Levels of Grief

Spoilers: Season 1, Season 2(Dream Logic 2x05), Season 3( All of It!).

Disclaimer: I don't own Fringe, wish I did...I'd rewrite all of Season 3.

Denial

Olivia sat there listening to him, wanting to believe he knew and also didn't know. She knew how less intense she was...she had been her. She knew how much she smiled...she had smiled that much and as for everything else...she couldn't say.

She wanted to deny everything, wanting to believe he knew her like she knew him...that he loved her enough to know the difference but he was too blind to know.

So she did the one thing she wanted, she denied it and said it was okay. She denied how he looked at her the entire case, as if questioning why she was acting different.

She denied it all till she pulled his shirt from the washer...his MIT shirt, the one they had shared a moment over. It ran in her head, that moment...of when he was helping her grieve over Charlie, who she had just lost again...this time with another friend because Lincoln didn't exist in her small world. She'd have to look him up to see who he was and what he did.

The knock at the door drew her from brushing her teeth and she headed to the hotel room door, knowing it was Peter with a thought or two on something. She opened it and the first thing out of his mouth was about her.

"I didn't wake you did I?"

She shook head and held up her tooth brush, allowing him in and headed to the bathroom to put it away as he looked around. She noticed his shirt on the way and chuckled.

"What?"

"Cute." She pointed to their shirts, "except in my case, I actually graduated. I'm guessing, uh, you bought yours to impress the girls?"

"Yeah, more or less."

That had made her fall apart, throwing the shirt aside before breaking down, he'd really slept with her alternate...shared everything that should have been HERS...the woman she had been had stolen everything from her.

She could have stolen her home, her job...everything but Peter...Peter was hers. He was her home, her real home. He was her friend and confidant, her partner and the one who hugged her when she was scared. He was the man she loved and he'd been taken by that bitch, everything had been taken from her...everything including the man she loved.

Anger

Olivia acted as if nothing was wrong but he still said nothing...acted as if nothing was wrong and it hurt. Finally when Barrett said he knew it wasn't Amanda because her eyes...that made her upset, the anger just boiled over.

She knew he'd try to find her and find her he did...when he tried to touch her shoulder she wanted to lean into it but she leaned away, not wanting to be touched by him. Peter had betrayed her, he should have known and he didn't.

"Olivia? Are you okay?" He sat down and she looked at him, it was if he didn't know. "What is it?"

That hurt, he didn't know what 'it' was? "You know what Barrett said? He said he looked into her eyes, and he knew it wasn't her."

"Olivia..."

He could try to explain it, she knew he was going to but she was so angry at that moment...so much part of her wanted to take him back to that world and leave him there without a way home. The other part, the huge part knew he didn't belong there because he belonged with her.

"I understand the facts. I know that she had reams of information about me and about my life and about the people that were close to me. And I understand that if she slipped up that she would have a completely reasonable explanation for it. And I guess to expect you to have seen past that is perhaps asking a little bit too much.

"But when I was over there, I thought about you. And you were just a figment of my imagination. But I held onto you, and it wasn't reasonable, and it wasn't logical, but I did it, so... why didn't you? She wasn't me. How could you not see that? Now she's everywhere." She felt as if everything wasn't hers...as if he wasn't hers anymore. "She's in my house, my job, my bed, and I don't want to wear my clothes anymore," she wanted to scream at him, demanding to know why he didn't know but all she could do was tell how she felt at that moment. "And I don't want to live in my apartment, and I don't want to be with you. She's taken everything."

She got up after that, barely hearing his admission of apology but she heard it and it made it worse because he sounded broken. It didn't matter, not anymore...

Bargaining

She came to the lab two days later and found Peter looking over files, actually he was organizing them and she noticed they were cases that had been worked on in her absence. He looked up only briefly and then back down, throwing the files out for her...as if saying 'here is what you missed, I hope you're happy' and continued on filing in the drawers this time.

"Peter," she shut the door, "we need to talk."

"No we talked," his voice was on edge, "or you did...I told you the truth Olivia. I could have kept it and said nothing," he turned to her. "My father wouldn't have said anything, Astrid wouldn't and Broyles sure as hell wouldn't have...you'd have never known but I told you because you needed truth not more lies. She took everything from me too...because all that matters to me, that that holds me here is you...she took what I thought WE had and threw it back in my face. After she did that, I tell you the truth and you throw it in my face...twice is one too many." He slammed the cabinet shut and she jumped.

"I'm sorry."

He shook his head, "sorry won't fix it on either fronts, we both know that. We'll just move on...work as best we can and hope I don't have to leave because I know you won't. I'm just the consultant but you're the agent...if anyone goes it would be me." He looked at her, "there's everything that was worked on in your absence...Broyles said to give it to you so there it is. Call me when we have a case."

"Can we..." she struggled, "can we find some way to go back to being friends?"

Peter looked at her and gently pushed her aside, "no...we work together, colleagues...maybe we'll get that friendship back but it will be a while. We'll just move on, saying nothing about the past two months...we both don't want that."

He left the office and Olivia wiped away the tears she knew he had seen but done nothing to comfort her...nothing to help her like he used to do.

Depression

For two months she didn't do anything if there wasn't a case, she sat home and cried and drank...that was it. If they had a case, she worked and worked and worked, barely talking to Peter and mostly going through Astrid.

The third month she came home to find Rachel and Ella at her new apartment door, waiting to be let in. She let them in and talked for a little bit...not even the little girl could cheer her up. She talked about the science set Peter had bought her for her birthday and the science club she had been too, how she wanted to be just like Uncle Peter and Uncle Walter.

For the first time in her life Olivia snapped at the girl, "he's not your uncle!"

Ella looked at her and shrank back, Rachel came out of the kitchen and looked at them. "Everything alright in here?"

"Aunt Liv is upset...she's mad at me for calling Peter my uncle." Ella looked at Olivia who just sat in the chair, "what's wrong with you Aunt Liv, why are you so upset."

She ignored Ella's question and left the living room, slamming the door to her bedroom behind her. Seconds later the door opened and Rachel entered, finding her laying on her bed curled up in a ball.

"Alright, what the hell is wrong with you? You're different...you've never hurt Ella's feelings and you've never been like this...you've barely spoken a word since we got here yesterday. You drank a full bottle of wine last night after Ella went to bed and you cried half the night. What's going on Liv?"

She just began crying and Rachel walked over, sitting on the bed and put a hand on her head. "He betrayed me...Peter betrayed me with another woman." She only cried harder, "I love him and he did this to me...acting as if it isn't hurting me."

She cried and cried, explaining what she could to Rachel about what happened, leaving the woman's identity a secret and where she really was...just on a case she said.

Finally after a while Olivia realized something, when Rachel asked a question. "Does he feel upset too? I know Peter, not like you do but enough...I know he must be feeling upset that he did this to you, second guessing himself now. Do you think he's feeling the same?"

She had never thought of it like that, that he was just as much a victim as she was. It made her wonder if he was...if that was why he was so angry with her. She wanted to ask him but how, he didn't want to see her. He was always out of the lab if she was there and very professional on the job, never talking about more then the case.

She knew Astrid planned on taking Walter shopping for Christmas the next morning so she'd head over to the house and talk to Peter...her only chance.

Acceptance

Olivia rang the doorbell, taking in the fact that it had been three months since she'd said she didn't want to be with him. She wondered what his life was like, she hadn't been to the house since before she left to get Peter. She knew absolutely nothing about his life or how he was handling the past three months.

The door opened to reveal Peter in sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt, "you have got to be kidding me? My phone is on, you could have just called to wake me up for a case."

She chuckled, remembering the first time they went through this. "Its not about a case, can I come in?"

He let her in and headed to the kitchen, it was obvious he was wide awake and hadn't been sleeping. Books were strung across the kitchen table with a notebook filled with mathematic equations and notes as well as the laptop...it looked like an online college course.

"You're taking online classes?"

"Just an exam, its not timed," he handed her a cup of coffee civilly and his voice wasn't on edge, actually soft. "I'm taking classes at Roxbury Community College for a Physical Science degree which will transfer to a university next semester."

She sighed and sat down, "so what are you studying or trying to study?"

"I'm trying to get my Graduate in Physics...Broyles is going to write me a letter for reacceptance to MIT plus with the fact Massive Dynamic gives them funding I can get in without being on the waitlist."

Olivia nodded, "I talked to Rachel last night...generalized things without getting into classified material but she asked me a question and I didn't think of it till then: Is he feeling the same?" She shook her head, "I thought about me and me alone...I didn't think about you and how you felt. I didn't see you as the victim...only that I was the victim."

"And now?"

"All I know is that I can accept everything that happened...as much as it hurts I can't expect you to know without proof. It's like science, you can't believe it till its proven. You can theorize it, you can hypothesize but you can't truly believe till there's proof of it. You didn't have any, not any solid proof...you had doubts, little things before you that could be easily explained away but it wasn't until you had proof that you could be sure. I understand that now and I accept it...I just want to know if there's still a chance for us because I was angry three months ago...just angry and I threw it on who I thought was responsible."

Peter looked at her, "so you lied?"

"I was easiest but yes it was a lie...I want to be with you, these past weeks I have felt so alone and I had no one there to help me. Every time I cried I wanted you to hold me, I wanted you to tell me it would be okay but you weren't there and it hurt." She looked at him, "I forgive you...now I hope you can forgive me for saying what I did, throwing it in your face again."

He smiled and leaned in the chair, cupping her face. Olivia leaned into the contact, "I was angry too when I said that...I forgave you the moment I saw your tears...because you were sorry, I saw that and ignored it. What hurts more is that I ignored these past few weeks where you'd go home and cry and drink...don't ask how I know, I just do...because I know you. I should have been there but I wasn't."

"It's okay, I'm here now...just tell me its not too late."

"Never." He leaned in and kissed her, Olivia smiled when he pulled back, "I'm here but we're going slow."

She nodded, "slow it is."

A/N: Next is the sequel 'Rebuilding Trust' and begins with a test Olivia gives Peter. It'll happen in one month incriments, first the test then a date and so on.