Hey, here is another Oneshot. A big thanks to my Beta for tips, thoughts and a few corrections here and there. Hope you'll enjoy!
She had been thinking in her car, in front of their new house, for too long now. Too much had happened tonight, too much to think about. She had to cool off.
She turned off the engine and got out of the vehicle.
Lucas was on the couch. He probably had fallen asleep waiting for her, the television was still on. She sighed, relieved to find little peace. A smile formed on her lips, and her shoulder lowered.
She located the remote control and closed the television. The sudden absence of light brought back the disturbing thoughts. She felt nervous and confused again.
She then entered the bathroom. She left the blue outfit in the laundry, and washed her face and hands from the dirt. She looked at her face in the mirror, but that's not what she saw.
First she saw the woman. This young woman fought for her leg just as hard as he fought for his then. It touched her. This was no ordinary women; she was determined and strong even though she was afraid. Determined and strong. Her face flashed back in her head. Her scream seemed to fill the room. She shook her head, and took deeper breaths; she needed to cool off again.
She headed to the kitchen after a few minutes. The silence in the whole house made her uncomfortable. She opened the lights and tried to make some sense out of this; the trauma was over; the girl was going to be fine, he was with her. He was the best doctor she had ever met; she was going to be fine. She deeply hoped she would; there had been too much death tonight.
She stepped slowly in the kitchen and set some water to boil. She looked for a coffee cup, but they were all dirty and the dishwasher hadn't been started either. Men are all the same after all. She took a cup from the dishwasher and washed it. The clear water on her hands was warm and soothing.
She sneezed which brought tears to her eyes; the accident site was crawling with dust and debris, sneezing and coughing was to be expected for the upcoming days. She wiped the tears away with her forearm. She breathed again.
She placed the cup next to the sink, checked the water and went to Rachel's room. She hadn't opened any lights on but she could see her small body asleep, completely unaware of the tragedy that had happened tonight. Ignorance really is bliss.
She sobbed into tears again. She couldn't help it. The more she was holding them back, the more tears were tracing their way down her cheeks. On top of it all, she wasn't sure why she was crying; she honestly didn't have a clue. Was it a specific event; House's confession, the deaths, the accident itself, the tragic faith of this woman? Or was it a bit of everything? She didn't know.
Her body froze. House's confession.
"I'm in pain, everyday" the scene kept coming back to her. "They did that very risky operation, I almost died" She remembered. "I almost died" She remembered when she thought she had lost him then. She remembered clearly when his heart activity stopped before she pushed the paddles onto his chest, refusing to let him go. He couldn't just die, not after fighting this hard for it. When his body lifted to the electric discharge then, she had stopped breathing; it was the first time she was defibrillating someone she had known well, and he wasn't just anybody. He was a man she had come to admire and respect. A star to reach, a statue to be impressed by.
After the surgery, he never had been the same again. "It changed me" his voice echoed in her head. She had changed him.
"But you saved your leg" the woman had said. "I wish I hadn't". She shivered as guilt overwhelmed her body. She brought her hand to her mouth to choke back the sobbing. "It changed me, made me a harder person". She felt responsible for his entire person; the man he had become after that was all her fault. And she had the arrogance to tell him to move on, that Hannah's leg wasn't worth it.
"What do you have in your life, honestly, tell me?" She felt horrible for saying those words. She really was just a pathetic narcissist. "Nothing, House! you've got nothing!" Those words hit him hard. "…nothing!" she saw the blue of his eyes change at that moment. It was like stabbing his heart. Hers was being stabbed as she remembered how heartless and selfish she had been.
"I'm alone" he had admitted. She felt his pain, even as she was still staring at Rachel, but too lost in her thoughts to notice that the kettle had been whistling for a few minutes now.
It was at that moment that Lucas had woken up. He was confused as he hadn't woken up from a bed, but caught up rather quickly. He walked towards the noise coming from the kitchen when he noticed her silhouette in front of the baby's room. He squinted, adjusting his eyes to the change in lightings, as he reached her. He saw her shoulders trembling in the dark and he heard her crying.
"Lisa, you okay?" he asked gently.
She jumped back to reality.
"Geez, Lucas!" She caught up, wiping quickly her tears away. "Yes, it's … it's nothing, I'm okay". She tripped over the word nothing, of course, she knew exactly why.
"If you can't open up to me, Lisa, I can't help you." He said, deeply sorry for her usual stubbornness towards her daily struggles.
He was right, she thought, but who said I wanted to be helped?
"By the way …" he added "Is there enough water for two?"
"Water?" she asked before noticing the pleading whistle from the kettle. "Water!" she answered herself before rushing in the kitchen room.
When he entered the room, slower than her as he wasn't completely awake yet, she was already filling up two cups with water.
"It would be nice if you could wash dishes once in a while" She got two tea bags out. "So I wouldn't have to clean it before using it." And she soaked them simultaneously in the hot steaming water.
"How bad was it?" he attempted, excusing her edginess given the circumstances of the evening.
He got the cup she was handing him and took a seat at the dining table. He looked at her face and realized, maybe a little late, that it was a very stupid question, since he knew, from what he saw on television before he fell asleep, that it was as bad as it could've been; a tragic nightmare. He could barely imagine what she had been through tonight. He admired her strength and self-control while looking at her still standing, lost in her thoughts. She didn't seem stressed or nervous, just absent.
She brought her cup of tea to her lips, took a few sips and sighed. "I'd rather not talk about it." She finally said. "Haven't you watched the news, I'm sure they know more than I do".
"You're upset, and-"
"Well, of course, I'm upset!" She snapped while cutting him off. "Who wouldn't be? Everybody is upset!"
So much for self-control, he thought.
She soon regretted her tone; he had a point, what was she so upset about, exactly?
"I'm just trying to be nice here" He said while she looked sorry. "Besides, we might have someone else upset if we don't settle down"
That's what was great about him; he was always trying to be nice. And she did appreciate the use of the word "we" even though she knew she had been the only one who was talking loudly enough to wake Rachel up.
She apologized.
"Talk to me." He asked nicely. "What's on your mind?"
She took one longer sip; if only she could have vanished into thin air. She didn't want to talk about it, but somehow she knew she wouldn't sleep well tonight. She also felt that the weight she was carrying on her shoulders wouldn't get lighter whether she talked about it or not. No matter how nice Lucas was, she wasn't getting away with this. She had everything to lose, nothing to gain. She knew he wanted to help, but – but what? She thought. What am I hiding? What am I fighting for? And why? Normally she would have avoided the questions, too afraid of the possibility of one particular answer, but now it was upsetting her.
"I don't know, I think I just saw too much." she admitted. "Everything is too much, nothing went like expected… nothing" She tripped again. Her heart changed rhythm.
And just like that, she felt she knew the answer, she felt she had known it all along. Was she still afraid, though?
He listened to her carefully, but he felt something in her tone. Something had changed. He felt her last sentence meant more then what she had really intended it to meant.
"I…" she couldn't say anything else; she wasn't even sure what she wanted to say. She just felt sorry and confused about why she felt that way. Sorry for what? For whom? Lucas? Herself?
"I don't love you" she remembered saying sooner that night. Yes, she definitely was still afraid. Where did it come from anyway? House never had implied she loved him. Why would she confirm him the opposite? She remembered pushing the words out of her mouth, like it was painful to say – or was it more like 'painful to hear'? Did he love her? Her heart couldn't keep the cadence; just the thought of it was almost painful. Did she … love him? Did she love House? Did she love Lucas? Why does her heart was beating up like that?
Her expression seemed really weird at the moment. She was definitely struggling inside. But her face was somehow relaxed or relieved – he couldn't say which. Investigations, spying and observing had taught him to read one's non-verbal language; the thoughts emanating from her didn't soothe him at all, and they made him to come to one bitter conclusion.
"It's House, isn't it?" He threw out after sighing, on a sorry tone.
"What about him?" She shivered at the mention of the doctor. "Why would you-" She responded.
"House is what is going on. He's the reason you've been acting weird lately, why you're not talking to me anymore. It's because of him, isn't it?"
"I had a rough night, Lucas, and House has nothing to do with it" She explained, surprisingly calm, even to herself.
"Really?" he stood up, frowning. "Don't you dare tell me, you're not feeling anything for him…at all"
She refused to hear his words. "Look, I'm not getting into this, I-"
"The hell you are, Lisa Cuddy". He cut her. She froze at the furry behind his claims. "Once and for all; are you – yes or no – in love with House?"
He saw her smile nervously. "This is ridiculous, Lucas, what does that have to do with anything?"
"What does it have to do with anything?" He repeated to himself as if he couldn't believe she was still not getting it. He was pretty sure she was avoiding it, not because she'd want to hide it, but because she couldn't admit it to herself. He hated the thought that he would have to be the one to open her eyes. Love is blind, he thought to himself. His teeth tightened with anger. "You really do not get it, do you?" He sighed loudly, "I can't believe I'm going to break it to you", he emphasized those words because he just couldn't believe he was about to utter those words, "He … He loves you" he admitted, completely powerless.
Her breathing got faster, she frowned with denial. What was going on? She swallowed. "What?"
"At thanksgiving, he told me he loved you." He confessed.
Over the years, House's remarks had become a part of her, they had taken over the things she would have normally felt, regular people wouldn't have known what to think. They wouldn't know about his games. She had learned to ignore most of his cold insanities meant to manipulate the people around him. She knew him, understood him. But the subject of love remained impossible to predict or understand. Was he capable of such feeling? She stopped wondering long ago as she couldn't risk getting her heart broken. She was quite the specimen.
"Oh come on, whatever he said that night is irrelevant, you said he was drunk that night, he told me the next day, he was completely drunk-" she tried to explain.
"Yes, exactly! Why was he? Why would he bother come to me, drink and admit his dirty little secret." He stated as evidence.
Her defenses lowered after she had paid more attention to the meaning of his words. That's what was frustrating about House; it's always been impossible to know if he was telling the truth or not, his agenda was hard to decipher. He could even lie with his actions, if he wanted. The question remained unanswered to her; did he love her? Her head started spinning. No! She had to stop thinking.
"Because, he couldn't accept us being toget-"
"CAUSE, you rejected him." He cut again. "You tricked him, so yeah, maybe he did lie as a revenge – that would sound exactly like him – but honestly" He hated himself for what he was about to say, he was literally pushing her in his arms. "I don't think he lied".
"Of course he lied" she responded as she sit. She avoided his eyes. Of course he lied, she repeated in her head trying to convince herself.
"That would certainly ease things up for you, wouldn't it?" He crossed his arms.
The phone rang and got her out of her reverie. She picked up.
During this time, Lucas prepared tea again. He saw her suddenly froze. She almost looked as if someone had died. She hushed her head once or twice, put her hand to her mouth and added "How is he?" She had what he called her concerned-for-House face on. He saw that face too often, in fact. Somehow he didn't feel jealous at House nor angry at her. He was only deeply sorry for himself.
When she hung up, he asked about the caller.
"Foreman" she answered, "House's patient is dead, and Foreman is worried, he is afraid House might do something stupid" She explained as she was looking for her keys.
"Lisa?" he called. "Don't go"
"I'm sorry" She apologized. "I have to; he's a complete jerk but-"
"He's not good for you, he's gonna make you miserable, he's not good for Rachel either." He quickly said.
She stopped. Miserable? "He already made me miserable, I am miserable" she said, ready to leave.
"House is physically unable to be happy, House is screwed up, insane, cold. House doesn't listen to anyone, not even you. House is just a guy with a limp and a brain."
"I know, but he needs me"
"And you need him" he completed.
Did I? She wondered. Over the years, she kept saying the hospital needed him as he was the best diagnostician she had known, but did her need for him, as a person, really was what had been hiding behind that crappy statement? She had to stop lying to herself. She had to finally admit she wasn't feeling the same around any other person, any other employee. She remembered appreciating their power plays, his misplaced public remarks regarding her body parts and his childish attitude. She didn't want to lose that.
It was then that she had realized, not a single time since she had gotten home tonight had she wondered about anybody else then him. And then she had her answer. She did need him in her life, she wanted him by her side and she was in love with him.
She looked up at Lucas, deeply sorry. Their couple and marriage were screwed.
Lucas wondered if the small lights he saw in her eyes were due to lightings or were build up tears in her eyes.
She was about to leave, when he said "You don't know what you're getting yourself into." He frowned. "What does he have that I don't? Why him?"
She shook her head no, "I truly don't know … I don't know" She said still asking herself the unanswered question.
"House is a lucky guy" feeling sorry for himself.
She immediately remembered when House said the exact same thing about Lucas a few weeks ago.
She was about to open the door, but she turned back with suspicion. "How long have you know?" she asked.
"Somehow, I always suspected it, especially after thanksgiving, but I've been certain of it for a couple of days now, I think." He admitted.
"But …" she tried to articulate "You still proposed me? Even though you knew?"
"A desperate attempt at keeping you with me, having you talking to me and, at the same time, discouraging him from any attempt at winning you back. Women fake pregnancies, men use rush proposals to keep the other from slipping away."
She kissed his cheek "I'm sorry it didn't work".
She attempted to leave but again turned back. She was about to speak when he nodded "I'll be gone in the morning and, don't worry, I'll call Marina as soon as it is a reasonable time for her to come in babysit"
She thanked him.
"Just go." He finally said.
And she left without looking back once.
He emptied the water from the kettle and both their teas in the sink and closed the lights off. He went back on the couch, but couldn't find any sleep.
So was it has you saw it? Is it how she ended it according to you?
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