Happy Birthday, Cin!
Thanks Shan for the beta.
Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave?
You've Got Mail
The mail on DiNozzo's table is piling up. The housekeeper separated the bills from the junk ads – but there is one that sits alone. He stares at it, knowing who it's from by squiggly letters spelling out his name. He picks it up and examines it as if its going to open and read itself. He puts it back on the table and opens his bills. After the distraction of spending money wears off, Tony picks up the letter again.
He's not prepared to read this letter, normally he's excited for mail but Tony has seen the movies. Letters in the mail signify something big. It's usually at this point, the voice of person who composed the letter is reading it. In most letters, it talks about regret, lost love, or the process of learning to love again. Or the worst option, the addressee discovers the letter after the writer has deceased. The movies skew reality. Maybe she's writing to let him know she finally watched movies on DiNozzo's Top 100 List – doubtful, yet the exact reason he hasn't opened the letter.
He goes to bed in hopes it will quell his thoughts about the contents of the letter. It's sitting atop his alarm clock. Taunting him.
He leaves for the office with the letter in his pocket. He feels like it's burning a hole in the chest. Even getting his morning cup of coffee, he accidentally ordered two – like he would do if she was still here – the barista doesn't think anything of it. He stands outside and gulps the hot coffee so no one can comment when he walks into the bullpen and ask questions of why he needs two coffees. When he strolls through the door, McGee remarks, "You're being weird."
For a moment, he wonders if McGee saw him at the coffee shop. No, that can't be it. He looks down and straightens his tie not because he's nervous but for a quick check hoping no coffee spilled. "You don't know that. I just got here."
"You are usually weird but this Tony, is different."
Tony rubs his temples, "Nothing. Let it go."
"Yeah, that's not going to happen." McGee retorts
Of course, that's the moment Gibbs walks into the bullpen armed with his second or maybe, third cup of coffee, "What's not going to happen?"
"Me sitting here while there's a case." Tony just wanted to let this entire conversation dissipate.
"Good, let's go" Gibbs hold up the keys to the Charger as he saunters toward the elevator. McGee and Tony still bicker as the doors close. Gibbs hand rises up and curtly hits DiNozzo's head. He ignores it and continues to egg on McGee. "Elf Lord, you're next."
At the crime scene, McGee is pontificating, "Why do you keep touching your heart? Are you dying?"
"What? What are you babbling about? No, McSnoop I'm not dying. . .Timmy, pictures aren't going to take themselves."
He leaves McGee in search of Ducky, he will distract him with some tales of yesteryear. He wishes he had taken the day off yet he would go crazy sitting at home thinking about the exact same thing. He will figure it out. Not today, not tomorrow. Maybe someday.
He puts in a 12 hour day and decides to call it a night. He heads home, the letter by his heart. He continues to leave the letter by his bedside for the next week. He needs to get his head in the game. He can't remember a time he was so distracted.
He sits up in his single bed, quipping about Ziva staying there and remarking that is apartment, especially his bed was not something she expected. Tony wishes he invited her over during there time as partners. He was afraid to reveal himself fully to her. In hindsight, it's probably what they both needed.
He slowly rips the top exposing a handwritten letter. He clears his throat. He starts to read the letters scribed to him.
Dearest Tony,
Let me start first by saying, I have never been alone. Since, I was a little girl I have been pushed and pulled in various directions. (Most of time, I was not asked what my decision would be.) I never questioned who I was to become as an individual. I just wanted to obey my father. That being said, my father was not a kind man – I do not have to reiterate my sentiments to you – but he was my father and I did love him.
I was expected to become a disposable officer, ensuring I followed orders without questions because of this, I have hidden parts of myself. This decision was not an easy one. Stepping back from everything I knew made me realize that I had to separate two parts of myself. I proved to my father that I belonged in Mossad as well as NCIS - not just because of who he was but because I accomplished it myself.
Tony, it is because of you I figured out what my life was missing. It was you. Over the last eight years, you continued to prove to me that there was more to life than work. (Yes, I am aware that you work a lot as well and sometimes get lost in it.)
Even at our lowest points, when we lost faith in each other – you never gave up on me. You never gave up, Tony. You have repeatedly proven your strength in every obstacle we have faced. You do not give yourself enough credit. We are broken, Tony, but how we deal with is what means the most. You taught me that.
Watching you climb aboard the airplane was one of the hardest things I had to do. I wanted to scream your name. I wanted to run after you. Instead, I stood there immobile. Do not interpret it as a sign of weakness. The most difficult thing to do is let a person go. I had to let you go, Tony.
Shalom.
"Shalom", he repeats to the empty room. Hello. Goodbye. Peace. One word with so much meaning. He folds the letter back up replaces it into the envelope. As much as he wants to help her through this, there is nothing he can offer her. She has to do this for herself. But Tony knows he'll be there for what decision she makes. He thinks being selfish in this moment is warranted. He wants Ziva by his side – he'll be waiting – however long it takes.
He doesn't remember the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. He realized he was in the middle before he knew it had begun.