Disclaimer: IDOM
Hi guy's! So, um, quite a bit of you asked for a continuation of/companion to 'Letters From the Past' in 'A Sparkle of Starlight,' and well, this happened. *sheepish grin* It was supposed to be short; it didn't want to be - at all. ;) It just sort of happened. It's way over 4,000 words long, which I thought was too long to have in my one-shot collection, so it's posted separately. I can't remember what else I had to say... That stinks... Eh, there'll be more at the bottom. :D
Special thanks to CaptainOzone for pre-reading/beta-ing this! Though, if there are any spelling/errors, I apologize. :) I might have added some things after she checked it. XD
Onwards!
Arthur was waiting for him when he finally got home hours later.
Merlin stuck his key into the lock for the apartment he, Arthur, Gwen, and Gwaine shared since they'd gotten their memories back and was rewarded when he turned the key to the right and heard the lock give way. He twisted it back to the left, pulled the old key out, and pushed the heavy wooden door open. Merlin stepped through the threshold of the door, glad to be out of the cold and lamp-lit streets. He shut the door behind him and shivered at the sudden change of temperature.
He heard the wood creak beneath his feet and found himself in near darkness. He flipped on the hallway light with his right hand and set his warm package down with his right. "I picked up some pizzas on the way back," he called. "Sorry I'm late; I had to sub in for someone."
When he didn't receive and answer, suspicion started to nag at him, and his eyebrows came together. He hung up his black trench coat and put his indigo colored scarf on the same hook. He took a mental note that Gwaine and Gwen's jackets were gone from their usual hooks, but Arthur's was still there.
Cautiously and quietly, he took off his shoes and crept down the hall. He questioned whether he should be quieter than he was being with the groaning floorboards beneath his feet and his rubbing denim jeans, but there hadn't yet been a reason to think it was danger that kept anyone from replying.
"Arthur?"
He neared the light he'd seen at the end of the hallway, and when he finally did reach the point where the corridor gave way to the large living room, he found Arthur sitting with his back to him in an old leather armchair with only a desk lamp at his right to illuminate the room, which cast most of it in deep shadow.
He didn't turn when he replied, and the warlock heard the shuffling of papers. "Hey, Merlin."
The former servant let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, and a smile spread across his young face as he rolled his tanzanite blue eyes. His hand relaxed, and then Merlin felt a small pain from where his keys had been digging into his skin. "Geez, Arthur, could you be any more eerie? I thought something might have happened."
He walked back down the hallway and snatched the pizzas from off the side table, throwing his keys into the small woven bowl he usually kept them in. Merlin walked back towards the light and lit a few candles with a wave of his hand and a flash of honey colored eyes. He hadn't ever liked fluorescents too much; he might have helped a bit with their creation, but as people kept making them get brighter and brighter, the unnaturalness of it started to bug him, so he still preferred the dimness of candles or the brightness of the sun.
Merlin walked behind Arthur, tapping his fingers daintily on the light colored faux leather of the armchair, and towards the dining room table where the living room opened to the large kitchen. "I picked up some pizza from Joe's on my way home." He turned back to Arthur. "Where're Gwaine and Gwen anyway? I thought we were going to watch that new show tonight?"
More shuffling paper, a grunt, and a nod of Arthur's head as he quickly glanced at him; "Gwaine took Gwen to see a movie," he said shortly.
Merlin chuckled and nodded acceptingly, disappearing into his bedroom momentarily to change out of his jeans and button-up purple shirt, into loose-fitting sweat pants and a blue tee shirt that hugged his torso comfortably. He ran a hand through his black hair and went back into the kitchen. "That was nice of him."
"Hm?"
"That he took Gwen to a movie."
"Yup."
It was when Merlin opened the pizza box and the wonderful smell and the heat washed over him that he heard a faint sniffle. Immediately, he straightened and closed the lid on the box ever so slightly, eyebrows scrunched. "Arthur, are you alright?"
Arthur must have realized that he'd let the noise slip because he shifted in his chair uneasily. Then; "Um, no actually."
Merlin took a few hasty steps forward, leaving the pizza forgotten on the table and fearing the worst until Arthur, too, slowly stood, clutching a crumpled stack of papers in his hand. The warlock stopped dead in his tracks at the look on his friend's face: his crystalline eyes were red and glazed, his face pale and dry, and Merlin saw his prominent Adam's apple bob with emotion. "Arthur?"
The former king kneaded his eyebrows and avoided Merlin's concerned stare. "We…" he took a breath to calm himself. "We need to talk, Merlin."
Merlin took another step forward as the eggshell carpet tickled the bottoms of his bare feet. His hands twitched in anticipation and he moved them a bit to stop the tension. "Okay? What happened?"
Then Arthur raised his right hand and the yellowed papers in his hands crinkled with the short rush of air before the edges of the pages were illuminated a soft aurous color from the lamp behind them. Merlin tried to focus on the flowing cursive of the page, but he was still too far away to decipher the writing. He thought he recognized it though.
"I found these," Arthur explained. "Well, Gwen found the first one and showed it to me… then we found more."
"Of what?"
The blond flashed him a glare that told him he didn't believe that Merlin didn't recognize the papers in his hand. He lowered them just as the heat faded from his eyes, thinking that Merlin probably hadn't seen them in years.
He rested a hand on his hip and lifted the papers again as he glanced over the words. "They're letters."
Merlin felt a small spark of frustration at the lack of real explanation but, thinking of how Arthur was currently acting, slowly took another step forward. "From who?" he asked softly.
"You."
"Me?"
Arthur still avoided his direct gaze. "From you, to… myself, Gwaine, Gaius, Guinevere; letters you wrote to us."
Then understanding flooded through Merlin's scared blue eyes, and guilt as well as good amount of horror stirred in his stomach. Those letters.
He took a step back as Arthur finally met his eyes, and he was sure that his friend could see his surprised expression as well as he could see Arthur's concerned and slightly frustrated expression. He'd forgotten about the letters. They were just a part of his history now from when he felt he was at his lowest.
And Arthur had found them.
And Arthur had read them.
Yes, maybe then he'd hoped that Arthur would one day read them to help him understand what Merlin had gone through those thousand some years he was alone. But as time went by, a small part of him hoped that Arthur never would read them, because when he'd composed them, Merlin had written some things as if Arthur never would, stuff that haunted his nightmares, and then… Merlin knew he'd feel guilty that he wasn't there for him. And if Arthur's tired blue eyes said anything, it was that.
"Arthur, I -"
Arthur clutched the letters in his hand, voice rising gradually. "You never speak about your past," he said energetically. "You talk all the time, but you never say anything. I thought maybe you needed time or something to get used to us begin there again, but it's been weeks since we've had our memories returned to us, and still you won't talk about it."
"I know, I -"
Arthur took another step forward and his own dark grey sweatpants caught under his bare heels as he stopped. His arms waved in manic gestures, and his eyes looked anywhere but actually at Merlin. "It's always something about this world, or a joke about Camelot, or a joke or experience about one of the rare times you were truly happy when you were waiting for us, but it's never anything whole, never anything that tells us what you've been through!" he finished angrily, waving his hands as some of the letters fluttered to the ground.
"You don't understand—" Merlin tried a small voice.
Arthur's wistful eyes watered even further with frustration as a stone of guilt and sorrow became more apparent in his heart. "Merlin, I want to understand. I really do. I want to know what happened to you. I don't want to find out secondhand through scribbled letters! I want to learn about it from you! I want to understand!"
The former king finally looked at his friend again to find that he'd stepped further back and was slouching against the light blue paint of the wall with his obsidian head hung. His knuckles were nearly white from where his fingers were interlaced with his coal colored hair, and Arthur could easily see the tenseness of his body. Hastily, he let the rest of the letters fall and walked towards his best friend with sudden worry on his handsome face. "Merlin?"
He was about to set a hand on the man's shoulder when suddenly he felt a sharp pain explode near his jaw and found himself on the floor, rubbing the side of his face. He looked up at Merlin with surprise and hurt written clearly on his face as Merlin, too, looked down at him as tears traced his own flushed face and as anger flittered through his hurt blue eyes. "I -"
Then Arthur watched his blue eyes fill with horror as he realized what he'd done, and any anger the former king had felt towards his friend was washed away as Merlin, still stunned, leaned back against the wall and slid down towards the floor until his elbows rested on his knees. His long fingers were once again entangled in his hair. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, my lord. I'm so sorry…" he whispered, trailing off.
Arthur let out a noise somewhere between a low sob and a shaky breath at Merlin's apology. 'My lord' echoed through his head; Merlin rarely called him by titles, only when he'd done something wrong, and he hadn't yet called him that since their memories were returned.
Arthur felt another pang of guilt in his heart and let out another shaky breath before slowly crawling over beside Merlin and sitting so close to him that their hips brushed against each other. Then he carefully draped an arm around his best friend's slim shoulders, and he felt his friend's body shaking beneath his careful touch. "Merlin? It's alright."
The warlock shook his head. "No, no, it's not, Arthur. I'm s-so sorry…"
Arthur pulled him closer until his messy head rested backwards on the blonde's collarbone as his friend sobbed into his shoulder. The former king wrapped both of his long arms around his friend like he was coddling a young child instead of his best friend. So close, Merlin seemed unbelievably young, so innocent, like he had in Camelot before Arthur had known his friend's secret. He'd always thought Merlin was hiding something, yes, but back then he was still so free, and his heart was so tender and strong-willed.
And Arthur only knew the smallest fraction of what could possibly have made Merlin so brittle, and yet hardened, at heart. Of course, he had read Merlin's letters; he knew about the deadly shipwreck in 1602 in the Atlantic; the American Revolution when his friend had sided with the States for their freedom; he knew about the siege of Alnwick Castle in 1174, when Scottish King William was defeated; his scrape with death – as if he would die from it (if only, Arthur sometimes wished. Just so he wouldn't suffer…) – he had when he was captured and tortured for information by the Chinese in the 1800's.
He only knew so little, and already he regretted not being there for him; just like Merlin knew he would.
"I wanted to tell you," Merlin mumbled shakily, though, by the way he said it, Arthur thought that that was what he wanted to say when he'd struck him.
He leaned in closer. "What?"
Merlin sniffed and his body shook. "I wanted to tell you, A-Arthur; so much...about a-all of it."
Arthur felt his heart clench again and squeezed Merlin against him. "It's alright, Merlin. Everything's going to be okay now."
The warlock didn't seem to hear him or just didn't listen, and instead, he continued, "I've wanted to tell you f-for so long, but… but…"
"What?" he asked softly.
Another light sob shook Merlin's slim body, and Arthur refastened his grip around his brother. "I've c-changed, Arthur." Then, with more dejection, "I've changed. And, and I didn't want you to see it." He sniffed and hugged Arthur's strong arm tightly. "I tried so h-hard not to let you s-see it…"
Arthur raised his free arm and stroked Merlin's obsidian hair comfortingly. "Merlin, we've all changed. All of us; and that's okay, it's normal -"
"No, you don't understand." His breath hitched and came in small gasps as he shook his head. "Not like I've changed, and… and you said—you said –"
"What?" the blonde asked, equally curious and concerned.
Merlin tightened his grip on Arthur's arm. "You s-said you didn't want me to ever change…"
Arthur scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion, his mind tracing back to over a thousand years ago. When had he…?
Oh.
Maybe it came to him so easily because Merlin was with him; maybe it was because his mind was trying to trace through his memories so fast… Or maybe it was because it was one of the last things Arthur had told his best friend when he was dying; something he'd said when he felt Merlin's magic coursing through him just to keep the pain at bay and would have given anything if only to stay with his friend.
"I don't want you to change. I want you, to always, be you."
He remembered the numbness he'd felt in his side where Mordred had stabbed him; he remembered the sadness and desperation in Merlin's eyes as he had spoken weakly and tiredly, and he remembered what he too had felt in that moment: brotherly love, fondness, his own kind of desperation... for Merlin never to change. But he hadn't meant it in the way Merlin was taking it.
He hadn't wanted Merlin's heart to ever become so twisted, like Morgana's had with her own power. And then when he had suddenly discovered that Merlin had even more power, was supposedly the greatest sorcerer to ever walk the earth…
Arthur certainly didn't ever want Merlin to become so cruel, and even after so much time had passed, he hadn't. He'd bottled everything up for thousands of years, waiting for his friends to return as the world added weights to his already tremendous load. Now, what Merlin needed, was a friend to help him lighten that load; to listen.
Merlin shifted and hugged Arthur's arm against his chest. His voice was low but less shaky and his words more decipherable, but fatigued all the same, and Arthur knew without seeing that Merlin's cavernous blue eyes were filled with anguish and agony. "And I h-have. I've changed. I tried n-not to, but, but I-I couldn't stop it. A thousand years of… of suffering, Arthur." He shifted and his hair rubbed against Arthur's skin as his grip tightened. "I've lost so many people that… that I c-can't let anyone get close anymore."
His voice lowered and softened. "I have to keep everyone a-at arm's length because I -," he swallowed thickly and Arthur just held him tighter. "Because I can't lose anyone else. I can't feel that pain again, that numbness. I just can't; I feel like I could break. After you… after Gwen, and Gaius, Gwaine, John, and Margret, Julian… so many others throughout the years, Arthur, and I am forced to watch as they grew old and died. And I was left alone to suffer in silence as everything – everyone - …faded from me."
Arthur felt a large, hot tear gather in his emotion-filled blue eyes and drop down his nose before disappearing in his brother's hair as Arthur rested his cheek against the black mop. "You can always come to me, Merlin, to us. We want to help you."
"But I…"
The former king gave him a small squeeze of encouragement. "What?" he whispered, leaning his head on Merlin's.
"I -," Merlin choked. "I don't want you… to see me as d-damaged or broken. I don't want that."
Another pang of sadness hit Arthur's already tender heart like the pain of Mordred's fatal blow. He imagined Merlin's usually bright eyes filled with pain and anguish and loneliness - it wasn't very hard to imagine with his tone of voice. "We won't, Merlin, I promise. We will see you as a friend who needs someone to care for him because the world doesn't know how he suffers; because even as he himself went through such unbearable agony, he continued to try to help others, and even as he slowly lost hope, and rightly so," he added when Merlin let out a shaky breath, and Arthur felt another hot tear on his arm, "he clung to that little speck of light at the end of the tunnel."
Arthur closed his cobalt colored eyes and breathed deeply into Merlin's dark hair, ruffling it sideways as a fond but determined smile pricked at his lips. "We won't see you as damaged. You are the greatest man I have ever met, old friend: the bravest, the most courageous, and by far the strongest. I would never have been able to go through a fraction of what you have, Merlin, you just need to learn how to let people in again."
A slight pause, a warm tear, a short breath, and then; "How?"
Arthur comfortingly rubbed his hand up and down Merlin's back consolingly. "By talking to us; by telling us what you're going through, what you've been through. That's how you heal."
He felt Merlin slowly relax in his arms as the pent-up tension and stress in his body slowly flowed out of him. Arthur hugged him closer as he sensed his brother's eyelids drooping and his breathing slow and even. Arthur breathed a contented sigh, knowing that he'd gotten through to his friend, not exactly in the way he thought he would, but it had worked all the same. And now Merlin was exhausted, Arthur knew: physically, mentally, and by far the greatest, emotionally. He'd gone through so much, and Arthur was ready to help Merlin heal. "Sleep now, Merlin."
Suddenly, Merlin tensed again in Arthur's slowly loosening arms. The former king leaned forward again, next to Merlin's ear as his chin brushed against ebony hair. "What is it, my friend?"
He felt Merlin shiver ever so slightly as he glanced up at him, and Arthur finally saw his flushed and tear-tracked face, if only for a second. His tanzanite blue eyes were filled with gratitude and brotherly love, but Arthur could still the trepidation and fear in those crystalline orbs. "I have nightmares… almost every night."
Arthur looked up at the ceiling to stop another tear from falling as he took in a shaky breath. Oh, Merlin…
He hugged him closer and felt Merlin's grip tighten on his arm; returning the hug, but also in fear. "Sleep, Merlin. There'll be no nightmares tonight." He hadn't exactly planned on sleeping on the floor with Merlin's head in his lap, but he was willing. And if Merlin had gone through all that horror and was reliving that horror in his dreams, sleeping on the floor for one night was nothing. It would be like they were back in Camelot, or on a hunting trip… Or in Ealdor when they'd protected the village from Kanan. "I'm with you, old friend. I'll keep you safe. I promise."
Merlin's desperate voice filtered through his mind from a memory a thousand and five hundred years old; "Stay with me." Now he could; he always would. He would never leave Merlin again.
Merlin let out a breath, and Arthur felt him relax once more. His voice, when he spoke, was quiet, calm, and flooded with love. "Thank you, Arthur."
And then Arthur felt a twitch in one of his cheekbones as the corner of his mouth came up as his fond smile widened, and his eyes glowed with brotherly affection. He lightly kissed Merlin soft hair as if he'd only just found his long lost brother. And truth be told, it felt like he had.
He sniffed and stroked Merlin's hair as he too, felt sleep creep up on him. He spoke softly and finished with the language of old Camelot instead of the modern dialect. "It's what you do for family. Swefn mīn, brōþor." (1)
Guinevere frowned in concern as Gwaine let his arm drop from her waist as he pulled out his key and jogged up the few concrete steps to the door. "So how do you think everything went?"
The former knight turned towards her and gave her a small smile while he turned the lock, hearing the lock within the wood shift to the left and into the door. "I'm sure it went well."
Gwen kneaded her brow and bit her lip as they entered the shared townhouse. The opening hallway was dark, but the former queen could see lights in the living room. Beside her, Gwaine shed his black trench coat and charcoal grey scarf as Guinevere carefully removed her own black jacket and purple scarf. Her chocolate grey eyes spotted both Arthur and Merlin's coats –so they were home, but it seemed too quiet.
"Arthur?" she called. "Mer -"
Gwaine, with an almost excited look in his deeply auburn eyes, covered her mouth softly with his cold hand and put his free forefinger against his mouth in a 'Shh' sign. She drew her brow together again, and the surprise she'd felt in her stomach went away as a more concerned feeling settled in her heart. Then, when Gwaine slowly withdrew his hand and smiled deviously, Guinevere mouthed 'what?'
The former knight, with the experience of a hunter, gracefully pointed a finger down the hall and coupled two fingers on his other hand and waving them twice down the hallway. Gwen might have not gone on many hunting trips, but she knew the signal to walk quietly. She nodded back, her eyes lit with a strange excitement and anticipation as they tiptoed down the hallway in only their socks.
Just before they reached the threshold of the living room and the aurous glow from the light bulb – Gwen knew from the stability of the light – and then the candlelight – because she knew Merlin preferred candles and the light was flickering slightly – she looked carefully at Gwaine, studying his relaxed posture and the wondering grin that was pasted on his stubbled face.
She reached out and hit his arm lightly, and when he looked at her, brow raised in question, she gave him her own inquiring look. Chocolate brown eyes dancing, he only grinned wider and grabbed her hand before escorting her into the dim living room.
Immediately, both were stopped in their tracks – because even though Gwaine had heard their soft breathing, he hadn't anticipated this – and Gwen's hand went to her mouth and warm tears of joy pricked at her eyes at the sight before her as her heart swooped with affection and happiness.
Arthur lay propped against the light blue wall, golden head bowed and resting sideways on Merlin's messy head, which lay in his lap. He hugged Arthur's forearm which was still tightly wrapped around his upper torso and the clear tear-tracks on both of their faces made her want to cry, but the small smiles on their peaceful faces, blissful smiles, made her want to wake them up just to hug them both.
Especially Merlin's; she hadn't seen a smile that genuine on him in a long time… since before Arthur has passed a thousand-some years ago. And the pure contentment she sensed from him told her that Arthur had reached him and drew him out and that perhaps Merlin could begin healing.
The weathered side of the coin could be repaired by its other half.
Gwaine squeezed his wrist and leaned down towards her ear. "I think it went well."
She let out a low chuckle and nodded happily as she sniffed. "Yes, I think so too." She looked up at the former knight just as he looked back at the two, and saw proud tears shining in his own dark colored eyes. And Gwen felt her heart swell further with sisterly love for him too.
Then, he suddenly looked down, caught her staring at him, and they both laughed like brother and sister as they wiped at their eyes.
"Should we wake them up?" Gwaine asked.
Guinevere shook her head slowly, her voice as low as Gwaine's. "No. This is the most peaceful I've seen either of them in a long time; let's let them sleep."
"Great!" Gwaine suddenly exclaimed, grinning mischievously. "I'll get the camera!"
He turned, and Gwen, giggling, grabbed his arm until the innocent look on his face broke through her flimsy protective barrier. "Fine!" Gwaine's smile widened. "But only a few, Gwaine."
The former knight bowed regally. "Yes, of course, my lady."
Gwen rolled her dark eyes and punched him in the arm playfully. "You are horrible."
"Shh!" he scolded, smiling softly as he put a finger to his mouth while he used his other hand to brush away a lock of auburn hair that had strayed into his face. "You don't want to wake them."
She sensed his mood shift from playful to fond as he eyed to two friends again, and Gwen felt her own eyes soften. "You're not really going to get the camera, are you?"
Gwaine crossed his arms over his chest and leaned towards her, speaking softly. "No, I guess I can keep this between us." He blinked, paused, and then said with a more serious voice, "I'm just glad they talked."
The former queen scooted next to her brother in all but blood to whisper near his ear. "As am I." Then, she bumped Gwaine with her elbow as a sudden decision was made in her mind. "Come on, let's get to bed. We're going out tomorrow."
"What?"
She nodded towards Merlin. "I think we should get him out of the house for a bit."
He smiled approvingly. "Sounds good. Thank goodness tomorrow's Saturday."
Gwen chuckled again, said goodnight, and turned the desk light off while Gwaine blew out Merlin's candles before walking towards her and Arthur's bedroom. Well, hers tonight anyway.
And as she lay awake in bed, all she could think about were the letters they'd read and the content of them. But then, as she thought of what had obviously transpired tonight, and that Merlin was finally on the road to healing, she felt a warm, happy feeling settle in her heart that brought a smile to her face and carried her peacefully into her dreams of her wonderful knight and friend, her loving king and husband, and her beloved warlock and brother, knowing they would all be okay.
(1) Sleep now, brother.
Firstly, I notice more and more people doing this, and personally, I think it's an awesome idea considering how many songs could go with this, so...
Soundtrack
Skylar Grey - Coming Home Part 2
Jason Walker - Echo
Nickleback - Never Gonna Be Alone
The Calling - For You
Tickle Me Pink - Strange Life
Remy Zero - Save Me (Defiantly Merlin's new theme song to Arthur, seriously, you need to hear this. Total bromance for post 5x13)
Safetysuit - These Times
Yay! Angst and bromance, my two favorite genre's of all time! ^_^ Well, I hope you liked it! It was very fun to write. ;)
Please review! And please tell me which part you liked best! :D