Sakata Gintoki did not like being woken up. Especially not by Kagura bursting into the room with Kondo Isao, Hjikata Toushirou and Okito Sougo dragging behind her.
Shinpachi wasn't terribly pleased either, but no one cared.
"Oi, Kagura, why'd you bring the Shinsengumi here?" Gin asked warily.
She beamed. "Because we have an announcement to make!"
"'We?' Since when do you have a 'we' with them?"
"Since we decided to get married!" She chirped.
A chorus of "EH?!" Filled the room, surprise sounding from both ends. Gintoki placed his hands on Kagura's shoulders solemnly.
"Kagura-chan, I'm usually a full supporter of polygamy, but a woman marrying an entire branch of the military isn't marriage. You've been tricked into sex slavery. I know you're naive, but stupidity does have its limits..."
"Gin-chan, I'm not marrying all of them! Just Sougo-kun!"
Hijikata blanched. "You can't be serious."
Okita smiled at him. "I thought it would be romantic."
Gintoki took his hands off of Kagura's shoulders. "Oh, I see. Well, that's allright then. But remember what I told you about sex trafficking."
"When you get the money up front, you can knock them out and run without wasting time looking for their wallet?"
"Uh, no, not that one."
"Don't bother to feel bad for any pervs who suffer brain damage after I beat them up because they deserved it anyway?"
"No, not that either."
"Um... Oh! If I do somehow get raped, I should contract the muscles in my vagina until I squeeze off their winkie!"
"That's the one."
"What kind of advice have you been giving her?!" Shinpachi demanded.
Kondo turned white. "Is that... Is something like that even possible?"
"I don't know about human women, but I know Kagura can peel a kiwi with hers."
"Kinky," Okita observed.
"How do you know that!?"
Gin shrugged. "It came up in conversation. I don't know how."
"You... Didn't eat the kiwi, did you?" Hijikata asked warily.
"Hell no. I'm not eating any cootch fruit. And I didn't watch either, for the record."
"Uh, regardless of Kagura's... Talents," Kondo interrupted, "The union of our two families is something to be celebrated! Sougo, my son! I'm overjoyed that you have found such a lovely bride! Treat her well!"
"Of course, Father."
Hijikata buried his face in his hands. "You're all idiots."
"Now, Toushi, don't be rude to your brother just because you're jealous of his newfound happiness."
"Of my what?"
"Ah, but Kondo-san, this causes some complications, doesn't it?" Gintoki observed. "Since I'm Kagura andShinpachi's mother, my daughter marrying your son makes Otae your adopted step-sister-in-law. It would be terribly inappropriate for you to continue courting her."
"Adopted? How the hell is my sister adopted when she's the only actual blood relation here? And the step part is wrong alltogether!"
"Yeah, but she doesn't live with me. That makes her adopted."
"No it doesn't!"
Meanwhile, Kondo deliberated. "Well it's true that marrying your adopted step-sister-in-law is a bit unorthodox, but I think a second marriage between our two families would be a good thing! Fostering a second bond between us makes our existing bonds even stronger!"
Gin looked impressed. "Oh, you're right. A second marriage would be good." He turned to Shinpachi. "Shinpachi, you're marrying Hijikata."
"The hell?! I'm not marrying a guy!"
"It's alright- you're close enough to a girl, so you can be the wife. It's fine that way."
"The hell it is!"
"Ah, must be difficult raising two such unruly children by yourself." Kondo said. "I'm impressed."
"Well," Gin started dramatically, "What choice did I have? After their father left to become a left-wind radical terrorist, I had to find some way to take care of the children. was all I could do to avoid selling myself on the streets to pay for dinner. This Yorozuya is our livelihood, and it saved us from difficult it were ever closed, I don't know what I'd do..." He finished with unnecessary flourish.
Kondo was in tears by the end of the speech. The rest of the room looked unimpressed.
"Left-wing radical terrorist? So, now your saying our father is..."
"Ah." Gin confirmed. "It's Zura."
"Oh, what the HELL?"
"So, how did you end up with these... Fine lads?" Gin asked, apparently ignoring Shinpachi in favor of Kondo.
"I found them abandoned by the river and decided to take them in."
"What are we, lost kittens?"
"Of course not! Kittens are much friendlier."
"That's it," Hijikata announced, "I'm outta here."
"Wait! You can't leave now! You have to marry the glasses kid!"
"Yeah. What if Okita and Kagura's marriage doesn't work out? Our family would be torn apart." Gin added.
"That's important considering we decided not to get married after all." Okita said, with Kagura nodding in assent beside him.
"See? Then you need to marry."
"If you two care so much about this family union, why don't you just marry each other?" Shinapchi said logically.
"Marry that gorilla? No way.I heard he's impotent."
Kondo looked as though he had been punched in the nuts.
"But Gin-chan, Shin-chan said he won't marry Toushi-kun and I want a big brother!"
"What am I?!"
"A better one than Shin-chan." Kagura amended.
"Hm... Alright, then. If that's what you want, I'll marry the gorilla. But we're sleeping in separate beds. And in separate rooms. And I'm quitting my job to take care of the children, so you'd better be prepared to work overtime so we earn enough to support all these kids."
"Very well. I'll do my best to honor our marriage and take care of you and our children!" Kondo declared.
"Excellent. Also, just so you know, I intend to cheat on you."
"Unfaithfulness is a deal breaker."
"Damn. Shinpachi, it looks like you're marrying Hijikata after all. Also, now that our marriage is over, I demand Child Support. And Alimony."
"As a man, I'll honor the laws of divorce, even if I couldn't honor our marriage."
"You're... really an idiot, aren't you?"
"Yeah, I am. I should've gotten a pre-nup."