A/N: I don't know what possessed me write this. It's kind of an anti-dote to all those stories where she gets pregnant in high school and everything works out perfectly. Not that I don't love some of those stories, because I really do, but this is an idea that wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. I'm sorry if anyone is offended by the very nature of this story. I honestly don't know really what my view is on abortion, I think I'm in favour but I don't know if I'd ever be able to do it myself. This isn't meant to be any kind of debate on the subject. I apologies for any inaccuracies in the procedure, I tried to do as much research as possible but might have got some things wrong. I would love any feedback, whether positive or negative because this is the first time I've written anything outside of school.
Rachel's been acting weird all day. She called him last night and told him not to pick her up, her voice sounded funny, like she'd been crying and she kept sniffling, but she insisted she was fine, brushing off his concerns and hanging up on him. At school things were even stranger, her eyes were rimmed red and she appeared to be going to great lengths to avoid him. He couldn't understand it. Since New York they'd been closer than ever, all the drama of junior year was behind them, they'd talked about all the reasons for their break-up, why he lied, why she kissed Puck and why trying to step back in time with Quinn was easy but never going to work. Although the spectre of graduation was hanging over them, Finn was doing everything in his power to prove to her, himself and everyone else that he was good enough to follow her to New York. He'd applied to a number of schools in NYC without Rachel's knowledge, and had even been researching the possibilities of the NYPD or the NYFD. He was secretly in love with the idea of being a cop, actually making a difference, maybe being half the hero his father was.
But now that seemed a bit of a waste because apparently Rachel doesn't want to be around him anymore. He just can't work it out. Things had been brilliant. Rachel had even abandoned her plan to wait until she was twenty-five, and they had made love for the first time in her basement the night before school had started again. Since then they'd been inseparable. The idea of Rachel breaking up with him is both unthinkable and wholly terrifying. He really doesn't know what he'd do without her; he can't imagine his life without her. Those few months without her in junior year seem impossible.
He's standing at his locker looking for his Spanish book when he sees her for what seems like the first time in ages, she rushes past him, her head down and her arms wrapped around herself. He knows exactly where she's going, where she always goes; the auditorium. He gives her a two minute, head start and then follows. He expects to hear her singing as he pushes open the heavy door that leads to backstage area, but instead he can hear faint notes from the piano, a tune he doesn't recognise. He walks over and slides onto the piano bench. She doesn't look at him, but the stage lights highlight the tear tracks that stain her cheeks. She looks so small, so vulnerable, and so delicate. He's torn between wanting to hug her tightly to him and demanding that she tell him what the hell he did wrong.
'Rach, baby, what's wrong? Please tell me.' Finn tries to keep his voice calm and gentle. Rachel finally meets his eyes, he can see tears pooling in hers.
'You know how much I love you, right?' She stammers out, her voice lacking its usual control and thick with tears.
Yes I know, or I thought I did. She's not breaking up with me is she? She can't be...they're like tethered.
'Yeh, and I really love you too. You're not like, breaking-up with me are you?' I manage to get out, the thought of being without her makes my blood run cold. 'Coz I know that a lot of people say I'm wrong for you, that we're too different, but we're not Rach, I love you so much. And what's that saying, that opposites attract? It's like Coach Sylvester said, about being tethered. I can't imagine life without you. And I know that you think we're going to split after graduation, but I promise baby I'm working on following you, I'll do anything-'
'Finn,' she interrupts, cutting off my word vomit. 'I'm pregnant.'
He swears his heart stops beating for a second. Rachel starts to cry again and throws herself into his arms, sobbing brokenly into his chest. All he can do is hold her and kiss her head. Well fuck.
He finally manages to get a grip on himself and realise that the school auditorium is not the best place to be having this conversation, especially because he think that the whole glee club will be there in about half an hour. He wraps his arm around Rachel and takes her to his truck. The ride to her house is silent, she stares out of the window and Finn holds her hand over the console. He rubs his thumb back and fore over her knuckles, something she told him she loves, trying to provide even the smallest amount of comfort. Her hands felt so tiny in his, he would never understand the basis of that nickname. He pulls his truck into her driveway, relieved to see that neither of her dads are home, though they rarely are there's always a chance. He hops out and then walks around to her side, opening the door and grabbing her hand. 'C'mon baby.' She follows obediently, like a child, and that thought makes his heart constrict painfully. A baby.
He feels like he's done this before, except, you know he hasn't, not really, he wasn't the father that time. But there was still all that feeling, the emotion, the terror, apprehension and a smidgen of excitement that he can't really explain. He has been through this before, because at the time it was real, he thought he was the father, he felt all these things. Except, this is a little different, coz he like knows, one hundred per cent that he's the dad, they've had sex, and he knows that this is a girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he can imagine having children with her gorgeous brown eyes and voice, he just thought they'd come a hell of a lot later, after like a wedding, and Tony awards.
He leads Rachel up to her room and she sits on the edge of the bed while he kneels in front of her. Finn thinks that we both must be in shock, but he's never seen Rachel this quiet for this length of time before, it's scary.
'Are you sure?' he asks gently, putting his hands on her knees. She nods, tears falling from her eyes once more.
'I...' she falters, 'I did 7 home pregnancy tests and then I went to the doctors, I'm about six weeks, I didn't want to tell you until I was sure. I'm so so sorry Finn.' She looks down, and he hugs her to him quickly.
'Hey, hey, you have nothing to be sorry for, this is more like my fault.' He lifts up her chin, forcing her to look at him. 'Rach, I love you. We can get through this, I know we can. Together. I'm sure that my mom and Burt will help and hopefully your dads will understand, and we'll work something out for college, and I'll get a job to pay for an apartment, and...' he trails off as Rachel places a hand on his cheek, looking at him intently.
'Finn, I think I should...Oh god. I think I should get an abortion.' Her words hit him like a ton of bricks, he hadn't even thought about abortion. It wasn't even an option last time, but he reminds himself that Rachel isn't Quinn, they are so totally different.
'Oh.' He's aware of the fact that he should have a lot more to say than that, a million thoughts are running through his head. The one that he can hear the loudest is that Rachel wants to kill their baby.
'Oh? That's all you have to say?' Rachel asks, sounding shocked. He standa up and take a few steps away from her.
'Well what do you want me to say Rachel?'
'I don't know...that you support me? That you think it's for the best too? Finn, I love you so much, but we can't have a baby. I can't be stuck in this town, never go to Julliard or New York, never make it to Broadway, never win a Tony, never...'
'Yes I get it, never have your fucking career, coz that's the most important thing to you isn't?' He shouts, suddenly furious at her.
Rachel cowers back from him and he can't help but feel guilty that he's scaring her but at the same time he can't help but feel angry that once again Broadway and being a star is the most important thing in her life, over their baby.
'Finn, it's not about that! We can't have a baby, we're far too young. What the hell would we do? I don't want either of us to be stuck in this town. You're far too good for that Finn, I just...I've wanted to be on Broadway for as long as I can remember and I can't give that up. Finn, please... please don't hate me for this.'
Her voice breaks and she starts to cry again and he just can't see her like that. The next thing he knows he's striding across the room to hug her to him tightly and he's rocking her slightly. 'Shhhh, I'm sorry baby, I know you're right, we can do whatever you want, whatever is best for you, for us.' Rachel just clutches at his shirt and whimpers. 'We'll be ok baby, I promise you, everything's going to be ok.' He lies back onto Rachel's bed pulling her with him, and she curls into his side resting her head on his chest. He can feel her tears soaking through his t-shirt, all he can do is whisper soothing words and run my hand through her hair. He feels so utterly powerless.
He's never considered the ethics of abortion before, he's never had to. He guesses that at this stage it's not a baby, biology has never been his thing but Rachel is still tiny so it must be really early. But when he went with Quinn to that sonogram she was still thin and that was a baby. He can't help picturing what it might be like, to have something that he and Rachel made together. But looking down at her he knows she's right, they are too young and she belongs in New York, she needs to get out of Ohio and he's going to do everything he can to make sure he goes with her. Maybe Rachel will change her mind though; it's got to be a really difficult thing to do. Maybe she'll think about another future, her and him in Lima with their baby. Rachel's dads won't be like the Fabrays, they'll be angry and hurt and disappointed but they won't throw her out, he knows they won't, they adore her. The one she calls 'Daddy' is totally going to kill him though. They could do it, he'd do everything he could to support her. But they can't, Rachel just can't not go to New York, she has a full ride to Julliard, those are like gold dust. Maybe they could still go, ok Rachel might have to try and defer for a year but they might be ok with it, and Finn and their baby would follow her to New York, he could work, maybe two jobs while Rachel finished college, and then once she'd graduated and was setting Broadway on fire, they'd be able to afford childcare he could train with the NYPD. They could do it, he was sure. He could see it now, sitting in the theatre while Rachel belted out some showstopper, with their son or daughter on his knee. It'd probably be tough, but surely it would be worth it. He can't imagine telling his mom that he got a girlfriend knocked up again though, ok so the first time wasn't really him, but he spent a long time thinking that it was. His mom is going to be so disappointed in him. Sure, she loves Rachel, and was there for her through the whole Shelby coming back and flaunting her new baby thing, but she's going to be really annoyed about Finn ruining Rachel's future. And then there's Shelby. Granted Rachel doesn't really speak to her, but that woman is scary and she's going to like, castrate Finn when she finds out.
He looks down to see that Rachel's fallen asleep; she can't have been sleeping well over the last few days. A baby. Jesus. He's been here before, but it feels so, so different this time. Like he knows he's going to be with Rachel forever, he hopes they'll have kids one day, but one day was never meant to be now. There's one thing he knows for sure though, that he will do whatever makes Rachel happiest.
'Finn…..?', He hears he ask in a small voice. He can't stand how small and vulnerable, and just un-Rachel like she sounds.
'I'm here, baby,' he says, clutching her tightly to him, he never wants to let her go,' I'm not going anywhere.'
He stayed with Rachel for as long as he could, until her dads got home from work. He didn't want to leave her, he really didn't. He goes home, eats some dinner and lies on his bed and refuses Kurt's warm milk when he knocks on his door. He wonders if Kurt knows, he's Rachel's best friend and he knows she tells him nearly everything, even stuff he really wishes she wouldn't, like stuff about him and her, and what they do, and Kurt's his gay sort of brother so it's awkward. But Finn's pretty sure he doesn't know about this, because he'd like be freaking out or trying to call dibs on dressing the baby or something. The baby. Is it boy or a girl? Will they be tall like him? He hopes if it isn't then it's a girl because a boy Rachel's height wouldn't stand a chance in high school. But there probably won't be a baby. He knows Rachel's serious about wanting to a get an abortion and he's not sure if he wants to change her mind or not. He pulls out his laptop anyway and looks at options for students with children at Julliard, NYU and all the other schools he's applied for. Thing is, all these are really expensive. He knows Rachel's dads will help, but if they were to keep the baby he'd want to provide for them himself. Be a man. He knows that if Rachel had to give up all her dreams and stay in this hick town she'd die. Not literally but she would, she wouldn't be Rachel Berry anymore (and yeh, he wants her to be Rachel Hudson one day but that's not what he means.) She was born to be in New York and light up Broadway and win a bunch of Tony's, but he thinks maybe she was always meant to be with him as well. If Rachel wants to get an abortion then that's what they'll do. There'll be more babies in the future, when they're ready, and secure and just plain older. He closes his laptop and sends a text to Rachel:
I love you. I'll pick u up for skwl in the morn. Night baby xx
He picks Rachel up like he promised. She looks pale and tired, there's no sparkle in her. She tells him that she feels sick and sort of clings to him when he hugs her, burying her face into her chest. He rubs her back and kisses her head, kind of breathing her in. She's always felt small in his arms but now she feels positively tiny. He pulls away and leads her to his truck, opening the door for her and she smiles slightly in return. After they've pulled out of her driveway and are on their way to school she sort of clears her throat and says, 'So, I made and appointment with plan parenthood for this afternoon. It means we have to miss glee, but it's just one time, I don't think it will really affect our chances at regionals next month.'
He just kind of nods and makes an 'hmm' sound. Rachel's kind of staring at him and looks as if she really wants to cry.
'I mean that sounds, ummm, great. If you're sure that's what you want to do then that's what we'll do. I think it's for the best to, really. I just really want you to know that we do have other options. I can get a job, come with you to New York, you can still do everything you want to….'
She's shaking her head though, tears spilling down her cheeks. He wants to pull her into his arms but he can't because he's driving and they don't need an accident on top of everything.
'Finn it won't work, it'll never work. Couples who have kids in high school don't stay together long term. We'll be stressed, we'll argue. Neither of us will get to do anything with ourselves. I hate this term but we'll both be Lima losers! I can't do it Finn, I just can't. Please say you won't hate me, please.'
'No, no I could never hate you! We can do whatever you think is best, whatever is going to make you happy. Rach, I love you, I'm never letting you go.'
She smiles a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes and clasps his hand over the gear box. He squeezes her hand. They'll be ok, they have to be.
He manages to get through school, somehow. Rachel is on his mind constantly. He doesn't really see much of her until 4th period, where they have Spanish together. She sits next to him but doesn't really say anything, just holds his hand under the desk. He runs his thumb over her knuckles, back and forth, and she squeezes his hand. He can see Kurt staring at them intently, he makes a questioning motion in their direction, and Finn just shakes his head.
They tell Mr Shue that Rachel has a dentist appointment and that Finn has to drive her, and of course they're very sorry and yes they'll practice their duet for regionals in their own time. Kurt once again is staring at them, well more at Rachel, mostly because she hasn't opened her mouth the entire time they've been in the choir room and that's like a sign of the zombie apocalypse or something. Shelby is also staring at Rachel, like she wants to take her aside and talk to her, and he knows he has to get Rachel out of there as soon as possible, because Rachel always leaves conversations with that women looking and feeling like she's been tackled a million times on the football pitch. He knows because she told him that once.
So they leave the choir room and drive the 12 blocks to their appointment. The ride is silent and Rachel spends the entire time staring out of the window. He pulls into the parking lot and takes her hand again.
'You ready?' She nods, brings his hand up to her mouth and kisses his palm, giving it one final squeeze before getting out. He takes her hand again, and doesn't let go, as they sign in at reception, wait for an agonizingly long time in the waiting room and are finally shown in to see a doctor. The doctor is young, barely older than them really, and she has a really sympathetic face. She talks Rachel through all her options, and mentions that Rachel might benefit from counselling, before and after. Rachel is remarkably calm when she assures her that she's made up her mind, and is sure she wants the abortion as quick as possible. He feels oddly numb, as though this is happening to someone else. The doctor goes on to explain that because it's so early on Rachel will be able to take some pills that will cause her to miscarry. It all sounds so simple and easy. Rachel just nods, her eyes downcast, and her grip on Finns hand tight enough to leave bruises. The doctor asks her if her parents know and Rachel franticly shakes her head.
'They can't ever know, they'll be so disappointed in me. They didn't even know we were having sex.'
'Rachel, you're probably going to experience pain and most definitely bleeding after this procedure, you're going to need someone to look after you.'
'My dads are going to Chicago on business tonight, so Finn will be there with me.'
Finn starts. He didn't know that. Of course he'll stay with her, he'll tell his mom he's at Puck's or something.
'Yeah, I'll make sure she's ok. I'll look after her.'
The doctor doesn't look happy but drops the subject. She double checks with Rachel once again that is really what she wants, and that she understands the risks. His head is spinning with all the information and statistics they've been told. He knows that Rachel has to come back tomorrow to take the second pill. Rachel confirms once again that's she sure. He can hear the tremor in her voice, but her face is set. Her mouth a straight line.
Once the doctor leaves the room to get the pill, she twists in her chair and buries her face in the crook of his neck, he can feel the tears on his skin. She's trembling in his arms. He runs his hand up and down her back, stroking the hair away from her face. He bends his head to whisper in her ear, 'I love you more than anything, we can do whatever you want, ok?' He kisses her cheek, just as the doctor comes back in, a tray with a cup, a little pot with a pill in and a pitcher of water in her hands.
'Are you absolutely sure this is what you want Rachel?'
Rachel nods silently, taking the pills from the doctor. She takes a deep breath, grips Finns hand even tighter and puts the pill in her mouth, before knocking back the entire glass of water. She trembles slightly and looks down at her lap, a single tear rolling down her check.
The doctor leaves the room again to give them a moment of privacy. He pulls Rachel into his lap and she cuddles against him, pushing as if she's trying to get as close as possible to him. He clutches her tightly, wishing he could take all the pain away from her. He kisses her head and whispers that he loves her, it's about all he's got to give. The doctor knocks and enters the room again. She gives Rachel some pamphlets, tells her what to expect tonight and what time to come back tomorrow to take the second pill. They leave the clinic and he drives back to Rachel's thankfully empty house. Rachel mumbles something about getting changed and lets go of his hand to go upstairs. He goes to the kitchen to make her a cup of tea and pours her a big glass of water. He calls his Mom and tells her that he's decided to have a Halo marathon with Puck and won't be home. He also texts Kurt and tells him that's the story, and then ignores the 12 texts he gets demanding he tell him what's going on. He picks up one of the leaflets from the counter in the kitchen but puts it down without reading it. He finally hears Rachel coming down the stairs, she looks so unlike herself that it almost scares him. She's wearing a pair of grey sweats and one of his old t-shirts she must have stolen ages ago, it falls almost to her knees and makes her look even tinier than she is. He hands her the water silently and she downs the whole glass in one go, before reaching for the tea. He takes her hand and leads her to the couch, pulling her down beside him. She curls into him, her head resting on his shoulder.
'Thank you' she whispers, 'For being there today. I don't know what I would have done without you. I love you.'
He pulls her closer, 'I'll always be there for you' he replies firmly. Because he will. Always.