The Akatsuki Fangirl Guide
A word from the editor:
To ensure you fully understand the text our "dear" editor has included her comments in parenthesis.
Greetings, fellow fangirls and boys. This is a guide made especially for you. Its purpose is to inform you of some things that you should know about the Akatsuki and prevent you from making some very damaging (lethal) mistakes.
You may find that you desire more information than what is available in this guide. If this is the case you can all blame our dear friend and co-worker, Jean. Jean was in charge of not only gathering information for us (like the ever important answer to the boxers or briefs question) but she was also supposed to get never before seen pictures of the Akatsuki. However, Jean failed at this mission.
After two weeks of no contact with her it was the decision of our "Counsel of Fans" to track her down and demand answers. Regretfully we did not find her. However, we did find her shoe (with her foot still inside and signs of gnawing on it). The Counsel still has high hopes that she will be found and that a new edition of this guide will be released.
We are aware that the Akatsuki is an S-class criminal organization that may come after us for creating this guide for you; it is because of this The Guide has been organized minimally.
We also admit that we do not own the Akatsuki or any other characters from Naruto or even Naruto the series/ franchise. (This saddness most fans but I'll admit that the kind of things that would happen if we owned them might have caused the world, or at least some haters, to explode and so it's best we admire, or stalk, them from a far. DISCLAIMED!)
B.N. Black
The Akatsuki Fangirl Guide
The Members:
All the members are sexy/hot. Don't say otherwise. If their fangirls don't get you, they will.
Nail polish is part of the uniform not necessarily a sign of homosexuality. (True die hard fans can use nail polish chips to help them discover which Akatsuki member was present and where they went if they're radar is not working.)
The Akatsuki could completely destroy Clucky.
All the members are attractive and have to follow all orders given to them (with varying levels of rebellion and back talk [swearing]). However all their missions required ninja skills, not skills in bed.
AKA: Pein and Madara are not pims.
Kakazu is… but (sadly) none of the members are working for him.
Konan is not a slut. She is not sleeping with all the Akatsuki. (She may be with Pain/Pein/Nagato. (?))
It is not considered a threesome, foursome, exec… if all of Pein's bodies are involved. It's still the same person. (Same goes with clones.)
Kisame's mother/father was not a fish. (If s/he was than he is in denial.)
Yes, the Uchiha clan was breed for sexiness. All members are inhumanly beautiful (And apparently are often mistaken for vampires. We have no idea why that would happen. It's not like they're silent, powerful, dark, emotionless, and their eyes turn red when they're hungry…we mean angry.) Bow down and worship them. (At least when their fan clubs around. They're vicious.)
Trying to kill you is not a sign of their everlasting love for you. (The only exception being Itachi and you should really convince him to give you flowers or something instead.)
"Fangirl" is like a swear word that even Hidan would not use. (Yes, it's that bad.)
Tobi is really Madara not Obito or Madara in Obito's body or anything like that.
Madara and Tobi are like 2 different people. One may want to play ball with you the other would like to play with your mind, in harmful ways.
Madara is like a 100 years old (give or take a few years). He does have wrinkles but he does not smell like old people.
Neither Deidara nor Itachi has ever cross dressed. The only member who has (and we can prove it) is Kisame and you don't want to know anything more than that.
Members will fight to the death over having to do dishes. This is how Kakazu's previous partners died. He really hates dishes and thieves. (Only if they're not working for him.)
Certain things are not art:
The memory of a civilian in a way too small bathing suit.
A tattoo on "none of your business" of "what are you talking about."
We are unsure if Sasori kept certain body parts or if he has some very interesting weapons. (We'd tell you to ask Rin but Sasori now controls her.)
Sasori isn't affected by teenage hormones, unless they manifest as psychopathic killing urges.
Some members are older than they appear. Don't treat them as if they are that age but keep in mind they aren't senile either.
Don't ask any member if they've forgotten their meds today. They're perfectly capable of remembering them. They just don't want to.
Kisame won't teach you how to swim.
Kisame is not a lifeguard. (He's more likely to drown you himself.)
Tsukuyomi is a very demanding battle technique that allows Itachi to take your mind to an illusionary world of his creation where he can do anything he wants to you. Itachi only uses this to torture people. (Don't ask for him to do anything else with it.)
"Sasori no Danna" is roughly translated into Master Sasori, as in someone who knows a lot about art. It doesn't imply a master/slave relationship or S/M. Even if it did Deidara isn't necessarily the uke. (The last statement is questionable.)
Once again we would like to remind you that Deidara's hand mouths are only used for art. (Some lemons say otherwise.)
Referring to sex as art is disrespectful and mock both art and artists. If you do this you will be made into "true art." (Both Deidara and Sasori [artists] are exempt from this.)
Pinocchio jokes are forbidden.
What Sasori does or doesn't do with his puppets is his own business.
Akatsuki members are not rapists. (You can't rape the willing.)
Deidara really is a man.
Deidara has the most fanboys. (Some of these poor souls refuse to believe that he is a man.)
Zetsu was not one of Orochimaru's experiments.
Zetsu may be relayed to Audrey 2. (If you're lost Audrey 2 is the mean green mother from outer space.)
Zetsu has really good manners. He won't play with you, aka his food.
The only memento Itachi has from Konoha (other than his headband) is a rape whistle which his mother gave him to help with his problem (fangirls). He still uses that whistle some days more than 25 times.
There still is a branch of the Itachi fangirls in Konoha.
Itachis' eyes are dangerous, not pretty.
Itachi does not have any of Sasukes baby pictures. (He did at one time but Orochimaru took them with him. That's why Itachi tortured him instead of blowing his rape whistle when Orochimaru said he was going to tale Itachis' body.)
Sasuke once raided an Itachi fangirl base for info. (Thankfully all of them had escaped into the tunnels and got everything he did on camera, which they refuse to share.)
Yes, Kisames' and Zetsus' teeth are as sharp as they look. (Go ahead try to prove us wrong. Just remember that we are not responsible for your crazy ideas.)
Deidara does have two eyes. (He is also not a pirate.)
Zetsu does occasionally put his leftovers in the fridge because of this all other members have mini-fridges in their rooms.
The Akatsuki can totally take on Clucky. (Watch the abridged series, not the shippuden version, and you'll understand this.)
Akatsuki game nights have been banned.
Not all members drink alcohol. Some can't get drunk (Sasori). Some are forbidden to (Hidan, for many reasons). Some consider it a waste of money (This is obvious). Some prefer to wait until the others are experiencing their hangovers and then blowing stuff up. ("It's fun-un.")
It's not a speech impediment (un).
Caffeine is more precious than the jinjuriki. If one is staying in the same hotel as you and is enjoying the complimentary breakfast down stairs, it doesn't matter if you'll blow your cover or not. Go get that coffee! (Official Akatsuki rule.)
Zetsu does put some blood in his coffee (with three spoonfuls of sugar and no milk). Hidan had been forbidden from doing this.
Zetsu is the official fangirl repeller of the Akatsuki.
Zetsu was recruited by fangirls.
Kakazu does have to stitch every body part back on. He does not have to put them on correctly. (Don't piss him off.)
The Lair:
The Akatsuki lair is a like a typical bachelor except that some of the objects lying around on the ground can kill you.
In the Village Hidden in the Rain it rains like all the time. Don't wear white you will get wet.
All bases have anti-fangirl/boy security systems.
Dos and Don'ts:
Fangirls are considered everything from nuisances to helpful minions
The Akatsuki can contact fangirls and ask (command) them to assists them (become their minions).
Remember: The Akatsuki is an evil organization. All the members are extremely strong criminals and have been for many years. In conclusion, all their problems can't be solved with a hug.
Tobi is not a lollipop; you can't lick him.
When Itachi licks his lips, smirks, and says he's going to eat you, you'll probably be ok with that. (Giggle)
When Zetsu licks his lips, smirks, and says he's going to eat you, you should start running.
We're not sure what you should do if Kisame does that.
Deidara's hands are a fascinating feature. They're used to make things explode. So you shouldn't stick things in them. No gum, no bouncy balls, and certainly no fingers.
Sasori can't feel anything. (He's made of wood, if you didn't know that already.) However, this doesn't mean that you should write things on him. (Property of _. Don't touch.)
Don't drool on Akatsuki members. They don't find it to be cute, endearing, sexy, exec… Although Kisame may need to be in water for certain amounts of time. (Saliva is made of water and icky stuff...)
Cosplaying as an Akatsuki member is not a good way to sneak into their base.
You will not ask any member if it's their "time of the month" because they have bad temper. (Surprisingly Konan takes this best. She just rants and attempts to kill whoever came up with the phrase "Have a happy period." In other words she tries to kill someone else; other members try and kill you.)
Don't offer to help Hidan with his rituals. He only needs one other person and that position is not one you want.
They're ninja people. They have good senses and they know when you are coming. Only if you become a powerful ninja fangirl can you glomp them and not a log (and survive too ).
Be aware of fangirl conflicts. If the characters hate each other they may kill each other. This puts you in a very awkward position.
For example: fangirling Itachi, Sasuke, and Deidara is difficult.
Fangirling Itachi, Kisame, and Light is no problem.
You can't walk up to a member of the Akatsuki and pledge your eternal love for them. You can pledge your loyalty to them and become a minion but you remember how that turns out. (They get to become members if only for a short while.)
Don't mess up the nails.
Don't mess with any beauty products. Especially not the hair care ones. (Fellow fans will kill you for throwing of their sexiness.)
You aren't allowed to play with Peins or Konans piercings.
Magnets are allowed in the base but not in the same room as Pein.
This means there are either no magnets on the fridge or you have to remove them from the room before Pein comes for his coffee. It doesn't matter if he wakes up at ungodly hours or if he suddenly enters the room without warning. "It's your fault for wanting the magnets anyway." (Direct quote from Pein, the swear words were removed)
It's always your fault. The Akatsuki are always right. Don't argue. (Trust us on this one.)
If it is your day to do the chores you do them and be grateful they're letting you help in any way you can.
Especially for Yaoi fangirls:
Sexy no Jutsu doesn't really change their gender. Think of it as an illusion. (Easiest explanation)
Men and Women don't have the same exact internal or external body parts.
No matter how totally awesome the Akatsuki are they can't bend the rules of nature. (That's Sasuke's job.)
The Akatsuki can't have kids with each other. (Konan pairings being the only exception.)
Just because they're partners in crime doesn't mean they're partners in bed.
Attempting to kill each other is not a sign of sexual frustration.
Never ever make any comments about a member being gay unless you're absolutely sure they are or you have a death wish.
Unanswered Questions:
Does Sasori have finger prints?
Who were Kisames' and Zetsu's parents?
How do we get to the Naruto world?
When will the next Naruto Abridged come out?
Why do all my favorite characters die?