She cannot believe she is being coordinated today. She can't. She feels as if it was only yesterday, that Roland was talking about how he wanted to fix up the village garden again, rather than over six months ago. She wonders how time is able to fly so damn fast.
Her coronation dress sits proudly towards the back of her closet, the gold and yellow material sparkles in the early morning sun. She slowly ran her fingers over the material, they catch on the tiny gold details Miranda has sowen into the fabric, giving her an even more gaudy look. Miranda has insisted to her eldest child that she would make the dress, Amber s sorry she ever doubted her mother.
Beneath her skin, Amber can feel a bitterness within her, growing and pressing up against her bones, forcing them into the skin as if it is too tight for them and they want to burst free from her shell of a body and become one with the earth beneath her.
Miranda called it grief.
She called it agony.
Despite this, she has four hours to attend her coronation, and she knows she has to make the most of it. She just can't grasp the concept of not being Princess Amber, she thinks, removing her signature silver and yellow grown from the table, and holding it in her hands. She'll never have cause to wear this again, and it really does feel so strange.
As per every time she puts something in her collection, she has to stop and admire everything in it. She puts her crown back on and starts with a fan. It has Prince Hugo painted on the front, she fans herself with it twice before setting it back down. She'd kept it as a reminder that love breaks all hearts in the end. Even if she hadn't truly loved Hugo, she felt a great loss that he was not the one for her. She never wanted to fall in love.
Next she examined a painted purple pinecone, the paint flakes off into her hands after she holds it, so she must be quick to set it down. She has it to remind herself that people who weren't her could still be perfectly valid, and she must listen to those she is ruling, and to Sofia.
Sitting on a pillow of Silk, a single dried flower is her next call. It is simple, but she kept it from when She and Sofia had their carpet ride, as a reminder that no matter what their differences, Sofia could be trusted. Sofia had been a pillar in her life for so many years now, she wonders what would happen if something were to go wrong and she should lose Sofia as well.
Sitting close to the middle is a patch of their family emblem, made by Miranda when she and Sofia first arrived. She'd always kept it in the middle, because she liked to look at it when she dressed in the morning, and think about her family. The patch to her represented a change in both her and Sofia. An acceptance, really. Gifts from Miranda just for her are few and far between, so she treasures them all.
After this sits her ribbon from the Princess Test. The colour has faded slightly, and it's certainly not as grand as Sofia's trophy, but it's still special to her. She pins it to her dress for a moment, and smiles. She doesn't know if she wants to be the queen, all of a sudden, she wants to be a princess. She knew how to do that. For a moment, she cursed her father for changing the rules to suit himself, after telling James his whole life he'd be king, and then giving it to her. She knew she deserved it, she had to, she was the first born, but it still confuses and worries her.
Her umbrella from one of the years at the Tri kingdom picnic sits next to the ribbon, she's too scared to touch it, because the glue has cracks and can barely keep the precious jewels from falling to the floor. She can see her reflection in them, and she looks tired. She's always tired these days. Death really takes it out of you, she thinks. She wonders if she will ever get the colour back in her cheeks. They;d had many tri kingdom picnics after this one, of course, but she kept this one because one side has extra glitter from the spill, and it's precious to her.
Sitting on a pink pillow is her cup from Sofia's tea party. She wishes she'd kept something from her own but she'd been too young. She never thought to collect until she met Sofia. She wishes she had more to show for her life. The cup has a small crack down one side from where she dropped it once. It would leak tea if she tried to drink from it. She feels a connection with the cup. She too feels as though she would leak, if they filled her with tea.
A sea shell is inside the cup, a gift from the Mermaids they met at the cove, from Oona, to be exact. She kept it as proof that magic was real and that she could believe things Sofia told her. She had too. Sofia never told lies, not as far as she knew.
The paper is so fragile, along the shelf, that she doesn't dare to touch it. But the paper from the gift Roland has insisted they give to the children of the man who had saved his life to her represented selflessness. Even though it didn't really matter in the end if the man saved Roland or if he hadn't, he had done so anyway. Amber has never understood selflessness. She feels bad for it.
A pressed leaf sits next to the paper, a leaf from the cart they made for the pageant, the first year she knew Ruby and Jade means friendship to her. She wishes she had more friends, but she doesn't dare try and make any now.
Having reached the end of her shelf and moving to the floor, the castle from when she and Hildegard worked together claims it's place. Hildegard had the partner, but she doubts that she had kept it. It means joy to her. She'd loved working with Hildegard, but rarely got the chance to do so. She wishes that they had spent more time with one another, and she hadn't let herself drift so far
Her locket from James starts the second shelf, she sometimes wears it still, and she will wear it today. She puts it on. James is her brother. She loves him. She shines the metal with her dress.
The planet doesn't float when away from the solar system. She hadn't taken all of their doomed science project, just one little planet to remind herself that winning wasn't everything.
Another crown glows slightly in the darkness of the early morning. Given to her by the god forsaken wishing well, Amber never wears it out and about. She reminds herself to share with others, but it doesn't always help. She will always be jealous of Sofia's relationship with their parents, she will never worry about being second place. It seems unfair that Amber herself must.
Onto a hat now, from their adventures in Wei Ling, Amber had kept her hat. To remember to be brave. She needs that now. Everyone needs that at the moment. No one knows what to do without Roland around. Not even Cedric.
A single peacock feather reminds her that love is for the weak, and whatever you love will always break your heart, even if they don't mean it.
She realizes she has spent too much time looking and cannot look at the rest of her things. She puts up her crown quickly, before wiping away a slight smudge from the middle gem. She always loved this crown. Her mother's final gift to her was this crown, not Miranda, her real mother. Amber finds she doesn't remember her that well anymore. Her only memory is rolling waves of long blonde hair, and the soft smell of roses. It breaks her heart. The only portrait left after Roland's grief filled destruction of all reminders of his wife was hidden away in the attic. She wants to remember.
She will ask the new steward to put the painting in the front row, along with one of Roland. She gives herself one last lesson. She must not forget where she comes from. Not even a little bit.