Actually, the full title is Dead Man's Chest: a Novelization; or Why Angie Isn't Allowed to Tell Her Little Sister Bedtime Stories. But that wouldn't fit.
And if you're wondering why this ficlet is rated higher then the movie? Well, there's a ton more language, (Because it's me and Sharice telling the story,) and because of the many slash references in it.
And the book Sharice and I are reading in this story, believe it or not, actually exists. And I quote directly from it. And yes, it actually is that stupid. Which is why I'm quoting it. XD
Enjoy!
"GODDAMMIT!!!" Angie screamed as she threw her controller at her welfare PlayStation 2 yet again. "GODDAMN GOLDEN DRAGON!! IT'S LIKE JACK WANTS US TO FAIL!!"
"Angie, it's just a game." Sharice said, "Besides, it didn't really happen, Jack's just making up the story."
"Well, could he have made up a better story then this!?!"
Christina, Angie's little sister was playing with her dolls, only very vaguely interested in Angie's rampage against "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Legend of Jack Sparrow." As far as Christina was concerned, Angie had lost her integrity after the twentieth time she muttered: "That wasn't in the movie…"
"Christina," her mother said, interrupting Batgirl and Sailor Moon's fight over Ken, "It's time for bed, why don't you ask your sister to tell you a bedtime story and get them away from that stupid game for two minutes.
Christina grinned and stood up. She bought, with her very own tooth fairy money, a novelization of "Dead Man's Chest: Grades 1 to 3." She, like her sister, had a huge crush on Orlando Bloom, and as long as her sister hadn't bagged him, she figured she still had a chance.
So she grabbed her book and rushed to her sister.
"Angie," she sang sweetly, holding her book in front of her. "Please read me a story? You haven't read to me in months."
"But… the dragon…" Angie said, pouting.
"I think we need a break Angie." Sharice said, and turned to Christina.
Christina grinned and handed her the book.
"Dead Man's Chest: The Chase is On." Sharice read out loud.
"Oh come on." Angie sighed, "That is so lame!"
"I want that one!" Christina cried, and crossed her arms in front of her chest.
Sharice opened the first page.
"Captain Jack Sparrow is a lucky man. He had cheated death- many times.
After eleven years, he had his ship, the Black Pearl back. But Jack's luck had just run out."
"Dun dun dun." Angie said.
Christina and Sharice gave her a synchronized look. Sharice turned the page and continued.
"Late one night, Bootstrap Bill came to Jack. Bootstrap Bill was the father of Will Turner."
"Just in case you were wondering." Angie interjected.
"Angie!!" Christina whined.
"But he was no longer human. Starfish clung to his face.
'Davy Jones sent me. You made a deal with him.' Bill said."
"Funny," Angie said. "In my bootleg copy of the movie, he doesn't say that."
"Shh!"
"This was not good news."
"No kidding." Angie said, rolling her eyes."
"'Any idea when Jones will release the beastie?' Jack asked."
"Bullshit!" Angie cried, pointing at the book. "Bill hasn't even mentioned the Kraken yet! Who the hell's in charge of continuity here?"
"FINE, ANGIE." Sharice screamed, slamming down the book. "Since YOU know SO frickin' much, why don't YOU tell the DAMN STORY."
"I will," Angie said with a pout, "and furthermore, my version's gonna be better then that piece of crap."
Christina sighed. Knowing how Angie's stories went, she'd get in bed around midnight. Maybe eleven, if she talked fast.
"Okay, Christina, here's what really happened." Angie said, opening her arms in a wide flourish. "It was an unusually rainy day…"
Someone had left Elizabeth's wedding cake out in the rain. She didn't think she could take it, 'cause it took so long to bake it, and she'll never have that recipe again.
"Oh no…" Elizabeth cried as she fell off the edge of the cliff. But this time, there was no Jack Sparrow around to save her, and she died and died and DIED.
"And that's how it went." Angie said, quite proudly. Sharice slapped her forehead and mumbled several choice curse words under her breath.
"Angie, that's not what happened!" Christina bellowed, stomping her foot.
"How do you know? You haven't seen the movie!" Angie said, sticking her tongue out.
"Yes I did." Christina said. "I watched your bootleg!"
"Shh!"
"Angie, tell it right!" Sharice said.
"Fine, fine." Angie said with a little sigh. "As I said, it was raining in Port Royal…"
Elizabeth, having next to no common sense whatsoever, was sitting out in the rain. Will had just left her at the alter. As it turns out, Will had a crush on Jack Sparrow, which completely and utterly explained why he was in denial about wanting to be a seaman.
"Is that really what happened, Angie?" Sharice asked.
"As I recall…" Angie trailed off.
"Oh… okay."
Suddenly, a whole bunch of Redcoats came with Will and arrested Elizabeth. They were escorted by a man named Lord Beckett. He pulled out a list of charges.
"Let's see," he said, and pointed a long crooked finger at Elizabeth. "You are under arrest for generally being an annoying stupid whore. 'Throw the weapons off the ship!' What the hell is that?"
Beckett then turned to Will. "You are under arrest for the stick perpetually up your ass. And Norrington too, but that's only a minor part of the plot, and won't come into play until later."
"You can't do this! I'm rich!" Elizabeth cried.
"I concur!" said her father.
"Sorry." Beckett said. "I'm just doing my job, advancing the plot. You know the score. Take them away."
"Angie, I'm not sure that's what happened." Sharice said with a frown.
"Well, you have to admit, it's much more interesting then what really happened."
Sharice inclined her head. "Yeah, actually, it is."
"Keep going!" Christina said.
"Okay," Angie said, taking a deep breath. "So all you really need to know is that Beckett told Will to get Jack's compass and bring it to him, and he and Elizabeth would get off. Not," Angie added, giving Sharice a look. "Like that."
Jack was on the Black Pearl, drinking his life away, and wishing he had Will there to "comfort" him…
"If you know what I mean," Angie said with a wink."
…when suddenly, the rum ran out. Figuring that going down to the rum cellar the ship apparently had was a better alternative to drinking his own urine, he headed down there and saw, to his surprise, Bootstrap Bill!
Well, it had been eleven years, so Jack and Bill had a nice long bang, for old times' sake.
"OH MY GOD! EW!" Sharice screamed, smacking Angie in the shoulder. "That is sooo not what happened! Thank god! That's just gross!"
"Well, come on! It COULD have happened that way. You know Bill totally wants it!" Angie said, rubbing her shoulder.
"What's a bang?" Christina asked, looking a little bit puzzled.
Angie patted Christina on the head, suddenly in teacher mode. "You see Christina, when a pirate and a barnacle love each other very much, they go down to the rum cellar and…"
"Don't even." Sharice warned.
Bootstrap Bill told Jack that he didn't have long to enjoy his freedom. Davy Jones was coming for him. He took Jack's hand and left a mark on it. The Black Spot, the mark of death.
Jack Sparrow completely freaked out and ran away to the Island of Cannibals. There, he declared himself chieftain and ate them all, in the good way.
"ANGIE THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!" Sharice screamed, smacking Angie again.
"What's a gangbang?" Christina asked.
"You see Christina, when a pirate and a bunch of human flesh eating cannibals love each other very much, they recline the seat back and…"
"Angie! Knock it off!" Sharice said again. "Let me tell the story. You're not doing it right."
Will came and rescued the crew and Jack from the Island of Cannibals in a comical sequence that was about ten minutes longer then the audience's interest in said sequence. Later, he cornered Jack on the Black Pearl to try and barter for the compass.
"I'll tell you what," Jack said, "I'll trade you the compass if you blow me."
Will agreed, and he did, and everyone lived happily ever after.
Angie now had a huge lump on the back of her head from Sharice's Starbuck's Frappuccino smashing into it.
"STOP INTERRUPTING ME!!!" Sharice screamed.
"Okay, okay…" Angie said, rubbing the lump gingerly.
"I don't get you guys." Christina muttered.
"Anyways, Jack made a deal with Will…"
"Find me this key…" Jack said, pointing to a dingy cloth, "…and I will give you the compass."
"This key is going to save Elizabeth?" Will asked, looking a little confused.
"How much do you know about Davy Jones?" Jack asked seriously.
Will shook his head. "Not much."
"Yeah, the key is going to save Elizabeth."
"My version was better." Angie whispered to Christina.
Sharice gave Angie a look and continued.
"But Jack didn't know where the key was, so he went to Tia Dalma's house to ask about it…"
"You…" Tia Dalma said, picking out Will from all the other pirates, "you have a touch of destiny about you…"
"Do I know you?" Will asked, backing away slightly.
"No, but I know you, Will Turner." She replied with a smile, stroking his cheek almost lovingly.
Jack, cringing in the back, stepped forward and separated them.
"There'll be no knowing here." He said, wrapping his arms around Tia Dalma's shoulders. "I thought you knew me." He added, sounding a little hurt.
"Don't think I've forgotten Jack Sparrow. You still owe me from last time." Tia said.
"Well, I think I can make it up to you." Jack said with a wink.
"Oh, come on." Angie shrieked. "Now who's making up stuff?"
"Well, Tia Dalma's hot…" Sharice said, sticking out her tongue. "I'd bang her."
Angie gave a thoughtful look. "Me too, actually."
"My story?" Christina asked impatiently.
Angie and Sharice shrugged.
"The rest of that scene isn't really that important, is it?" Angie asked.
"Not really. All you really need to know is Tia tells Jack where to find the key, and gives him a jar of dirt."
"Dirt?" Christina asked.
"Well, yeah. The dirt is supposed to protect him from Davy Jones." Sharice explained.
Angie snorted. "For all the good that did."
Sharice glared at Angie, who shrank down, fearing another Frappuccino blow to the head.
Will snuck aboard the Flying Dutchman, hell bent on getting that key. Jack watched anxiously back on the Pearl.
Before long, Will was attacked by Davy Jones and his crew of mutilated seamen. Will's not so good by himself, so he got knocked out early.
Jack managed to make a deal with Jones. For the low price of 100 souls, Jones would let Jack go free. But Jones kept Will as a down payment. Jack left immediately for Tortuga and his 100 souls.
"You know," Angie said with a pout, "Jack could have tried a little bit harder to save Will. Just a little."
"You're just saying that 'cause you wanna bang him." Sharice said drolly.
"True enough. But even still."
"I don't think Jack really wanted to hurt Will." Christina put in. "He just couldn't do anything right then."
"Yeah." Angie said with a wistful smile. "Man, that would make a great yaoi fic!"
"You and your yaoi." Sharice said, with a shake of her head.
"What happens next?" Christina asked eagerly.
"Well, Elizabeth manages to hack 'n' slash her way back into it." Angie replied with a frown.
"Whore." Angie and Sharice said at the same time, looking at each other with a grin.
"But that's not really important." Sharice said.
"All you really need to know is she manages to get her skank ass on the compass and finds the damn chest." Angie said.
"Of course, that leaves out a huge chunk of the story." Sharice said with a frown.
"Do you really wanna waste valuable gaming time on her?" Angie asked.
"Good point."
Elizabeth was pacing the island trying to figure out how the compass worked, wasting pretty much everyone's valuable time and making movie-goers groan in the process.
"It's not working!" she whined, throwing herself to the ground in one of her annoying temper tantrums. "It doesn't lead you to what you want, and we're in no way closer to finding Will!"
Jack, who was busy considering a way out of the misery of listening to her bitch-fit, realized that the idiot was sitting right on top of the chest.
"Move, bitch!" he ordered, landing a artfully delivered pimp slap to the back of her head, and knocking her flat chested fat ass out of the way.
Jack handed a shovel to Norrington, who up to this point had been wandering in the background puking his guts out, as that seemed to be the man's current trademark.
"Dig." Jack instructed.
Jack then skipped away to go meditate or something.
"Angie, quit making stuff up." Christina said with a scowl.
"Actually," Sharice interjected, "that really did happen."
Angie stuck her tongue out and continued. "By now, Will had already found the key and was swimming his way to the island."
"Angie…" Christina warned.
"Actually, that also happened."
Christina rolled her eyes. "Fine I give up."
Angie patted her sister on the back. "Relax, kiddo." She said with a smile. "It only gets better."
While Jack was meditating and considering ways to get himself immortalized in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland, Will climbed out of the ocean onto the shores.
"Will!" Elizabeth shrieked and threw her arms around Will. "You're alright!"
"Yeah…" he said, gingerly pushing her away. Then he looked at Jack. "No thanks to you."
Thus begins the longest, least amusing cat fight in the history of Disney movies. Elizabeth, of course, managed to make herself useful by throwing rocks at Jack and Will and pretending to pass out from the heat. Evidently, her strategies have not evolved much since the first movie. "Throw the weapons off the ship." My ass.
"Wait wait wait!!" Sharice cried.
"What?" Angie asked, in the middle of making scary faces at her little sister, who merely rolled her eyes.
"We're getting to that part." Sharice said a bit urgently.
"What part?" Angie asked, making the face of a cow staring into the headlights of an oncoming train.
"The part where… you know…" Sharice said with a pout.
"Oh…" Angie said, and looked back at her sister. Christina looked back, a hopeful look in her brown eyes.
"AND THEN EVERYONE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER THE END. Now let's get back to our game."
"Wait a minute!" Christina yelled, stomping her foot. "What about the chest? What about Will and Jack and Norrington fighting? What about Davy Jones? He's almost caught up with them! And what about Elizabeth ? Does she die like you're always saying?"
Angie and Sharice exchanged a look, and looked back at Christina.
"Jack," Will said, a smile on his lips, "I think I know a way to solve our predicament."
Will whispered a few things into Jack's ear, and Jack looked back, a smile also on his lips. "Good idea Will."
Later on board the Pearl, Jack and Will were waving to Elizabeth and Norrington, now trapped on the Flying Dutchman. Davy Jones had the chest, and was looking quite pleased with himself looking over his "booty."
"Nice doing business with you Jack!" Davy Jones called out.
"Anytime, Jones!" Jack said with a grin. Call me, he mouthed and made a phone with his hands.
"Sorry Elizabeth!" Will shouted. "But knowing what a whore you are, I don't think it would've worked out!"
"You can't do this to me! I'm Elizabeth fucking Swann! I practically own all your asses!" She cried out as the Dutchman pulled away.
Jack and Will exchanged loving glances as they proceeded to make out into the sunset, and then into the ending credits.
THE END
Christina had fallen asleep by now. Sharice and Angie watched her with a smile on their faces.
"She's so much cuter this way." Angie remarked.
"Totally." Sharice agreed. "Angie, when are you going to tell Christina what really happened?
Angie shrugged. "When she turns thirty-one."
"Ah."
And so, Angie and Sharice returned to their video game, knowing in their heart of hearts, Angie was never gonna tell Christina the truth. Even if she had already watched Angie's bootleg copy.