He can't say he's never thought about it. About smothering his brother with the closest ash coated pillow he can find. He can't say he's never thought about just putting Sam out of him misery, like a goddamn dog. They're only brief thoughts, little suggestions that go through his intoxicated brain. He only thinks about it when Sam just won't stop screaming.
Like now, Sam's squashed himself into the corner of the room, hands clutching at his hair, screaming in some language long forgotten. Dean tries to ignore it, it's too much to handle and instead his attention is turned to the cheap whiskey in his hand. It's only when he sees blood smudging on his hands and forehead that he steps in.
"C'mon, Sammy stop it", he stumbles toward his brother, crouching down and tries to pull Sam's arms to his sides, he struggles; his brother may only be skin and bones at this point but he's still pretty fucking strong, especially with Dean in the drunken state that he's in. Sam just starts to scream louder, it's fucking heart-breaking and Dean can't get him to stop and the next thing he knows Sam's gone silent and Dean's knuckles ache. He opens his eyes and Sam's just staring at him, clutching at his nose, blood coating his fingers. "Shit, let me see" he asks, Sam doesn't answer. His eyes are wide open in fear, no trace of recognition in them. He tries to bend the forces of physics by pushing himself even further into the corner and letting a whimper out, it makes Dean feel like a horrible person. He stands up and backs away, needing to get away from his brother. He didn't mean to punch him but it happened anyway, he needed a drink.
He gets up; leaving his brother in the corner, there's no point trying to get through to Sam. He goes to get ready for bed when his stomach lets out a whine. Dean smiles and rubs his stomach, then gets his coat and keys on to go to the diner 10 minutes away. He stops in his tracks for a second when he realises that Sam's not even coherent enough to tell his dumb older brother to not drive drunk. Then he decides that's a good thing, because he's hungry as a horse.
Half an hour later he returns to the motel room, it took a little longer than he expected but the road just wouldn't stay straight, at least some kid didn't run into the road, because he's 90% sure he would have smacked right into them without intending to.
The extra-large cheeseburger and fries he orders are demolished in record time, whilst the girly salad he got for Sam lays untouched on the bed. Sam's still in the corner and looks faintly green, and then Dean remembers that the smell of meat sickens his brother.
"Sam?" He asks and watches as his brother's hazel eyes slowly shift over to him, they're glazed and unfocussed but Dean still counts it as a plus. "You with me?"
Sam nods hesitantly, short and jerky.
"Verbal conformation bro"
Silence.
"Sam." He pleads.
His brother's mouth opens, then closes, then opens again, like a fish out of water.
Then finally, "yeah".
Dean smiles, "we're going to bed, you get first shower if you want." Sam nods again, and goes to stand up, hand clinging to the wall as he tries to find his feet; he has been in that same spot for the past 8 hours so Dean doesn't blame him. Slowly he makes his way to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. As soon as the door locks Dean hears Sam singing to himself, quiet and raspy, he does it to calm himself and Dean smiles again.
00000
Everything's awesome. Dean's in fucking paradise; well, not yet but he's pretty close. Paradise is all over him, her tongue licking every crevice in his mouth, her hips slowly grinding against his hardening crotch, her hands clawing down his back. She matches her name and Dean starts to take her bra off, grasping her breast as he sticks his tongue down her throat. He stops kissing her to catch his breath and work his trousers off, eager for what's to come.
"Dean." She purrs.
"Dean" she repeats, he's still preoccupied in stripping them of their clothes.
"Dean". What the fuck, he looks up and jerks backwards falling off the chair away from Castiel and –
He wakes with a start. Wiping drool off of his chin and looking up at Castiel, who's staring at him with those creepy blue eyes. "Don't do that again" he growls.
Castiel seems nonplussed, "where's Sam?" he asks.
Dean grunts, "that's what you interrupted me for? I left your lover at the library." He gets up and goes to brush the cottony feeling out of his mouth, when he returns Castiel is still there, "what?"
"Sam's not at the Library, nor is he in the 20 mile radius of this town." Castiel seems distressed, his facial expression full of worry.
"What the fuck do you mean? He was fine a couple of hours ago! He better not have killed himself because of some fucking hallucination, he's probably got himself run over or some shit, the idiot" Dean growls, he puts on his boots and jacket then points to Castiel, "find him. I don't care if you're busy with angel shit, help find my brother"
The angel glowers at him, "I don't need your instruction to look for Sam. You have no power over me, Dean. I could erase you from existence if I wanted. Do not order me to do your bidding."
Then he's gone.
"Jeez, someone's on their period." Dean mutters and leaves the motel behind.
00000
Two weeks later and he's found nothing.
No one's seen Sam, which he finds hard to believe given the size of the guy. He's at the end of his wits with this.
He's at a bar talking to a Christy when his phone rings. "Sorry, have to take this. Hello?"
"I've found Sam."
The stool shook as he forced himself off of it; he walked towards the door ignoring the confused calling from Christy. "Where?"
"Stull Cemetery."
Dean froze, dropping his keys to the impala. He daren't breathe.
"… Stull Cemetery?" he asked, voice rough.
"Yes. He's alive, Dean. I tried to move him to a motel room but he's refusing" Cas reassured. Dean unlocked the car and took no notice to the impala groaning beneath his weight.
"I don't care if he's refusing, you get him into a fucking motel, you winged dick. Knock him out if you have to" He started the engine and stepped on the gas, the impala growling.
Castiel's voice raised, anger leaking into his usually impassive voice, "I'm not going to render him unconscious. He wants to be here right now, so here he shall remain. He's in no harm; I'm using my grace to keep him warm and dry. Either come to Stull or don't. I'm not moving him."
Dean almost growled, Cas was a fucking idiot, acting as if he's a bad brother for wanting to knock Sam out. It would be for his own good, anything's better than watching him pathetically keen at every fucking sound and sight. "Fine. I'll be there in 2 hours." He hung up and threw the phone on the passenger seat. Fucking idiot angel.
00000
Castiel mimicked his friend's position and rested on his knees facing him. Sam hadn't acknowledged his presence; too busy staring blankly at the ground. He mumbled sometimes, in what Cas identified as Enochian. It's the speech pattern of a rodent, which vermin would use to speak to their superiors, and it makes Castiel feel sick. Sam wasn't vermin, He wasn't anything close. "Sam." He whispers, heart sinking when the younger man continues muttering to himself, he's begging, please no more I can't take it pleasesorrysorryIhadtodoitwhyCAN'TYOUSEE. Then he stops, mouth resting open and nodding slightly as if someone's talking to him. Castiel takes a chance and slides his hands into Sam's limp ones, "Sam." He repeats, Sam flinches but doesn't pull away and he sighs in relief.
The mumbling stops and Castiel notices that the younger man is shaking violently, so he decides to take a risk again and shuffles forwards on his knees, taking his hands out of Sam's limp ones and bringing him in for a hug. Sam startles and tries to pull away but he just tightens his grip, the nails digging into his chest not registering any pain, Sam keens and starts to cry as his attempt to escape the confines is proven fruitless. The resistance finally stops and Sam's weight falls on Castiel, his head fitting into the side of the angel's neck. One hand comes up and rests on his head, warm fingers running through Sam's greasy long hair, a low soothing voice whispering hushes and reassurances against his ear.
Sam soon falls asleep but Castiel doesn't change his stance, he kisses his head and just hugs his friend tighter.
He hears the rumble of the impala soon after that. Dean gets out and storms over to him, fingers reaching out to yank Sam from his grasp but before he even knows what he's doing a burst of energy makes Dean stumble backwards, hands going out to the side to regain his balance. "What the fuck, man?" he snarled.
"Don't wake him." Castiel hisses in reply, he closes his eyes and teleports them to the closest motel room, the impala parked outside. He stands up and readjusts Sam so he's carrying him, then places him in the bed wrapping the covers around him. Sam frowns and murmurs something intelligible, so Castiel touches his forehead softly and whispers rest in Enochian, his friend immediately settles down.
He turns to Dean, who's standing by the other bed looking at Sam, visibly relieved. Then he turns his attention on Cas and his face turns venomous, "why the fuck did you stop me touching him? He's not your boyfriend Cas, he's my brother!" he whispers this time, and Castiel thanks his father that Dean at least has this common sense.
"He was sleeping, you would have woken him." He states the obvious, not understanding why Dean's so upset over this.
"So what, I can't touch him but you? You were basically molesting him, dude. Excuse me for not wanting you to go all Gary Glitter on Sammy"
Castiel rolled his eyes, a gesture he learnt from Sam which seems to go with this situation. Dean was an annoying individual at times like now, but he knew it would be wrong of him to transport him somewhere else so Castiel can care for Sam in peace. Unless he sends the hunter to a bar, he thinks, Dean would probably fall into 50 shots before even thinking about coming back to the motel room. He dismissed these thoughts and decided to take his leave, Dean was probably this aggressive because he had missed his brother, so now was his time to take care of Sam. Castiel stretched his wings and took flight, praying for Sam's good health as he left.