1. A wild Em appears
It had been three years now, three years of comfort, of happiness and most importantly, of love. You inhale and take in the sweet and musky aroma of the man beside you, the beat of his heart reverberating in a slow and steady rhythm against your ear, the light, an orange haze, shining across the rooftops, casting dark and cutting shadows down the buildings. The world was calm. The city was peaceful.
It had just been a casual day, the sun was spreading it's glowing tendrils of warmth to the Earth but you sat behind the drawn curtains, trying to concentrate on a game of Zelda. It had always been your favourite game, you grew up with it, it had a deep set place in your heart, but today for some reason, you itched for adventure. Perhaps to be like Link himself and travel across Hyrule, you weren't sure what was wrong really, you just needed to get out. And so, after a few more minutes of failed concentration, you get up, pull on some converse and stepped out into the world.
But where should I go? You think to yourself, nowhere really seemed, adventury enough for you. But alas, you took a deep breath of the warm and fragrant summer air before heading off toward the forest.
The dappled light shone through the trees, the green creating a fresh blanket, cocooning you in your thoughts. You climbed a tree and sat among the lowest branches, kicking your legs and listening. The birds, the bugs, the gentle whisper of the trees and rustle of the leaves were an orchestra, beautifully harmonised as if rehearsing for the hundredth time. It wasn't exactly an 'adventure' as it were, but in the peaceful harmony in which you now resided, it didn't matter, in fact, you were just thinking about heading down to the riv-
'Hey there stranger'
You looked down between your knees to see a pair of green eyes and a mop of curly brown hair staring up at you, looking down on that man, you were captivated by his astounding beauty, his features smooth and clear, his voice the perfect pitch and tone that didn't seem out of place in this nature filled world.
'You know, you look very pretty up there, but I bet you'd look even cuter down here' the man looked down as if embarrassed by what he had said but quickly composed himself and flashing a smile, you felt yourself smile back, as if involuntary, you swing down elegantly from the tree, well, at least you hoped it was elegant and turned to face this newcomer
'Hi'
'Hey'
'I'm Pj, it's a pleasure to meet you, and what might you be called?'
'My name's Emily' The corners of your mouth twitched up, you felt comfortable, yet at the same time, self-conscious in this man's presence
'Well, I was just going for a quick stroll in the woods, looking for some monsters you know, I was pretty sure that there was a wallaby bee around here somewhere, but then suddenly, A wild em Appeared and I just had to say hello'
Although the mention of monsters seemed almost comical to you, there was something in this man's voice that suggested excitement, of adventure and more importantly of fun, he seemed almost mad, but then, isn't everybody? And so, for some unknown reason, you joined this man on his quest, down to the river, strolling among the trees, racing in the twilight.
As you sit on the rooftop watching the sunrise, you reminisce on these memories, for if you hadn't gone into the woods that day, where would you be now? You pull the blanket closer around your shoulders before looking up into the piercing green eyes that were wide with awe and radiating mystery, so many untold stories sitting in his head, so many stories that had been shared with you and only you. He wasn't mad or crazy as you had first assumed, he was magnificent. It was as if he saw another world behind those eyes of his, a world where everything shone a little brighter, and loved a little longer and sang a little more in tune, he glances down and the sunlight is reflected in his eyes and you realise that it looks so much nicer in the reflected emerald, and as he leans down to kiss you, you realise how happy you really are.
2. Rain
Rain. Typical.
As you sat in the car, you watched the raindrops forming tracks down the window, snaking their way, racing one another. You would have considered cheering on the one you thought would win but for the simple fact you were excited. It was Saturday, you were on your way to Summer in the City, and you were finally going to meet Luke.
The sky was a downcast grey and the damp pressed against the window, making you feel somewhat hot and claustrophobic, for rain in London in summer is not too short of baking in some sort of underwater hell, it didn't bother you too much however, weather was irrelevant as SITC was being held at Ally Pally, which was luckily indoors.
The queue was horrendous, it snaked all along the side of the building, it must have been a few thousand people long, a great mob, soaking through in the terrible British summer, you cursed yourself for not coming earlier when a voice caught your attention
'ROSA!'
Your turned in the direction of the call, looking but not seeing who had said it, it sounded so familier and yet you couldn't place it-
'Rosa!' You heard again and this time you knew, a tall, somewhat out of breath ginger boy was sprinting toward you, cutting through the crowd and trying to escape the screams of recognition.
It was Luke.
You two had been speaking first over twitter, and then over facebook and then, about two months ago, you had shared your first Skype call with each other, the nerves that you had felt with that first Skype call came back now as you realised this was the first time. The first time seeing him in real life!
'Luke!' You cried as you began to run toward him, arms outstretched, your bodies crashed together and your arms locked around each other, you felt your feel leave the ground as Luke spun you in a small circle, you long hair fanning out, droplets of water running off the ends. He set you down and looked into your eyes, you tried gazing back but you glanced down and felt your cheeks heat up, obvious against your pale face.
'Aww don't be shy, we've known each other for 7 months now you poo' he said while laughing. 'Anyway, this queue is stupid, lets sneak round the back like ninjas'
Sitc had tired you, but instead of heading back to the hotel like you had planned, Luke had invited you as a plus one to the after party. All you really wanted to do was sleep, but alas, not with Luke around. In person he was so much more vibrant than you ever thought possible, over the internet it had almost seemed staged, the constant humour and dirty jokes, but sitting there arm In arm while he introduced you to people, you realised how natural it all really was.
As the party drew to a close, you and Luke sat on the couch, him propped up at the arm and you lying between his legs with his arms wound protectively around you, your back against his chest. You were sinfully comfortable and warm and you felt so safe, huddled into this boy who you had finally met, after the months of internet 'dating'. It felt so surreal, that the boy you had watched fall asleep at night, among the many hours of skype calls, seeing him slip out of consciousness and muttering your name in his slumber, was now here, in real life, you could touch and smell him and it was all perfectly real, not a dream and not a fantasy.
'He Rosa' He mumbled
'Yeah?'
'We haven't kissed yet, I was wondering if you though I was diseased or maybe you saw me in real life and were put right off by the orangness of my hair'
You twist round so you can look up at him
'Of course not, I just… Didn't know… If you wanted too?' You could feel yourself blushing but in the low light you didn't worry yourself with it
'Of course silly!' he said, you could hear his smile through the darkness, and then felt it pressed against your lips, before it slowly turned into synchronised dancing. You leaned into his warmth as he placed hot kisses on your jaw, breathing deeply into your neck, your hands fumbled for his face and you let your fingers lock into his hair, the silkiness heavenly to your touch, and this is how you remained for several minutes, making up for all the lost kisses in the time you had spent apart, that all didn't matter now, and in the heat and the darkness, you realised that this was love.
3. Cuddles and a cold
You were sick.
There was no denying it. It was one of those nasty colds that you woke up with, completely unexpected and completely horrible. You tried to take in a breath through your nose but to no avail and so instead of getting up like you were supposed to, you cocooned yourself further into the blankets and let that warmth try and sooth you. Unfortunately, your curtains had been left open a crack and bright streams of sunlight bounced off the walls, making it considerable too bright to even consider sleeping. You tried burying your head but the stuffiness soon brought that idea to a halt. You lay on your side, facing the window, watching as the dust motes danced among the beams, as if in some perfectly rehearsed practise, nothing seemed out of place with them, they moved independently and as one. You groaned as you came to the realisation you were thinking poetically about dust motes. Of all the things that could be poetic, dust motes was not one you would have considered
'It must be my cold, it's killing my brain' you mutter to yourself before rolling over and shutting your eyes, you really did feel awful. Sleep had just unwound it's many tendrils and found you again, rocking you off into gentle slumber when
BAM
The door flew open and Dan rushed in shaking your shoulders and singing
'Time to wake up! Time to wake up! We're going to town ! We're finally gonna leave the hou- wait, are you okay?'
He looked down at your pale form, bundled in blankets and the sing song happiness was quickly replaced by a look concern. It occurred to you that you must look really ill because Dan is pretty oblivious to these things, you usually had to spell out that you were ill and even then he was sceptical.
'ugh, I woke up with a cold and I feel really sick'
Dan sat down on the edge of the bed and pushed your short brown hair out of your face and looked down at your face, he smiled before standing up and leaving the room with no explanation, just that, 'he'd be back in a minute'
Several minutes later infact, he returned, and in his arms he carried a tray filled with an assortment of things. He climbed into bed with you and rested the tray on his lap, you sat up a little, propped up on pillows, one, so that you could breath and two, to see what he had brought. The tray held a couple of what you assumed for cold tablets, some orange juice, a few pieces of toast and two steaming mugs of Hot Chocolate, you looked up at the younger boy and noticed how the pale tendrils of steam laced around his face and into his hair, the steam catching the light and you were caught off guard by how striking he looked, it was a caring, motherly side to Dan you hadn't seen that often, but you certainly weren't about to complain. He snuggled down next to you before handing you the pills which you took with a few sips of orange
'Wait, Dan' You say, remembering something 'Weren't you going to go into town today, I know I can't come with you but I don't want to stop you having fun just because I got sick' And it was true, you didn't want to force Dan to stay around, he had been wanting to go into town for ages, he was WELL overdue for a trip now and he had been really looking forward to going
'Don't be silly you muffin, you're sick, some bloody peasant sneezed on you, I can't just leave you'
'I'm a year older than you Dan, I'm pretty sure I could look after myself' You say in a flat tone
'Nope, I've decided, you're more important than a trip to town, I'd rather cuddle instead'
And so that's what you did, sharing toast, laughing as crumbs fell into piles on the sheets, when you were done eating and drinking from the steaming mugs, you felt considerably better and decided that you would rather lie on the couch, at least you could watch TV or something, so, in being your saviour today, Dan picked you up, all cocooned in your duvet, and carried you to the couch, you could hear his heart beating in his chest ass his arms were wrapped around you, holding you securely, never wanting to drop you or ever let you go, but eventually he had to and so, as you both cuddled on the couch, his warmth being far more effective than the duvet ever would, you were kinda thankful that you had got sick, because it meant that, for the whole day, you were allowed to do nothing more than talk in hushed voices while watching movies, held in each other's arms, your breathing synchronised and in perfect harmony.
4. Christmas Disaster
'Hey! Hey wake up!'
You groaned, rolling over in your sheets and the voice echoed around your head, pulling you up from the depths of sleep. You opened your eyes, blinking furiously in the painful light, but it wasn't so bad, as the face above cast a minor shadow over your own, that face made waking up a little more enjoyable. All perfectly blissful until-
'Jesus Christ Dan! What the hell?!' You stuttered, fully awake now, you couldn't have slept after that. Apparently, it had snowed overnight, and apparently, Dan thought it would be hilarious to dump said show on your face. You shook the slightly soggy white powder from your hair with a valiant attempt, but then it just got on your sheets, freezing any exposed skin. You could hear Dan laughing so you grabbed your pillow and hurled it into his stomach.
'Ohh You used pillow throw! It wasn't very effective' he said with a wink
'Dan that wasn't funny now I'm really cold'
'Don't get so upset, listen, I'm sure I can make it up to you with anything you want me to do today' he looked somewhat upset that I had reacted to badly to the snow shower, but really, who is going to be happy when they get frozen when they first wake up?
'well then, I think it's about time you set up the Christmas tree, on your own' you say with a wink.
'What? We were going to do that together'
'You should have thought about that before dumping snow all over me!' You leaned up and pressed a small kiss to his cheek before burying you head back in your covers
'Ugh fine' you heard him say in mock annoyance, you knew it was mock because as he left the room, you could hear the unmistakable sound of him laughing, and so you smiled into your covers, glad that you could love someone like Dan.
You must have drifted back to sleep because the next thing you knew you were yet again being dragged out of slumber by a voice, but this time a further away voice
'Damn buggery ow, Shit! Y/N ! I need some help!'
You wonder what's going on as you rush to where the voice was coming from to see what the emergency was.
'Y/N….' Dan moaned from the lounge
'I'm coming!' When you made it to the lounge room, your eyes wondered over to where Dan was, and you couldn't help but laugh.
He was on the ground, tangled up in the Christmas light cords, the lights were even on. He looked like an adorable glowing worm, thrashing around but that wasn't achieving anything as his arms where pinned to his sides. The lights cast soft shadows and highlights against his tan skin, illuminating him in a very pretty light.
As you continue to laugh at all the possibilities that could have led to him being face down on the floor tied up in lights Dan looks over to you and pouts
'It's not funny help me out! I look ridiculous!'
You continue laughing but make your way over to him and turning off the lights, so that when they started to get hot, they wouldn't end up burning his skin. You helped him to untangle the lights, creating enough slack for him to wriggle out. You laughed again at the expression on pure shame that was plastered on his face
'Dan, how did you even manage that?'
'I was putting the lights on the tree by my foot got caught and I went to step and of course my foot was yanked back so I spun around and then fell over and then that happened'
'Dan you're such an idiot'
'I know' he looked down
'But you're my idiot'
He looked up and into your eyes, pushing back your hair out of your face, his eyes were a mix of hazel and chocolate and you found yourself becoming lost in them, they began to move closer to your own before fluttering shut. You felt your eyes do the same as you leant forward to meet his lips with your own, you felt him lean in further, deepening the kiss. A warmth spread through you and you felt like you were melting, you felt his hand move to the back of your head and his fingers lock in your hair and you wrapped your own arms around his neck. It was at this point that you forgave Dan for showering you with snow this morning and fully appreciated Dan for all he was, the adorable worm in a cheesy Christmas jumper who had just been tangled in Christmas lights, who couldn't go anywhere without causing some kind of havoc, and you realised he was perfect.
5. Recovery
Please note with this I have never written Angst before and also I know absolutely nothing about anorexia so this is only a fantasy version on which I researched, so I deeply apologise if any of this is hugely unlike yourself or wrong 3
It was a simple enough concept. You would never be good enough. All the pretty, skinny people were good enough, but you would never feel that perfection that they must feel. It didn't however, stop you trying. It had started out healthy enough, you just wanted to lose a bit of weight, you saw all the skinny people and it was something you aspired for. There's nothing wrong with just wanting to make you feel better about yourself, right?
It started out as a simple diet, eating healthier and eating a little less, but living with Dan meant that the house was always stocked full of sweets and unhealthy foods, and as Dan did most of the cooking, the plate was always filled way over what should be normal.
And so you started eating less.
And less.
You saw food as an obstacle to success, you couldn't be happy with it there, going inside you and filling you, pushing out your gut into a grotesque shape, with food, you couldn't achieve perfection.
You tried to make the cutback's subtle, so that you wouldn't worry Dan, you didn't want him to be upset, this for you, to make you feel better, Dan didn't need to be a part of this. You looked at Dan and saw perfection. You didn't understand why he loved you, you felt you were ugly, fat and unable to achieve anything and he, he was beautiful, he was outgoing, thin without trying, funny and confident. He was everything you wanted to be but never could, heck, you can't even look at people in the streets without the panic rising, the shaking and the desire to just disappear. It wasn't fair. But it was your problem, not Dan's, and so, cuddles became less frequent, and when you did, you wore chunky sweaters, to hide the fact that you were still fat from the touch of his hands. You couldn't let him feel your body through your clothes, he'd be disgusted.
During dinner however, you noticed that Dan become increasingly concerned, the comments harmless enough
'Are you feeling okay? You haven't eaten much'
'What's wrong Ragan?'
'Are you sick'
At first, nothing was really wrong, but as time went on, and you still hated your reflection, you decided that you weren't doing enough, you were being pathetic and you needed to be thinner, to be happier and to prettier. You started skipping more meals, if Dan became suspicious; you told him you had been eating snacks all day, although the idea of that disgusted you thoroughly.
Time passed slowly, but you were finally losing weight, down to around 400 calories a day your body was doing what you wanted it to do, you were becoming thin, but you weren't any happier. You felt tired all the time and Dan didn't seem to want to be around you any more, he didn't speak to you at dinner for you stopped sitting down with him to eat it with him, the cuddles had become less and less frequent, until the ceased to exist altogether and you wondered if you were too late. You hadn't been able to achieve your goal and now Dan finally saw what you saw, that you were ugly, pathetic and fat.
It was funny, it almost hurt that Dan hadn't said anything, that he hadn't noticed what was going on. Despite hiding it you wanted him to find out, to say something. But he never did.
It was a Friday night, what little you had eaten that day made you feel sick, like a foreign object was inside your tummy but you couldn't get it out, it was there, digesting into your blood stream, adding to your fat cells, the thought repulsed you, and so you sat there, curled up on the couch, not saying a word. You could feel Dan's eyes on you, watching, you glanced at him and was surprised to find pain residing in those beautiful eyes. That hurt took you aback, what was wrong with him?
'Dan, what's wrong?' You asked in a small voice, talking took a lot of effort these days, you weren't sure why
'Ragan, you haven't spoken to me for over a week, and you haven't smiled for months, you never eat the food I cook for you and we haven't hugged for two weeks. I've been trying but you keep pushing me back, I just want the truth, do you still love me, or did you stop loving me? Do you want me to go, because I can, if that would make you happy?' He looked down
You were shocked, Dan was the only thing in your life that made you feel somewhat alive these days, you had thought he had lost interest in you, not the other way round
'Dan, no, No I.. Why would you think that?' You stood up, the intention was to go over to him and talk some sense into him, but as soon as your legs touched the ground, you knew something was wrong. The room started spinning, out of focus, you couldn't support your own body weight and you wanted to throw up, but instead you fell to the floor, unable to stand. And there you lay, unable to move, to cry, so speak, for you lacked the energy and ability to do so.
'Ragan! What's wrong?'
Suddenly Dan was on his knees next to you, arms wrapping around you, taking you into his lap, exhausted and dizzy, you allowed yourself to go limp in his arms. You looked up and saw the fear in is wide, brown eyes.
'Ragan, you're so thin, what have you done to yourself?' The fear was evident in his voice as he carefully lifted your shirt and gasped at the way your ribs stuck out from your skin, he gingerly lifted your fragile wrist and you saw the tears forming in his eyes.
'Ragan.. I.. I never knew.. I didn't.. know… How was I so stupid not to see this? Ragan, you're beautiful'
You had always loved many things about Dan, but until that moment, you had never realised he had loved so many things about you. There were so many, the way your hair looked when you first woke up, that even though you were immensely scared of people, you still managed to be friendly and kind and loyal and passionate, the way your eyes lit up when you were excited, the deep blue of them, the way your blonde hair shone in sunlight and the way you walked, so beautifully. As he listed all these and more, all things you had never thought about in yourself. But there was only one answer you could come up with
'I'm not perfect Dan, I'm not beautiful. I'm not you'
'You're ill, so you can't see what I see, and I'm so so sorry I didn't see it. I...I'm sorry." He paused. "Please, tell me what happened. I need to know so I can help."
At first, you were reluctant to share what had been going on with Dan but, after so long of holding it back, everything came flooding out along with the tears. When he had finished, Dan remained silent, looking on the verge of tears but he didn't cry. And for the rest of the night you sat together, you didn't cry. You wanted to, but you knew you had to stay strong for Dan. And Dan? Dan ended up crying his heart out all over your chest, soaking the sweater he clutched at so desperately while you built a castle with your arms, determined to keep him safe.
It was a long, slow and incredibly painful process, each day he would coax you to eat a little more, reminding you that you were perfect, that 'thin' wasn't what makes a person happy. You grew close again, the cuddles returned and things began to look up. You felt happier, happier than you ever thought you could be, even if you had been skinny. Some days you would break down crying, unable to eat the little bits that Dan wanted you to eat, it was on days like this where he would wrap his arms around you, soothing you, talking to you, about how he loved you and of stories, stories about anything, just to calm you, to make you happier. And it worked, cocooned in the protective walls that were his arms, surrounded by the deep musky scent of all that was Dan, you could calm, you couldn't eat, but the next day, you would try, because it made Dan a little happier, and it made you a little happier and slowly, over time, your hatred of food subsided, you had energy again and you could smile again. And it was all down to the fact that you had finally realised that you were in fact, perfect. Perhaps not perfect to yourself for no one ever is, but you were perfect to someone, and he was perfect to you, and you knew that he would always be there for you, helping you through this, because that's all that really mattered. Recovery.