A/N: This little os goes out to Tomiko, who shot ideas back and forth with me. Props to her, she's the sweetest!
Tag to episode 4x14 (aka my death date)
~oOo~
The last thing she wanted to do right now was go home. Back to the empty, cold of her condo where she would sit in solitude and think about him. She hadn't moved from her chair for almost an hour now, her posture just as rigid as it had been to begin with. Sharon Raydor refused to show weakness.
"Captain," Provenza catches her attention as he comes to stand in front of her, "I think it's about time for you to go home."
"No." She doesn't look at him but continues staring straight ahead just as she had before, "I'm not leaving him."
"You need to get some rest so that when ," he emphasises, "this whole ordeal is over you'll be able to help him recover."
"I'm not leaving him. I can't." Her jade eyes were misting again, and Provenza wasn't sure he could handle another round of Raydor Tears. Something about them just tore him up inside.
"Let Rusty take you home and I'll stop by later with dinner."
"No." He wondered if he had ever seen her this stoic before.
"Okay, fine." He grumbles and walks over to Andrea, whispering in her ear before stomping down the corridor Andy had been taken down.
"Sharon, how are you doing?" The blonde asks, sitting down next to her friend, "Talk to me please?" She asked unsurely.
"I care about him too much to lose him Andrea. If he doesn't… I don't know if I could…" Her voice was unwavering as Andrea wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her into an embrace, "I love him Andrea, and he could die not knowing that. How am I supposed to live with myself?"
"He's going to be fine. You know better than the rest of us how stubborn he is, how strong he is."
"I didn't want him to know." Sharon breathes out sadly, "I didn't want him to know I love him but now it's all I can think about."
At that moment Provenza shuffled back through the double doors, two papers in hand. He walked over and gave one to Rusty, emphasising something with a finger wag before coming to stop in front of Sharon and Andrea, "They were still prepping him for surgery. Here, this is from him since you won't listen to me." He thrusts the paper into her hands and watches as her expression softens:
Sweetheart-
Please go home and get some rest. I'll be here when you wake up, and you need to take care of yourself.
See you soon,
Andy
P.s. Bringing thanksgiving to me was the sweetest thing anyone's ever done.
"Will you go now?" Provenza asks sarcastically, his hands coming up in his typical annoyed fashion, "Since he told you to?"
She was choked up, just nodded, pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, and walked out of the hospital, Rusty following worriedly behind.
~oOo~
"Mom, I'm worried about you." Rusty glanced over at her nervously as he drove back to the condo, "He scared the hell out of me too okay, but he's okay. He's gonna be okay."
"I could have driven." She argued, just as she had when they left the hospital, "You're being ridiculous."
"No, I'm caring." Rusty corrected her, "Just try and relax."
"I am relaxed." She tried as they pulled up outside of the complex, "I am just fine."
"Come on, let's get you upstairs and get you some food." He coaxed, one arm strategically placed behind her back to catch her if she crumbled.
~oOo~
The light weight of the paper in his shirt pocket served as a reminder to Rusty to take care of
Sharon and to give her that paper when she calmed down.
How long would it be until she calmed down? He didn't know, but he hoped Andy's secret spaghetti recipe would do the trick.
Coming into the condo and flipping on the lights, both Sharon and Rusty head to their respective bedrooms to change clothes. He wasn't sure he could stand being covered in Andy's blood for another minute.
Taking the paper out of his pocket and sitting it on the desk, he contemplates opening it. What could it be, anyway? Just as he started to unfold the paper, he heard a shriek and yet another sickening thud. Sharon .
Rusty flung his bedroom door open and rushed across the hall to find Sharon kneeling on the bathroom floor, her hands covering her face as she cried, "There's so much blood Rusty. There's so much blood."
"Sharon, come here." He cooed, gently rubbing her shoulder in the hopes of getting her off of the floor, "Let me clean it up. This is the last thing you need right now."
"I love him." She lets out a nearly inaudible whisper, "He's going to die without knowing that. How could I have let this happen?" She bursts into another fit of tears and Rusty sits on the floor beside her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and pulling her into his chest, "I'm so stupid! " She yelled.
"You're not stupid Sharon." He assured her, running a hand through her hair as she cried, "And… Andy's not going to die." The words caught in his throat almost as if he didn't believe them himself, "He's not going to leave us ."
"I love him too much to lose him." She sobs, her nails digging into the red fabric of his sweatshirt, "I don't know what I'll do if…" She didn't dare to finish the thought.
"Can you come out to the living room?" Rusty questions, wanting more than anything to get her out of there, "I started some tea for you when we got home."
"Uh… Okay." She nods her head lightly, pulling her lips into her mouth to keep from gasping for air, "Thank you."
~oOo~
She was silent again. That gave Rusty an indication of how deeply upset she was. He had once heard her say that if she was truly unhappy about something, no one would have to ask, but she was far from verbally distressed at the moment. How could he comfort her? There was only so much he could do. He didn't want to lose Andy either, despite how much he had first disliked the idea of he and Sharon dating. Now, he couldn't imagine not having Andy around for dinner or their movie nights. If it was taking this big a toll on him, he couldn't even begin to imagine how Sharon was feeling.
Sitting her tea mug down on the end table, he sits down on the sofa beside her. Rusty noticed she was wearing one of Andy's shirts, the long sleeves covering her face as she inhaled deeply. She must've gone and gotten it while he was fixing the tea. This was killing her.
"Sharon, come here." He cooed, opening his arms to which she gratefully accepted. She began crying once more, her body gently heaving with sobs as her thoughts ran rampant. He had never seen Sharon like this. Ever. Not even when Stroh was trying to kill them had she broken down like this.
"I'm sorry." She manages to choke out between gulps of air, "You shouldn't be… Taking care of me… like this."
"Mom, it's okay." He assured her, hoping that hearing him call her that would calm her slightly.
It did the exact opposite.
Sharon began crying even harder despite Rusty's attempts to soothe her. And then it occurred to him: The first time he had called Sharon 'mom' was while she was FaceTiming Andy.
When she had finally cried herself out, Sharon pushed herself up out of Rusty's arms and took off her glasses, cleaning them off with her shirt before wiping her eyes, "I'm sorry you had to see me like that. Good night, I love you." She leaned in and pressed a kiss to his temple, "I'll see you tomorrow." Sharon started off down the hallway when Rusty ran up behind her, tugging on her arm to get her attention.
"Sharon, wait a second." He said before running into his room and returning with the piece of paper Louie had given him earlier that day, "Andy asked Lieutenant Provenza to ask me to give this to you once you calmed down a bit."
He hands her the paper, watching intently as her face softened and she looked as if she were going to cry yet again, "What is it?"
"I don't know. He just asked me to give it to you. Are you going to be okay or do you want me to be there with you when you read it?"
"I'll be alright Sweetheart, thank you." She replies sincerely, enveloping him in a side hug, "I'll be gone before you get up tomorrow morning, sleep tight."
"Take me with you." He said, seemingly out of nowhere, "When you go to see Andy, I want to go too."
"I'll get you before I leave then." She offered a weak half smile, "I love you Rusty."
"I love you too Mom."
~oOo~
She had been sitting on her bed, just holding the paper for almost half an hour now. She wasn't sure she wanted to open it. She knew exactly what it was, and that's what scared her. She remembered when he had gotten stabbed he had written to Nicole and begged that it got to her if he didn't make it. Now she knew what it felt like to be on the receiving end of one of these deathbed letters , and it horrified her. It horrified her not knowing if Andy would make it out of this or not, or if she would ever get to tell him she loved him (or find out if he loved her, for that matter.)
Letting out a deep breath, she unfolds the paper with shaking hands. Andy's small script staring back at her was almost enough to make her cry again almost . She was going to read it, she had to, she just had to.
Closing her eyes and letting out another deep breath, she prepares herself for what the contents of the letter might be. God, did she hate the suspense. When she opened her eyes again, she forced herself to read the letter:
My Love-
I'm so sorry. If you're reading this, that means I didn't make it. That means I never got to tell you I love you. The past few years getting to know you, becoming your friend, they were great. But these past few months with you, they were the best of my life. I don't know why I never told you. Maybe I was afraid to say it in case things didn't work out. I guess when it all came down to it, I didn't want to regret telling you I love you. I didn't want to regret opening myself up to you and loving you if it all came crashing down. I think now, my biggest regret is not telling you how I felt. Just being able to say it once before this happened, I would've given anything for that. I would give anything to hold you in my arms and kiss you and never stop loving you. Wherever I ended up, know I'm never going to stop loving you. Please keep your head up, Beautiful. It's going to be hard, but I need you to move on. To grieve, to mourn, and then to find happiness again. I know Nicole and the kids would love to see you more often, could you spoil them for me? And Rusty, don't ever let him forget how much I cared about him. He was my second chance at being a father, and I'm sorry to have left all of you this way. I know it's a lot to ask, but I need you to try and be happy Sharon. More than anything I want you to be happy, even in my absence. I'll never forget you, never. I love you so much, I just wish I had the guts to tell you.
When you stand on your balcony in the darkness of night and stare up at the stars, know I'm there looking down on you, and that each breeze that chills your skin is me whispering my love to you.
Keep your head up, Love. Pick yourself up just like you have time and time before. I know you'll be able to, you're the strongest person I've ever met.
I love you
Andy
Tears were spilling from her eyes as she stared at the letter, tiny droplets rolling down her cheeks and falling to the paper. He loved her too . That surprised her for some reason, that they found themselves both caught in the same predicament. Both in love, yet never expressing it until it was too late.
Only it wasn't too late . Andy was still alive , still very much alive. And the next morning when she went to the hospital, Sharon would tell him exactly how she felt. She was done leaving things unsaid. She was done locking her emotions down. She was very much in love with Andy Flynn, and when she saw him next she was never going to let him go. She would wrap her arms around him and kiss him until the world ended.
She would show him just how much he meant to her.