Hello! This Psycho Counter bringing you the result of way too many root beers and candy bars: The Great Ikari Auction. Trust me, if it were possible to get drunk off root beer, I'd be so totally sloshed right now that the hospital would have to pump my stomach.

Author's Notes: I already have a planned pairing for this fic, so there'll be no vote like in The Demon Master, but don't worry. I'm pretty sure you guys will be too busy laughing yourselves unconscious to notice all that much.

Okay, I've had enough rambling. On with the show!

The Great Ikari Auction
By Psycho Counter

Chapter 1: Of Empty Coffers and Desperate Measures

Sub-Commander Kozo Fuyutsuki was normally someone very difficult to stun. The aging ex-professor carried a calm grandfatherly air about him at all times, perfect when dealing with disgruntled Nerv employees. Right now, though, Gendo Ikari had pulled off something few could claim on their social resumes: He had made Kozo begin to question his sanity. This probably explained why he was looking at his former student/current employer as if he had suddenly grown an extra head.

"Gendo…would you care to run that by me again? I must have some wax in my ear or something because I swear I just heard you suggest that we auction the Third Child off on dates to anybody willing to bid high enough on him," he asked.

The Supreme Commander of Nerv could only smirk at the older man. "I assure you, Sensei, that I was quite serious. If you would bother to observe the boy's surroundings, then you would realize that half the female population of Tokyo-3 is infatuated with him. With SEELE cutting our budget to such painfully low levels, Nerv is in desperate need of funds," he replied, his facial expression not changing in the slightest while he spoke.

Fuyutsuki just knew this was asking for trouble. He was well aware of the…magnetism…the Third emitted in regards to the female populace. But he knew that giving that many women a chance to bag the young Ikari was just an invitation for outright pandemonium. "I still believe you should reconsider this, Gendo. We don't know for certain how the, uh, contestants would react to such a prize."

"Nonsense. This will net Nerv enough funds to last us for years. Then we can continue with the scenario."

Fuyutsuki smirked. "Would the scenario include a gratuitous amount of booze and enough hookers to make even Hugh Heffner green with envy?"

Gendo's face flushed cherry red at his teacher's words. "Sensei…shut up and get to work. We've got an organization to finance!"

(Katsuragi apartment)
"SAY WHAT! Nerv is auctioning the baka off on a blind date!" I'll give you guys three guesses as to who just said that, and the first two don't count.

Misato Katsuragi, purple-haired goddess of Tokyo-3 and Nerv's Tactical Operations Director, sighed and pinched her nose in frustration. "Yes Asuka it's true, and that's 'blind dates,' as in a multiple. I just got the information from Commander Ikari himself. Apparently, Nerv's budget is a little tight, so they plan on having people bid on a chance for a date with Shinji in order to buff up our finances."

Asuka snorted. "If they wanted to get some extra cash, then why sale the baka? He has all the sexual appeal of a rock, if you ask me," she snapped. Inside her mind though, the redhead was raging.

'Son of a bitch! All that teasing and negative reinforcement to get the idiot to loosen up and his old man has to make sure I lose my little baka. Unless…oh hell no! I did NOT just think of Baka Shinji as mine! Bad Asuka! Bad!' she mentally smacked herself repeatedly for thinking of the shy, timid pilot in that way. Kaji was her ideal man...wasn't he?

"I can only think of the effect this'll have on poor Shinji," Misato continued in her worried tone.

"Him?! I wouldn't be surprised if his head grew to the size of Russia because of this!" the younger woman screamed at her guardian.

"Then I guess we'll find out when he gets home from the store, won't we? God I need a beer," Misato shot back.

(About half an hour later)
After Shinji had gotten home from his impromptu visit to the grocery shop, the first thing he noticed was Asuka glaring at him more intensely than usual.

'Uh-oh…what did I do this time?' the boy asked himself as he quietly shuffled into the kitchen to put his purchases into the fridge. Setting the vegetables in their proper place, Shinji closed the door and set down a plate of preheated fish for Pen-Pen. Lord knew that Misato wouldn't feed the poor bird, having delegated that task Shinji.

Walking back into the living room cautiously, he found Asuka still glaring at him heatedly. He flinched. Hearing a thump come from his guardian's room, Shinji turned his head to see Misato stumble through the doorway, obviously drunk if her eyes and gait were any indication.

Laying eyes on her young ward, her eyes considerably brightened. "Shin-chan, you're home! So how do you feel about the news?"

Shinji blinked. Just how much of that awful sludge she called a beverage had she sculled this time? "What news? What are you talking about Misato?" he asked, wary of the sultry way in which the older but still very beautiful woman was sauntering towards him.

"Why the Ikari Auction, of course! Didn't you hear? You're dad decided that you could earn money for Nerv by being sold out to date anybody willing to bid high enough for ya," she yelled. Shinji blinked again. Okay, it was official: Misato was totally trashed beyond all human comprehension. It was a miracle she hadn't died of liver poisoning yet.

"Misato, I'm gonna get you a glass of water. I think you've been knocking back one too many Yebisu's tonight, so why don't you go lie down for a bit."

Before he could get her the water he promised, Asuka slapped him from behind. "You really are a total moron, aren't you? Misato wasn't joking about that damn auction. You're old man's gone off the deep end and put you up for sale like a common pet rat!" she said.

Shinji couldn't believe what he was hearing. Him? Auctioned off to some strange woman simply so Nerv could earn a few extra bucks? As the information finally finished processing through his brain, he did the only thing that seemed reasonable considering his new circumstances: he fainted dead away.

(Tokyo-3 City Hall Pavilion)
The participation at Gendo's little auction was far beyond any expectation they had calculated. It was like the entirety of Tokyo-3's women had shown up to have a chance at dating the immaculate and timid pilot. City Hall had approved Nerv's usage of the main pavilion as the auction site, where Nerv personnel had set up an elevated stage complete with curtain and bleachers for the bidders and guests.

Fuyutsuki glanced out at the massive crowd with growing apprehension. So far, the women had behaved themselves reasonably well, so riot control had been kept to a minimum. Clearing his throat, he began to speak into the microphone. "May I have your attention please? Thank you. First of all, I would like to be the first to welcome everyone to the Ikari Auction. As I'm sure you all know the prize for today's auction is a date with designated Third Child and pilot of Evangelion Unit-01, Shinji Ikari!"

Waving his hand to the side, the curtain behind the old man parted to reveal Shinji in his normal school uniform. The boy was blushing madly as he felt the gaze of every female in the city on him and him alone. Silently, he wondered just why his father had thought this would be a good idea. Interestingly, he spotted Misato, Asuka, and several other girls he knew in the stands. The boy prayed under his breath that he would survive the event in one piece.

Smiling warmly at the boy, Fuyutsuki stepped down from the podium as Shigeru Aoba replaced him. The long-haired technician had been personally chosen by Commander Ikari to serve as auctioneer, and the rest of the bridge crew acknowledged that Aoba knew how to charge a crowd.

"Okay ladies, let's get right down to the nitty gritty. This is how the thing is going to work: We'll start the bidding relatively low and let you ladies duke it out amongst yourselves in a bidding war, thought keep your hands to yourself please. Every week though, we'll up the starting bid price a little bit to start weeding out the lowest bidders. Also, after a lady has won a date with our esteemed bachelor here, they are automatically forbidden from winning again. We want to give everybody a chance, after all. Now then, what say we start today's bidding at…oh, 10,000 yen?"

Automatically, several dozen bidding cards shot into the air. Grinning widely, Shigeru pumped his fist. "Hey hey, we've got quite a few starters out there! Alright, let's up the score a little. Who'll give me 30,000 yen?!" A couple hands dropped, but many stayed and quite a few actually went up! Shinji gaped. There had to be at least a hundred hands in the air. He wasn't worth 30,000 yen was he?

"He he…perfect. Alright, you gals wanna get rough huh? Okay, let's jack it up to 100,000 yen!" A lot of the hands dropped, leaving maybe thirty still standing. Two or three jumped up though at the increase. Shinji's eyes bugged out as Shigeru kept firing ever-increasing bids, until finally things were slowing down. Though if you asked the boy, the bidding price was getting ridiculous. What was even crazier, he couldn't tell who was bidding, as a wall had been erected to keep him from witnessing who was bidding what.

"How about 350,000? There we go, I got 350! Someone wanna give me 400? Come on ladies, prime dating material right next to me! Aha, and we've got 400. 500? Boom, I've got 500! Bidda, bidda, bidda!"

Shinji had to admit: Shigeru was good; real good. He was driving the women into a frenzy that the boy didn't have to see to believe. He heard it well enough on his own.

"600 right there! Who'll give me 7? Going once, going twice…bingo, and we've got 700! How about 8? Who'll go for eight? Once, twice…and sold!" Shinji could feel the depression in the air as the girls all complained loudly at the end of the auction.

"And bidder number 458 wins our first date with Shinji for the hefty sum of 700,000 yen!" Shigeru exclaimed. "Alright ma'am, if you wanna come around, you can collect your prize."

Shinji couldn't help but feel glum at the way he was referred to as a prize, but he couldn't get mad at the technician: He was simply following his father's psychotic orders. Sighing to himself, he turned around fully expecting to meet some fancy-dressed woman that reeked of too much perfume. Who he saw, though, was completely unexpected.

He blanched, taking in the short brown hair, the soft yet shy smile, and the customary Nerv uniform. "Ms. Ibuki…?"

Well that does it for Chapter 1, and Maya has won the first date! Things are gonna get crazy from here on out as Shinji ends up being dragged on numerous dates all over Tokyo-3. Who will our shy hero choose as his companion at the end of it all? Only I know, so that makes me God. Bwahahaha!

Next time on The Great Ikari Auction, Chapter 2: The First Date. Shinji takes Maya out on the first date of the auction, only to find trouble at every corner as the competition decides to play party crasher.

Until next time, this is Psycho Counter, bidding you all a fair farewell!