mind was Le Cousins Dangeraux. Obviously this news is supposed to shock me and make me sad, (a similar thing happened to a friend of mine and she was sad) but all the news did was put a rumble in my loins and a tightening in my shorts. I couldn't take it anymore and broke down. I ran into the bathroom and looked for some vaseline. I got some from the lady in the stall I broke into. Even though I was alone, it felt as if I was with Susan. As I rubbed my schlong quicker and quicker, many thoughts went through my mind. I thought of Putin, the time I walked in on my mother showering, and of course, my half-sister Susan. A minute later, when I reached climax, I was overjoyed. The dopamine coarsed through my veins and filled me with in inquenchable passion and desire. My legs extended, my arms extended, and my neck extended. I was now 33 feet tall. I broke out of the geneology laboratory through the roof and sprinted to Susan's house. As I broke through the front door/back door/roof I walked into a ghastly sight. The ogrelord, Shrek, had Susan bent over the couch and was pounding her like a baby pounds a banana. Shrek grabbed an onion out of Susan's rectum and slowly put it into my mouth. I'm crying a little bit (only because of the onion) and whispers into my ear "It's all ogre now." Shrek leaves through Susan's window. Shrek is love. Shrek is life.