Quote's Bad Hair Day: Rated R for Retelling Of Cave Story

by xandermartin98

Essentially a cross between Cave Story and Conker's Bad Fur Day, this story is a wild ride that treads familiar territory while amazingly retelling the storyline in a shockingly epic, unique, entertaining, troperiffic, and, most importantly, hilariously obscene fashion that has never before been quite matched by any novelization of a video game. I hope you have fun reading it!

1. Hermit Gunsmith Mario's Tunnel Of Doom

One day, a green-haired pussy by the name of Kazuma received an instant message from Sue; they were both on desktop computers, with Kazuma being trapped inside some kind of shed.

*chat room opened*

SUE: Wazzup, bro?

KAZUMA: Aw, nothing much...except for the fact that I'm trapped inside of a dungeon with no food or water and I'm going to DIE OMG PLZ HELP ME!

SUE: Aw, don't be such a baby. You've only been in there for about two or three hours at most.

KAZUMA: Come on Sue, you know me. You know how much of a pansy I am.

JACK: Yeah, you're even more of a pussy than C-3PO from Star Wars!

KAZUMA: Who the hell is Jack?

SUE: He's a green dinosaur from the planet Mars.

KAZUMA: That sounds soooooo kewl!

JACK: English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

KAZUMA: Well...yes and no. Anyway, you see, the problem is that there's no porn in here and I'm so hungry that I even ate my own cock! LOL JK! But just so you know...if I get to that point, I'll do it.

SUE: Well then, are you hungry enough to learn what sarcasm means?

KAZUMA: Sarcasm? What's that?

JACK: We're done talking about this.

SUE: Agreed.

*chat room closed*

At that moment, Quote woke up in a cave. Although it certainly looked rather dinky and average, this cave had a story to tell. (See what I did there?)

Unable to speak, Quote could only think to himself. "Where am I? It smells like piss in here." he thought to himself as he climbed out of the cesspool room and opened the door into his First Cave.

After heading over to the left (since heading to the right is too mainstream) and heading down to the lower level of the rather conspicuously banana-shaped tunnel, he came across a small pond that looked too big to jump across regardless; however, there was a lot of flat ground leading up to it.

"Goddamned bats, why does every single freaking platform game on the planet have to have them?" Quote thought angrily to himself as he dodged around the bats, using the aforementioned flat stretch of ground to get a running start and attempt to jump all the way across the pond to the other side. He recorded each subsequent attempt in his internal journal.

12/20/2004

Dear Journal,

Today I finally jumped over the piss pond after many failed attempts.

- ATTEMPT #1: I accidentally hit my groin on the top corner of the wall extending out from the pond and consequently toppled over in immense pain.

- ATTEMPT #2: I attempted to fly like Superman during my jump, but ended up face-planting my entire frontal body against the wall instead.

- ATTEMPT #3: I thought I heard someone asking me to play Mahjong with them and it was distracting me from the goal of putting my full physical force into the jump.

- ATTEMPT #4: I opened my secret emergency chest compartment and fired missiles and laser beams at the wall, but it didn't even leave a dent whatsoever.

- ATTEMPT #5: I walked on water...or in water, I should say.

- ATTEMPT #6: I accidentally swallowed a wasp in mid-air and almost choked to death.

- ATTEMPT #7: Finally, I managed to leap all the way across the pond. Thank God.

"Phew..." Quote sighed with relief as he pulled himself up and rolled over onto the ledge. "Now if I can just wade through this next...puddle...I might find something interesting!" he thought to himself with a smile.

"Ooo, a giant panther head, very scary!" Quote thought sarcastically to himself, entering the mouth of the false beast and stealing a gun from the house of the old man inside.

"Looks like Grandpa won't be needing this anymore..." Quote thought to himself as he went back up to the upper level of the passage, blasting every borderline harmless monster in sight to bits with his trusty...laser squirt pistol. "Well, what can I say, it's better than nothing!" he thought to himself as he shot down the wall on the right which had previously prevented him from leaving the passage.

Just as he was about to exit the place, however, he was suddenly attacked by the door! "What is this, Metroid? Well, two can play at that game!" he thought to himself furiously as he blasted the door into smithereens...well, the monster door with the regular door inside it, that is.

Exiting through the door, he was surprised when he found not a boss, but rather himself crashing straight down into Mimiga Town.