Author's notes: This story was inspired by Grandiose Me's "The Other Woman Incident." It got me thinking: What if Megamind took an insult to Roxanne a little more personally? And thus this tale was born. A scene from the original Blues Brothers movie also proved inspirational. (And yes, the fact that a movie with the word "Blues" in it helped inspire this story does strike me as ironic.) Anyone who can name the scene gets brownie points. (Though it may be easier to identify in the second chapter.)
A big thank you goes out to my beta readers, Nora Salisbury and Hunger4Righteousness, who kindly offered feedback, moral support, and pointed out the correct use of "was" rather than "were."
Night Club of Doom
Megamind flung the newspaper onto the table. "How long have you known about this act?" he demanded, clipping short the last word. Leaning back in the chair, he rested one hand on the table and glowered at Minion.
Minion shifted his feet unhappily. I can't believe I forgot to throw it away, he thought glumly.
He glanced at the ad to give himself a little time to come up with a tactful answer, though he remembered well enough what it said. He'd come across the paper while he was picking up some extra test tubes at the university. He'd gone into a students' lounge to hit the vending machine for some snacks when he saw the paper lying on a sagging couch. It wasn't one that he normally read, being full of ads for places that he and Sir never visited.
It had caught his eye because it said something about an 'Evil Master of Villainy' so of course he'd read it as he wrenched the front off the vending machine, and paused as he reached for the candy bars. He was shocked, then disgusted, then worried. If Sir found out about it there would be no end of trouble, though exactly what form the trouble would take he did not like to guess.
But instead of immediately throwing it in the trash where it belonged, he must have absent-mindedly carried it back to the Lair, along with all the other stuff he'd been carrying. Oh, that's right, that was about the time he'd heard someone enter the building, so he had to make a quick getaway. That's what had happened.
A single gloved finger tapping on the table brought Minion out of his recollections.
"Well, maybe a week?" Minion mumbled.
"And you were planning on informing me of this detestable performance when, exactly?"
"I'm sorry, Sir, it must have slipped my mind." Which was true enough, though Minion had been hoping that Megamind would, ideally, have never found out.
Megamind glowered for a moment longer, then pushed away from the table and paced across the room. Several brainbots hovered expectantly at the abrupt movements, looking to see if Daddy was ready to start playing. Eyestalks drooped mournfully as Megamind ignored their 'bowgs' and continued to pace.
"I'm sure the novelty will wear off in a few weeks, Sir," Minion said, hoping to placate the coming storm. "I mean, I know it's pretty horrible, but how many people are even going to see it? It's not like it's on TV, or like they put the ad in any respectable newspaper. It's no big deal, it's..."
"No big deal!" Megamind snapped, his pacing making the cape swirl. "This effrontery cannot go unpunished! Why, it's an insult! Anything that tarnishes the good name of Roxanne Ritchi must be quashed."
"It must?" Minion said in surprise.
"Of course it must!" Megamind strode briskly across the room to the bank of monitors, currently showing seventeen different TV stations. He typed instructions on the keyboard and two of the lowest screens began showing print.
Minion hadn't been expecting this particular angle. It didn't surprise him that the boss was angry about some stripper making herself up to look like Miss Ritchi, but it was a surprise to hear him admit it.
"Why?" he asked cautiously. In order to keep up with Sir's train of thought, it was helpful to board at the right station. He edged closer and peered over Sir's shoulder. The words 'Pussycat Club' were at the top of the nearest screen, but the rest of the print was too small to read.
"You know how much that flying galoot depends on his sterling reputation!" Megamind said without turning around. "If the more reputable branches of the media get wind of this, it will ruin everything! Seeing a couple of talentless hacks dressed to look like Miss Ritchi and myself prancing around together on stage will plant all the wrong ideas in people's heads. Rumors will fly. Tongues will wag! Do you know that sleazeball DJ on WKAM is already making snide remarks about the possibility that Roxanne is willfully involving herself in her own kidnappings? It's outrageous. And now this scuzzy dance routine will add more fuel to the flames! Before you know it, people will be gossiping that she and I are...are...well, you know." He waved his hands vaguely around in the air. "Metro Man will, at first, be outraged and indignant. Being the heroic type, he will, naturally, stand by her, claim it doesn't matter what people say, blah blah blah, but he'll crack under the pressure, you mark my words. He can't handle bad publicity. He'll break up with her. We cannot let that happen!"
Minion scratched his dome. "We can't?"
"No, we can't!" Megamind whirled. Minion hastily took a step back. "Don't you see? Our battles are never more intense than when the life of the helpless damsel is at stake! The drama! The heightened emotions! It's so much more rewarding than kidnapping some random, anonymous bystander and putting them in mortal peril." Whisking his cape around he paced across the room again.
Minion watched him for a moment. Calmly he said, "He could just hook up with someone else, Sir." Megamind stopped pacing, cape swirling around his boots. "He's the most eligible bachelor in town. Why, if he started dating someone else, you would have someone new to kidnap. Wouldn't that make it more interesting?"
Megamind slowly turned a gaze of steel on him. Minion returned the glare with an expression of helpful innocence. Wonder what he'll do with that, he thought.
"No, it would not," Megamind said coldly. "Furthermore, there is the little matter of the personal insult this ridiculous performance offers me. Personally. Wouldn't you agree?"
Minion sighed. "Yeah, I guess it is pretty bad."
"Quite," Megamind said through his teeth. "It cannot be allowed to stand. Prepare the brainbots."
Gene looked up from the order forms at the cries of alarm that cut through the booming synthesized music and the heavy bass beat. He pushed away from his desk and almost got smacked in the face when the office door flew open and Tammi burst in, bosom heaving, which was normally a welcome sight, but the panic in her eyes got his attention this time.
"Gene, you gotta get out here!"
He hurried out into the hall. Frightened girls were pouring out of the dressing rooms and crowding the hallway. The music ceased as if someone had pulled the plug and now he could hear shouts of alarm and a few screams from the waitresses on the main floor. The sounds of stampeding feet indicated that an attempt was being made by his customers to vacate the premises. Gene's heart pounded with dread, and he hoped against hope that whatever was happening was not really happening, but every citizen of Metro City recognized the distinctive sound of brainbots swarming.
Gene tried to deny the evidence of his own ears. It couldn't be him! He never came to strip clubs! He was famous for it!
He ducked as several brainbots swooped over his head and down the hallway he'd just come out of, girls yelping and ducking. A couple of the brainbots were of a type he hadn't seen before, bigger and heavier, with a solid sort of look to them. They were completely black except for the rows of glowing blue spikes that ran down their backs like mohawks and their gigantic bear trap jaws opened and closed sedately, as if they were sharks testing the water.
Off in the distance a male voice shrieked, "AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Get it off! Get it off!" Was that his bouncer screaming? Vinnie?
Gene looked around in bewilderment at the storm of pink and purple feathers. Excited brainbots swept through the whirling fluff, snapping and tearing them in their jaws. His field of vision was unexpectedly filled with big hair and the furious, glittering face of Cheri, who had been chased off the stage.
"They ate my boa!" she shrieked, arms wrapped around what was left of her costume. Gene winced. Cheri's voice could crack crystal. He grabbed her shoulders and moved her firmly aside, just in time to see Vinnie sailing through the air and crashing into a table, and from there to the floor.
Megamind strolled through the swirling feathers, past the overturned chairs, running his gaze over the room with a smile of grim satisfaction. Minion, dragging Roscoe the other bouncer along by his shirt, walked over to him.
"All secure, Sir."
Megamind clasped his hands behind his back. "Threat neutralized?"
"Very neutralized, Sir," Minion said, glaring at Roscoe, who made a keening sound and clutched at the metal hand twisted into his shirt.
"Why is he making that noise?"
Minion shrugged. "Must've caught a few chest hairs."
"Ah. Well, just put him with the others. A bit more gently this time, if you please, Minion."
Minion hauled the bouncer over to the opposite wall underneath the glowing pink neon 'Pussycat Club' sign, where a squadron of the big brainbots had herded the customers. The DJ was nowhere in sight, but then Gene saw him leap out from under the sound booth, a brainbot snapping at his legs and driving him towards the group huddled against the wall.
He finally spotted Mitzi, his girlfriend and club manager, at the bar. He rushed over to her at a speed just under a gallop and grabbed her arm. "Mitzi, what-"
"He didn't pay the cover charge!" she whispered.
Gene looked at her in astonishment. "That's your biggest worry?" The blood rushed out of his face. "You mean...you sent Vinnie to collect?"
"Of course not!" she snapped. "What do you think, I'm stupid? Him and Roscoe did it themselves!" If she'd known what those idiot bouncers were up to, she would've told them to just let Megamind come in and leave him alone. The way he'd entered, it was pretty clear he wasn't there to enjoy the show. Especially, she thought with a sinking feeling, with the sort of show they were currently putting on.
Megamind stalked across the room, coming straight for them, stepping firmly on the groaning Vinnie's fingers as he passed. The ruckus of the excited brainbots and the babble of voices became fuzzy and distant. People were complaining about their cell phones going dead. Gene felt the bar pressing into the small of his back. Mitzi squeaked, and he realized he was crushing her arm and he let go.
Megamind stopped in front of them and gave them a hard look. "My money's no good here. I'm sure you understand." Megamind managed to look down his nose at him, even though Gene was a good half foot taller and Gene felt his shoulders curl in on themselves as his body unconsciously tried to make itself a smaller target.
"You are Gene Dibble, the owner of this establishment," Megamind said.
Slowly Gene nodded, as if making careful movements would somehow improve the situation. He made a gesture toward the cash register at the bar, in the vague hope that this was just a robbery. Some distant part of himself was amazed at the hope that it was "just" a robbery.
"All the money in the till, it's..."
"Come with me," Megamind said. With a sweep of the cape, he strode toward the back of the room.
Mitzi smacked Gene in the chest. "Straighten up! What's the matter with you!" she hissed.
He whispered fiercely in her ear. "Get back there and tell Lloyd to shower off! Hide Candy's wig!" Mitzi's mouth twisted and Gene just knew she was going to complain that she was the manager, not some go-fer, but he didn't have time for her whining. "Just do it!" he snapped and gave her a little shove to get her moving.
Against the back wall Minion brushed off a chair and Megamind took the seat. Crossing one leg over the other he impatiently crooked his hand at Gene. Minion stood behind his master's shoulder and crossed his arms over his chest. Swallowing, Gene forced his legs to move forward. It seemed to take an incredibly long time to cross the distance. Standing in front of the table, he felt like he was in the principal's office again, though with a lot more to worry about than getting detention.
Megamind opened his mouth, then glared at the table where his elbow rested. With a look of distaste he lifted his arm, the elbow coming away with a faint velcro noise.
"First of all, I shall require you to send someone to hose off this table," he said. "It's rather sticky. With what, I would not like to hazard a guess."
Gene grimaced. "Yeah, yeah, sure. Um. Should I...send out the next...girl?" he said hesitantly. "Only your robots have my DJ over against the wall...they're gonna need music."
"No, there is only one act I am interested in seeing," Megamind said, picking a speck of lint off his leg. "I'm sure you know which one. Your 'Damsel's Rev-ahnge' skit. You may give the rest of your performers the night off, though they are not to leave the premises, I'm afraid."
"It's been canceled!" Gene forced out of his constricted throat. "They're... sick."
"What, both of them?" Megamind said, raising an eyebrow. "Come here, 718." A brainbot swung low with an eager bowg. "Video feed from 23."
A projection came out of the brainbot and formed a rectangular screen in the air. One half of the screen showed Lloyd struggling into his street clothes and scrubbing at the blue make-up on his face with a wet wipe. Gene was impressed. He wouldn't have guessed that Lloyd had the smarts to realize what was going on. The other half of the screen showed Candy pacing around with her arms crossed. Two of the other girls were standing in her room also, and appeared to be trying to calm her down.
Mitzi, he noticed with annoyance, was nowhere in sight.
"They don't look sick to me," Megamind said. Waving his hand, the projection disappeared. "I acknowledge the confusion my entrance must have caused, but security is rather important to someone in my position, you understand," he said, pretending to examine his fingernails. "So I will give you ten minutes to get everything in order and to start the show. Later we can discuss payment."
"Payment?" Gene said weakly.
"Yes, for the security I am providing while I am on the premises," Megamind said. "And I'm afraid I don't come cheap. Ah." The brainbots dropped a small assortment of firearms onto the table with a clatter.
"Hmm." Megamind pursed his lips and picked up a handgun from the pile. He shook his head. "All obtained from your customers, Gene." Gene jumped when a sawed-off shotgun crashed onto the table. "Though I believe this one came from the back office?" he said, turning to look at Minion.
"From behind the bar, I think, Sir."
Megamind pulled back the slide on top of the handgun, looked inside it, and closed it again with a click. "Well, it's a good thing I'm here, then," he said, giving Gene an evil grin. "That way you can relax and leave everything to me."
He aimed and fired. The bartender hit the floor as a light fixture on the wall over the bar shattered, sparked, and winked out.
"Pulls to the left," Megamind said, tossing it back with the others. He began to lean on the table again then hung one arm over the back of the chair instead as Gene slowly emerged from a half crouch.
"Ten minutes," Megamind said, voice hard. "I expect them to be in costume, in full make-up, so I will know exactly what has everyone so excited. I insist."
Gene fled. As he approached the hallway that led to the dressing rooms he heard Megamind's delighted voice call out, "Oh look, Minion! It's Lieutenant William Stafford of the Metrocity police department." Gene winced and glanced over his shoulder. A man in a hooded sweatshirt and dark glasses tried to shuffle a little further back behind the other patrons huddled against the wall.
"Hi, Lieutenant!" Megamind said, voice reaching every corner of the room. "How's the wife? And here's a fashion tip, you don't really need to wear sunglasses at night."
Gene found Lloyd pacing by the back door, streaks of blue still visible on his face.
The big, stolid brainbots had gotten there first. They hovered in front of the exit, only their single red eyes moving, watching their every move. A low rumble vibrated from them as if they were growling.
"I can't get out," Lloyd moaned, rocking back and forth. A few of the little brainbots, who were starting to look like puppies next to the hulking ones, darted around excitedly.
Gene grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back into his dressing room. Lloyd babbled, "Maybe I can shower off, I can..."
"No!" Gene snapped, jabbing a finger at him. "You and Candy gotta get out there and do the show!"
Lloyd goggled at him. "What are you crazy? He'll kill me!"
"You got to! He insists!" he couldn't help adding with a sneer. He looked around guiltily. That robot out there had shown the inside of Lloyd's dressing room but there weren't any brainbots around now. Maybe there was a camera somewhere. Did it have audio, too?
"I'll bet he's got the stage wired," Lloyd moaned. "I'll step on it, then BOOM!"
Gene hesitated. Things had been pretty confused, but he didn't think the brainbots had been planting explosives. "No, I...don't think so," he said uncertainly. "I mean, he's sitting right there in the back. He's not gonna blow himself up, is he? Use your head!"
He grabbed Lloyd's shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. "Maybe he's just curious. Maybe he needed a night off from terrorizin' the city, so he comes here. Got to be a lot of work, all the terrorizin', tryin' to kill Metro Man. Yeah," he said, turning his head a little and raising his voice so he could be picked up by any possible mics, "The man probably works pretty hard, he deserves a night off!"
Lloyd's eyes darted around uncertainly. "Who are you talking to?" he said.
"It's no big deal," Gene said, turning to Lloyd again, oily persuasion oozing from his voice. Lloyd trembled and opened his mouth but Gene headed him off.
"It's one of them coincidences, that's what it is," he said briskly. "Just do your thing, and everything's gonna be fine." He smiled and patted Lloyd's cheek. Pulling his hand back, he looked at it and wiped it on his shirt, leaving a streak of blue.
"And fix your make-up."