Vala felt her heart speed up. She could not see him yet, but just the sound of his voice coming around the corner had her tense with anticipation and dread. She swallowed and briefly closed her eyes, searching for her years of experience with deception. Act normal. Smile. Flirt. Keep moving. Whatever it took. Don't let him see you break.
Daniel was engrossed in the instructions he was giving a junior scientist on how the tablets from their last mission were to be cleansed. Maybe he wouldn't notice her. Just don't look into my eyes; I'm not very good at hiding this kind of emotion.
Daniel was fifteen feet away when he glanced up and saw her. He stopped mid-sentence and stiffened ever so slightly, his stride hesitating. She hated how obvious Daniel's desire to avoid her had become. He resumed his instructions and they just exchanged nods as they passed in the hall, each avoiding the other's eyes.
It was back. That dull pain under her heart. It wasn't fair. She hadn't done anything wrong. They were colleagues and yes, even friends and it seemed that Daniel was becoming more open to her, more relaxed. She would have sworn he was even pleased to see her when she walked through the door. She went to sleep at night happy, had wonderful dreams in which he starred, and then in the morning, she would bound out of bed eager to start her day, eager to learn of new things, see new places, and of course, see Daniel.
Then just a week ago, she walked through the door of the briefing room and their eyes met. His smile deepened and something sweet twisted next to her heart. She beamed back at him and then it happened. His eyes darted away. His face fell and a scowl appeared. He glanced back at her and it was as if he saw a stranger. Confused, Vala actually looked over her shoulder to see if someone was behind her. There was no one else.
She went to Daniel and asked him what was wrong. He just looked at her with such disappointment and said nothing was wrong. He turned away and opened his briefing packet, burying his head in the pages of information for tomorrow's mission. Before she could say anything more, General Landry came in and took his seat at the head of the table. The meeting started.
She took her seat and waited through the interminable discussion of ancient artifacts that could possibly be at their alpha site. All in all, Daniel's repeated forays into ancient history prolonged the explanations and instructions by at least an hour. He never looked at her the whole time. When the meeting finally concluded, Vala waited until the others left and attempted to speak to him again.
"Daniel, wait, please. Tell me what's wrong." Vala tried to help Daniel stack his books, but he just brushed her hands away.
"I told you, nothing is wrong." Daniel gathered up his pile of reference books and maps and turned to leave.
Following him to the door, Vala clutched his shoulder, "Stop, something is wrong. Daniel, I know you,"
Daniel froze in place, started shaking his head, and in a show of unprecedented temper, threw the books to the floor. Startled, Vala jumped back, speechless.
He wheeled back around to face her. Daniel kept shaking his head. His eyes narrowed and his lips compressed in a grim line. In a low, deliberate voice, edged with a growl, he said, "No, you don't. You don't know me. We barely talk. We don't spend time together outside of work. You don't know me, and I don't know you and that is all there is to it." He waved his arms, dismissing further arguments, and bent down to retrieve his books.
Vala was confused and hurt, "Daniel, I don't understand. What did I do?"
Daniel sighed and looked up. Sounding very weary he said, "Nothing. Nothing has changed. We just work together." He stood up and left without a glance back.
Vala found herself trembling and on the verge of tears. She desperately fled to her room, overwhelming grateful no one stopped to speak to her. She fumbled with her key card, not able to still her shaking hands. Finally, she was able to push open the door and fling herself on the bed. She wrapped her arms around a pillow and buried her face into it, muffling the first sob, and then the long keening wail that followed. Hot tears drenched the pillowcase and even as her weeping raged on, she railed against her actions
She did not cry. Crying was a luxury her life couldn't allow. Crying never fixed the problem, never paid the creditors, never changed fate's mind. It was a waste of time and a sure sign of weakness to her enemies. Life was hard and tears only ruined your make up.
However, since returning to the SGC, she hadn't needed to be so guarded. Each night she slept on the base, not with one eye open, but secure in her physical safety. She was trusted, (well mostly), had real friends who looked out for her, believed in her. She had goals and a position on a team that proved she belonged. Most of all, she had hope. A kind of hope that allowed her to wish and dream and plan for something glorious. Maybe she did deserve that kind of happiness; maybe she did not.
She cursed herself the fool. Silly, juvenile fantasies that Vala thought she had given up with a long ago fiancé. She punched the pillow she clutched. Why had she even entertained the thought that someone like Daniel would want to be with her? Even her own father believed she was better suited to life as a Goa'uld host. Her stepmother insisted no one but the gods could control her. Her whole village was certain something was still intrinsically wrong with her once freed from Qe'tesh. Vala only knew then that she didn't belong anywhere, with anyone. She embraced the freedom being alone could bring: her own rules, her own agenda, and no emotional ties to bring pain or frustration.
For ten years, she lived life on her own terms, hardening her heart to what she could not have and just pursuing the bright, the gilded, and the sparkling things that could still make her heart trip from their beauty. Then she stumbled across a group of people unlike any she knew before. There was something so very…hopeful…about them. A strength relying on trust and not fear. A man shackled, yet not beaten. She sought them out, not able to resist being around that again. Yesterday, she would have said she had become a part of them.
What had changed so drastically since yesterday? Yesterday she and Daniel were friends. She was not fantasizing. She could think of nothing that could have changed their relationship. She felt a spark of hope. Vala rolled over onto her back and stared at the ceiling. If she had done nothing different and Daniel had gone from friend to stranger, maybe if she just acted as if nothing was different, Daniel would go back to being friend. Exhausted, she fell into a deep dreamless slumber.
The next day Vala put her plan into action. Maintaining her outwardly cheerful façade was more difficult than she expected. Daniel still would not look her in the eyes and only spoke to her when it was directly mission related. He never lost his temper, never even got annoyed when she stacked his tablets in the wrong order. He was completely polite and impersonal. By the end of the day she felt tense and brittle, ready to shatter and break her mask of complacency. By sheer will, she held back. She acted normal, smiling and flirting with the team. Nothing has changed, she told herself.
That night, back on the base, she could not sleep. She just kept reliving the icy pain Daniel delivered simply by treating her as a stranger.
The week went on. On mission days, she acted like nothing was different. On the days in between, she eventually realized he was avoiding her. Their paths did not cross and the door to his office was always locked. She could have bypassed it, but at least now, she was still on the same team as Daniel. If she broke into his office, would she lose her position in SG1? She didn't want to take the chance.
After her third sleepless night, she went to the infirmary and got some sleeping pills. She wouldn't risk lives by being exhausted on mission. She got the rest she needed, but hated how the pills completely knocked her out. She did not even dream.
The trip through the gate was without incident and they had gotten back late in the evening, just a few hours earlier. She had eaten, showered, and tried to fall asleep without the aid of the sleeping pills, but could not. She was facing the facts that pretending nothing was different wasn't fixing anything. She changed into workout clothes, headed to the gym, and that is when she passed Daniel in the hallway.
Instead of running on the treadmill, Vala spent a few hours pummeling the different punching bags available. Her anger and hurt was a motivated trainer. Before she stopped, her hands were sore and her muscle aching. This time, after a hot shower, she felt asleep instantly and she dreamed.
It was that dream again. Even in her slumbering state, she recognized the irony of working herself into exhaustion to escape thinking about Daniel only to have the Daniel dream. The content of the dream constantly changed, but the startling lucidity of it combined with the familiar garden made Vala recognize it immediately. She had experienced this series of dreams every night over the past month, up until last week when she stopped sleeping. Her heart ached with the memories of them.
They were simple dreams and yet so very complicated. Vala would find herself walking alone through the garden paths. So large, the garden might have been likened to a park, complete with bridges leaping the babbling brooks. She would walk the garden alone, waiting until he found her. Sometimes he found her right away. Other times she wondered if she strolled the paths for hours.
In her earliest Daniel dreams, they would run into each other and Vala would flirt and tease while Daniel would explore the garden and try to learn its secrets. Invariably, in an effort to get his attention, Vala would pepper him with questions. Some he would answer, some he would ignore. Then one time, goaded by his lack of response, Vala broke the awareness barrier and shouted at Daniel, "Dammit, answer the question. This is a dream. Why won't you just talk to me?"
Daniel stopped his examination of a granite-like pedestal, stood up, brushed off his hands and knees and said, "Your right, this is a dream." Winding his arms around her, he captured her mouth in a soul-searing kiss. When it ended, Vala woke up.
The next night, she waited hours before Daniel arrived. When she saw him coming around the corner, she ran to him and leaped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. She whispered intimately in his ear, "Where were you? I missed you."
Daniel buried his face in her neck and inhaled her sweetly exotic scent. "I was working late." Vala stroked her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck and he felt the tense muscles loosen. He groaned and confessed, "I was an idiot." He cradled her face in his hands and nibbled on her lower lip before deepening the kiss. He traced the contours of her lips and then sought entry. He heard Vala lightly whimper.
Vala felt her head spinning as the kiss stretched on. When they broke apart for air, she woke up gasping and found her pulse still racing. She spent that day obsessively starring at Daniel's mouth. That night the dream came again.