After playing the game several times and months of revising, I present to you my epic of comedic proportions, AKA, something to write about in this category until I finally find another fandom. I don't know what you think about it, I don't know what I think about it, but honestly, I DON'T CARE. After months of working on this, I got it off my back and on here. This is basically a collection of all most random and stupid things that came to mind while playing this game. I'm sure all of you can relate to what I list down here. So, enjoy. I'm just going to lie down now . . . for a very . . . long . . . long . . . time.
P.S. No offense to the characters. I bash them because I love them. But I don't own them. Wah.
(while entering ubisoft headquarters)
JM: Morning gentle-
Ubi: If this is another game in which you rotoscope your brother in pajamas into a game where he jumps and kills guys with beards, we don't want to hear.
JM: No, this one is about a completely made up guy who runs in pajama bottoms where he jumps and kills sand zombies with beards.
Ubi: Ooh, tell us more.
Jm: Well, here's how it starts off-
(Wakes up due to raindrop)
F: *gasp* My Farah senses are tingling!
P: They're called hormones you know.
F: Shut up random voice in the distance!
P: Most people think time is like a river. It flows swift and sure in one direction. But I have seen the face if time, and I can tell you they are wrong. Time is like an ocean in a storm. You- OK-
(throws script up in the air)
P: Who the crap even says that?
P: I am the son of that one king guy who owned that kingdom that took over that other kingdom.
P: (while sitting on a pile of gold, food and hot chicks)
KS: Life here's pretty boring. I say we invade India.
P: (while sitting on his own separate pile of gold, food and hot chicks) Didn't we do that just 2 days ago?
KS: And your point?
P: Huh . . . Good point.
(talking over tea and crumpets while in the battlefield)
KS: Hm, all these dead people are such a bugger, don't you think young chap?
P: Sure is a lot of rubbish here, gov'ner.
(kicks away a dead dude)
(horse bucks prince through the archway)
Horse: Oh yeah, 50 yards away, pay up!
(receives money from other horses)
P: Did I care that such a beautiful place had been turned into that of a hell? Well no. Because sympathy is for losers who don't have piles of money, woman, and chocolate.
P: Oh look, fellow soldiers!
(walks up to them)
P: Hiya there! I'm-
(gets crushed by boulder)
P: . . . Ok than . . .
(puts sword back in after fight)
P: In you go none-existent-dagger-that-will-soon-be-an-existent-dagger-of-time-that-leads-me-onto-a-great-adventure-in-which-I-find-love-and-my-life-is-ruined-and-scared-as-the-dahaka-comes-in-and-chases-me-around-the-next-7-years-spoiler-alert-dumbledore-dies.
JM: (head palm)
(In valley girl voice)
Guard: Like OMG, that blue top your wearing is like, so last season!
P: Oh yeah, well like, your orange trousers, like, don't match your tunic.
Guard: (snapping formation) Oh no you didn't!
P: The first time my sword tasted blood, I knew this wasn't my way. Instead I would find something shiny that would boost my already inflated ego. YAY INFLATED EGO!
(Goes into room filled with guards)
P: I'll sneak past them with stealth!
(enemies turn towards)
P: Hey, your not suppose to look at me while I'm being stealthy!
P: Its a tough obstacle, but with a little sweat and tears, I can get past it!
(Continues to attempt to move chairs away from door way)
(while looking through window)
P: The dagger of time. Now that was I treasure I could hold with pride and not all total gayness.
P: Wow, so many useless pots! This guy is really rich!
(spots prince taking dagger)
RockAboveDagger: GASP! Must save dagger from bad combats systems and plot holes!
(while jumping pillars)
P: GAAHH! I heard crunching! What was that crunch!
(later)
P: Father, I have earned us honor and glory! Though, I may have lost a few of your grandchildren, but don't mind that.
(while hugging)
King: My friend!
Sultan: My friend!
P: You're fat.
(awkward silence)
King: Um . . . Ignore my son, he has had 1 too many bonks on the head.
(gets scared by Farah's glaring)
P: Father, why is that lady giving me death glares?
K: Oh don't worry about it my son. Woman love you, for you are strong, handsome, and not at all retarded!
(walking with the sultan)
K: We have brought things like lions, and tigers, and bears-
P: OH MY!
(gets strange looks)
P: Uh . . . Sorry.
S: Why does it glow?
V: Because it holds wonders that no man has ever seen!
S: But . . . I see it.
V: You know what I mean!
V: Hey there, boy. You want the shiny?
(Prince barks and sits down.)
V: You want the shiny? Go get it!
P: I WANT MY SHINY!1!
(sticks dagger in hourglass)
F: See the sand? Now suck it up with the-
P: He he, suck it.
F: (head palm)
(Chases after girl)
P: Come back! I have candy!
Guard: The right one turns the Axel around!
P: You really think I'm that retard-(hits himself in the face with lever) OW!
P: You're Persian and you sound Scottish!
Guard: You're Persian and you sound like a 30 year old British anima dubber who still lives with his mum and will probably never get laid!
P: . . . You're Persian and you sound Scottish!
P: Why should I trust you, you can't even say your own father's name right!
F: Yes I can it's the ma . . . Maha . . . Majaram, um no . . . The maharawrinkle-
P: . . .
F: . . . SHUT UP!
(while killing sand monsters, harem girls pop up)
P: . . . MOM?
F: Help m-
P: IF I DO SO, WILL YOU SHUT UP?
F: I heard it said that you are kind and brave- are you even listening!
(still staring at chest)
P: Wait, what?
F: Let me cover you!
P: Please don't- (gets shot 5 times) just please . . . DON'T!
F: What if they come back?
P: Don't worry, they won't.
F: How do you know?
P: Well for one, your here to scare them off-
(Slowly tries to limp over to water with 67 arrows in his back)
F: Why are you walking so funny?
(floor falls while walking)
F: Are you ok?
P: I'm alright. I'll get to you. (thank you god, thank you, thank you, thank you-)
F: Here I am-
P: SHUT UP! Shut up, shut up, shut up!
F: Its terrible yet . . . Beautiful
P: Sure . . . And I'm a bikini swimsuit model.
F: You are?
P: . . . Moving on.
F: You know I can't do that.
P: Nor can my father. Or the soldiers. Or the vizier. Or Jordan Mechner. OR ANYONE ELSE IN THE F-ING UNIVERSE!
F: . . . You look real funny when you're all red like that.
F: I'll just wait here than. Shall I?
P: Yes. Please. Don't move. For another million years.
F: Do you think you can make it to the other side?
P: Do you SEE the big fricken pinchers over there!
F: Yeah. So can you make it?
P: . . . You seem to obviously care about my safety.
(While doing puzzle at warehouse)
F: Here I am! Your turn! I can reach this one! Your turn! I'll go! Can you reach-
P: (Where is the off-switch on this thing!)
F: Strange. How did the birds survive?
P: I don't think they did- (Gets rapidly pecked on) GAAHH! OFF, OFF!
F: Are you sure?
P: The Sultan's zoo. It was the pride and joy of the sultan . . . Despite the fact that he was too fat to get up the ladders-
F: Have you noticed that I'm the only girl in this entire game?
P: Wait . . . YOU'RE A GIRL?
P: I started to feel strangely attracted to the girl at my side. Despite the fact that she acts like shrieking harpy who enjoys shooting me in the back, being dumber than rocks, and likes being annoying as hell and-
F: Um . . . You know I'm standing right here right?
P: Shut up. Anyways-
F: Now what?
P: I don't know! Can't you crawl through a crack or something?
F: Cant you go use your Britishness somewhere else?
F: You did it!
P: Thank miss obvious of the planet obvious.
F: You're welcome lieutenant sarcasm of the ship sarcasm.
F: SCARABS!
P: (in complete monotone) Oh no really? Run away.
F: Wait for me!
P: But I don't want to!
F: I think I saw a bright light up there!
P: For all you know, it could be a shiny nickel!
F: . . .
P: Alright I'll go.
F: You think you can smash that door with your sword?
P: Who do you think I am? Roustan?
F: Who the hell is Roustan?
P: I DONT KNOW!
(while picking up sword)
P: This is one very long and extremely sharp nickel.
F: I'm guessing that isn't the same sword you had last time.
P: No, REALLY! I hadn't notice! Maybe I should cut myself with it just to see!
F: Why would you do that?
P: (head palm)
P: This palace was said to be built on top of an even older one.
F: Is that a really smart thing to do?
P: Are you still even a virgin?
F: . . .
P: . . .
(Opens up hole)
F: Look, a crack!
P: . . . I'm confused.
(While standing on temporary platforms powered by pressure plate)
P: Don't step off that plate!
(Steps off)
F: You mean this one? Prince? Prince?
(while in vortex)
P: Oh look, I jump over stuff, what a surprise!
F: You know I can't climb like you can.
P: You have wings, harpy, use em'!
P: Gasp! A tear!
(rips off entire sleeve)
F: That wasn't unnecessary.
P: Don't deny the sexiness!
F: Come on, I'll show you!
P: Easy for you to say. You just have a "walk" and "be princess-like" button.
P: Getting to the baths should be easy.
F: Good. I meet you there.
P: You know what sarcasm is, right?
F: You have had a girlfriend before, right?
P: . . . Touché.
P: Let me get this straight: I pull this lever, go around this wall, climb this ladder, jump this wall, jump to another wall, than this other wall, run a wall, and pull this lever all before this gate falls in 30 seconds . . . Wee.
(trying to imitate Farah)
P: -too bad you weren't there, you handsome Persian stud muffin! Oh prince, just take me right now with your perfectly toned biceps and-
(turns towards jaw-opened scarab)
P: Um . . . Uh . . . You didn't hear that.
P: I don't know, I mean, she may be extremely oblivious, annoying, shrill, bossy, absent minded, and all in all a fricking monstrosity, but she has nice b- medallion. I REALLY like her medallion. What do you guys think?
(bats fly away)
P: WAIT! I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO! (sobs)
(while in vortex)
P: Wait, she actually dies! YES, SHE FINALLY DIES- oh yeah, potential love interest. Crap.
(shows him dieing)
P: Hey, no, no! Bad sand vortexes, bad!
(looks down at the bottom of the platforms)
P: . . . But . . . I don't like ladders.
(Walks into sewers)
P: Jeez . . . Smells like something like something that curled up, died, and pissed on itself.
F: (From far away) Kind of like you?
P: Stop being all talking like!
(Goes down hole with saws)
P: Alright just one at a-
(gets hit)
P: OW 7&0 *&$ "0!~ (!$89%*+!
(falls flat on ground. Bats fly in)
P: Go. Away.
(bats fly away offended)
(ponders while fighting baddies)
P: When I'm killing sand creatures, I'm assassinating them. And I usually suck them through their butts. So that makes me like, "the asssinator" or something. Yeah. Assinator.
F: You've been hitting the crack water recently now haven't you?
P: Shut up, your not even suppose to be here yet!
(Starts dancing around in a too too)
P: Tip toe, by the window, by the window! Doo doo doo-
(Cuts to retry screen)
P: Uhh . . . That didn't happen.
(pulls lever and spikes, spiked swingers, bladed twirlers, wall rollers, and other shit I don't recognize pops up)
P: . . . Alright ubisoft now your just showing off.
P: Farah? Farah! Farah-Poo!
(while talking to girl sand creature)
F: Ubisoft has a cruel mind when setting up love interest.
F: What took you so long!
P: Lots . . . And lots . . . Of bat therapy.
P: What did you call me?
F: My love.
P: That can't be right. It's been only 4 hours!
F: Ok then, I don't love you, though I do kind of without showing it, yet in a sense, I really don't, therefore I'm not really hiding anything.
P: But you- I- Wha?
(comes across statue)
P: Heheh, boobies.
F: (I am SERIOUSLY starting to reconsider my last statement)
P: Psh. "I'm afraid, what if I get into trouble?"
(Prince Charming pops up)
PC: Don't worry rather masculine looking female, I will save you!
P: Not you again!
F: The hall of learning
P: Don't you mean the library-
F: SHUT UP!
P: She said my love. I know she did. She said in front of me for crying out loud!
F: No I didn't.
P: Can you please stop using your mouth for 10 seconds?
F: Something is very odd about this place.
P: Oh really? I hadn't noticed with all the levers and light beams hanging around!
F: You don't seem to notice a lot of things.
(head palm)
F: Listen to this-
P: Um, excuse me, do you see the man eating bats swarming me right now!
F: This isn't that type of game!
P: Game? She thinks this is a game! Ridiculous, am I right Mario?
M: Its-a-me, Mario!
P: I know right?
F: Take all the time you need. I'll just read a book.
P: Oh wow, you actually use your brain for other things besides talking! I applaud you!
(Makes it to door)
P: Oh yeah, Indiana Jones style!
F: Despite the fact that Indiana Jones is stronger, faster, smarter, wittier, hotter, and better than you in so many ways that I can go on and on about-
P: Please don't.
(slides down extremely long rope)
P: WOOHOO!
(gets down to bottom)
P: Heh . . . My balls hurt now . . .
(falls down on floor)
F: Should I jump?
P: Sure. I mean what's the worst that can happen?
F: I can, I don't know, DIE?
P: You say it like it's a bad thing.
F: What are you doing?
P: I don't know, I'm making it up as I go!
F: Stop quoting Indiana Jones!
P: If it makes you fall for me, then no!
P: I can marry her! Not because of love or any of that un-important sh1t, but to tame her insolence! It's a challenge! Farah is a challenge. She's is chess. Tedious, slow, and irritating. The only difference is that chess requires logic to beat. Oh yeah, I'm on a simile roll!
F: What are you trying to do, kill me?
P: If it makes you stop talking-
P: Alright. I'll meet you at the-
(bridge falls)
P: OH SH1T!
F: Sorry. I don't know where "Oh sh1t" is.
(lands on floor)
P: Oohh-
(gets knocked out by rock)
R: Sucker got OWNED!
P: Alright. I will marry her! It's foolish to deny what we both feel!
Sand Monster: You mean your utter hatred for each other?
P: Exactly! . . . Wait . . .
(while in sand vortex)
P: Hm, let's see: Running, talking, fighting, crack fueled fighting, sh1t, sh1t, Farah's betrayal, more sh1t, more sh1t-
(Break open wall)
F: I love it when you do that.
P: Oh, so she doesn't like it when I break open the big guns, but likes it when I break open cold hard walls!
P: Come with me.
F: No thanks. I prefer not to take drugs thank you very much.
P: How long have I been gone?
F: Huh?
P: You notice I just went through a wall. A FRICKEN WALL!
P: Be careful!
F: Of what? Not everything's a trap you know!
P: You don't know that! There could be killer cushions or something!
(in the middle of fighting)
P: Can't do it, just can't-
(crack starts to kick in)
P: WHOAAAJHBDJXDHBAHNCFNCSVNSD
(kills everyone)
P: . . . Again, again!
(Is about to strike dagger)
P: No. You have every reason to hate me.
F: What makes you think I don't?
F: You think that your so much cleverer than-
P: Uh, cleverer isn't a word-
F: YES IT IS!
F: What's wrong? You're trembling.
P: I just don't like to be around closed spaces and prostitutes. No offence.
F: None taken.
P: What's the word?
F: Kakolukia. I've never told anyone that.
P: . . . Still kind of retarded.
(Gets to doorway after 100,000 flights of stairs)
F: Oh. Isn't it beautiful?
P: Oxygen . . . Need . . . Oxygen.
F: Hold me in your arms.
P: I prefer not.
F: Shall we take a bath?
P: Uh no thanks. I don't really . . . Like hygiene . . .
F: Why do you act so distant?
P: Oh, I don't know, maybe because your 100ft away!
F: I've been waiting for you for so long.
P: Alright, now I'm really getting scared. Are your hormones acting up or something?
(Makes it into cavern where there's some nekkid action going on)
F: Come on. Take a bath with me.
P: Uhh . . . .
P: Whoa. Was that whole . . . Ehh . . . just a dream? If it was one, then it was one we both shared. But how the hell is that possible, I mean, wouldn't we have to have our brains connected or something? Don't twins have some sort of telepathic connection? Are me and Farah twins? If so, then I just had a dream of having sex with my- EEWW!
(gets new sword)
P: Huh. I wonder what this does.
(pokes sand baddie and instantly dies.)
P: . . . HO. LY. NUBCAKES.
P: FARAH! You forgot to give me back my pants.
(pants is tossed back)
P: Thank you!
P: Farah, don't use up all the sands!
F: It looks empty. Is that good thing?
(whole bunch of bats fly in)
P: Oh, so NOW you want to be my therapist!
(shows group of bats with a clip board while prince sits in a reclining chair)
P: I really don't know what it is what I did wrong sir, honest! I mean, I'd let her step through the doorway first, offer her some crack water, prevent myself from beating the crap out of her, and yet she still ignores me! Maybe it's because she's afraid of commitment or maybe it's the whole we're related thingy.
P: Farah! I came to tell you that we're related!
F: WHAT?
(falls due to surprise)
(holding onto hilt of dagger)
F: Aah- hey why does your blood look like strawberry jam?
P: NOT IMPORTANT AT THE MOMENT!
(Farah falls down)
P: NOO!
(lands dead. Vizier walks up to body)
V: . . . Eh, I give it 9.8.
(while in vortex)
P: Ok . . . So everything is empty . . . I won right?
(mourns over dead body)
P: Hm . . . I would say a 9.5
AngelF: You're suppose to start mourning dammit!
V: Hello-
(gets tackled by prince)
V: Sexual harassment towards the elderly!
P: -With those I love dead-
V: Don't you mean those you hated immensely yet had the urge to get in the skirt of dead?
P: Same thing!
(Runs past king)
P: Sorry, got to go save the princess!
M: B!tch, that's my line!
(On phone)
F: Hello? Yes there strange young Persian male in my room who claims to be my long lost brother/boyfriend-
P: CRAP, your alive again!
F: Um . . . Thanks?
P: Most people think time is like a-
F: I don't want to know! Now get the hell out of my room!
V: I have a more simple version: the prince who is seeking glory and stuff is killed by me.
P: Yeah but your version kind of sucks.
V: Your father was a great warrior. To bad you don't take after him.
P: Oh no you didn't!
V: Oh yes I did!
P: Oh no you didn't!
V: Oh yes I-
F: Guys, seriously!
V: Maybe you 2 are alike. You both have a taste for easy plunder.
P: This place or the chick?
F: I'm right here you know!
V: Did you really think that you could defeat *cough* me?
P: Well an old dude who coughs up blood doesn't really sound like a final fantasy boss to me.
V: Truly my princess, you do not want a Persian in your corridors. They're rude and they stink up the place.
P: Well jeez, you don't have to be so racist about it!
(Slays vizier)
P: Well that was . . . Kind of pathetic actually.
F: But why did you make up such a fantastic story? Truly you think me a-
P: Annoying oblivious dimwitted little immature brat who can't count up to 10 without getting it confused with a pineapple?
F: . . . Yeah . . . Lets go with that.
F: What's your name?
P: Just call me . . . Indiana Jones.
F: Look, I may not remember a shit about anything, but even I know that's not your name.
P: FU-
(credits roll)
(stops video)
JM: See? I managed to make a serious video game that makes absolute perfect sense with intelligent and interesting characters undergoing a hard journey while forming a beautiful and tear-jerking romance. Right?
Ubi: Uh . . . Sure. We'll go with that.
EL FIN
Silly, random, stupid, yet totally worth it. Now click that review button. I promise, it gives out cookies.