Disclaimer- I, unfortunately, am in no way related to Tolkien, so I don't get to own Lord of the Rings. WAIT! I just thought of something. That means that I can steal it! That is so much better.
AN: This all started because Paige didn't take me seriously when I asked her who she wanted to marry, Will Turner or Captain Jack. It might be a good idea to watch Pirates of the Caribbean. My teacher gave me this idea. It was supposed to be three pages long, but it ended up being like eight. Isn't that wonderful? I like squiggly lines, okay? I don't have a problem, me and Jimmy Bob are going to start making insults. I'm not a schizophrenic, is that what you are implying? I like sugar, and this is getting really, really, really long. SUGAR RULEZ!!!
Here come the Pirates
My ship had been out to sea for three months, we were tired and ready to sight land. What we did site was the Jolly Roger!
Oh crap," I sighed. What do they want now? All hands on deck! They're heading towards our starboard side!" I walked over to the side, ready for them to come aboard, but before I can tell you that story I have to tell you this one.
Three months earlier…
Irwin came and did his whole jumping-knocking thing. Fairy Princess (formerly known as Jacob) and I came outside to see what he wanted.
Fairy Princess, you and I are going to take over the Americas. Trisha, you are going to take a ship over to Europe, and take that over. Once Europe is taken, wait for Fairy Princess and I to get there with reinforcements. Russia has proved an unbreakable force in the past, but together we can take it."
Wait," I said. I don't want to start a war. Can't we just bribe and blackmail all the leaders?''
I suppose." Irwin replied, stroking his chin. But anyway, come with me and we'll pick you out a ship…
So here I am, standing on the starboard side of the Leggy. She's a good ship, but she might just get a hole blasted in the side of her.
What're we gonna do, Cap'n Trisher," asked Paige.
I'm scared!'' screamed Jim (he is in no way related to Jimmy Bob, who just wanted me to tell you that he isn't related to any sissies like that), as he ran around the deck in circles. Ann was crouching in a corner with everyone else (with the exception of Paige), too scared to move.
The captain of the other ship, the Black Pearl, was Jack Sparrow. He walked up to me, closely followed by Will Turner. Paige fainted (she thought they were really hot, that's why).
Hello, Captain Jack. What do you want?" I asked wearily.
What's this?" he said. I thought every captain of every ship was afraid of the Black Pearl. You are odd."
I get that a lot." I replied. So, what do you want?"
I want to know the whereabouts of Irwin Shiggles," he demanded.
Why," I asked politely, do you want to know that?"
He stole elements from me in order to make his evil ray! I need it from him!" Captain Jack yelled. If you don't tell me then I'll take this one here." He pointed to Paige, who had woken up and fainted again.
Take her,'' I told him. I'm sure she'd love it. Take some of this rum, too. My crew is getting drunk off of it.'' Captain Jack looked at me, his eyes as big as golf balls. In fact, why don't you follow us? That would scare off all of the other ships trying to stop me. As soon as we take over Europe, Irwin's supposed to come with reinforcements, so you can find him here.''
Okay,'' said Jack. Will do. Just get the rum out of the hold, and we'll get her-''he pointed to Paige-onto my ship." I ordered Jim to go into the hold, but he wouldn't go because he said, EWW! There're icky spiders and mices down there!''
Fine,'' I replied wearily, go make Patrick do it.'' All went well until it came to getting Paige onto the other boat. She was sleeping, and kicking.
OH MY GOD! IT'S CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!'' Paige had woken up right when they were carrying her to the Black Pearl. She jumped up – and fell right into the Atlantic Ocean.
I'll save you, Paige!'' shouted Will, jumping in with a life preserver. Don't you worry! I'm coming for you!" So Will jumped in and put the life preserver around Paige. Captain Jack Sparrow started to climb down on a rope, while I dove in head first to save my friend, screaming, I'm gonna save ya Paigey! I'm gonna save ya! You're not gonna die before me!" That was pretty stupid, considering I can't swim. Will and Jack got to her. They grabbed her and pulled her up, onto their ship leaving me thrashing about in the water.
Help!" Where's my crew! Get your insert swear words down here now! HELP-glub, glub-!" Ann and Jim dropped the row boat to get me. They pulled me, spitting water back into the ocean, on board.
That," I gasped, was embarrassing." I just realized that everyone on the Leggy was laughing at me. I'm your captain! I can kick you off my ship you insert nasty swear words!" That made them quiet down.
Meanwhile, on the Black Pearl…
Paige was sitting on deck watching everybody and asking stupid questions. Why is your hair that color?" she asked one of the crew members. Is it because you were too dense to get into a respectable college? It is acceptable, I am already thirteen and I still have not gotten into Harvard. Nevertheless, of course, I am only here to assist Trisher in conquering Europe. They are too unintelligent to defend themselves. As long as Irwin keeps the American president content, he won't try to stop us…" As usual, Paige couldn't stop talking once she started. I want some rum. Where's the rum? Why can't anyone get their precious guest of honor some rum?" I heard and saw all of this while standing on my ship, which was a good twenty feet away. Captain Jack came out of his cabin and started yelling at his crew to get Paige some rum. Then he threw a knife, which hit the mast, sending all of the crew scurrying about. Yes, just like mice. You got a problem with that? A crew member came out of the hold, carrying a large barrel of rum.
Here's some rum for our guest of honor," he said mockingly, then Paige took the rum and pushed him overboard.
No one, " she stated, mocks me. Now get me a cup to put this rum in…"
Several minutes and cupfuls of rum later….
Paige, Jack, and Will were dancing and singing Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!," and none of them looked very drunk. I hopped over to the Black Pearl. Yes, hopped. Dibbit! It's my story and I can do what I want. You're gonna make me mad. Well, anyway, Jack and Will bent down on one knee and then- a man fell out of the sky!
OMG!" Paige screamed. THE SKY IS FALLING!" She started running around in circles. As it turned out, it was Faramir who fell onto a conveniently placed mattress filled with goose down. I ran over to him and noticed that he had a ring box in his hand. He sat up and blinked.
Where the hell am?" he asked slowly. Where's Eowyn? I was just about to propose, then one of those gay hobbits pushed me into a hole, and then I didn't stop falling, and- now my back hurts-" he pointed to his butt -and so does my butt."
Okay," I said slowly. Would you shut up? I don't care that your back hurts. Why don't you go-" All of a sudden Paige ran up to Faramir and threw her arms around his neck in a big hug, nearly suffocating the poor man.
Oh Faramir!" she yelled. I'm your biggest fan! I hope you know I give you an air hug every day! I have dozens of pictures of you hanging on my walls! I just love you!"
I love you too!" Faramir said. I'm your biggest fan! You're the one who writes all those nice stories about my brother and I! I'd rather marry you than Eowyn!" He pulled out a ring box and got down on one knee, and asked Will you marry me, Paige?"
OK!" Paige replied happily. She was jumping up and down with a big smile on her face. I could tell she had dreamed about this day since she watched the Two Towers.
Paige ran over to me and yelled, OMG, TRISHER! I'M ENGAGED! AND GUESS TO WHO!"
Is it Faramir?" I asked, but she didn't catch the sarcasm in my voice.
OMG!" she yelled in a high pitched voice. You're psychic! Can you tell me my future? Wait, I don't need my fortune told! I already know it-" then she fainted. Five seconds later she sat up and said, Where the hell am I?" in her normal tone of voice.
AN: This is very amusing for me. Flame me, I don't care. That way Man-lady (that's what Galadriel's name means) will have some heat. You probably think that I'm cruel because I lock her up in my closet and only feed her butter, but she's way to skinny! Plus she really depresses the Fellowship, and depression isn't a good thing! No it's not, is it Jimmy Bob?