A/N: I haven't written a Fanfic in a while, so I'm sorry if I mess it up too much! ;)
Summary: Daine is marrying Kaddar. Numair arrives. Basically RoTG happened, but Numair and Daine stayed friends. Then Kaddar proposed, and Daine moved to the Copper Isles. Some fluff I haven't read the book in a while (I know, I'm ashamed) so forgive me if I leave out some major detail or what not… Enjoy!
Disclaimer: All the characters and everything belongs to Tamora Pierce
Daine glanced at her reflection in the mirror, biting her lip nervously. Her long brown hair was loose around her shoulders, with a ribbon keeping it from moving too much. She had the minimalist amount of makeup she could get (despite pleading with her stylist to make it none—apparently the wedding between the Emperor and his betrothed was something of a celebrity event). The long white dress fit her well, and the slim body accented her curves before spilling out in a pool at the bottom. It wasn't the dress that had her concerned, however.
"It's only the rehearsal, Miss," the servant bustling around her said in her kind, accented voice.
"I know. It's just…" Daine trailed off, not sure how much she could say. It's just what? Daine challenged herself. Kaddar is a kind man, and he loves me. And, as a bonus, our marriage will bring peace and trade between Tortall and the Carthak. There are so many pros.
But do I love him? Daine wondered. Of course I do, she quickly shot down. But she couldn't help but speculate… What if she had refused his proposal? What if she had gone back to Tortall with Numair, and stayed the kingdom's Wildmage? She used to tell herself that she would always stay in Tortall.
Thinking about Numair reminded her that he was coming for the wedding. Well, he said he would try to come, depending on how to clean-up of the war was going. But the thought still made her heart quicken and her pulse race. I'm glad he's coming. It'll be nice to have my teacher here when I wed, Daine told herself, to excuse the feelings that arose when she had found out he would be there.
"You alright, Miss?" the servant asked. Daine was pretty sure her name was Darcy.
"I'm fine. Just nervous," Daine admitted. It was a half-truth, but the truth all the same. She was nervous. Every bride has doubts, Daine reassured herself.
Darcy seemed satisfied, if that was the right word. Daine wished she was alone. As she turned and the jewels in the bodice of her dress sparkled, she wanted to cry. Not because of the dress. The dress was beautiful, if she was interested in such things. The moment, and those to come, would be perfect.
So why didn't she feel like it was?
Any girl would love to marry a man like Kaddar. I'll be happy here, Daine scolded herself. But the tears in her eyes told a different story.
She took off the wedding dress, donning one similar, but purple, for the rehearsal. Kaddar wasn't supposed to see her before the real wedding. Darcy helped her do her hair and makeup once more, and then they were walking down the hall to Mithros' temple, since men weren't allowed in the Goddess' temple, and the citizens of Carthak had frowned upon their original decision to get married in the Graveyard Hag's temple.
The beginning of the ceremony went by too fast for Daine's comfort. She would rather stand behind the doors and wait for her cue than actually walk down that aisle. But her cue came, and as the music played, Daine stepped through the doors. Young girls Daine didn't really know walked in front of her, sprinkling flower petals on the white cloth that had been laid out earlier.
The temple was decked in flowers and white garlands. There was a priest standing on the alter with Kaddar. Along the aisle was more white lace, lining the path to man she wanted so desperately to love.
Kaddar looked eager and happy. When he saw her, his face lit up, as though she were the sun to him. Daine felt a pang of guilt in her stomach. She didn't look at Kaddar that way, and she didn't feel the way he so obviously did. She loved him, but not as much as he obviously loved her.
He deserves someone who thinks of him as the brightest point in their life. He doesn't deserve someone like me, Daine thought. But she forced herself to think of nothing at all as she got closer and closer to Kaddar. She didn't want him to read the expression in her eyes, and to realize that it was everything but love.
She went up the small steps, joining him. From there she could see the servants, wedding planners, stylists, and a few people she didn't know sitting on the benches, watching her. She took a deep breath, feeling her palms get sweaty. It's just the rehearsal, she reminded herself. It's not real. Not yet, that is.
Kaddar took her hands, and the priest started saying things that Daine honestly didn't hear. She stared into Kaddar's eyes, barely remembering to smile. He has to think that this is what you want, she told herself. That you want this more than anything in the world.
But what if it isn't true? She thought desperately. It's too late to go back now, she decided. I have to marry him.
Suddenly the priest's tone changed. Daine realized that he was asking her something. "I do," she managed quietly.
The priest asked Kaddar something similar. Daine still couldn't understand his words. Everything was jumbled in her mind.
"I do," Kaddar announced confidently. Daine felt faintly sick. She wished her mare, Cloud, was with her. She's coming after the wedding, Daine remembered. But that like it would be felt too late. She needed the wisdom and blunt honesty her faithful companion would offer. If only Kitten could talk, Daine thought. But she would say the same thing Cloud would—that she shouldn't marry Kaddar. It was the very thing Daine kept in the back of her mind, not allowing herself to fully think of or recognized as a concept.
Daine breathed a sigh of relief when the speaking part was officially over, but she froze when she remembered they would have to kiss. She watched Kaddar lean closer and closer, until his lips were on hers. She felt as she had when they had kissed the few times before, but she knew that this kiss had more meaning than those others.
This kiss signified their commitment to their marriage, and the fast-approaching ending to their betrothal. The kiss signified their love, and how they were going to love each other for the rest of their lives.
Daine pulled back first, unnerved by the meaning she had discovered. Kaddar seemed to think that her abruptness was due to nerves, or excitement. He smiled in support as they turned to face the clapping audience. Daine put on a smile, gripping Kaddar's hand tightly.
He squeezed her fingers reassuringly, and Daine bit her lip again.
After the appropriate amount of time of polite clapping had been endured, Daine and Kaddar walked down the aisle together, out of the temple.
From there they went to the rehearsal dinner, as a celebration as much as a rehearsal. There were all kinds of delicacies, but Daine knew that it was nothing compared to what the real reception would be like. She had previewed the menu, and there were so many different kinds of foods she wanted to try, it was hard to comprehend. But she knew that she would hardly be able to eat a bite. She would be too busy walking around with Kaddar, greeting delegates and thanking them for attending, while undergoing countless compliments on the decorations and food that she had had nothing to do with.
Daine sighed, already exasperated.
That night, however, she could eat her fill. Daine gladly filled her plate again and again, eating until she felt like she would burst. There was always something else she wanted to taste that she hadn't had seconds on anything. Also, as a plus, eating meant that she had to talk to Kaddar less. She couldn't think of what to say anymore to him without clueing him into her inner thoughts. He couldn't know how she really felt, because if he did, it would crush him.
And the last thing she wanted to do was hurt his feelings when it was obvious that they would have to be wed regardless. It was better for Kaddar to live out his life thinking that his wife loved him as much as he loved her, instead of knowing it was the opposite. Honestly, what good would telling the truth do?
That night was the bridal party, and Daine spent the time listening to the chatter of seamstresses and maidens from Carthak that had been deemed important enough to get an invite. Daine wished she could have a party with Alanna, Onua, Queen Thayet, and her other friends, but they were all in Tortall. Numair was the only one who had said he could get away for long enough. Alanna hadn't replied to her invite, presumably too busy with the tasks and battles the king was always asking her to do. Alanna was usually as busy as Onua was during the training season for the trainees joining the Queen's Riders.
The night crawled by, and Daine tuned most of what the other ladies were saying. It wasn't anything meaningful, by her standards.
That night, she couldn't sleep. She shape shifted to a sparrow, and flew out over the city.
She drifted for a while, trying to tame her racing thoughts. Then she got an idea. Banking sharply, she headed toward the docks, staying high enough to see the incoming ships.
There was one about a mile from shore that was the perfect fit to be one from Tortall. And that meant—
No, Daine thought. Don't get your hopes up. What are the chances?
That didn't stop her from diving down, closer and closer. Her bird heart sped up as she saw a figure leaning on the railing of the deck, staring out at the sea.
Numair! She cried out internally.
As she flew closer, his form became more defined. Her pulse hammered, and she had to concentrate to keep her form. She didn't want to fall at that height.
She finally landed on the railing before the man. When she recognized his face, she chirped happily. Even in the dark, there was a light that seemed to emanate from him. It was as though he glowed in her eyes.
He noticed her, and straightened, his brows creased. Daine's heart panged in her chest.
"Daine?" Numair asked hoarsely.
Daine chirped, hopping down to the deck. Numair turned away, removing his robe and holding it behind him.
Daine turned back into Daine, taking the cloth and wrapping it around her shoulders. When she was decent, she stepped forward, leaning on the rail where Numair had stood a moment before. He turned back around, beaming as he met her eyes. Before either of them could think too much about it, she was in his arms. He hugged her tightly, burying his face in her shoulder. Daine closed her eyes, reveling in the glory and rightness she felt when she was with him. He smelled like home, she decided. That, and spices.
"Magelet, I missed you," Numair murmured. Daine felt the tears fill her eyes again, but this time it was with despair.
Numair pulled back just enough to be able to see her face as the tears overwhelmed her. She sobbed as Numair pulled her back to him, cradling her against his chest.
"What's wrong?" Numair asked, his voice kind and worried.
"It's just so good to see you," Daine responded, not letting him know the truth. She hated lying to so many people, but it was for everyone's good.
Numair cleared his throat, shifting slightly. Daine met his eyes, confused. "What is it?" she asked, concerned.
"I just… I came here to tell you something. I was going to mention this before the wedding, but I didn't expect you to come out here. Not that I'm not glad you did," he quickly added. "But I need to say this."
"You can tell me anything," Daine promised, meaning it. Being near Numair was so much easier than she had even remembered. It was like she was complete when he was around.
"I…" Numair struggled. "I have to tell you that I… Well," he cleared his throat again nervously. Then he met her eyes squarely. "I love you, Daine."
"What?" Daine gasped out.
"I know that you're about to marry Kaddar. And I know that you love him. But I had to tell you this, before…" He trailed off, meeting her eyes with his pleading ones. He clearly wanted her to understand, without him having to say it.
"I can't leave, Numair." Daine looked away, the tears returning. "It's too late."
Numair looked confused.
"I thought I could marry Kaddar and be happy. But I've thought about it constantly over the last few days, and I realized I couldn't talk myself into loving someone I didn't. But now it's too late, and I have no choice."
"That doesn't sound like the Daine I used to know," Numair said desperately. "You always have a choice. You destroyed this palace when you thought I was dead. Doesn't that say something?"
"It doesn't matter how I feel, can't you see that? I would risk war with Carthak by leaving now."
"I doubt that Kaddar would be so furious as to attack your country." Numair made her meet his eyes.
"I'm sorry," Daine whispered. She shape shifted once more, launching herself into the sky.
She forced herself not to look back. She didn't want the image of a heartbroken Numair to be the last she had of him. Because he wasn't going to visit, and he probably wouldn't stay for the wedding. She had hurt him, and for that she would never forgive herself.
She was only able to keep her form for a mile or so before she landed in a grove of trees and collapsed, sobbing.
Numair was right. She had given up her free choice while trying to be someone she wasn't. When was the last time I was truly happy? She wondered.
She could only think of seeing Numair's face, and the joy it had brought her when he recognized her; when he called her Magelet.
I love Numair, she realized. And that means I can't rightly marry Kaddar. Regardless of the consequences.
She cringed at the thought of hurting her friend, and the events that could result from her breaking the engagement.
What if he never saw me? What if I left before he could stop me? I could fly to Numair. We could go back to Tortall together.
No, she decided. I owe Kaddar an explanation.
With that figured out, she flew the rest of the way to the palace. She went first through her open window, changing back into her clothes. Then she packed quickly, carrying her bag with her to Kaddar's rooms.
She knocked hesitantly on the door, suddenly unsure if she wanted to go through with her plan. But it was too late, and Kaddar was opening the door.
"I can't marry you," Daine blurted out, cutting off whatever greeting Kaddar was about to say. The look on his face instantly turned from surprise to confusion, and anguish.
"I can't say I didn't think this would happen," he said, turning away so Daine couldn't see the hurt in his eyes. But she knew it was there, and it cut her as much as leaving Numair had. Less, maybe, but it still hurt. "I knew that I was nothing compared to him."
Daine blinked in surprise, realizing that he was talking about Numair. "W-what?" she managed, shocked.
Kaddar continued as though she hadn't spoken. "A black-robe mage, and your teacher? I never stood a chance. I saw it when you two were together before the Immortals War. You were so close, I knew you would end up with him."
"Kaddar, it isn't like that—" Daine started.
"And when you said you were coming back to Carthak, I was stunned. You weren't with him, even after fighting a war with him. He clearly loved you, and I had assumed he had told you."
"Kaddar, listen," Daine implored.
"Just go, Daine," Kaddar turned away. "I hope you have a good life with him."
Daine opened her mouth to protest, but she closed it, knowing that nothing she could say would mend the pain she had caused. She turned and left.
She had to walk down to the docks to keep her clothes and her bag, so the trip took longer.
When at last the water came into view, she immediately headed toward one of the ships being loaded.
"Are you taking any passengers?" she asked a man who seemed to be directing the others. Her voice broke.
He examined her, looking concerned. Daine hoped that the dark would conceal her face enough that he wouldn't recognize her as the Empress-to-be.
"I suppose so. Strange night, to get two such requests," he said, hooking a thumb back at his boat. "But you'll have to pay a fee. I don't ship people for free."
"Of course," Daine said. She handed him some coins, and he shrugged, stepping aside.
She walked toward the cabin, eyes searching frantically for any sign of him.
"Daine?" a hoarse voice asked. It was like déjà vu, and Daine's heart pounded faster, just as it had hours before. "What are you doing here?" Numair asked as she turned around, facing him.
"I thought about what you said," she said, preparing to launch into the speech she had planned on the walk down to the shore. "And I realized you were right. I didn't have a choice. I also knew that I wasn't happy with Kaddar, and I didn't love him. Not enough to marry him."
Numair stood just out of reach, eyes hidden in the shadows. Daine knew he was doubtful, though. She would be, too.
"And then, I realized that…" Daine struggled. "That I love you. And that I want to go back to Tortall with you."
Numair hesitated, the silence making Daine's heart pang in her chest.
"And I know I hurt you earlier, and that I said—"
Numair kissed her, and Daine forgot what she was going to say. It was as though electricity was burning through her body. Her heart stuttered, and she pulled him closer. She wanted to stay like that forever, but they had to break apart to breath.
"Let's go home, Magelet," Numair suggested.
Daine nodded, grinning happily.