inspired by the Marina and The Diamonds song of the same name and, in part, it's music video.
It had been easy, saying yes.
Convincing herself to leave everything behind and run away with Alex. Probably too easy (but those weren't the kind of things on Piper's mind these days). The excitement of being with Alex, the adrenaline of being where she wasn't supposed to be, doing what she wasn't supposed to do, made everything else easier to ignore, easier to push into the background.
Because Alex had been everything Piper had been looking for. Alex was everything Piper had longed for. Alex Vause was everything Piper Chapman wanted to have and wanted to be. She was freedom and wild electricity and adventure and the chance to throw away all those judgmental glances and murmurs Sara H had bestowed up her her entire young life, the chance to jump out the back of a bus without looking back and worrying what the people standing behind her would say and think and scold.
She'd called Polly that night. Climbed out of Alex's sleepy embrace in search of her phone, told her it was something she needed to do, told her she'd back soon. She'd been predictably hesitant at first, "Piper are you sure this is what you want?", "I know it's not moving in, or marriage, or kids, but it's still a big step.", "How serious about her are you, Piper, because you won't be able to just leave when things get bad.", she'd finally relented upon noticing the blonde's responses were just leading them in circles ("I need this, Pol.").
She'd called her mother next, climbing back into bed at Alex's quiet insistence as the phone rang. She'd told her she was leaving the country for awhile, traveling the world with Polly, with friends. A final hurrah before truly settling into responsible adulthood. She'd rambled something about "finding herself" and "becoming cultured" and her mother had eaten it up (Alex had scoffed quietly against her waist).
She settled into sleep with a smile on her face (and Alex Vause in her arms, the taste of adventure on her lips), because Piper Chapman was finally reaching out for what she wanted, the life she wanted. Piper Chapman was turning from the carefully constructed life she'd been told to want. Piper Chapman was making the decision to truly and finally live.
Because what was the point of living if she never truly lived?
.
One of Alex's favorite games involved leaving Piper alone until just before she began to panic.
She'd disappear into crowds, Get held up at "work", vanish into the cracks of foreign cities, just long enough to leave Piper feeling as if she were drowning, only to reappear just as she'd reach out for her in blind distress.
She could never quite tell if it was out of a cruel practice to keep her dependent on her, or a sick desperation to reaffirm that Piper needed her (needed her as badly as she needed Piper).
She'd leave her places, slipping away into the crowd with unnerving ease. Numerous nights in numerous countries, getting lost in a swell of bodies. Clubs, parties, bars, beaches, anywhere a mass of people gathered, anywhere Piper's inhibitions lowered.
The first time Alex had left her alone had been in a crowded club. One minute she was behind Piper (hands clutching her hips, pelvis grinding against her backside), the next Piper was alone. She didn't know how long she'd been alone, just that right now, in this brief moment of lucidity, Alex was not here.
She remembers searching the crowd, hesitant to stop moving with the music, to step away from this spot of clear-mindedness, to acknowledge that Alex had left her alone. Because the second she acknowledged Alex had left, that there was a problem, that she was alone, was the second things would stop being fun. It would be the second things started to get scary, and then the haze currently clouding Piper's mind, dulling the edges of reality, muffling the lights of the dance floor into a soft running glow would leave too. The cloud would darken, suffocating her in it's blackness, sharpening the edges of reality into jarring focus, smothering out the lights completely as fear took hold.
Piper felt the beginnings of that thick black fear taking over as the minutes crawled by, as Alex continued to not be here. Her heart rate picked up and she could no longer convince her hazy mind that it was due to the dancing. Alex had left her alone in an unfamiliar crowd, in an unexplored city, in a foreign country, Alex had left her alone.
She'd stopped dancing, her hands raised to her hair as her eyes circled the crowd for a third time. She felt the slightest beginnings of tears gathering in the corners of her eyes as the panic set in, and right before the suffocating cloud could overtake her a hand fell on her shoulder.
"Hey."
She'd whirled around to face the new presence (the familiar presence), throwing herself into Alex's arms.
"Where'd you go? I couldn't find you! You were gone!"
And Alex's husky chuckle was the most beautiful sound she'd ever heard.
"I went to get another drink."
She'd buried her face in the older woman's neck as she clung to her, arms tightening and retightening around her ribs in a steady pulse (an erratic heartbeat that stretched between the two of them).
"Were you scared?" Alex's amused lips were smirking against her ear. She'd closed her eyes against her neck as the sweet relief of Alex's return washed over her.
And it was intoxicating.
The same high one gets from walking through a haunted house and spotting the glowing green exit sign at the end, or reading scary stories alone at night and closing the book, knowing it was all just a story. That pulsing high of adrenaline flushing from your system as you realize everything's going to be okay.
Alex had taken her home that night and touched her until she could no longer remember the brief grip of panic in a crowded club in some foreign country. Alex had loved her until the rest of the world faded into the background.
Alex took her outstretched hand.
.
The nights were when Alex loved her the most (or so it felt).
At night Alex was hers and the rest of the world fell away. She'd take her dancing in crowded clubs, swimming in vacant pools, running down deserted beaches. The places Piper had explored in the light of day now new and exciting in the blanket of night. In the presence of Alex.
She'd been sitting at the edge of their hotel pool one night when Alex wandered out, nudged her shoulder lightly, an offering. Piper's hand had lazily reached up to accept the proffered bottle, bringing it to her lips as Alex lowered herself to the edge of the pool beside her. They drank in silence for a moment, Alex's free hand coming to tangle in the hair of Piper's temple as she leaned to rest her head against her shoulder.
"You feel like going out tonight?"
She'd hummed softly in response under Alex's gentle ministrations. Alex's chin coming to rest against the crown of her head. She tilted her head to gaze into the older woman's eyes, smiling as she pulled them together in a soft kiss. "I think we should stay in tonight."
"In?" Alex had whispered against her lips, a slow smirk sliding across her face.
"Yeah." She grinned in response, the mischievous glint stealing across Alex's eyes, infectious.
"Yeah." She'd parroted back right before the world shifted and everything became weightless.
She was falling for a moment, the ground beneath her suddenly disappearing before closing around her with a splash.
She breached for air, abruptly realizing the ground had not opened up below her. Alex had pushed her into the pool and now sat laughing above her as she spluttered in confusion.
"You ass!" She exclaimed, heaving an armful of water in Alex's direction.
"Hey!" She'd laughed, trying to shield herself from the oncoming wave and failing valiantly.
She'd barely begun to glare at the giggling brunette before she'd tossed back the remainder of her drink and pushed herself off the ledge after the blonde.
"There." She'd murmured huskily, trapping her against the ledge of the pool. "Now we're even."
And then they were kissing, Piper's legs wrapping around Alex's waist as Alex's hands slid over her ass.
She'd carried her slowly around the pool, fingers trailing under Piper's wet skirt, brushing against her gently before pushing into her slowly. It was a gentle push and pull, like a lazy tide easing in and out of the crest of her thighs. She'd held her and touched her and held her some more. Slow and languid and peppered with husky laughs and childish giggles.
They'd climbed out of the pool and thrown their wet clothes into the hall. A brief grappling match taking place in wet underwear as Alex chased Piper down the hall before throwing her over her shoulder and dragging her back to their room, laughing all the while, pounding quickly on random doors before ducking swiftly behind their own. They were giddy and young and free. They were in love.
They'd tumbled into the shower and then later into bed, where they'd lain face to face fighting against the insistent pull of sleep. Studying each other's faces, reluctant to close their eyes and fall away from consciousness and leave each other behind.
Alex had been gone when Piper woke the next morning, and she briefly wondered if it had all been a dream before spotting a mug of coffee and small bowl of fruit waiting for her on the nightstand.
The nights were when Alex loved her most (it was hardest to tell herself otherwise in the bright lights of the morning next to the lingering scent of Alex on now-cold pillows).
.
She'd never been entirely sure of who she was, exactly.
Piper Chapman. Connecticut born Smith grad.
Well behaved blonde girl who always listened to her parents, never rocked the boat, always followed the rules.
Rebellious quick tempered narcissist who took what she wanted, ran from her problems, and lied with practiced ease.
She was a different person for everyone in her life. Her parent's perfect daughter, Polly's charmingly foolish friend. She had a different mask for every occasion and Alex was the only person who witnessed all of them. But she was beginning to wonder if Alex had ever seen her maskless or she'd just forged Alex a collection of her own (because if Alex had never seen her real face, how was she to argue that the face she presented as her own wasn't just another imitation).
Alex would watch her sometimes when she was on the phone.
Having finished her phone call with her own mother she'd settle in to watch Piper lie to hers.
She'd pretend to read a book or scroll through her laptop or flick through the television, but her attention would be on Piper and her collection of many faces.
They were somewhere south of a quarter through their relationship the first time she mentioned it. In another city, another room, another bed. Alex had crawled under the covers for the night, idly flipping through the TV as Piper sat atop the comforter next to her, chatting away to her family. It had been a long day and she was losing herself slowly to the beginning tugs of sleep when Piper finally said her goodbyes.
"How do you do that?"
Having just discarded her phone, Piper shifted her attention to where the brunette lay, noticing that at some point she'd turned to face her, television yammering on, forgotten, in the background.
"Do what?" She asked in soft confusion.
"Tell them all stories like that. Lie to everyone around you with such practiced ease."
Because Alex Vause was no stranger to lying and manipulation, but there was something different to the way Piper Chapman did it.
She shrugged softly, eyes tracking across the room as if the idea had never occurred to her. "I just tell them all what they want to hear."
Because she'd been brought up to keep everyone happy, hold things that no one wanted to hear in. She'd been brought up to lie.
Alex is silent for a moment, studying her from her place against the pillows of their bed. "Do you ever tell me what I want to hear?"
Her faces scrunches for the barest of seconds as she considers Alex's soft words, before smoothing out into a gentle smile. Alex watched from her position against the pillows as she moved to lie across from her. "Alex, you're with me more than anyone. You've been with me more than anyone." Her hand raises to trace the sharp edge of her jaw as she stares into her emerald gaze, her next words coming in a whisper. "You know me better than anyone."
And when she looks unconvinced Piper leans in, placing the softest of kisses against her worried lips. "I don't have to lie to you."
It seems to be enough for Alex as she allows the kisses to delve a little deeper, push a little further.
Piper tells herself it's enough for Alex as they shed their clothes and devour each other under the soft cover of night (and Piper convinces herself it's not a lie if she desperately aches to believe it with every bit of her own heart).
But the truth was Piper could never entirely tell if she was herself when she was with Alex, or if she was just letting Alex unconsciously mold her into the herself she wanted to be (or the herself Alex wanted her to be).
Because if she'd never been entirely sure of who she was, how would she know if the person she was when she was with Alex was any realer than the rest of them?
.
The last time Piper trusted Alex was an airport in Belgium.
The first splinter in the eventual ruins of their relationship taking form as Alex so flippantly comments on the uncertainty of Piper's safety (Kubra would have had you killed her voice remarks, I would have let you die Piper hears).
Alex's favorite game was to leave Piper alone, but for the first time in her life Piper has never truly felt so alone. And she finally allows herself to make the unconscious decision of acknowledging the depths of Alex's abandonment. And she can suddenly no longer turn a blind eye to the fact that there was a problem.
It was the second things stopped being fun.
It was the second things started to get scary.
And Alex's husky chuckle had made her blood run cold.
Alex slipped away to take care of a few things when they reached the hotel, leaving behind her the promise of returning to make good on those whispered words against her heated skin at the airport (I am gonna eat you for dinner said the big bad wolf). Piper loses track of how long she stands despondently under the head of the shower. She makes sure to be in bed by the time Alex returns.
She's still awake when Alex pauses in the doorway of the bedroom, though she pretends she isn't. She lingers a moment, Piper can feel her gaze trailing over her, she vaguely wonders if Alex is disappointed. But she's heaving a sigh and moving to sit at the edge of the bed. She's raking a hand through her hair and pulling the clothes from her body. She's sliding in behind Piper and burying her face in her shoulder and Piper can't stop herself taking her hand and threading their fingers when her arm curls it's way around her ribs.
"I can't do that again." Her voice is soft when she speaks, hoarse. Shaken.
Alex doesn't say anything as she clutches Piper tighter, buries her face deeper.
Piper's on the cusp of sleep when she hears Alex's voice through the stillness of the bedroom. "I know."
And Piper tells herself that she means it. She tells herself that everything will be fine.
And she ignores the fact that deep within her chest she knows that it's another lie.
The last time Piper trusted Alex, really trusted Alex, was when she reached blindly for Alex's outstretched hand and found nothing.
.
Her nights full of Alex begin to grow fewer and further between.
Days growing long and lonely as Alex gave more and more of her time and attention to work.
Piper spent more time in bed than exploring the cities anymore. Lying against sun-warm sheets as the day passes on around her. She goes through routine motions to pass the time; read a book, get a latte, watch the people who called this current city home. Await the end of the day, await Alex's return, await the blanket of night. Sometimes Alex comes back before she falls asleep (sometimes she's not sure Alex had come back at all), and sometimes she ventures into the city with the dark.
The night had been when Alex had loved her most and maybe that's why she desperately seeks them out, as if hoping to find traces of Alex and that love still lingering on them.
She's on her way out the door when Alex suddenly comes through it one night and they pause to stare at one another in vague confusion (like two strangers suddenly realizing they'd been sharing the same apartment).
"Are you going out?" Alex is the first to break the silence and her voice is hoarse with fatigue when she speaks.
"Mmhm." Piper murmurs and the look Alex gives her would have halted her in her steps several months ago.
She's too tired for a fight and she's too weak to chase after Piper and she's too proud to ask her to stay so instead she bows her head with a sigh and a short nod. "Have fun." And her words hold no malice or judgement or condescension, just quiet defeat.
Piper stays out for no longer than an hour.
Alex is in bed when she returns but stirs slightly when she crawls in beside her. No words are exchanged as Piper's lips find hers in the dark, her hand coming up to tangle in the blonde hair at the base of her neck. In the silence of the bedroom Piper pulls the clothes from their wanting bodies and loves Alex the only way she knows how to anymore. They move against each other in the stillness of the night, their soft pants and quiet groans the only sounds in the world.
It's unhurried and it's tender and it's a declaration of promises they know they'll never keep (and an apology for all the ones they've already broken) and the night wanes on around them as they lose themselves in each other again and again.
They fall asleep just before the first touch of dawn begins to peak over the horizon, sated and tangled and even more exhausted than before, but it's still night and they're still together and there's still love, and maybe they're going to be okay.
Piper still ventures out at night when Alex doesn't come home.
Still clings to memories of richer nights full of unspoken promises and the tantalizing nearness of Alex Vause.
But no matter how hard she looks (how vainly she hopes) she no longer finds a new and exciting world coated in the overwhelming presence of love.
All she finds are unfamiliar streets, unexplored cities, and the overwhelming absence of Alex.
.
Alex never truly believed Piper loved her more than she loved herself (which struck Piper as odd considering Alex Vause always placed her own safety above anyone else's when the truth came down to it, and Piper wasn't sure she loved herself at all).
They were in another pool in another hotel in another country when she finally understood how far Alex was willing to go for their relationship (and how little she was willing to give).
The weight of Alex's job was beginning to bear down on them, though it wasn't something they admitted out loud. Not outright at least. Not yet. They'd argue about other things, dancing around the real issue like two children running deliriously around a sprinkler, desperate to avoid it's wet grasp. Piper was growing tired of this lonesome drowning game, Piper was growing disillusioned with the once enchanting nights, Piper was growing old in Alex's domineering world.
Another fight had led to her storming out of the room (the slowly blooming ache of living had kept her from getting any further than the pool).
She'd sat and stewed and kept herself from shedding any tears as Alex raged in the room behind her before eventually falling quiet. It didn't take long after for her to slink out from the doorway, settling beside Piper without a word. And they sat in silence for awhile before Alex slipped into the pool, sinking under the water as if attempting to wash away everything leftover from their fight. She surfaced with a gasp, moving to rest between Piper's legs.
And the apologies began (and they continued to dance around the cracks splitting across their once strong kingdom).
"You know I'd do anything for you." She murmured, a soft kiss against her ankle, fingers dancing up and down her calves.
"Anything?" Piper whispered in return and their eyes locked in silent stalemate. A tense and heated moment in which Alex knew Piper could ask the one thing she was incapable of giving, in which Piper knew she could call Alex's bluff and topple their entire kingdom of cards around them.
It was an edge they were becoming increasingly familiar with. A structure of carefully ignored lies and promises beginning to come undone, cracking under the pressure. They were falling apart and turning a blind eye. Because Piper Chapman knew she wasn't invincible, and Alex Vause pretended she was. And Piper Chapman had never loved anyone more than she loved Alex Vause in her entire life, but she was beginning to understand what people meant when they said it was only a thin line from hate.
They continued to hold each other's heavy gazes as she pushed her heel into the slope of Alex's shoulder, a quiet challenge and soft resignation in her tone (a refusal to buckle and a refusal to push, and Alex picked up on both). "Die for me."
Their eyes stayed locked as she sunk below the surface, Piper's foot a steady pressure against her pulse. And Piper tried not to think about how Alex would concede to this death sooner than give up any aspect of her life as she held her under the tranquil water and the seconds ticked by.
Piper Chapman loved Alex Vause (but being with Alex Vause was becoming a practice in hating herself).
Piper Chapman loved Alex Vause (but she was beginning to understand the weight of that thin line that divided it from hate).
.
They're a month away from Paris when Piper finally understands they're heading for implosion.
Alex had had the night off and they'd found their way to some party on some beach. Found their way to some strange tablets that gave her pause before Alex had laughed and pressed one against her tongue, then pressed her tongue against Piper's. And it's the first time in a long time that Piper feels happy again. Giddy with excitement and drunk on Alex and lost in the haze of their love.
They don't stay at the party for much longer after taking the drugs, they run down the beach, laughing and chasing each other until they lose their footing and collapse against the sand. And Alex's tongue is in her mouth again, her hand on her waist again, and Alex Vause is the only thing in the entire universe again. And Piper feels like she's on fire (she is fire) and Alex is the fuel to the flames.
Her veins run hot with everything that is she and everything that is Alex and everything that is they, together, when they mix. And she thinks, if she looked at them now, as they swirl together like two reacting chemicals, she's certain they'd be glowing. Because their love has always been nothing short of nuclear. An all encompassing disaster of chaos and passion. A radioactive combustion igniting anytime their bodies and souls get close.
They kiss leisurely for what feels like hours before Alex eventually rolls off of her, falling to her back against the sand beside her. Their eyes scan the heavens in silence as the sounds of their soft breath fills the air around them. And the stars swirl and dance before her eyes and Piper vaguely muses that they'll never be as beautiful as Alex Vause.
But when she turns to face her, Alex's eyes are faraway. And really the only thing Piper feels is cold.
When she turns to Alex she falters, because that warm feeling is gone, that comfort is gone. And she no longer knows where home is.
And that's when Piper finally understands that in the end, all radiation is does is make you sick (and being in love with something toxic is just a slow and torturous death).
.
"Please don't leave. Not now." Alex begs with a gasping breath (as she drowns alone in a foreign sea).
But Piper's eyes are cold. And Piper's growing smaller and smaller as she moves further and further from Alex's outstretched hand.
And Alex Vause had left first, but Piper Chapman was the one who walked away.
Each of these sections is influenced by a different verse in the song and I hope they reflected the lyrics and tone of the song as well in reality as they did in my mind. I saw this song on a couple fan mixes and graphics and watched the video and this story just kind of exploded out of it all before I could stop it. The video was especially influencing though because it has such a strong feel of what I think a lot of the tone of their early days was, and every time I watch it I can't help picturing Alex and Piper in a lot of the scenes.