Hey! Just want to say a quick thanks first to everyone who read and reviewed my other Carla/Peter one shot, it was very much appreciated!
This is set basically after Monday's episodes, 19th March 2012. It's just a little one shot about Peter regretting not asking more when Carla told him that Frank had threatened to rape her again on the night he was killed. I think it gets a bit cheese ball like at the end so apologies for that, I don't do mushy very well!
Thanks for reading! J
"So Anne heard Frank admit that he raped you? That's why she did it?"
Carla looked up, startled by the sound of Peter's voice. She'd been in a bit of a trance, trying to piece together the events of the night, the day, the past six months. She nodded slowly, not really wanting to be drawn into talking about that conversation with Frank, the conversation that Anne had overheard.
Peter could sense that she was trying to avoid talking about it and he silently cursed himself for leaving it so long to bring it up. Sure, they hadn't known about Anne before but Carla had told him that Frank had threatened to rape her again and he'd skipped over it. He'd been nursing the hangover from hell and trying to remember if he'd committed a murder or not, he hadn't thought to press her for more information.
He sat himself on the chair across from her and gently lifted up her head.
"Tell me what happened."
He said it as a statement, not a question. He didn't want it just to be in her head anymore.
"It's done now, Peter. No point going over everything again."
She tried to put her head back down but his hand stayed firm on her chin, forcing her to look at him. She knew why, she knew he could tell what she was thinking if he looked into her eyes and that's what she was afraid of.
"It's not done, Carla. It's not done for you, you know that and I know that… and besides, it's not again. I don't know what happened. I should have asked you before but I don't know, maybe the time wasn't right but now… just tell me what happened. Please?"
Carla was the same. She could look into his eyes and tell what he was thinking too. It amazed her how close she felt to him, it was hard to believe sometimes that they'd only started their relationship a few months ago. For her at least it had started a lot longer ago than that.
Right now she could see fear in his eyes. She was sure that he could see the same in hers. Her fear was of letting go of her memories, her ghosts, her secrets. His fear was that she wouldn't.
"What made you go and see him?"
Peter thought maybe questioning her about it would help her along a little.
She sighed, resigned to the fact that she was going to have to do this. She was going to have to tell him all the horrible things that Frank said to her, the way he touched her and the way he made her feel. The thought of it alone was almost enough to make her sick.
"I just needed to know why, Peter. Why he'd taken my factory, why he'd tried so hard to destroy me, why he'd…"
She stopped herself, annoyed that she was unable to finish the sentence. Sometimes she could do it, sometimes she could say the word and not have it flash back into her mind but now was not one of those times.
Peter closed his eyes, silently wincing at the knowledge of how that sentence should have ended. Why he'd raped me. The thought of it almost physically hurt him, the thought of that animal with his hands all over her, forcing himself on her. He couldn't even begin to imagine what it felt like for her.
"Did you really think you were going to get an answer out of him?"
"No but I'd had some whiskey and I was angry and well… doesn't make for the best decision making, does it?"
He could hear the regret in her voice, it was there every time she spoke about Frank.
"Anyway… I asked him why he'd done it, if it was about us and he, well I suppose he thought I was there to try and catch him out, try and record him admitting to it or something because he grabbed my bag, grabbed me, looking for some recording device."
Carla felt a little better, a little safer now that she'd started telling Peter what happened. It was as if the memory wanted to come out, it didn't want to stay hidden away forever, tormenting and taunting her.
"He touched you?"
Peter could feel his anger rising and it took everything he had to try and settle himself down. Now wasn't the time for getting angry. Instead he placed his hand on Carla's knee and squeezed it reassuringly, hoping that she felt comfortable enough.
"Mm but all he found was the whiskey bottle, the one we had here. He was laughing at me, called me an alcoholic… he was his usual self and well, you know what I'm like when I'm backed into a corner, Peter, I tried to give as good as I got."
It was something that Peter so admired about Carla. She had a sharp tongue and she was strong and determined.
"It's silly, I know, I mean you don't argue with the man that raped you, you get as far away from him as possible but I just couldn't leave, I couldn't leave without hearing him admit what he'd done."
Peter could see and feel her start to shake a little now. He wanted just to pull her into a hug and tell her that everything was going to be alright but he couldn't make everything alright in this memory of hers. The best he could do was listen to her and support her.
"And did he? Admit to it?"
Carla took a deep breath and nodded, surprised to feel a tear snake it's way down her cheek. She'd waited so long to hear Frank say those words to her, she'd needed it. In her mind, she would always know that he had raped her but hearing him say it, hearing him admit to it meant that maybe somewhere he knew what he'd done was wrong. Maybe it hadn't all been her fault.
"He had hold of me, he was pinning me up against the railings and his face… it was so close to mine, closer than we are now. I could feel his breath on me, I thought I was going to be sick."
Peter moved to sit next to Carla and put his arm around her. She must have been terrified. He was so angry with himself for leaving her alone that night. She must have been going through hell and he was out getting bladdered, he would never forgive himself for that.
"Love, I wish I'd been here for you that night, I'm so sorry."
Carla looked at Peter and felt so much love for him that she almost didn't know what to do with it. He was childish and moody with her sometimes but he would do absolutely anything for her, the last few days had proven that. She could see how hurt he was and she knew it was because he could see how hurt she was.
"You're here now."
She looked away again, bracing herself for what she knew was to come.
"He said the words to me. He said I raped you. He said it over and over again, I think he was enjoying it. He said… he said it was my fault."
She was completely sobbing by now and she could see tears in Peter's eyes too. It hadn't really occurred to her before how difficult it would be for him to hear all of this.
"Carla, you know that it wasn't though, right? No matter what you did or what you think you did, it still will never excuse what he did to you. There can be no reasons or excuses for that."
Somewhere in Carla's mind, she knew what Peter said was true. Michelle had said the same, as had Maria and she'd even tried telling herself. It was Frank's fault. He did it. He was a monster. Deep down though she still had the doubts, the hatred and the anger towards herself for ever letting herself get into that situation.
Peter knew this too. He hoped that one day she would finally accept that she was not the one to blame for Frank's actions. He was a rapist and he wanted to hurt her and he had most definitely succeeded.
"He gripped onto my arms tighter and he said that he could do it again. It was like I was back there again, Peter, back in my flat, against the door and he was going to do it, I believed that he could, that he would…"
Carla buried her head into Peter's chest, wishing so much that all of these memories could be buried just as easily.
He stroked her hair, knowing that it usually calmed her down. It felt like such a miniscule thing, he wished there was more that he could do for her. If he could take away what had happened to her he would do it in a heartbeat.
She looked up, scared to continue. That whole night had replayed in her head like a broken record ever since it happened but this is what had been tormenting her the most.
"I wanted to beg him, I wanted to plead with him to get off me but I… I couldn't, Peter. I don't know if it was out of fear or if it's because I was just refusing to beg him but I was just… frozen. It's not like begging him did me any good last time anyway, is it?"
Peter held onto her tighter, feeling sick at the thought of her begging Frank to leave her alone and him ignoring her, thinking of how scared she must have been.
Carla found herself getting out of breath slightly, the flashbacks always did this to her. It's like they took over her whole body, just like Frank had, making it difficult for her to speak or think properly.
"He pushed himself even closer to me, I didn't think that was possible but… I don't know, something inside me just snapped. I don't even really know how I got away from him, it's all a bit of a blur but I just knew I couldn't let it happen to me again, I couldn't… I just couldn't, Peter."
Carla placed her head back onto Peter's chest and he rocked her gently, back and forth. His t shirt would soon be soaked with her tears but it didn't matter, she was in his arms and she could be safe there. He held onto her as tightly as possible and tried to soothe her tears. He hadn't been there to do this for her on the night that Frank had raped her or on the night that he had threatened to do it again so he had a lot of making up to do. He knew that nothing could take away the pain of what Frank had done to her but he hoped that Carla knew that he would always be there for her.
As she cried she felt a huge release, like a bit of a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She had been so angry with Peter for leaving her by herself that night that it had never actually occurred to her to tell him what had happened. As hard as it was to rake over the memories, she knew it was best to talk to him. He hadn't judged her like she'd feared, he'd held her and comforted her and made her feel safe.
Carla looked up and into his warm eyes again as he spoke.
"Thank you."
"What for?"
"Letting me in. I love you, Carla and I need you to know that you can tell me anything. This is it now, this is the proper start of the rest of our lives."
Carla smiled, wanting to believe him. Frank was gone, Anne had given herself into the police so she was no longer a suspect. It would be a hard road but Peter was right, this was the start of the rest of their lives.