I know that this house, these people, this town, is not supposed to look familiar. I've never set foot here before, why should any of this look even vaguely familiar, but still I cannot help myself. Everywhere I look, I'm waiting for something to look familiar. I'm waiting for some glimpse of a memory, just one small glimmer of the past I can't remember. No matter what I do, or who I talk to, I want something to feel familiar. Nothing ever does.
All I remember are those pink flowers on that huge tree, it's shade casting over me and that black haired girl, Mana. Of course, nothing about me, my life, or who I am is stored in my memory, but I know from the look in her eye that she cares for me more than any other person I've met so far. The matters of romance and love, and the trials of the heart are like second nature to me, but still nothing about who I am, or who I used to be lies in my memory.
She gave me this farm to work, and I don't think I was a laborer in my life, my real life, because these tools and this work is hard on my body. My hands had been smooth when I met Mana, and now, after only a season of working this farm, they are rough and calloused. My back aches less now that I have been working the field a bit longer, but the summer storms taking out my crops probably has something to do with that as well.
Slowly, I stopped thinking about the memories I wish I had as my real life, and this life I had now as my temporary one. One day at a time, this life became my real life, and walking into town became the high light of my days. At first I could not figure out what it was that made me much more comfortable, but it took only a few days for me to see the truth. It wasn't really the town that made my days so much brighter, it was that girl.
There was something about her, and I don't think I'll ever know what it is, but I know it's there. Other than farm work, reading the women around me is all I know, though I don't think I would like to know how I became so talented at reading them. It makes me worry. I can't imagine anything worse than a wife from that old life appearing in Alvarna ready to take me back that life. I don't think I could handle that. I don't think I could ever imagine my life away from her.
I suppose the only thing worse that already having gotten married to another woman, is that I had perhaps several girlfriends. That would certainly explain why I have such a gift for reading women. That's not what she says though. She simply stares at me with her emerald eyes wishing she had the ability to read others the way I do. Maybe she's right. Maybe I can do it with everyone, but only noticed the girls. It matters little, either way.
All I know is that after I complete my daily chores, as quickly as possible, I run to mine in the forest, but sometimes on Blessia Island if I finish quickly enough. Nothing lights up her cute elven face like a beautiful emerald or ruby. She simply adores them, and I cannot help myself. I love the way she smiles at them, as if she has never seen one in her life, though I know for certain she has. I once visited her in the Inn and found her polishing her gem collection. She has enough to fund an entire building project, but I don't think she'd trade them for the world.
Then there's Jake.
He, too, is half elven, though it matters more to him than to my precious Cecilia. On some level I think she realizes her heritage, and understands his overwhelming pride for it, but behind that sweet, innocent exterior, Cecilia is passionate. She's more passionate than anyone I've ever met, though I only really know the kind people of Alvarna. She's reserved on the outside, but once she's alone, her heart opens and she's almost a completely different person.
She fascinates me in that way. I can hardly bring myself to walk away from her when her eyes get that passionate gleam and she smiles that perfect smile. Every once in a while, she'll reach up to push the hair from her face, tucking it behind her long pointed ear, her eyes casted downward. It took me all of a few weeks to fall for her. I think Jake noticed it, too. He become very cold to me, or at least colder to me than any other human. I didn't care as much as I thought I would. It seemed the more I more I cared for Cecilia, the less I needed anyone else to care for me.
Then came the day I couldn't help myself. I had visited her while the Saint-Coquille family had been out of the manor. She wasn't down stairs where she usually was when I visited, and I did not find her until I ventured into one of the guest bedrooms to find her dusting the table.
Whenever we were alone, no matter how rare those times were, she would call me by a name other than the one I gave Mana. Mana had pushed me for a name, and I did not know what I wanted then. As time moved forward, however, I realized Kyle was not my name, nor would it ever be my name. It simply did not feel like mine. That was how Cecilia and I had found a name that felt very familiar to me. I don't know if it was the name, or they way she said it, but I didn't care which. All that mattered was that she had a different name for me, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. It made me feel as though there was part of me that belonged only to that cute elf.
"Chase," She gasped when she had finally noticed me in the doorframe of the guest bedroom. I smiled as she wiped her hands on her dirty dress. It made me think of how wonderful she would look when I managed to gather enough gold to buy her a new one. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to see you." I answered simply. I always wanted to see her. There was no one else I wanted to see half as bad as I wanted to see her. "I've been thinking about you." I told her the truth and watched as a blush crawled onto her cheeks. She dropped her cleaning supplies and let them land where they landed before she motioned to the nearby bed. I took a seat on the edge of the bed, as did she, but she sat further away from me than I would have liked.
"That's very sweet of you Chase." She replied, her sweet voice drawing all my attention to her. "I always wondered if you thought about me when we weren't together."
"Of course I do," I answered as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. To me it was. I suppose to her, a person with a full life and complete set of memories, did not have the same ability to recognize the obvious. She was more seasoned with her experiences. Maybe that was exactly why I was so good at reading others. I did not have prior experiences to cloud my vision.
"Do you ever wonder about who you are?" She asked. I turned away from her for a moment and gazed out the window on the wall behind her. I drew in a deep breath and slowly let it out as I pondered the thought.
"I used to all the time." I answered truthfully, "but lately, I haven't. Not very much. I used to have dreams about me in this dark, black room. There was only a single door, but it was locked, and I had not enough light to find another way out."
"That sounds awful." Cecilia's voice was so full of concern, but the look on her face softened a bit when I sent her a reassuring smile.
"It was sort of how I felt for a long while. But lately my dreams had been very different."
"What do you dream of now?"
"A happy life. A family, a beautiful wife, and a beautiful child." I answered as I looked into her eyes more deeply. I moved slightly closer to her, only wanting to feel her presence. "I dream of a woman, I wish I had, but feel as if I never will."
It pained me as I watched the look in her eye. They had filled with emotions, and hardly any of them good. The overwhelming emotion was of jealousy. It was then I realized she did not know I meant her. I always meant her. I did not want another, nor would I ever.
"That sounds wonderful." Her voice was forced, as was her smile. "I don't suppose you have any idea as to who that woman is, do you?"
"I have some idea." I answered, still smiling at her, hoping that at any moment she would see the truth so clearly laid out before her. I had no such luck. She only continued to stare at me until I could not take the pain of watching her heart break before me. Even though I wanted to, more than anything, to tell her it that it was her, I could not. I wanted so desperately to explain that she was the wife I wanted. She was the woman I wanted in my bed every night and every morning. She was the woman I wanted to kiss and hold. She was the one. She was the only one.
But my nerves defeated me. I knew she cared for me. I did not know if she cared for me as much as I cared for her, but I knew it was there. Still, I clung to the fear of rejection. I worried she would not be my first kiss. I worried she would not be the only woman I would ever kiss, and ever hold, for I had no memory of any other woman, and currently wanted no other.
Instead of telling her directly, I chose to slightly change the subject, hoping to come back to it when my nerves had faded. "Have you ever been kissed, Cecilia?" I asked, hoping her pain would disappear. I could not stand the sight.
"No," She answered softly, her eyes casted down at the rug, instead of at me where they usually were. "I've never kissed anyone. I've never had a first kiss."
"Nor have I." I answered. "At least not anything I can remember. I guess that means that whenever I do kiss someone, they'll be my first."
"Yes," She nodded in agreement, but still would not look at me.
"Cecilia," I called her name and she replied but did not look at me still. "Please, look at me." I requested as gently as I could as I reached out with one hand. I touched her cheek, and softly turned her head forcing her eyes to peer into mine. It felt amazing to me. I loved the feel of her skin. It was so smooth and clear. So perfect, I was afraid my rough hands would damage it. Unfortunately, the pain still present in her eyes did not complete the perfection I knew she had.
"I'm sorry," She whispered, her face tilting slightly into my palm. I knew I should've drawn my hand back; I knew but I couldn't. It was the first time I'd ever really touched her. Sure, our hands had brushed every once in a while when I handed her things, but never had I held her face so gently in my hand, so close to her face, so close to her lips.
"That woman is you, Cecilia." I finally managed to say while the moment was as perfect as it was ever going to be. "You are the woman in my dreams. You are my wife in my dreams. How can you not see this? How can you not feel this?"
"Oh, Chase," Cecilia's pain melted immediately as she reached up, her hand resting over mine on her cheek. She shut her eyes as she pushed her face into my hand, making it incredibly difficult for me to hold myself back. The way she held my hand and pushed her face into it made her all the more desirable.
"I want you, Cecilia." I told her finally and she opened her eyes, letting her hand fall away from mine. She moved closer to me, her face escaping the cradle of my hand, but all I knew was her body so close to mine, her lips dangerously close to mine.
"I was worried it was another."
"There is no other." I told her, before swallowing. I knew our situation. We were completely alone in this manor, sitting on the guest bed, and I did not trust myself. I knew we must be married before any sexual contact with one another, and I knew that if I even kissed her, all restraint I might have had would have faded into nothing.
"I want you to be my first kiss, Chase." She whispered the last words I needed to hear.
"Cecilia," I groaned her name as I moved closer to her against my good reason. I let my arms wrapped around her body, marveling at how perfect she fit within them. "I can't do this. We can't. We must be married first."
"Just a single kiss, Chase." She whispered to me, her hot breath touching my lips. I held my breath and shut my eyes as I pressed our foreheads together. Already I was dangerously close to her, and could not bear to part with her. "Just a moment. Just a single memory to dream of, until we are married."
"I can't control myself around you," I told her honestly. "I don't think I could ever stop."
"Perhaps I won't want you to stop."
"Don't say that." I groaned again as I managed to pull my head away from hers. I opened my eyes to see the pleading look in her green eyes. "We can't, Cecilia. We must be married."
"No one would know." She replied. "And we will be married anyway. I want all those things you dream of, Chase. I want to be your wife." She told me before she moved closer still, though this time she moved her head to my shoulder, her lips perfectly in line with my ear for her next statement. "I want to be your lover."
I couldn't help myself at the thought. All I knew was her lips, her body, and her perfect beauty. In an uncontrollable craze, I pulled her back and pressed my lips to hers without giving her moment to realize what was happening. I moved my lips against hers and reveled in the feel of her lips moving as well. She wrapped her arms around my neck and I tightened my arms around her waist as we kissed. It was a kiss that stopped the world. I knew nothing else except her. I cared not who I was, and who I used to be. This was my real life. She was my life. I cared not that perhaps she would've made a better match with Jake. The thought repulsed me anyway.
I could not stand it. I could not bear to think about them together. Not her. Not my Cecilia. My darling, my love. Not with him, that cold, that rude being. She was soft. She was gentle. She was not meant for him. She was meant for me. I was meant for her. No matter how much better they would've looked, she and I would be far happier.
Before long, I found myself in a position I feared would occur. She was lying beneath me on that guest bed, her small frame almost lost beneath my large one. Her arms were still tight around my neck and my hands were on her waist, our lips still attached and refusing to part. I could feel the lack of oxygen affecting me, but I couldn't pull away. I wanted her far more than I wanted air.
Finally, she broke the kiss and we both gasped for much needed air. I wasted little time, however, my lips instantly reattaching at her neck, pulling a moan from her throat, a sound that only encouraged me. Her hand found its way to my hair, pulling and massaging at my scalp, and it felt amazing. She urged me when she like what I was doing, and she pulled when she didn't. I made changes to please her. I wanted so bad to please her, for it pleased me as well.
Then she moaned my name, and I shifted my hips. Hearing my name in that deep moan from the deepest part of her throat was the thin line we had crossed. It was the point of no return. I couldn't stop anymore. I needed to hear her moan my name just like that. So desperate for me. So utterly pleased by me. Just me.
"Chase, please." She moaned again as I sucked at her neck, my hips shifting again between her spread legs. She moaned at the feel that drove me wild. Her nails dug into my skin, and I knew it would leave marks.
"Cecilia," I groaned her name before I kissed her neck more.
"Don't stop." She told me breathlessly. I moved my way back to her lips and again we were locked in a passionate kiss. My hands started to travel her body, though I became nervous as they moved closer and closer to the areas only a lover would dare touch.
"It's ok," Cecilia told me, her green eyes now black. I still hesitated, but she undid the first button of her dress for me, making me more at ease, though still nervous. My fingers touched her bare skin and we both moaned at the feel. "Chase, please. I want you."
"I want you," I told her in a deep moan, but I finally was able to withdraw my hand from her body and sit up on the bed. I was on my knees looking down at the woman I had just ravished. Her hair was tousled and her lips were bright red and swollen from the kissing.
"No," Cecilia reached out for me, but I restrained. "Chase, please." She pleaded with me as she too got on her knees and moved to kneel in front of me. "We can't stop now." She tried to put her arms around me, and attach her lips to mine, but I stopped her.
"We have to wait." I told her. "Isn't that what you really want? Don't you want this for your wedding night? For your husband?"
"He'll be you."
"You don't know that." I spoke the words that had been eating at me, but I instantly regretted it when I watched her heart shatter for the second time in an hour.
"But," She started as she started to back away from me. I saw the tears in her eyes and suddenly I could not bear the pain either. "But don't you want to marry me?"
"Yes," I exclaimed breathlessly. "Yes, Cecilia. More than anything I want you. More than anything I want you as my wife. I want no other."
"Then why?" She demanded.
"Because. Because I always thought you… That there was always a chance that you would want Jake, instead. Someone more like you. Someone who will better understand you. Someone of your kind."
"Don't be ridiculous," She chastised me all while holding back the tears I had caused. "If I wanted Jake I would be kissing him. I would be with him."
"I'm sorry," I answered, unsure of what she wanted now. Unsure if she still wanted me there. For a few awkward moments, I kneeled on the bed watching her, desperation in my eyes, terrified I had ruined the only good thing in my new life. She only watched me from where she stood on the other side of the room. "I…" I started to speak, but found the words hard to speak, especially after those few minutes of pure bliss. "I guess I'll go home then." I slowly got the feet, the memory replaying in my head. It was all I could do not to think about how her lips felt, how her body felt beneath mine, so willing, so ready for me and mine so eager as well.
I took only a few steps towards the door, but paused again to look at her. "You're so beautiful," I whispered to her before I took a step toward her. I half expected her to step back, but thankfully she didn't and I was able to place my palm against her cheek and kiss her forehead lovingly, all while fearing it would be the last touch we ever shared.
After only a few seconds, it donned on me that after our passionate encounter and weeks of courting, I had never brought myself to actually tell her how I felt. I had told her all the things I wanted that implied how I felt, but I never said those three words. Looking into her eyes, my hand still cupping her perfect face, I whispered to her. "I love you, Cecilia."
With all my strength, I drew my hand back, and turned to walk towards the door. I was ready to walk out of that room, and take the long way home, all while dreaming about her, but she stopped me, and my heart swelled in happiness.
"Wait." Her voice was so soft, that had there been any other noise, I probably wouldn't have heard her. Turning back to her, I watched as she stepped out to me. "You're right, Chase. I do want that for my wedding night. I do want to share that moment with only my husband, and I suppose there always is a chance that he might not be you, no matter how desperately I want him to be you."
"I would give anything, Cecilia," I told her looking into her eyes. "I would do anything to have you as my wife, but until that happens…"
"We should wait." She whispered and I nodded softly. "That doesn't mean you can't kiss me though."
"No, I supposed it doesn't." I replied, finally smiling at her. I took a few steps towards her and she took one towards me. With new familiarity, I bent down and captured her lips in a chaste kiss, though in my heart of hearts, I knew one day our kiss would cease to be so sweet and innocent. I only needed time to make her my wife.