Jane had to secretly admit she absolutely hated buying Maura a birthday present.
As in being trapped in the morgue.
During the zombie apocalypse.
With Pike.
And yet not being able to shoot him because she had to save her bullets.
That kind of absolute hate.
In fact, the only thing Jane could even summon up the strength to manage to hate more than buying Maura a birthday present was buying her a Christmas present.
And that was only because she seriously loathed holiday mall shopping.
She thought it had something to do with . . . .
Well, everything about holiday mall shopping actually.
It wasn't that she didn't want to get Maura a present, because she did. The woman was seriously one of the best things in her life. Even when Maura made Jane feel like she was going to go crazy.
Maybe because she made her feel like she was going to go crazy.
No, the problem with buying her a present was that Maura was rich.
Jane ordinarily didn't mind that Maura had money. She honestly wasn't one of those pathetic envious types that resented someone else's good fortune. And even if she did, she was pretty sure she wouldn't have been able to resent Maura having it.
Maura had an amazing heart.
Who else in the city would have tried to pay for the coffee and donut of a woman they thought was a broke bad tempered prostitute?
Or give one of their own kidneys to the spoiled self-centered irresponsible half sister they never knew they even had?
Or let their best friend's well meaning but completely life interfering mom come live with them because she needed a place and they knew it would be Armageddon if she moved in with their best friend?
Or give help to the two men who could have tied for the Best Villainous Father of the Year Award in the state of Massachusetts?
The woman was practically a saint in Jane's book. If she only had the money to buy one present, she'd buy one for Maura and tell her family to suck it up buttercups.
Seriously, she would.
Plus, she knew Maura would help hide her.
So, the problem wasn't Maura having money.
The problem was Maura's money itself.
Because it always made Jane's gift picking a nightmare of epic proportions.
Not that Maura expected an expensive gift. In fact, Jane was fondly sure Maura really did believe that whole 'it was better to give than receive' thing and would genuinely be as happy with Jane just showing up to her birthday dinner as she would if Jane brought the actual perfect present.
No, the nightmare of epic proportions was simply this:
How do you pick something out for someone who has enough money to buy pretty much anything she wants and who always buys it when she wants it?
Even if Jane could afford it, she couldn't just do the normal person thing and pick out something Maura had already mentioned she really liked because odds were the woman had already bought it and it was probably already in shipping.
If it wasn't actually already in her house right now.
Jane sighed.
And probably in the closet.
Maura had a special fondness for stuff that could go in a closet.
All of which then meant Jane had to come up with something entirely original.
That she could still somehow afford.
And that she still thought Maura would somehow actually like.
Really.
Ugh.
Jane had even tried to get help this time picking out Maura a birthday present. And it had gone pretty much how she was afraid it would go.
Her mom had suggested she get Maura something cute.
It had made Jane kind of gag.
Plus realize her mom didn't know Maura as well as she thought.
Because Maura and cute didn't go together at all. She just wasn't one of those I'm-a-Hello-Kitty-Disney-Princess kind of girls. Sure, she could be geeky and goofy and outright adorable at times. But it was always in an entirely classy, oddly elegant and sometimes even outright sophisticated woman kind of way.
Korsak had suggested she get something for one of Maura's work interests.
That had really made Jane gag.
And wonder how the crap a detective nearing retirement could somehow entirely miss what that woman did for a living.
She'd put the kibosh on that idea even faster than the cute one.
Besides, Jane knew she might seriously bite at picking presents but she was still pretty sure saying Happy Birthday to your best friend wasn't supposed to involve corpses.
Or a Felony or three.
Frankie had suggested she get something for Maura's hobbies.
Which wasn't actually a bad idea for a little brother who she remembered had once built bird wings out of cardboard pizza boxes and duct tape and tried to fly off a fire escape.
But Maura already had way too many weird running shoes, her kitchen was already outfitted for an episode of Chopped, and the only way Jane could get something nice for her art, history or cultural collections would be if she channeled Lara Croft or Indiana Jones.
And that didn't even go well for them so she'd wisely crossed that idea off, too.
Bass had suggested she get something for Maura's faithful tortoise companion.
But Jane suspected a little conflict of self-interest there.
Plus, she wasn't sure Maura would actually get the joke if Jane gave her that particular green jar of car wax. For being absolutely brilliant, sometimes that woman completely missed the really ordinary connections. And while that could be hilarious at times, it wouldn't be if it happened over a birthday present.
And since Jane had already decided years ago that she wasn't taking any of Tommy's suggestions because he was, well, pretty much a complete idiot, especially where it came to women, all of that effort meant Jane was right back where she started.
Meaning nowhere.
Jane groaned and stared up at her ceiling from where she lay sprawled across her couch.
"I could seriously use some help here. Just saying."
Her smartphone rang and she stared at the number and then gave an incredulous outraged look upwards.
"Really? You think I'm that hopeless that I have to have the birthday girl pick her own present?"
It rang again.
"Yeah, well, what if I just don't pick up?"
The ringtone kicked in and Chopin's 'Funeral March' started.
"You think you're so funny, don't you?" She sighed and gave in to the obviously inevitable. "Hey, Maura."
"Jane, where are you?"
She frowned, confused. "Uh, my place. Why? Am I supposed to be somewhere?"
"No. It's just that you left work without saying goodbye. I was worried."
Jane suddenly couldn't help smiling. That was pure Maura. Geeky, goofy, adorable and entirely sweet. "Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. I was just sort of . . . distracted."
"Is something wrong?"
She cringed. "Uh, not . . . yet?" She made a pleading negative gesture at the ceiling.
"Jane! Is this about what you are going to give me for my birthday again?"
Jane groaned and glared upwards. "Thanks!" She sulked. "I hate it when the Queen of the Dead and God talk to each other."
Maura's light laughter came through the phone. "Jane, I assure you that there is nothing of supernatural or divine origin about this. Although, I note that it would no doubt improve efficiency in the business sense given our corresponding professions, were it actually so. You always worry unduly about selecting my birthday and Christmas presents."
Jane threw an arm over her face in self-disgust and sighed soulfully. "It's really that obvious?"
"Jane, please don't take this the wrong way but you are a Rizzoli. There is nothing unobvious about you."
She snorted. "Thanks, Maura."
"You are welcome. Now, would you like to meet for dinner at the Robber?"
"Can I eat a burger?"
"Jane, your cholesterol-"
"Maura! I get shot at for a living. Why should cholesterol matter?"
"It will let you live long enough to get shot at for a living."
"Sometimes I hate it when you make sense." Jane huffed. "Aren't you supposed to be bribing me with the good stuff so I get you an awesome birthday present?"
"Jane, we've been over this. I will be pleased with whatever you choose to give me."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yes."
"Well, what if I give you, say . . . a dead cat?"
"Hmm, rather Edgar Allan Poe but it would allow me the fascinating opportunity to extend my autopsy techniques outside of the human realm."
"Huh. It's like you're a goth Pollyanna. Please?"
Maura sighed. "Will you join me on a morning run, Saturday?"
Jane made a terrible face. "I swear breathing in all that formaldehyde is doing something to you. Maura, Saturdays are for sleeping in."
"Jane, my formaldehyde use is actually quite limited and I take all necessary medical precautions. And since you will not be exercising, the Robber has a new edamame and mixed green salad which I am sure you will find is quite pleasant."
"Eda-what? Maura, I'm seriously going to make a rule that I don't eat anything that has stuff in it I can't pronounce!"
"Jane, I applaud your decision! Given the highly manufactured state of the standard fast food ingredient list this will drastically improve your-"
"And I take it back. What is an eda-thingy?"
"Edamame. They are immature soybeans that-"
Jane gave a martyred sigh. "Can we at least wait to run until after dawn this time?"
She could practically hear Maura's sudden impish smile over the line.
"And five minutes doesn't count, Maura!"
Maura laughed happily. "Fine! Meet me at my house a half hour after dawn."
Jane groaned. "Then I'm so eating fries, too."
"Very well. I will add an extra two miles to compensate."
"It's like you're my own personal karma incarnate."
"Jane! You're an adult; I can't actually make you cooperate without your consent."
"Funny. It's like you've never met my mother."
"Why, that is an excellent idea, Jane!"
"Oh, wait! I know what to get you for your birthday, now! I bet you'd absolutely love the entire Sharknado dvd set! We can have a marathon! You know, complete with eating Goldfish crackers and gummy sharks and drinking blue Kool-Aid to set the proper ambience! Then, when the fifth one comes out we can do it all again! Hey, but we'd have to remember to keep it all a secret, because I'm pretty sure Pike would love using it against you somehow. Don't worry though, I'm really, really, really good at keeping secrets that might somehow end up making my best friend utterly and completely miserable for the rest of her career."
There was absolute silence a moment, then: "Touché?"
Jane grinned wickedly. "Meet in twenty?"
"Agreed."
"Okay." She started to hang up.
"Jane?"
She laughed. "I wouldn't really do it, Maura!"
"Jane, I just wanted to tell you something."
She sobered and sat up a bit worried at the sudden almost nervous shift in Maura's tones. "Uh, yeah?"
There was a long pause on the other end of the line and Jane chewed her lower lip trying to be patient while Maura cleared her throat a bit. Then Maura's voice came through at last very quietly.
"Jane, I just wanted . . . to thank you . . . for always worrying about my birthday. And Christmas. It's good to have someone who . . . cares about me. I haven't . . . I haven't really had that before."
Jane's eyes saddened a bit knowing how hard that had been for Maura to say with all the years of familial and social loneliness that was behind that admission, but she had to smile gently at the uneasy awkward bravery in Maura's battered heart. "Hey, anytime, Maura," she rasped softly.
They were both quiet.
"It really doesn't matter what you give me for a present, Jane." Maura said at last.
Jane sighed. "And why not, Maura?"
Maura took a deep breath. "Because I already have you and you're the best gift anyone could have."