I know what they say about time. It's supposed to heal your wounds. Make your pain go away. It's supposed to make things easier. Smooth out your problems. As I see, time is supposed to be this great medication. Some pill that you take and slowly you feel better.
Everybody who has ever had their heart broken knows that, it doesn't work like that. Maybe some wounds will never heal. There is just a numb ache constantly in your chest. And the worst part is that you get use to it. You learn to live with the pain. After a while you don't even try to make it go away.
„So… We have plenty of options for today." A voice ripped me out of my thought. „There will be this party in Port Angeles. Kind of like a house party. I heard that Embry and Quil will go too. Are you interested?" Jake asked.
I hesitated a little. A house party? I have never been to a real party. But Jake has been so nice with me lately. Ever since that day...
„And I flung myself off the cliff.
I screamed as I dropped through the open air like a meteor, but it was a scream of exhilaration and not fear.
The wind resisted, trying vainly to fight the unconquerable gravity, pushing against me and twirling me in spirals like a rocket crashing to the earth.
Yes! The word echoed through my head as I sliced through the surface of the water. It was icy, colder than I'd feared, and yet the chill only added to the high.
I was proud of myself as I plunged deeper into the freezing black water. I hadn't had one moment of terror—just pure adrenaline. Really, the fall wasn't scary at all. Where was the challenge?
That was when the current caught me.
I'd been so preoccupied by the size of the cliffs, by the obvious danger of their high, sheer faces, that I hadn't worried at all about the dark water waiting. I never dreamed that the true menace was lurking far below me, under the heaving surf.
It felt like the waves were fighting over me, jerking me back and forth between them as if determined to share by pulling me into halves. I knew the right way to avoid a riptide: swim parallel to the beach rather than struggling for the shore. But the knowledge did me little good when I didn't know which way the shore was.
I couldn't even tell which way the surface was." (quote from New Moon)
And it all went black. I don't know how I got to the shore but suddenly I felt cold sand under my back. The wind was heavy and my clothes were wet. I sat up, coughing some water. I took a deep breath, and the cold air filled my aching lungs.
„What the hell were you thinking, Bella?!" I opened my eyes to that. Jacob was kneeling next to me looking terrified. „Cliff-diving in this weather? Have you lost it completely?" he practically shouted the words at me.
Jacob pulled me out. He must have seen me jumping too. I shut my eyes tightly. How could I be that stupid? I could have died today.
"God damn it, Bella! When I have seen you jumping I thought… What the hell did you think? If I haven't pulled you out you could have…" he bit off the end of the sentence.
The wind started to blow even more, and even colder and I shivered. „I'm so sorry, Jake" I said, and I felt tears roaming down my cheeks rapidly. I didn't know why I was crying. I have not cried in so long, but apparently a near death expercience was enough to bring it out.
I raised my hands to my face and tried to swipe away the tears with the sleeve of my shirt.
Jacobs eyes softened. He took a big breath, then bent down, and hugged me. I sobbed into his neck. Despite the freezing weather his skin was burning hot. Perks of being a werewolf. „You scared me so much" he whispered.
We stayed like that for a while, but after I calmed down a little bit, he pushed me away enough to look me in the eyes. „Let's get you in some dry clothes, okay? We have to talk. You can't keep doing this." He said as he shaked his head a little. „Come on."
He got up to his feet, and reached a hand for me. I got up as well, but I couldn't look at him. I felt ashamed. He saved my life, and there I was, a sobbing mess. I knew it deep in my heart: this has to change. I have to let go of this. And I have to let go of HIM. And my hallucinations about him. I cannot risk everything just to see it again.
The sea was still wild when we walk away from the beach. The waves now where so high that I could see now. It's a miracle I did not drown into it.
Jacob didn't say anything on the way back to their house, and I was fine with that. I kept my eyes on my feet as he put the key into the ignition and my cars engine came to life with a loud roar.
…
Once I took a hot shower and was dressed in one of Jacob's T-shirt – which was way too big for me – I was sitting on the couch with a cup of steaming hot tea.
It's crazy how much time I have spent in this house. When Jake and I did the motorcycles I used to spend a lot of time here. Billy always make sure I felt welcome.
But now, after all that happened, for the first time, I felt very uncomfortable having to sit here. I felt like a child, who knows she broke something, and just waits for her punishment. I knew that we were up to a very hard conversation.
Jacob. The boy who had helped me so much through the past few months. The boy who was always so cheerful and funny, and he always had a smile to offer was now sitting on the couch across me looking very serious. He stared into the fireplace thoughtfully, watching the flames dance as the fire slowly ate the logs in it.
I was the one that broke the silence. "Where is Billy?" My voice was quite but still a little husky.
Jake jumped a little as if he was in another place, and my question made him snap back into reality. "He is at Harry's with Charlie." He replied but still looked into the fire.
I guess I should have remembered that. The absence of Charlie was the main reason why I could think about cliff diving. That stupid idea. I sighed. "Jake" – I said but he didn't look at me. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking and …" I started but he cut into my speech.
"Why did you do it?" – He asked quietly, and looked at me into the eyes. "Tell me Bella. Where you trying to … kill yourself?" he seemed to be struggling while saying this as if the mere thought of me trying to end my life was painful to him.
"No!" I hurried with the answer to calm him, but it might have seemed like as if I was lying. I took a deep breath, "I would never do that with Charlie and you." I whispered.
He was quiet for a moment. "You did it because of him, right? You did it because if the Cullen guy" it started out as a question but ended as a simple statement.
I didn't know what to say. I did it because of him. I wanted to see him again. Should I tell this to Jake? Would he think I was going crazy?
I nodded silently while my eyes started to burned and I knew that if I'm going to speak, I will end up crying.
"After all this time?" he asked sadly. I didn't reply. "Bella, I wish I could help somehow. You cannot keep doing this. You can't give him this much power. Look," at this point he stood up and sat next to me. "I know it hurts. But he doesn't deserve it. You cannot let him ruin you. He was a selfish, arrogant bastard and …. "
"Stop it" I said loudly. I couldn't listen to him insulting him. It was sad how after all he did, I was still defensive of him "Don't say things like that about him. You didn't know him" I told him angrily. "There was nothing wrong with him. I was the problem; don't you see that? It was not his fault, that he couldn't love me…" I wanted to continue, but I started sobbing. I haven't talked about him, since he left.
Jake took my hands. "Bella, anyone who does not see how great you are is an idiot" he said slowly. I smiled sadly and shook my head but he continued. "But you need to move on. He is not going to come back. Not even if you jump of cliffs" he looked at me sharply. "Just please, let me make you feel better. Just let me be there for you. You have to try. For Charlie. And for your best friend of course." He smiled at me slightly.
"I just feel so hopeless, Jake." I whispered while looking down. "I don't feel like I can get better, and I don't want to drag you into this."
"I don't think this is any breaking news to you, but since I kind of saved you from death today, I think I might be already in the middle of it." He grinned, and I knew he was back to his original cheerful self. He reached for the TV remote. "So, what do we watch today? I heard there was this extreme sport channel, I think you might be interested in that." He teased me. """
That was almost four weeks ago.
And ever since that day, every day, he came over, and he always made sure we did something fun. Whether that was hiking or riding bikes or just watching some stupid comedy in the TV. He was always there for me, trying to cheer me up.
I was grateful, that he never went over the line, he never made me feel like he wanted to be more than friends, even though the whole town thought we were dating. I only needed a friend, and that's what he was.
I haven't seen any hallucination since I jumped of that cliff, and I have been really trying to get better – even if I wasn't really. I started talking with Charlie again, and not only if he asked questions. I think I really made him believe that I have gotten better. Obviously, I didn't mention him my cliff-diving experiments.
"Come on Belllla please, that party is gonna be lit" Jacob dragged me back into reality. We were sitting at my kitchen table, and planning the day.
"I don't know Jake. A party? You are not even eighteen, and surely at a party there will be a few… illegal things I suppose…" I started, but he just rolled his eyes.
"Again, with the age. Let me tell you, I look way older than you" he grinned at me. "Besides, I will not be drinking, since somebody has to drive us home, remember? On the other hand, what you drink, is none of my business." He winked and walked up to our fridge. He opened it and started to look for some food.
A party, I thought… That sounds like a normal 18-year-old will do. Charlie has been so happy about me not being a zombie anymore, that he would even encourage me to go.
"You know what, Jake? I wanna go." I said confidently, though I really didn't want to go. But Jacob saved my life, the least I could do is give him back a little.
"Damn right, you do" he bellowed as he pulled out his head of our fridge, his mouth full of something that seemed like our yesterday's pizza.
If I only knew what was going to happen at that party.