Disclaimer: For some reason, Amy Sherman-Palladino did not credit me for ownership of Gilmore Girls. Because she didn't, I don't own anything. Darn shame.
A/N Luke and Lorelai are, in fact married, even though it may seem like they are just friends. This is not a romance fiction, so if you want one of those, look somewhere else. Or anywhere else on my profile. ;) Also, the Wikipedia thing is real and in quotes. It's not mine, I swear. *puts hands where you can see them*
Luke had finally done it. He had taken the plunge. It was already 2009, yes, but as we all know, it takes him a week to buy a tee-shirt. Luke Danes had purchased a laptop. That's right. You heard me.
"Wait, I'm sorry, you did what now?" Lorelai exclaimed after Luke told her the big news, covering her mouth with her hand and trying to conceal her laughter.
Luke was getting annoyed quickly today. He figured he would hear the same exclamations all day, so in preparation, he told himself to be extra-snippety and put on his Ron Swanson face.
"You heard me, Lorelai. I bought a laptop."
"You, the hermit, the 'I have a tiny, 1-inch TV and a 2-foot apartment' bought a laptop?" Oops. Too late. Lorelai let out a small giggle when she thought about the kinds of things Luke would look at on the Internet, all things dirty implied, of course.
"Yes!" Luke grumbled from behind the counter. God, why couldn't people understand him? "I can be spontaneous! Why is this so hard to understand?"
"I-"Lorelai let out another brief spurt of laughter, "I just-why?"
"Why would I buy a laptop?" Luke needed clarification, as always.
"Yeah. Why would you suddenly decide to just get up and go buy a laptop?"
"Lorelai," Luke said, leaning across the counter as he did so, "have you ever bought something on compulsion?"
"Look who you're talking to," Lorelai said slyly, taking a sip of that warm, bitter beverage we know as Luke's famous cup'o'joe.
"Right, of course. You know what I'm talking about, right? I mean, you walk in a store, look around, see something that is reasonably priced, and you grab it! That's what you do, you grab it, and you buy it, and then you take it home with you, because you can and you want to! Now, why are you telling me that I can't do that, huh?" Luke was, of course, making those wild hand gestures like he does when he rants. You know that circling hand gesture that starts out slow and then does a sort of crescendo until he's waving his arm around like those homeless people on Wabash. That hand gesture.
"I'm not saying that you can't do that, it's just that you usually do not, and when you do, it wreaks havoc everywhere because this town is so freaking nosy."
"Right, thank you. Now, if you excuse me, I am going to go and see if this thing actually works." Luke started to head upstairs, but Lorelai stopped him, saying,
"Do you know how to work a laptop? Because I can help you, if you want."
"No, that's fine. I'll just read the instruction manual." Luke thudded up the stairs.
"Okay," Lorelai whispered, doubt creeping into her tone.
5 minutes later…
"Lorelai?" a small sounding voice came from upstairs. "Can you help me?"
Sounds about right, thought Lorelai. She walked nonchalantly up the steep, wooden stairs, and opened the door like Kramer always does.
"You yelped?"
"Just get on over here. I can't figure out where the on button is."
Lorelai did a face palm and walked over to the man in need. She prodded the on button, causing the laptop to make a whirring noise and snap on. Luke was completely dumbfounded.
"How did you know that?" He asked in awe as he turned to her, his eyes wide and mouth ever so slightly ajar.
Aw, thought Lorelai. This must be what he was like as a boy!
"Well, see, I don't live under a rock, Patrick." Lorelai stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Jeez, you ask a simple question," Luke grumbled.
"Okay, once you pick a background and password, you should probably Google something to make sure your Internet works."
"Alright," Luke replied promptly, and did as told. He Googled 'Luke Danes' and hit enter before looking back up at Lorelai.
She was laughing.
"You legit Googled yourself?"
"It works, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, no, go right on ahead….." she trailed off.
"What?" Luke asked, still looking at her. Lorelai was staring, shell-shocked at the screen. Luke turned towards the screen himself, and what he found there was…..
"Just like me," Luke said, just as shell-shocked as his wife.
"Go on ahead and click on that link to Wikipedia. I really want to see what it says."
Luke fumbled with the mouse, but clicked on the link.
"Lucas "Luke" Danes, played by Scott Patterson, is the owner of "Luke's Diner" in Stars Hollow. His mother died when he was young, leaving his father to raise Luke and his sister, Liz. In season two, Luke reveals Liz left the town at the earliest opportunity and is a constant source of trouble to him, not least with her numerous ill-fated relationships and failed careers. By contrast, Luke is dependable, hard-working and somewhat of a traditionalist. After his father's death, Luke converted the family hardware store to the diner, having worked there in his youth. He keeps most of the original architecture intact as a way of honoring his father, with whom it is implied he was close."
"Am I being stalked?" Luke wondered after reading this first paragraph.
"No, look, it says 'Season 2'. What the heck? Google Stars Hollow now."
Luke complied and read aloud, "Stars Hollow is a fictional small town in Connecticut featured on the television show Gilmore Girls. It is depicted as a close-knit small town with many quirky characters, located roughly thirty minutes by car from Hartford. It is loosely based on the towns of Essex, Wallingford, and Washington, Connecticut, but filming of the pilot was done in historical Main Street Unionville in Unionville, Ontario."
"Oh my God. Gilmore Girls? Google that!" Lorelai was freaking out. My last name was Gilmore!
"It's a real show, Lorelai," Luke said, looking worried. "I'm going to go ask Taylor about this!"
"You do that, and I'll see if Miss Patty knows anythi-wait."
"What?"
"Google Image my name."
Luke looked confused.
"Fine, let me do it." Lorelai grabbed the laptop and typed in her name. "Oh, my God! That is practically me and Rory standing there! I have a freaking doppelganger! And so does everyone else in this town!"
Luke stood up looking angry and stormed out of the room. Lorelai stormed right after him.
/
"Taylor!" Luke bellowed throughout the Soda Shoppe.
"Good Lord, Luke, you'd think I kicked your dog. What do you want?" Taylor said in that obnoxious voice of his.
"I want to know why there is a show about life in Stars Hollow featuring my wife and daughter!"
"Oh," Taylor said, a sheepish grin spreading across his pasty complexion, "I was going to tell everyone about that….."
"Two years after the show ended?!" Luke roared, his voice rising in both intensity and pitch.
"Um," Taylor began in a manner showing no signs of pride or self-assertion, "yes?"
Luke rolled his eyes and let out a grunt of utter frustration.
"How the heck did you even get them to make a show out of us?"
"Well, I noticed around town how close everyone seemed to be, and also how amusing and stimulating our conversations were, so, in order to get money for town purposes, I started talking to a director and she approved the idea. We couldn't let anyone know because that would change how they acted, so we put secret cameras everywhere."
Luke's eyes bugged out. "Where all did you put cameras?!"
"Everywhere except for bathrooms and Mrs. Kim's Antique shop. We were scared of her and figured that we could just make up funny things for her to say since we know her so well."
"Who exactly is we?"
"Miss Patty and I. Why do you think we all gossip so much? Anyway, we put cameras in every possible place in every house and store and we took notes and summarized the main conversations, then shipped them off to the director, who put those conversations into her script. We also had to pick actors that looked and acted like you all, and believe me, that was very difficult, but I am happy with our results."
"Oh, well as long as you're happy! Excuse me!" Luke said, being unintentionally polite before storming out of yet another room.
/
Luke called Lorelai and explained all before heading to the Hartford video store, because obviously, Stars Hollow would not have what he was looking for. As he drove in his little green truck, he thought about all of the different ways he was going to murder Taylor. A reoccurring one was of himself hacking Taylor's head off with dull hedge clippers. Weird.
He strode briskly and with confidence into the video store and headed over to the TV section. Grabbing Season 1, he shook his head and walked over to the register. When he handed the pimply teenage cashier the case, he was given an odd look and a quick look-over.
"You sure you wanna be gettin' that now?" The teen asked rudely.
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"You look an awful lot like one of yall's characters on that there show."
"I think I'll be okay," Luke said impatiently.
"That'll be $5. Phone number?"
Luke gave his number.
"Okay, Mr. ….. Danes?" The teen looked horrified and excited all at the same time.
"Yeah, yeah, could you just give me the disc?"
"Feisty, "the teen girl purred, but she gave him the disc anyway.
"Thanks, "Luke said as he walked out, unaware that immediately following his exit, the girl would pass out from sheer shock and awe.
/
Lorelai was back at the house as Luke was driving to Hartford, and she was organizing an emergency town meeting. So, basically, she asked Patty's permission to hold one and then told her to spread the word. After she did this, she called Rory and told her the news.
"Oh my God! Oh my God! He put in cameras in every room! That includes my bedroom! Ew! I get dressed in my bedroom! Oh, God!" Rory was freaking out now, and for good reason.
"I know, and it had been going on for 7 years. From the time you were 16 to the time you got your first job. That is how long it went on."
"Kinky!" Rory exclaimed in disgust.
"I know-oh! Luke is back and we have to go to a town meeting now. I'll talk to you later."
"Okay, Mom. See ya."
"Love you, honey! Bye!"
Lorelai walked out the door, Luke right behind her, both indignant.
/
At the town, meeting, everything was already chaotic.
"I guess Taylor already told them," whispered Lorelai to Luke.
"Yeah. We're an hour late. Should I pop it in?"
"Do it."
Luke walked up to a TV that was like that one you used in 7th grade Social Studies; it had a cart and everything. He popped in the disc and waited for the FBI warning to come on before selecting the first episode with a remote.
LORELAI: Please, Luke. Please, please, please.
LUKE: How many cups have you had this morning?
LORELAI: None.
LUKE: Plus...
LORELAI: Five, but yours is better.
LUKE: You have a problem.
LORELAI: Yes, I do.
(Luke fills her cup.)
LUKE: Junkie.
LORELAI: Angel. You've got wings, baby.
Luke and Lorelai grinned at each other, Luke wrapping an arm around his wife. The town awed.
MRS. KIM: Go upstairs. Tea is ready. I have muffins - no dairy, no sugar, no wheat. You have to soak them in tea to make them soft enough to bite but they're very healthy. So, how was school? None of the girls get pregnant and drop out?
LANE: Not that we know of.
RORY: Though come to think of it, Joanna Posner was glowing a little.
MRS. KIM: What?
LANE: Nothing, Mama. She's just kidding.
MRS. KIM: (very seriously) Boys don't like funny girls.
RORY: Noted.
The town laughed.
Later, after they finished the first disc…
"See? Now isn't it kind of nice to look back and say 'Hey, those were the good old days. Don't you miss those?' Isn't it?" Taylor said.
"It is nice," Luke began. The town gasped and stared at him. "But don't try to redeem yourself!
The town all nodded in agreement.
"Why can't we just get over this, people? I mean, it's over now!"
"Because!" A voice cried from the back of the room, "people are writing fan fiction now!"
Everyone turned in their seats and craned their necks to see that one Rory Gilmore was standing in the back, holding a computer and looking horrified. "They paired me with Kirk!"
Everyone started talking amongst themselves loudly and in a panicky manner, so Taylor banged his gavel.
"Order, people, order! I can't control the world of fan fiction, so you are just going to have to live with it!"
A tiny voice cried out from the midst of the chaos, "Which couple is the most written about, Mr. Doose?"
Miss Patty beat Taylor, who had his mouth wide open, to the punch," Luke and Lorelai, our town's golden couple, of course, dear!"
Luke ducked his head in embarrassment as the entirety of the town looked over at the two of them while Lorelai just grinned and basked in the attention as is her way. The town laughed and Taylor said,
"So are we all okay with the show? We'll take a vote. Everyone who is for it, raise your hand!"
Everyone in the room raised their hand. They had laughed. They liked the dang show.
"Alright! It's agreed that we keep it around!" Taylor cried out joyously. Just then, the doors swung open violently, revealing and angry Mrs. Kim waving a computer screen with her face on it.
"Oh, so this is a thing now?" She shouted loudly.