This is my first FanFic posted here. After watching REBORN, I found Fanfic and both addiction is sustaining my depleted imagination right now.
Disclaimer: I don't own Katekyo Hitman Reborn and rights belong to 天野明 Amano Akira.
JAMAIS VU
Did you ever get the feeling that you want to explode just to get it over with?
When the feeling gets too much, don't you wish that you will get it off your chest?
But I don't have the words for it, and I cannot scream. I just explode.
Because every time I see him, it feels like I'm seeing him for the first time.
Yes, it's like seeing him for the first time.
Rooted to the spot, transfixed by a vision of black.
Black hair, black eyes, even his clothes are black.
Except when I see him, he is suffused with light. My eyes would be blinded by him.
After more than ten years, it's still the same. Sometimes I wish I can still blow up whenever I'm shy.
At least, after exploding, I can relax a little, breathe a little.
Then it would start again. Everyday is just a countdown to zero.
You said it was alright to go to pieces over someone that you like.
But I take it to a whole new level.
I do it literally. Literally exploding to pieces.
How does it happen? I remember you asked me one time.
There is a warm feeling inside. Then, getting hotter and hotter. It would be building inside me. It starts with a small pool of warmth, until it engulfs me.
I know that I automatically latched onto someone whenever this happens. It's just that this feeling is so intense. I cannot bear it alone.
But I always did.
What do feel when I explode?
I'm not really sure. After dissolving into nothingness, I will gather again.
It happens every time I see him. Falling to pieces over someone so cool, so compose. Losing myself over and over every time I see him.
You would've thought that after a hundred or so explosions, he would finally notice me.
But he never did.
I had my master deactivate the Pinzu time bomb. Because even after ten years of seeing him, I'm still shy and I'm still exploding with everything inside, with every feeling that comes over me whenever I see him.
A vision of him.
After the deactivation, my master said that I could never be the same fighter again. The Pinzu time bomb stems from my very being. Taking it out would change me permanently. There lies my strength that I honed while training under him.
Almost all of them asked why I did it. It never bothered them, they said. My daily explosions. They got used to it. Lambo even said that it was one thing that he looks forward to everyday.
They have never understood. They never want to understand.
Except you, Haru-chan.
You understood why. Why I got tired of exploding everyday. Why I got tired of everyone seeing my reaction whenever I saw him.
It didn't bother me that everyone knows I like him. Oh no, it was ok.
What bothered me was, no matter how many times I explode, no matter how close to him the explosions were, no matter how much damage I cause, it never seems to bother him.
I doubt it if he even knows I explode when he's around.
Even if he did, maybe he got used to it like everyone else.
And he never bothered to know why I explode in the first place.
After living with them for so long, it felt a bit weird without my explosions. Without them, I never regained the strength I had when I was younger. I even trained harder than before, if that was possible.
Without my explosions, I felt weak. I thought that if I got rid of it, I would feel lighter, I would be free.
But I did not. I got used to the daily explosions as well.
I decided to quit. You were there, right? They looked at me, as I gave them my excuses. I would like to live a normal life. I would like to go the university. I would like to live again with Mama. Since everyone left the Sawada household, she is alone out there.
Everyone was looking at me, and then looking away after a beat or so.
I knew what they were thinking.
They were afraid to look at that one person who might actually change my mind.
And that person is calmly looking at me.
I looked away immediately. I cannot, will not look into his eyes.
I close my eyes, remembering all those times that I saw him. One look at him and it will start.
After one look, I would run away, run away from him.
I knew, I knew that he was aware that I'm burning from the inside, and his look started it.
And he didn't care.
I quit because I couldn't be around him. I couldn't explode now. And I don't want to find out what will happen if I see him. Maybe, I will just drop dead.
I saw him.
He was here.
Even before turning to see him, I knew it was him. I knew his step, the length of his stride.
I decided to be brave for once. I wouldn't explode now.
Maybe, it will be different this time.
Black hair, black eyes, even his clothes were black.
A vision in black.
I steeled myself to look into his eyes.
Black eyes, I am going to drown into his black eyes, suffused in white.
Then everything went black.
JAMAIS VU – (Fr. never seen). In psychology, this is used to describe a phenomenon where the subject doesn't recognize a familiar situation