Just a oneshot that was inspired by a random thought during a 'talk' in college. Be warned there is randomness, I own nothing if i did Bleach would be dangerous :) Enjoy The 'Secret' Meeting
A meeting was called. All the Captains and Lieutenants had been summoned to main meeting room where the Head Captain was stood right in the middle. Every squad was required to appear for this secret meeting, although Unohana was stood with a rather scary smile on her face as everyone filed in. Silence filled the room as no one spoke, the Head Captain just stood right in the middle with his eyes closed. The air seemed to vibrate with tension as no one dared moved, until Mayuri finally snapped and shouted.
"Is someone going to enlighten their pitiful existence and say why we are all here?"
The Head Captain's answer was to open his eyes and look straight at the 12th Captain. Very slowly he cast his eyes over each squad, then suddenly he spoke.
"You are very impatient Captain Kurotsuchi, yet I will tell you all why you are here. It is every generation I do this for the younger members of our squads, a few of you will remember this but I require you to stay anyway."
He looked pointedly at Jūshirō Ukitake and Shunsui Kyōraku as he spoke, especially when a certain pink kimono-wearing Captain rolled his eyes and pouted slightly at Jūshirō. The white haired Captain's only answer was to dig his slender elbow into Shunsui's side, smiling all the while. Unohana quietly walked to the Head Captain's side and handed him a number of small, square shaped packets.
"To start this off, any of the younger members know what one of these are?"
He held a single packet up and let them all look. Renji suddenly went as bright crimson as his hair that caused Byakuya to raise a cold eyebrow in question at his Lieutenant's strange behaviour. Shuuhei also reacted but he turned away and had to smother his laughter at the sight of the old man holding a condom packet. Then his laughter died when the real horror came over him, now he knew what this 'secret' meeting was all about and he really didn't want to be in it.
"I take it no one is going to offer any answers, so I will tell you. This a very useful invention from the human world, it is called a condom and used during sex."
Mayuri choose that moment to open his foul mouth again and interrupt the Head Captain's explanation.
"How could that tiny thing be any use in sex, I for one would need a much bigger size."
"Well that is where you are ignorant of a condoms purpose. This is only the packet and as you seem so keen to prove yourself you can demonstrate, come up here."
The Head Captain smiled as he answered and beckoned to the foolish Captain, he ignored the grinning faces of Shunsui and Jūshirō as Mayuri move to stand beside him in the middle of the room.
"Now drop your pants Captain."
The look on Mayuri's face was priceless as the usually mocking Captain looked at the old man in complete surprise and incomprehension.
"What?"
"I told you, you are demonstrating so drop your pants and open the packet Captain."
The old man then proceeded to open the packet and show the shocked 12th Captain how to use the condom. There was no escaping, all eyes were on him as he resignedly dropped his pants and tried to roll the thing onto himself. Of course he failed completely and neither older Captains could hold in their laughter as the evil tormenting Captain looked like he wanted to dig his own grave. Unohana went around and handed more little packets to every Captain and Lieutenant in the room.
"You are all going to practise putting a condom on each other, to make this easier you are going to do this in Captain and Vice pairs. The pair to successfully put one on each other fastest gets a week in the human world on vacation, the only ones to win since I started this have been Squad Six thanks to the Kuchiki family."
That little bit of information galvanised every pair into action until Kenpachi decided to have a little fun with Byakuya.
"Hey Kuchiki, you not gonna join in with us mortals, then again you never were man enough were you."
Byakuya reached for Senbonzakura quicker than the normal human eye could see but a larger hand stopped him just in time. Those dark stormy eyes glared up coldly at the owner of the hand, Renji started imploringly at his Captain and drooped his gaze to his pants in silent question. The 6th Captain growled under his breath but undid his pants and allowed his Lieutenant to practise putting a condom on someone else but Renji being Renji couldn't get it right the first time. Nope he managed to almost rip the whole thing in half when opening it, and then he tried to put it on backwards before he finally got the idea and got it right. Byakuya almost rolled his eyes at several points but only his good breeding stopped him. Now him being the perfect specimen he was got it right the first time much to Renji's embarrassment and secret enjoyment.
Once everyone had succeeded in varying degrees of correctness the old man called out the winners of the 'condom competition'.
"The winning pair is for once not Squad Six but Squad Ten. You now have a full week's vacation in the human world starting today, enjoy. Now this does not leave this room, I trust you will put your new skills to use. This meeting is now dismissed."
Everyone filed out of the room with different expressions on their faces, ranging from secret smiles to rather white terror. By the end of the day there were a few incidents in Squad Eleven that were never going to be repeated and there were rumours that Toushiro came back actually smiling from his week away, while Rangiku was white and shaking muttering something about walking in to the wrong room and way too much information on Ichigo.