InterGlobal Films presents: Jack Howitzer as 'Tim' in "Special Needs Cop"
INTRODUCTION: This is my novelization of "Special Needs Cop", the action movie advertised in "Entertaining America" on WCTR. I do not advocate any of the amoral things that happen. This is just my excuse to write the dumbest Hollywood action movie ever. If this catches on, I might do "Exploder" and its predecessor, "Evacuator", next.
CHAPTER 1: A Cop On The Edge
The hostage crisis had been going on for over three hours. A group of terrorists holding up a bank building in Los Santos. They were demanding a million dollars, a helicopter, and 70 vestal virgins, and they would start killing the hostages unless their demands were met. The negotiator called on the scene had been unable to get any results.
"I haven't been able to get any results," he said to Police Chief Loud. "They won't release any of the hostages, or soften their demands. I think they're getting impatient."
"God damn it," said Chief Loud, chewing on his cigar. "I guess there's only one thing left to do."
"And what's that?" said the negotiator.
Chief Loud sighed, knowing he was going to regret this.
"We're going to have to call... Tim."
Tim had been awake since noon, and had done twenty crunches. He used to be able to do a hundred, but he'd really let himself go. It had been two years since he'd lost his friend, Ho Chi Vet, on a mission in Cambodia, and sleep hadn't come any easier. He got up and was about to pour himself a glass of vodka when his phone rang.
"Yo," he said, picking it up.
"Tim! This is Police Chief Loud. We've got a hostage situation at the El Corrupto Bank Building downtown. The terrorists are not backing down, and you're our only hope."
After a pause, Tim downed his glass of vodka.
"Tim? Are you there?"
"I'm on my way," he replied.
Fifteen minutes later, Tim's Patriot humvee came barreling down the street. (Its license plate read, simply, TIM.)
"Look out!", screamed a police officer, jumping out of the way. Tim's Patriot crashed right through the barricade of police cars.
"What the fuck is he doing?", said another police officer.
The Patriot slammed into the wall of the building and crashed right through it.
"Welcome to the land of freedom, bitches!", screamed Tim, jumping out of the vehicle with an AK-47.
The terrorists said something to each other in Arabic and opened fire, but Tim was faster. They were no match for him as he gunned them down. Unfortunately, he also mowed down seven of the hostages in the process.
"God damn it!", screamed Police Chief Loud, having summoned Tim into his office later that day. "You killed seven innocent civilians and injured three others! Have you no tact?"
"I got the job done, didn't I?" Tim replied.
"I knew I shouldn't have called you. I just knew it." Chief Loud reached into his drawer and took out a bottle of pills. He took two of the pills and downed them with a bottle of Scotch.
"Can I have some?", said Tim.
"These aren't prescribed for you!", said Chief Loud.
The Police Chief put the pills away and looked Tim up and down. Tim was dressed in his usual attire of leather jacket, blue jeans and shitkicker cowboy boots.
"I swear to God," said Chief Loud, "if you hadn't taken that bullet to the head for me back in 'Nam..."
Chief Loud shook his head and picked up a file folder, handing it to Tim.
"This just came in," Chief Loud said. "Reports of a cocaine smuggling ring. I need someone to go undercover. You're the man for the job."
Later, Chief Loud's car pulled up to a public school. Tim got out and looked around. The children all walked funny, and some looked like mongoloids. The sign in front of the school said, "ROBERT A. SPUTUM SCHOOL FOR DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED CHILDREN".
"A school for slow children?", said Tim.
"Yep," said Chief Loud. "And you're their new teacher! Good luck!"