You say I don't own any X-Men Evolution Characters or GI Joe ones? You're right. I don't. This is just another mad one shot running through my head. Which was inspired by a fun little e-mail I read.
You Don't Say
"Now class," Ororo was teaching history to the entire X-Men class. "It's time to get out your history books."
"Hey there!" Shipwreck sauntered with the Misfits behind him.
"And throw them right here," Ororo pointed to Shipwreck. "Shipwreck what are all of you doing here? I am trying to teach a class here."
"Well go right ahead," Shipwreck told her. "And as long as you're doing that maybe you can teach my kids too."
"I'd love to teach you a lesson right now," Ororo glared as the Misfits took some seats.
"At least they came at a good time," Ray said to Roberto. "History is so boring."
"History isn't boring," Shipwreck overheard him. "History classes are boring!"
"There's a difference?" Fred took out a container, which held a small casserole dish.
"Blob no eating in class!" Ororo sighed.
"That's right," Shipwreck grabbed it from him and placed it on Ororo's desk. "Here. Enjoy…"
"That's not what I meant," Ororo told him.
"I know but I thought you could use something to eat," Shipwreck shrugged. "You look thin."
"I do?" Ororo blinked.
"He knows she's been dieting the past two days hasn't she?" Kurt whispered to Todd.
"Oh yeah," Todd nodded.
"I am hungry," Ororo admitted as she looked at it. "It does look good. What is it?"
"Shipwreck's Surprise Stew," Shipwreck grinned. "And it's still warm."
"It should be," Fred grumbled. "Angelica warmed it up for me."
"You eat, I'll teach!" Shipwreck grinned.
"This will be a short class," Rogue said.
"Gather 'round kids! Cause I know some fun facts about history!" Shipwreck called out. "Let's talk about life in the 1500's!"
"Let's not and say we did," Pietro called out.
"Okay first," Shipwreck began. "Most people took their baths once a year in May and by June they still smelled relatively good."
"Sounds like Toad back in his non bathing days," Pietro snickered.
"You all know very well that I have a gland condition," Todd bristled. "You don't complain when Fuzzball here clogs up the drain with his fur."
"Actually we do," Roberto told him.
"You wouldn't believe the plumber's bills we get," Bobby added.
"Between him and Beast they could make five mutants," Tim remarked.
"Hey! We need to shed in warm weather!" Kurt glared. "You try wearing a fur coat all through the summer and see how you deal with it!"
"Anyway," Shipwreck continued. "June was usually the month that people got married in. However since a lot of brides were starting to smell a little they carried a bouquet to cover it up."
"So that's where the custom of brides carrying bouquets came from," Amara said.
"You got it," Shipwreck nodded. "Here's another interesting fact, usually it was the custom of the man of the house to get a tub of clean water to wash in first…Unless he had a shrew of a wife but you get the picture. Then the other males of the house would use that water to clean themselves, then the womenfolk and finally the kids and the babies."
"Ewwwww…" Kitty winced.
"Yeah," Shipwreck said. "As you can imagine it was pretty disgusting. In fact the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it if you weren't careful. Especially if they couldn't talk or anything. That's where the expression 'Don't throw the Baby out with the bath water.'"
"You read all this on the Internet didn't you?" Ororo gave him a look.
"What do you think?" Lance asked her.
"Now the houses in those days were all thatched with straw piled so high," Shipwreck strutted in front of the class, truly impressed with his knowledge. "And their was no wood underneath. It was a favorite place for all the family pets because they could get warm. When it rained it got slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, it's raining cats and dogs."
"You're kidding?" Amara blinked.
"Honest truth," Shipwreck said.
"That'll be a first," Althea remarked.
"Not to mention a lot of other things fell through the house," Shipwreck continued. "Bugs and a lot of unpleasant things. So people put up sheets on their beds to protect them. That's where canopy beds come from."
'That I knew," Amara admitted. "Here's a travel tip, avoid Nova Roma during locust season."
"The rest of the house wasn't so great either," Shipwreck continued. "The floors were almost always made of dirt. Only rich people could afford to put boards or slate down. That's where the saying 'dirt poor' comes from. Now usually the wealthy put in slate floors but they got mighty wet during the rain so they spread fresh straw on the floor. The straw was called thresh and in order to keep it from sliding out of the house during a rainstorm, a piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. And that we call a threshold."
"Speaking of thresholds…" Ororo sighed. "How much longer are you going to annoy us today?"
"Now in those days they cooked everything in one big pot over a fire," Shipwreck went on. "Every day they lit the fire in order to keep things warm. They ate mostly vegetables and not much meat. Sometimes if they could get meat, particularly pork it was a special occasion or a sign of status. Some people would go so far as to nail a piece of bacon to show off to the neighbors. It proved that a man was wealthy enough to bring home the bacon…"
"Not to mention when they had guests come over they sat around and chewed the fat," Fred continued. Everyone looked at him. "I read stuff on the Internet too."
"I don't know how much more of these puns I can take," Ray groaned.
"Leftovers lasted a long time in that pot," Fred went on. "Sometimes it was made into a porridge that lasted for days. That's where the rhyme comes from. You know, peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold…"
"Peas porridge in the pot nine days old…" The other students groaned.
"Boy, we're really getting an education today," Sam said.
"Unfortunately it's not the kind I was planning on," Ororo sighed as she ate.
"Hey! I'm teaching here!" Shipwreck glared at Fred. "Anyway, those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content, like tomatoes, caused some of the lead to leech onto the food. This caused lead poisoning death and as a result for about 400 years most people thought tomatoes were poisonous."
"That's one foul fruit," Pietro said.
"It's not a fruit, Pietro," Sam said. "Trust me I know. I lived on a farm."
"It's a fruit Cannonball," Pietro said. "Trust me, I know these things."
"Anybody wanna take that joke?" Lance called out. "It's way too easy for me!"
"Well we all know who exactly is way too easy around here," Fred grinned. "Oh wait, Jean's not in the room. Never mind."
"Fruit!" Pietro snapped.
"Vegetable!" Sam snapped back.
"Actually you're both right. The tomato is a fruit but it has been legally classified as a vegetable in the United States," Fred told them.
"Figures Blob would know that," Ray grumbled.
"Let's face it," Lance said. "When it comes to food, Blob's the expert."
"Gee, I never would have guessed," Pietro mocked.
"If I may continue here?" Shipwreck gave them a look. "Bread was divided according to status. The workers got the burnt bottom or the crumbs…"
"Pretty much the same as it is today," Lance interrupted.
"The family got the middle and the guests and the wealthy got the top or the upper crust," Shipwreck continued. "They also drank a lot of ale and whisky. Unfortunately they usually drank it in lead cups and the combination would knock people out for several days."
"Just like BA's coffee," Xi remarked.
"Or Kitty's cooking," Kurt added.
"People would find these drunks passed out on the side of the road and would mistake them for being dead," Shipwreck went on. "But just to be on the safe side they would lay them out on the kitchen table for a few days in case they woke up. And the family would hang around and drink and party to see if they would come to. If they did, they'd have a party. If they didn't well, then they'd fight over the will or something. That's where the custom of having a wake comes from."
"What if they couldn't find a dead person's family? Or they didn't have one?" Rina asked.
"Maybe they just did what we used to do at the Brotherhood House?" Todd shrugged. "We'd find a dead animal on the side of the road and have a party anyway."
"You mean you people went looking for dead animals so you have a party?" Doug looked at them.
"Sometimes yes," Lance sighed. "Let's just say money was tight back then and we didn't let a lot of things go to waste."
"Ewww…" Amara wrinkled her nose. "That's disgusting."
"It wasn't all bad," Tabitha said. "I have to admit Freddy does make a very good squirrel casserole."
"Is that what we ate last night?" Angelica blanched. "You could have warned me before I asked for seconds!"
"Well as for the dead people question," Shipwreck interrupted. "Let's just say that there wasn't a lot of room in cemeteries and they had to re-use the coffins. And about 1 out of 25 had claw marks…from the inside."
"So that's where they came up with the idea of a designated non drinker?" Fred scratched his head. "You know one guy to make sure nobody was buried alive."
"Actually what they did was to tie a string around the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and outside to the ground where they'd tie the other end to a bell," Shipwreck said. "Then they'd send some poor flunky to sit out in the graveyard all night with a shovel to listen for the bell just in case. They'd call that…"
"The graveyard shift…" The students said as one.
"Yeah and it worked a few times so some people were literally saved by the bell," Shipwreck grinned. "Or was considered…a dead ringer."
"Ooohhhh!" Everyone groaned as one.
"Now do you think history is boring?" Shipwreck asked.
"I think ignorance is bliss," Rogue moaned.
"Then the Misfits must be the happiest people on the planet," Ororo picked at her salad. "Shipwreck what kind of meat is in this stew?"
"Uhhhh…Leftovers," Shipwreck said.
"Leftover from what?" Ororo glared at him.
"We're not quite sure," Fred remarked. "But whatever it was it was awfully furry and too big to be a rat. Which was weird cause we found it in this mouse hole and…"
"SHIPWRECK!" Ororo screamed and her eyes started to glow.
"Oh come on, meat is meat!" Shipwreck said. "And we had it checked out for poison so…"
"And here comes the surprise…" Lance drawled as Ororo zapped Shipwreck.
"Well for Shipwreck anyway," Wanda shook her head. "He never learns does he?"
"Nope," Todd agreed. "Hey that saying is right. Those who don't learn from history are condemned to repeat it."
"I had to repeat history," Fred remarked. "Actually I had to repeat the third grade a couple times. And the fourth grade. Come to think of it…"
"You know one of these days we are actually going to learn something in this school!" Kitty rolled her eyes.
"Hopefully it will be how to hide from the Misfits," Bobby agreed.