...So I'm entering the Harry Potter world.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter because my name isn't J.K Rowling.
Warning: Homosexuality, bigorty, sombreros, gay marriage, crackshot plans, cursing...that's really about it.
This is an attempt at humor. This is also been rattling about in my brain since god-knows-what, and well...
Enjoy.
In her mind she knew it was too easy.
Everything was going along perfectly: through the effort of the cousins, the Leaky Cauldron was booked and set for a month in advance, the idea to decorate the place in spiffing colors of white, pale blue, and gold. A lovely Caterer that actually served real food was hired and Professor and Mrs. Longbottom agreed to provide the alcohol in lieu of presents. And after crunching the numbers, she managed to get a great deal on a photographer and a live band.
The rings were already picked out and in a nice, safe place that could be accessed instantly. Robes for all were locked away in a special wardrobe spelled to keep away vermin, boggarts, and snooping people with grubbing hands. Even better, there was finally a date for the big event.
Yes, everything was going according to plan. All the cousins were ready for the big engagement party, and all were peacefully (for a change) conversing. Even the loving pair had been delirious in their engaged bliss, especially since one of them was known for being slightly neurotic and the other…well, was the only child of a notorious pureblooded family that once housed a Dark Lord that nearly enslaved the entire Wizarding World. There's a certain level of crazy one inherits from that.
Yes, everything was set and ready for the engagement party and eventual wedding of Albus S. Potter and Scorpius H. Malfoy in Rose Weasley's mind.
At least, she'd thought.
Frankly, she'd blame the fact that she'd been planning this for months that it was possible it fried her brain to forget what would've been so desperately obvious had she'd been in her right mind. And she'd blame the fact that her brother acted too much like their father, and somehow gotten into his mind to mail invitations to everyone, not just the ones that were on the list that she'd given him weeks ago. So instead of a few close friends and one or two teachers from school being invited, he'd mailed out invitations for everyone. Not just cousins who knew (and cheered on) the couple's flirting and eventual dating.
He included the every single family member.
Such as the two pairs of parents that didn't know that their sons were even gay, much less dating each other for the past seven years and finally deciding to tie the knot. And the aunts and uncles and grandparents that were very much in the dark about this as the parents.
It also didn't help that Scorpius future mother-in-law was a reporter for the Daily Fucking Prophet. And so Hugo thought to include the same fucking people who once tried and sneak into Albus' dorm room in their Fourth Year to the party as well.
As soon as this was over, she was going to bludgeon her brother with club. Or worse.
But first she had to make sure that the once happy couple didn't do something stupid.
"Scorpius, for the last time- put down the suitcase and step away from the broom."
Like elope and run away to Argentina.
"Rosie you don't understand. We were going to tell them after the wedding. In a firecall chat. While in Canada. We figured that we would have an entire ocean and continent between us and them and if it went horribly drastically wrong we had enough time to run away and hide but no we don't and oh my god I'm fucked. Fucked, fucked, fucked," The gray-eyed blonde staring straight ahead, his voice was slowly becoming shrill as he kept repeating "fucked" over and over, snapping and baring his teeth when Rose attempted to get the broom away from him.
"I found it!" Albus' cry rang through the room, as Rose gave a warrior-like cry and started to try and gain control of the broom gripped tightly in Scorpius' hands. She had years of Quidditch experience and practice, along with plain brute strength and Auror Training at her advantage. Unfortunately, Scorpius had pure terror and desperation coursing through his veins. She'd seen what happened when a wizard got cornered, and still recalled the time it took four Aurors to wrestle down a suspect. Just as she started to dance around the room with a pale-faced blond and a broom, the hotel door open and James S. Potter's bewildered voice came from behind her. "What the hell?"
She whipped her head at the intruder, still keeping her hands on the broom. "Did you know about this?" she snapped. Brown eyes blinked in confusion at the question. "Know about what?" the tall man asked. Rose motioned with her head at the scene. "Apparently Scorpius and Albus forgot to do something," she hissed, giving a viscous tug at the broom. The blonde man tugged right back.
James scratched his head, making his already messy hair more untidy. "They forgot their rings or something?" He wasn't really into the planning, not exactly sure what went into the planning of an engagement party and wedding and not really sure if he was comfortable of the idea. Like Scorpius and Al (and half of the Hogwarts student population, the majority of their cousins, and all of Rose's old boyfriends), they all were happy to sit back and watch Rose work her talents in organizing, planning, and ordering people about. Not that they didn't help, but Rosie was always had the best plans and the nastiest curses under her metaphorical belt.
She shook her head, taking two steps back in an attempt to gain control of the broom. Scorpius clung onto it for dear life she began to tug at the Firebolt 3500 viciously. "Apparently, they forgot the most important part of getting married your gay lover: actually coming out to your parents before-your bloody engagement!" Granted, over the years both families had (loudly and avidly) voiced their "concerns" about Albus befriending "that bloody Malfoy boy" or Scorpius befriending "that bloody Potter boy." Really, they had a reason to be hesitant. But still…what the hell were they thinking?
James' brows shot up. "You mean they didn't tell them yet?"
"You knew about this and you didn't tell me?" Rose shrieked, letting go of the broom in shock. Scorpius let out a crow of delight, throwing open the window and dropping the suitcase in his hand like the sad desperate piece of luggage it was. "ALBUS! HURRY!" he shouted, actually screaming when the Weasley girl pounced onto of him. In moments they were back on their feet, both struggling to get the broom.
"Albus," she called out, hoping that his Logic and Rationality would appear and end this madness "Will you at least try and-
"¿Mi nombre? Mi nombre es Severino Arullo." A dark haired, green-eyed man came into the main living room, staring intently at the pages with a fake handlebar mustache plastered haphazardly to his face and a black poncho over muggle clothes. Scorpius smiled at the book in the man's hand, actually letting go of the broom with relief. "Oh thank god. You found the phrase book," he sighed as James burst out laughing. Rose merely looked at the man. "What is this," was all she could reply.
"Este aquí es Valentin Arullo. Somos medio hermanos y ejecutando desde hombres enloquecidos con puntiagudas pega," Albus enunciated each word, gesturing with his hand to Scorpius. He looked up, green eyes wide with fright. "I've decided we're going as half-brothers until we hit Argentina. You'll be Valentin, and I'll be Severino and we can live our days as Muggles that happen to hit a snag with the immigration police in England. Or Canada. Whichever sounds more realistic. It's a work in progress."
Scorpius nodded hastily, trying to get the broom away from the furious red-head. "Lovely. Siblings, work in progress, Got everything?" With a wave of a wand and a nod from the middle child of the Potter family, a garish Sombrero was on Scorpius head and Albus had two bags (including the one that was lying on the floor,) bulging with clothes. The green-eyed boy grimaced at the blonde, watching warily as his lover fought for control of the broom. "Now all we have to do if make it past the border before-"
"James!" Rose shrieked, at the end of her rope. "Say something!"
"Er," The eldest child looked at the two freaking out men, furious trying to summon the Potter Charisma (or Black Charisma, depending on who you ask, dead or alive) into persuading that ditching and running away to South America is NOT a good way to live your life with the person of your dreams. "Argentina has…poor magical public transportation?" He tried. Rose glared at him with the fury only a woman could muster. He took a step away from her.
"We won't be living as Wizards," Scorpius said gently, a slightly more chilling from the mantra he'd been saying earlier. And the smile he had was pure creepy. " And I've heard many things about good things about Argentina. Gay marriage is one. Also, they make a killing with Colombian Muggle drugs importation." He was definitely panicking if his facial expression was to be any help. Rose stared, fully stared at the glassy-eyed look Scorpius was giving, stopping with the struggle with the broom. "Scorp, what are Muggle drugs in your mind?" Gray eyes blinked innocently at her. "Medical Potions?"
"Oh sweet-look, you are NOT running away to Argentina, you are NOT going to get killed and for the LOVE of EVERYTHING HOLY, you are NOT. RUINING. THIS. FOR ME." With that last snarl she yanked away the broom from the paler man's hand, shoving it into James'. "And get that stupid mustache off of you. You look like a pedophile," she said to Albus, wrenching it off. Albus yelped, rubbing at the place where the mustache was at. She didn't care.
"Rosie." Scorpius whirled from the window to clutch at Rose's shoulders, the blonde's normally slightly smirking face was white and full of unholy terror. "My father would kill me. No- he would Crucio me into insanity before he would vivisect me in front of everybody, stringing my guts from the rafters as he cursed my testicles into a snitch-sized balls to use them when he gets the mad idea and tries to relieve his School-Seeker days-"
"Oh, dude," James complained, wrinkling his nose. Scorpius nodded his head violently. "He would!" Scorpius shrieked, releasing Rose to pace by the open window, wringing his hands. "Oh, its fuckedfuckedfuckedfuckedfuck -" Rose turned to Albus. "Al! Please!" She begged. Albus merely shook his head, his neurotic ways getting to him as he murmured over and over, "Oh Dios nos estamos jodidos."
Rose growled, hands tightening into fists in frustration. Obviously fear had taken its place in their (mostly) rational minds. There was really one choice. Without the couple noticing, she raised her wand. "Stupefy!" In moments, both Albus and Scorpius were crumpled on a heap on the floor, leaving a gaping James Potter and grimly satisfied Rose Weasley. "What the hell did you do that for?" James demanded, turning on his cousin. The point of a 16 inch, Maple and Dragonheart String wand was immediately at his throat.
"Do NOT make me used this," Rose Weasley growled from the bottom her throat, giving him the glare that reminded him of the time she put Rowley Fowell in the Infirmary for mocking Scorpius and Albus. "Because I'm at the end of my rope and so help me god I will use this."
James put his hands up. "Okay, Rose, I won't just…put the wand down…"
With a sigh she stepped away from James, much to his pleasure. She grimaced at the unconscious couple, muttering a deep sleeping, hopefully buying herself time. She ran a hand through her hair. "Oh sweet Merlin, what the hell am I going to do? Scorpius is right, our families do totally hate each other; my dad is more likely to shake hands with an Acromantula than to be smile in the vicinity of Mr. Malfoy. And the rest? God Forbid! They'll probably hexed the Malfoy's from here to Antarctica and back again…and the Malfoys probably would too…Merlin's pants…what the hell am I going to do?" James shrugged, scratching at the base of his neck as Rose stared morosely at the sleeping couple. Out of all of them, Rose was great at damage control. Usually if he waited, Rose would-
"I've got it."
There it was.
The red-haired woman turned to James, looping an arm around his neck and crushing his head against her chest, the other arm thrusting a fist in the air. "I've got a plan that will save this party from total disaster, keep Albus and Scorpius from becoming drug cartels and possibly will end the blood feud between the Weasleys and Malfoys once and for all. Yes, this will be great, this will be grand, or my name isn't Rose Weasley!"
"You're crushing my face into your boobs," James' muffled whine came from the side of her chest. She released him, a grim smile playing on her lips and determination in her eyes. "James. Gather all the cousins and the twins; all of them. Tell them to meet here with two calming draughts, warm robes, hot chocolate and rope. Wait- no rope. Wait- yeah, bring rope."
James glared at her. "Would you like fries with that?" he asked, voice dripping with sarcasm and irritation. He'd picked up the saying from a trip in America. Unfortunately, it went over Rose's head and he ran out the door, hexes dancing on his heels. Rose sighed.
It was so hard to find good help these days.
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