The One I'll Always Know, a shadowhunters fanfic

Hi!
I really, really need to thank all of you for the awesome feedback you guys have been giving me on my first ever Malec story, I know, it sounds like a cliche, but I did not expect that much love. Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart. Thank you! :-*

Two weeks ago, I stumbled upon some tumblr post which read something like "Magnus sacrificing himself for Jace, Alec coming for his rescue and yes, I'll say that much a happy ending (of course! ;)).
The first thing that popped into my mind was The Fray's "Look After You" (Malec songfics seem to be my kryptonite^^). So, I sat down, wrote a draft, started typing (which is why, I hereby let you know that...

This work contains spoilers for Cassandra Clare's Infernal Devices Series, so read at your own risk? I'll put up a special warning at the beginning of the most spoilery chapter, that's probably going to be the third.

Thanks for reading, I'd love to hear from you and lets start this little thing with Magnus and Catarina where Magnus reveals what's going to happen in Chap.2 ;) and he's doing it very Magnus-like ;)

Lots of love, setthingsinmotion

Catarina

The most immortal beings Magnus had the (dis)pleasure of meeting throughout his existence, never paid a single thought of the concept of dying saying that what did not concern them wasn't worth to dampen the mood of an otherwise light-hearted discussion.

Magnus however had always held a different opinion to this matter, but had known better than to talk about it. His carefree and content attitude had gotten him far and wide- only very few people knew that who he was to be as much iron shield as it was confidence and wisdom.

If I don't say this now, I will surely break

There were a lot of things to regret when one has practically all eternity to screw up and use the ashes of their failures to build something new, something more solid and true. Most Warlocks seem to have forgotten those who brought them into this world in the first place. Generally speaking, it was Magnus's firm belief that a certain amount of modesty becomes every soul now and then.

The apartment was flooding with sunlight; the full-length windows had been one if not the major reason to buy this piece of the earth and make it a home. He had lived inherited a dozens of apartments, and lived in even more houses, but none had ever felt more like home than this apartment in Brooklyn. He'd never forget the first moment; he'd stepped through the front door. It had been the closest Magnus had ever come to describing love at first sight.

Until he had met Alexander, that was.

As I'm leaving the one I want to take

"Okay," said Magnus, giving the elusively green-ish elixir one last swirl. The violet sparks that were emitting from his fingertips stuck out alarmingly against the hellish bubbling sounds coming from the poison. "This needs to rest and simmer for another hour. Enough time to pick suitable wardrobe for tonight."

Without waiting for an answer, he had darted off to the bedroom, rather enthusiastically. With the door half open however, Magnus was able to hear Catarina's reply and he didn't need to turn around and look her in the eye to know what she was feeling. "Suitable," she said, almost ironically. "Suitable wardrobe for a suicide mission? Way to go Bane. Deep down I have always known you're a walking cliché, but I never expected you to redefine the natural barriers of clichés."

Any other time, this would have been nothing more than a lovely occurrence of bickering between two old friends who were allowed to speak truths and wrap accusations in false compliments. But today wasn't like any other day and both of them knew that.

Forget the urgency but hurry up and wait

"There are two goals every individual should strive after: Find true love and set new standards," explained Magnus. To Catarina it almost felt as though Magnus wasn't aware of what was going to happen tonight, even though he had been the one to initiate it in the first place. She eyed him curiously as he made his way back from the bedroom, two different dress shirts hanging over his left arm. "I can't do this on my own. Some advice would be much appreciated." You didn't bother asking for my opinion earlier, she thought but out loud she said: "What's Alec's favourite colour?" She was mad at him, even furious. She had never wanted to shake as much sense as she did now.

Magnus flinched visibly, his ill-fitting mask of nonchalance cracking, but as fast as it came, it vanished. The smile the Warlock put on was thin, but sincere. "This isn't about Alexander", he said, giving his long-time friend not the answer to the question she had voiced, but the one she had actually asked. "Black, his favourite colour is black. As much as I love him, black is…," he paused, "so trivial."

With a sigh and one last glance at the two dress shirts, Magnus clicked his fingers and the clothes returned to their traditional place in the closet.

A pang of guilt fluttered in Catarina's stomach like a crazed swarm of razor-sharp butterflies. One of the most important duties of a best friend was to always have each other's back, which sometimes meant to call on each other's mistakes and shortcomings. Through her work at the hospital, Catarina had witnessed many people and how every single one of them had grieved in a slightly different manner, albeit the mechanisms of grief remain the same, every soul adds their own touch to it.

Magnus had been balancing on a tightrope all day, caught between denial and blind actionism; his eyes that had always been life-affirming, were now – bit by bit – overshadowed by darkness like an extinguished candle.

He made his way over to the window, his back turned to his guest, face stern yet sad.

Acceptance, Catarina thought.

My heart has started to separate

"They say, right on their death bed, people regain a renewed ounce of strength and brightness, so that they can see the world in all its beauty for one last time." Had the sky always been that kind of blue and had the sun always shone so brightly and warmly, revitalizing everything it touched?

A soft brush against his shoulder interrupted the manly Warlock's train of thoughts. He hadn't heard Cat approaching, despite the comparably high heels she was wearing. He glanced sideways, seeing his best girl-friend standing as close to him as humanly possible. "Are those the shoes we bought on our shopping trip to Barcelona last year?"

You mean, the torture equipment you forced on me?" said Catarina seemingly in passing "Yep."

"I thought you hated them," Magnus enquired smiling.

"Oh I do. They're too glittery and just too much of pretty much everything that's decent and in good style, she quipped, her fancy pinned-up-hair, bouncing slightly as she turned to face Magnus. "I'm just fond of the memory, I guess."

They stood side by side in complete silence. It was a rather peaceful moment. The last two months had been hectic and draining, both emotionally and professionally. So much had happened and even though, the events of the past two months felt as though they had taken place over the time span of several decades, today felt like a an end or a new beginning. Today however, felt a lot like unfinished business.

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh

"I'm aware, this is a Clave matter and therefore I do understand that you are forbidden from filling in all the blanks, but…" she paused, her eyes darting back and forth between the people outside the apartments and Magnus' face, "…if there is some back up plan you need to tell me. I'm begging you to tell me. I've met a lot of Shadowhunters and dealt with far more Lightwoods than any soul should and in such, I refuse to believe that Alec would let you go off this cliff without an rescue rope around your waist."

Her voice had risen with every spoken word, every penned up emotion she had held back for her friend's sake and every slim hope she'd held into, pouring out of her like a sailboat crashing down a waterfall. She could almost feel the fragile wooden panel of the boat bursting under the pressure until there was nothing left to get her back up the waterfall again.

And she knew it with utmost certainty when Magnus's eyes remained completely frozen. "If I asked something of you, something of a personal matter, you would do it, would you not?"

Once again, Magnus didn't wait for her answer, he turned on his heels quickly, like a dancer carrying out a Biellman-spin, came to sudden hold, and squeezed her shoulder without looking at her. He'd knew she'd do anything he'd ask of her, because she was his friend. He needn't to ask, but the fact that he did let tears prickle behind the woman's eyes. The fact that he had asked was just so…him.

"I've written a few letters," he said, pointing at a pile of envelopes neatly placed on the coffee table. For a second, Catarina wondered, how she could have missed their presence, but maybe she just hadn't wanted to acknowledge their existence. It hadn't only been Magnus who had tried to deny the undeniable, "to clear some misunderstandings that might occur, " he added hastily as though he wasn't sure if he'd get the words if he took a second too long. "Would you hand them over?"

Be my baby
Oh, oh, oh

Six letters – Jace, Clary, Isabelle, Raphael, Maryse…Catarina shot a questioning gaze at her best friend, but Magnus's only response was an amused smile. And Alexander.

Alec…?

"Alec does know that we're saving his brother and parabatai, he knows that I had to summon my Father in order to retrieve the required information," said Magnus.

"But he doesn't know that what Asmodeus wants from you is going to kill you?"

For a short moment, Magnus's face lit up with pure adoration. "You've always been one of the brightest Warlocks I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, Catarina Loss."

Catarina fell into the armchair behind her, her knees giving way under the pressure of the knowledge Magnus had just entrusted her with. It took her a few seconds to find her voice again. "And he believed you?" she whispered.

"He does believe the potion I'm drinking is about creating a short but powerful bond between me and Asmodeus, so that we're able to transfer some of my powers onto him. It's the sort of energy he needs to keep Edom alive and breathing, so to speak," Magnus elaborated, gesticulating vividly, his glittery nail polish shimmering like diamonds in the Spring sun. "It's a small price in exchange for Jace's freedom and well-being. With the wards being up and Greater Demons only being able to enter this realm if they are summoned, there's hardly any risk."

Magnus had taken a seat opposed from her, on the couch, one arm casually thrown over the back rest. He looked pleased, even proud of himself for having come up with such an amazing plan.

"You are an idiot, you know that, right? If Ragnor were here, he'd tell you…"

"Ragnor is dead, Cat. Besides he said it himself: I only take his advice once every three hundred years and I already spent that one on crashing Alec's wedding."

"Oh?" said Catarina, anger rising in her voice. "Oh and, this…" she made a gesture indicating that the letters, the potion and even every single one of Alec's belongings in this very apartment was evidence to support her case. "This is how you intend on honouring the memory of a dear friend?"

She hadn't meant to say that, except she absolutely had meant to say that, but was unsure as to how she was supposed to justify yelling and pointing at a dead man walking.

Suddenly Magnus was right in front of her, levelling his head down to hears, each arm set onto one armrest: "You have no idea what being parabatai truly means, what it's about." Magnus's eyes had come back to life, but Catarina wasn't sure if that was the kind of spirit she wanted to see in her best friend's eyes; with his glamour fallen off and his golden cat eyes blown wide, she felt like he would be ready to attack at any minute. Maybe, she thought, maybe that was the Magnus she had never known, the one that had lost himself, his own beliefs and ways in order to fall in step with Camille.

But no. As Catarina shook her head slowly from side to side, she let go of this thought. Yes, this was the most determined she had ever seen him, but this wasn't Magnus being dangerous and destructive out of carelessness; this was Magnus being on a mission that would do anyone good but himself.

And she couldn't help but admire him even if she hated his doing at the very same time.

"I've seen it with Will and Jem; the struggle and the pain. Even after Will had learned that Jem had gone to The Silent City, his parabatai was still gone, the rune burned off his skin. It was like Jem had died and yet had not. It made a huge difference for him, gave him peace of mind, but it wasn't enough."

Straightening his back, Magnus brought some space between his guest and himself before he continued. "Nothing could have ever been enough. I can only imagine what that feels like, but seeing it first hand was enough pain, I can tell you that much with certainty." His eyes drifted through the room, looking at everything and yet at nothing as he was walking down memory lane, back to the time he had spent in London and its Institute. "But this time," whispered Magnus, his voice low and distant, the film of what had transpired all those years ago flickering before his inner eye. "this time would be even worse. Jace would actually die and not in battle, like the true and honourable Shadowhunter that he is, but tortured to death, disgraced by the Clave and eventually, forgotten." He shook his head once, twice, blinking as though he'd only woken up from a dream and was trying to tell fact from fiction. "I can't let that happen, Cat."

"I understand," she said, rising up to her feet. "I do Magnus, but Alec…", she paused yet again, her brows furrowed in concentration. Catarina hardly ever paused, she always knew what to say and how to get the point across, but today pausing seemed to be the only reliable life line she had to hold her thoughts together. "Do you really, really think that Alec loves you less than Jace? I may not know as much about parabatais as you do, but I don't think…"

With a nod of his head, Magnus showed her to not say another word. Of course, he had thought about this and yes, he had thought this through. Of course he had. He'd be a fool not to, but all this thoughts all his outweighing one aspect against the other had let him to one outcome. He may not be High Warlock anymore, but he still knew all about responsibilities and consequences. "If Alec knew what I was doing, he'd be hell bent on saving both me and Jace, and that would get him killed," his voice broke, the sheer idea that Alec could die was enough to bring him on the verge of insanity. His thoughts drifted off to Tessa on the night of Will's death, how he had held her in his arms and let her weep and cry and curse and cry some more. Back then, he had thought he'd knew everything about heartbreak and grief, but he came to realize that none of his heartbreaks was even remotely close to matching Tessa's after losing the man she had loved for so many years. He both longed and feared this experience for himself and after some time had gone by, he had buried this memory somewhere deep inside of him, believing that he'd never be confronted with such love and loss.

"I'm sure you'll understand that this option is not even up for discussion."

"Of course not," smiled Catarina weakly, tears had formed in her eyes, dangling off her long lashes like silvery gold. "Still doesn't mean, I have to like it." She slung her arms around him.

One last hug for her best friend.

"Thank you," he whispered in her ear. His skin was so warm, so full of life, it was hard to understand, that not long after this hug, after she released him, his skin would turn cold.

"Maybe there is some selfishness within my selflessness," said Magnus, hearing Cat's surprised intake of breath. "Even the most selfless souls in the universe hope that their sacrifice with leave a positive echo, that they did die not for nothing, but something and pray that their loved ones may not forget them, even when they go one with their lives and find their happily ever after somewhere else, don't you agree, Catarina?"

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh

He hugged her close, one final time until he let her go, made the Portal that was supposed to bring him to the Institute and vanished without looking back.

Catarina stood frozen in place and it took several moments for her to realize that Magnus had slipped something in her pocket. Hesitantly and of its own accord, her hand slipped inside, her fingers, shivering with fear and sadness, curled around something that felt like the shape of a flacon.

As the flacon met the sunlight, streaming through the windows, the dark blue liquid within it sparkled.

Catarina had only ever read or heard of this infamous potion, she'd never made it herself and hence, could not envision ever making it, but she knew that its beauty was only masking its cruelness.

Be my baby

Out of every favour Magnus Bane had asked of her, this may be the most important one and yet, it had also been the one the Warlock hadn't been able to communicate, not directly that was.

The anti-love potion.

I'll look after you

Next chapter: Magnus/Alec/Maryse/Jace & Asmodeus at the Institute