Tate pulled his shirt over his head.
"You can go anytime now, Tate." Violet's words seemed to melt out of her mouth. She lit up a cigarette and closed her eyes.
"Why do you keep doing this to me, Vi? The pain in his voice was almost tangible.
"Tate, darling, you know what our arrangement is. You fuck me and that's all. Stop trying to change what I am to you."
"But Violet I lo-"
"Don't start that shit with me today. You need to leave now or I can't do this with you anymore." Sometimes she hated seeing his face like this. Tears were kept slightly at bay and his skin turned red with anger and sadness. Ironically the only emotions Violet seemed to posses. She felt empty as he walks out the door. She feels nothing. The smoke puffed out of her thin lips. But sometimes she was sad about seeing him go. She knew she could never let him stay after sex. He'd get all emotional and sappy and she just didn't want to think about it. She could let herself fall into a routine with him. He would crack her eventually if she didn't cut him off soon. She knew it too. But other times she loved it, seeing him almost cry with the desire to stay with her. It was the only thing that kept her self-esteem above ground level.
Sometimes she dreamt about him staying though, her letting him in. Strong, hard shelled Violet opening a door she knew she could never close afterwards. She dreamt about him wrapped around her body, a warm cocoon of fatigue. And sometimes he'd stroke her face gently and tell her he loved her over and over again and she basked in it. Then if her sleeping lips would permit, she'd tell him she loved him too. His fingertips hot on her stomach skin as she felt what it truly was like to be loved.
She would wake up, startled and confused. She'd tell herself it was a nightmare not a dream and he would have no idea how she thought of him in her sleep. She knew he was scarred and bruised from the inside out and she didn't want to know why or kiss them better. She didn't want him to know why she was hurt and why her veins popped out in anger all the time.
She didn't want to get close to him or anyone for that matter. That was why she lived in a hole in the wall apartment away from the city and people to hurt her. She was tough and hard and secretive and independent but deep, deep down she was really just a soft, scared, hurt little girl who wanted someone to hold her at night. Especially when she was cold.