Disclaimer: Neither StarVix or I own Mario, Publisher Clearinghouse Sweepstakes, McDonalds, or Santa Claus. We did, however, invent the Screaming Weevil Pit. (For more information, see the Authors notes at the end of the chapter.)

Ten years ago, when the evil Smithy invaded the Mushroom Kingdom and invaded Bowser's Keep, in order to justify working with his sworn enemy, Mario, Bowser made him an official member of the Koopa Troop. He never bothered to take the effort to erase his name from the Dark Land's reserve membership, and both Bowser and Mario forgot all about it.

Five months ago, or twenty-seven years ago, it could go either way for those involved, Princess Shroob and her ugly big sister invaded the Mushroom Kingdom and the Mario's, in a stunning deviation from character, killed them both. (Granted, they didn't have access to whatever it was that let Bowser return from certain death, but then again, Nintendo didn't need to use them as repeat villains. But I digress.)

Now, the thing about the Shroob sisters was that they were Princesses, and that means that there probably was a King and Queen responsible for their birth. Most people assumed that, like the King and Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom, the King and Queen of the Shroobs were strange, non existent beings that you talked about but knew were a myth, like Santa Claus or McDonald's Customer Service Manager. But unlike the Customer Service Manager, the King and Queen of the Shroobs really did exist, and had spent the last five months (Or twenty-seven years) gathering up their forces for an all-out attack that made the Princesses' invasion look like a friendly, 'How do you do?'

And, even though the Koopas had nothing whatsoever to do with the Shroob's defeat and Bowser had actually tried to help Princess Shroob's ugly big sister, they decided to invade Dark Land first. How's that for gratitude?

For the first time in ten years Bowser called all the troops at Dark Land's disposal into battle. He hadn't needed them all to invade Mushroom Kingdom, don't you see, because the Toads were a race of weenies who couldn't fight if the Princess's safety depended on it. (They'd proved it often enough.)

So Bower's call to duty went out, and Dark Land's computers started printing letters informing reserve members that they were now active members.

This is where our story begins. . .

"Mail call!" chirped Parakarry happily. "Somewhere, someone wants Mario to do something that will endanger the lives of millions, because he never gets a letter otherwise."

Mario's brother, Luigi, gave Parakarry a strange look and muttered something about needing bed rest, then took the letter inside. It was, naturally, addressed to Mario, because nobody bothered to send Luigi anything except the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes, and for some reason they thought his name was 'Main Occupant,' no matter how many times he called them to set the record straight.

Mario was eating pasta, the only thing he ever seems allowed to eat. At least, I've never read about him eating anything else. Except maybe Koopa Tea, which I hear tastes lovely and doesn't actually have Koopa in it. You know, like Hot Dogs. Or Grapes.

The portly plumber paused from his meal and opened his letter, which had no address save one of those Bowser Head things they use whenever they show Bowser's letters on Mario Party. The letter read:

Dear Loser/Girl Loser:

Guess what? It's your lucky day, because I decided you

can get off of your lazy, good for nothing rump and actually

DO something for once. That's right, I'm calling you to active

military service! Report to Bowser's Keep S.T.A.T. or I'll

personally throw you in the Screaming Weevil* pit!

That goes for your Mom, too!

King Koopa (Bowser)

Mario read it. Then he blinked. Then he read it again. Then he blinked some more. Then he read it one more time. Then his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he passed out.

He came too in a bright white place, in a bright white bed, with a bright white IV cable strapped to his wrist. He felt a surge of hope; perhaps he'd had a fatal heart attack and consequentially had avoided Bower's draft. Then Luigi and a doctor came in, and Mario's hopes fell farther than a kid's smile after learning that his Mom was making liver for dinner.

"Mario, I'm so glad you're awake," said a relieved Luigi.

"Luigi, how long have I been unconscious?" asked Mario, clutching onto a last, solitary shred of hope. Perhaps he'd been in a coma for years and had missed the draft that way.

"Um, about fifteen minutes," said Luigi, not realizing he'd unwittingly betrayed his best and only brother.

Mario's eyes teared up and he handed Luigi the letter which was, amazingly, still clutched in his right hand. This was incredible because 1. he'd clutched it unconsciously for fifteen minutes and while in the hospital and 2. Being left-handed, Mario had had the paper in his left hand while he was reading it.

"What's this?" asked Luigi. "A letter from Bowser? What, is he blackmailing you? Threatening your loved ones? Gloating about drinking all your Chuckola Cola?"

"Worse," sobbed Mario. "He's drafting me!"

Luigi looked at Mario. He blinked. He looked at the note. He blinked again. He looked back at Mario. Then his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he passed out.

Ten minutes later when he came to, Luigi whimpered, "Isn't this why we left Brooklyn?"

"Yes," said Mario sadly. "But they say the government always catches up to you in the end." He looked at the paper and sighed. "You know I have to go."

"We could move to BeanBean Kingdom," Luigi argued. "Or Detroit."

Mario shook his head. "It wouldn't work. For one thing, I'm already risking deportation if the U.S. government finds me, and I don't think I could live with the risk of the Screaming Weevil Pit**, too."

Luigi sniffled. "Be careful, Mario," he said.

"Aw, come on, it's Bowser's Koopa Troop," Mario said soothingly as he made his way out the door and to Bowser's Keep. "We'll have lost and I'll be back home in no time."

*StarVix's Author's Note: There are over 60,000 species of Weevil, and interestingly enough, only the Screaming Weevil, found only in Bowser's Screaming Weevil Pit, is carnivorous. The rest are herbivorous, content to give people diseases they leave on the crops they munch on.

Screaming Weevils like to give people diseases, too, but unlike the other 59,999 species of weevil, they are not content to leave it at that. The Screaming Weevil's diet consists of the brains of the people Bowser throws into the pits. They never eat anything else, and some speculate that they only eat brains because Bowser never bothers to throw down any crops for them to munch on.

**Gh43's Author's Note: In the olden days, Koopas would throw in would-be political leaders into the pits to see if they were eligible for leadership. The theory was, the better suited they were, the bigger their brains were, thusly, the longer the weevil's would feast on them. Unfortunately, usually this resulted in death. This meant only morons with little or no brain could become political leaders.

Interestingly enough, the same method is currently in use for determining members of the U.S. Congress.