"Deadpool Makes a Baby"

DP is distraught from losing his girlfriend, and craving death, he answers a suicide mission classified ad that happens to be from The Shredder.

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"Can someone get the door?" April 's voice muffled through the main entrance to the Lair, a bank-vault type door. The sweetest, kindest, most beautiful redhead on Earth had an armful of pizzas and needed help.

"Pizza delivery!" Mikey boinged off the couch where he watched tv with his brothers.

Any normal New Yorker would have checked the peephole first.

Michelangelo's grin died.

April-cakes pointed a gun at the party dude. "I'm sorry."

A hollow-point to the skull would have been a grand master flash way to go, with brains and bone confetti scrambling all over the place. However, Michelangelo got shot in the plastron. He fell, scooting back on his shell with a lead pancake smoldering in his chest. He screamed, desperate to pry the red-hot disk off his body.

Weapons raised, Mikey's brothers jumped up. But, they couldn't help him.

A stranger, with a forty-five pointed at April's back, prodded the woman inside. He wore a full body, face-covering, red, leather suit and spoke from behind the sobbing redhead. "Whoa, he was right, you guys are hard to kill."

Michelangelo took the opportunity to scoot back to his brothers.

Reaching for the injured ninja, Donnie called to April. "It's okay, it's gonna be okay, April."

Leonardo and Raphael advanced, flanking left and right. Blue pointed his katana. "Let her go."

"You must be the funny one." The demon cocked the gun at the back of April's head. He swiveled his head back and forth between the two turtles stalking him. "Get back in line or she's dead."

Leonardo clenched his jaw and hung his head, his weapons clattered away. Blue turned shell. "I understand."

The stranger narrowed his zombie eyes.

Raphael spat before belting his sai and turning away. "Don't you fucking hurt her."

It was a direct hit. The redhead's body flew away from the impact. Two turtle shells crashed into each other, sandwiching a flesh bag between them. The body squelched as blood, fat, bone, and shit burst the seams of the man's body suit, effectively turning most of the left side of his body inside out. A blood pool widened and spread under feet, filling the cracks in the concrete.

Fused together in places with a sticky, mucus gore, Leo and Raph slipped around in chunky, red soup. They fell to their tails, kicking and scrambling in the muck.

April crawled to Mikey and pleaded for forgiveness.

Donnie braced in between the shells and pushed them apart. The man was an over easy egg puddled on the floor. Obviously dead, there was no way he should have been able to talk, yet he spoke. The last gasping bit of air left inside his flattened torso wheezed out the masked man. "Your fandom is what's really dying."

A disembodied, red-gloved hand revealed a grenade. Everybody screamed. A flash consumed the Lair.

Six months passed. Immortal flesh and bone rearranged putting its master back together again. Deadpool rolled up and stretched.

He screamed at the VW bus sized creature asleep at his feet.

All four brothers had combined into one giant Frankenstein mutant turtle. It was a miracle. Deadpool's death wish ended.

"My baby."