'Do you trust me?', Ronan asks Adam, a simple question, the look in his eyes open and not hidden like it is for everyone else. Adam has always been very good at deciphering what's behind it, though. A simple question, but Adam can't make his thoughts as simple. No matter how much he wants it; his mind has a life of its own.
Does Adam trust Ronan? Adam's thoughts are rarely quiet, except for those few moments spent at the Barns; watching the sunset, Ronan's arms wrapped tightly around him and Adam's head gently lying on Ronan's shoulder, fitting into each other the way the branches of the trees used to fit around each other in Cabeswater; or sprawled on the bed, tucked into a loveseat, blanket draped comfortably on his shoulders while he's reading one of the books he used to love as a child when he managed to escape to the library and Ronan sneaking glances at him from across the room where he's doing something else, not realizing Adam notices the soft look on his face every time his eyes land on him.
I suppose she makes me quiet
Adam didn't think he understood when Gansey uttered those words, but now he thinks he's probably always understood them, understood them before he realized it, understood them before Gansey even said them. They're certainly clear to him now. Although Ronan makes Adam's head spin and his heart beat so fast he's sure it can be heard most of the time. Although every time Ronan talks Adam into doing something reckless and definitely stupid, his head screams Don't and his heart screams Love. Although he can barely hear his thoughts in passionate moments tinted red, because of the blood thrumming through his veins. Although Ronan makes him feel like too much is going on in his body all at once. Although Ronan is anything but quiet – at least, that's what he makes people think – he's the only one that can calm Adam down, the only person that can make his brain stop from buzzing, even if it's only a second, the person that can make him quiet.
Does Adam love Ronan then? Yes. He's fairly that whatever overwhelming feeling this is, it comes from love. He just knows; a whisper in the dark, coming from his heart. So yes, he loves Ronan. Even if he has yet to say the words out loud. For fear that it'll change something, that he'll do it wrong somehow, that – So, yes.
Does he trust Ronan? He remembers a conversation they had once, about religion. Ronan is fierce and intense in everything he does and feels, and his faith is no exception. And Adam respects that, understands it, loves it like he loves every other part of Ronan, like he cherishes every other part of Ronan. But he doesn't share it.
'I need facts. I can't just believe something without knowing for certain. I know my dad's not a good person. I know Persephone and Noah are gone and nothing could stop it. I know Gansey's more alive than ever. But that's it. And every miraculous thing that's happened to us, was strictly magic. And it might not make sense, I may not entirely understand it, but I've seen it happen.'
Ronan hummed in understanding. 'That's why it's called faith, I guess. Belief. Because you can't prove anything. It just makes sense in someone's head.'
And now Ronan's asking him if Adam trusts him and he can't stop thinking of all the people that let him down, the people that were supposed to love him unconditionally but who didn't. And he thinks of Ronan who never ever let him down, who always tells the truth and makes Adam feel wanted and worthy and loved, Ronan who never gave him any reason not to trust him. And those are the facts. Adam trusts Ronan because he knows he can. And Adam used to trust no one but himself, not even doing that at times. Because Adam Parrish is his own man. Adam Parrish, army of one, only counts on his future as the thing that keeps him going, keeps him alive. But now, he trust Ronan too.
'Yes', he says, a simple answer. Because it's the truth. And in a way it feels bigger than saying I love you. 'I trust you.'
It feels bigger because he never relied on anything he couldn't control before. He can control the path to his future to some extent. He can control his own free will. But he cannot control what Ronan does. Because Ronan has his own free will too. But Adam does anyway. Because he knows he can and that's all. It's enough.