A/N - It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, this time, I'm writing about Dig Dug. No, not that Dig Dug. Mecha-Dig Dug. You'll find out who he is when you read the story. So, get on it. Read. Not this, the story. Starting now. Oneshot.
Oh, and I own absolutely nothing in this story, besides the story itself. :3
The Terror of Mecha-Dig Dug
It was simply a normal day in Dig Dug's arcade cabinet. The players were especially good that day - the characters believed it to be a high score contest between these two teens and the creators. Nice, very nice. 266,000 and no lives lost yet. This day may indeed make history.
"Go! Go! Go!" yelled the Fygar to the Pooka. The Fygar was being viciously inflated with an air pump. He was trying to tell the Pooka to run off screen as quickly as possible.
"I'm sorry!" shouted Dig Dug. He had burst the same enemies countless times for the past 20 years, and, what's that? There's more than one of each on every level? Those were just clones made with forcefully extracted DNA.
Before the three were forced to be put in this murderous hell that humans called a game, Dig Dug had visited Fygar and Pooka every week to have tea and stuff like that. But not anymore.
After many hours had passed, the game had finally ended. The contest proved that the creators aren't always the best, even at a game they themselves had developed and programmed.
The arcade screen had flickered back on after the manager had officially locked up the shop.
"That was the most tedious game I've ever had to put myself through.", said Dig Dug. "You guys are just too quick."
"Thanks." replied Fygar, "But only after being pumped to death over and over again have I realized how, in our reality, death is only an illusion, and no matter how many times we may face death, we will never truly die until we are forgotten."
The Pooka had no idea what that meant. He was the dumb one in the group, hint, he's a tomato.
"Whatever, let's just head back home and watch TV or something." Climbing through a hole Dig Dug had previously dug, the trio casually walked back, discussing things they wanted to talk about.
"Guys," said Dig Dug, "there's something I've been meaning to tell you."
"What's up?"
"Well, you see, my name isn't really Dig Dug...". Silence. "It's actually Taizo Hori." He awaited for a response.
"Well, duh." said Pooka. What? "Of course we know your name isn't Dig Dug." Fygar continued. "I mean, really. Dig Dug? What kind of name is that?" Taizo wondered how they knew.
"And in case you're wondering how we know, we just do. And because your Wikipedia page said so, too." That'd explain it. Once they reached Pooka's home, something was immediately wrong. His stash was sticking out from under the couch! But something else was wrong too.
The TV wouldn't work. It just showed a blue screen.
"Can a TV get the blue screen of death?" asked Dig Dug.
"Nah, I don't think so." replied Fygar.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, very spontaneously, unexpectedly, and surprisingly, the TV formed an image of what appeared to be Taizo.
"Is that..."
TAIZO HORI: What happen?
FYGAR: Somebody set up us the bomb.
POOKA: We get signal.
TAIZO HORI: What!
POOKA: Main screen turn on.
TAIZO HORI: It's you!
MECHA-DIG DUG: How are you gentlemen!
MECHA-DIG DUG: All your base are belong to us.
MECHA-DIG DUG: You are on the way to destruction.
TAIZO HORI: What you say!
MECHA-DIG DUG: You have no chance to survive make your time.
MECHA-DIG DUG: Ha ha ha ha ...
THE TV: Quickly was channel changed.
"So Pooka.", Fygar started off, "Now that we have no chance to survive and must make our time, what should we do?"
"We could read the stash over and over again?" Dig Dug stamped his foot on the ground.
"Are we really gonna let some mechanical me take over the world without our permission?" Enough with the heroism.
"I, Taizo "Dig Dug" (W)Hor(e)i, officially declare war on this, this, imposter! And I promise to never cease fire until this robotic fiend ceases to exist!"
He gave a few nervous glances. How'd he get on top of this table anyway?
"So, ahem, are you guys with me or not?"
"Not."
And so, Dig Dug went in alone and was completely and utterly obliterated in a matter of seconds.
THE END
...But, for the sake of the story, let's say the guys were in...
"Alright, Dig, we're in!" said Fygar.
"Well, actually- I MEAN, YES, I WILL JOIN YOU!" added Pooka, "But there's only one problem. Where do we go?"
"According to this map of the entire world I coincidentally have, these white markers are us...and the flag is our goal." Tucking the map in his unrealistically large inventory which is invisible from a top-down perspective, they were immediately zoomed out into the world.
"Woah! When did we turn into giants?" Fygar felt like a real dragon at this size. Taizo, on the other hand, still only felt like a giant.
It took only 7 steps to get to what was called "The Scarlet Devil Mansion". It sounds like a nice place, doesn't it?
The trio were intrigued to find they were back to normal size, but were next to people in a higher resolution.
In front of the gate, a certain Chinese guard was sleeping on the job. Being the psychopath he is, Taizo awoke her.
"Uh, hello there. We are seeking entry into th-"
"Halt! Who goes there?" Hong Meiling jumped to her feet.
"It's uh, Taizo Hori, Fy-"
"Sakuya who? No wait, I mean, you shall not pass!" ...Gandalf?
"I think we better get out of-"
"Illusion Sign: Flower Imaginary Dream Vine!"
"Wait, wha...!" Fygar stood there, mouth agape. There were just so many bullets, he couldn't keep track as to what was going on! They didn't know what to do until the bullets ceased fire.
"What the hell was that?"
"Danmaku.", came a cheerful voice.
"Who are you?" asked Pooka.
"I'm the Grim Reaper! I'm not always grim though, sometimes I'm the Drunk Reaper, or the Happy Reaper, or the Ninja Reaper!" So, did this mean...
"So, does that mean we're all dead?" asked the guy who looks like a gundam with no special weaponry whatsoever besides a harpoon tipped air-pump and a jackhammer he uses to dig at impossible speeds.
"Yup.", the Reaper replied. "But, tell you what. I still have a farm full of souls to reap, and I've made a schedule that brings my harvesting down to the second, and the last thing I need are three more spirits."
"So I'm gonna give a "Get Out of Death Free" card to you all."
"So get out."
A pair of robots appeared and shot a hole in a wall, sucking our protagonists in and launching them back to their save points.
It took them a while to figure out that they didn't really have to go to the Scarlet Devil Mansion, mainly because, when searching for a walkthrough, ZUN crashed their world. After attempts at a reboot, they were finally back on track.
Unfazed, Taizo Hori pressed on. "Next stop, Shinju Forest!"
"No."
"...Umm, okay then. Next stop, finding Mecha-Dig Dug!"
"That won't be a problem."
"What you say!" Taizo was on edge, air-pump at the ready.
POP. A rush of air grazed the digger's back. Then another. POP.
He swiveled on his heels, only to find a deflated and helpless Fygar.
"No!" shouted the gundam guy, "Fygar!" He kneeled by his side.
"It's okay buddy. Pooka's already spawned back home. I've only got a second before I spawn again too, so I'll wish you this..."
"May the Force be ever in your favor..." The greenish dragon ascended into the heavens, blinked a few times, and disappeared back to his spawn point.
"Now it's only you and me..." said Mecha-Dig Dug.
A wild Mecha-Dig Dug appeared!
Go! Taizo Hori!
[FIGHT] PKMN
ITEM RUN
Taizo Hori used Air Pump! He missed!
Mecha-Dig Dug used Eye Beams! It's super effective!
FIGHT PKMN
ITEM [RUN]
"You can't escape, Dig Dug! This is a boss fight!"
A tired, beaten Dig Dug lay on the ground. Maybe his death would be quick, and this robot guy wouldn't impale him with a harpoon and blow him up.
"Say hello to my little friend!" the mechanical monster shouted, and took out what appeared to be another air pump.
'This is my chance!'
Being the quick thinker he is, he dove 10 pixels and dodged the dreaded tip.
"I missed! :("
"He missed! :)"
Sprinting in, he quickly used his own pump, only for the sharpened bit at the end to bounce harmlessly off his metallic coating.
Mecha-Dig Dug laughed at his vain attempt, and decided to take his sweet time getting to him, stopping for a drink of iced tea. Coincidentally under an overhanging cliff. With a giant boulder just happening to be at the top. And how Mecha-Dig Dug apparently didn't notice him slip by and climb up the cliff.
Using his Jackhammer of Justice, Dig Dug severed the tip of the cliff the boulder was resting on, sending down 2,000 pounds of rock on to Mecha-Dig Dug, instantly crushing its internal wiring.
Too bad there is no room for a "I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" because there was only Taizo Hori left and the robot guy wasn't a person. Or maybe he was, but he was so thoroughly pancaked to the ground no one could tell.
Now you know the tale of the Legendary Dig Dug, Taizo Hori, and how he saved the world by destroying his mechanical self.
Epilogue
"It was that bad?" asked Pooka.
"You bet. Remains of his blood, or oil, I think, was splattered all over the boulder." He wanted a better way to describe it, because Fygar was having trouble formulating an image of the scenario.
"Think of it as like squashing a rhinoceros beetle under a 20 pound rock, thrown down with as much force as you could possibly muster."
"That's more like it." replied Fygar.
"But now that that's done with, what are we gonna do? Because we don't have lives anymore."
Taizo thought it over. "Well, I say we go back to the arcades." There were some gasps heard around.
"I thought you hated that place!" Pooka said in alarm.
"Well, I suppose it beats having to save the world. I mean, no one will even remember what we did." Said Fygar.
"Not to mention we'll gain a lot more attention due to nostalgia in the future. 'Cause, really, who feels nostalgic about superhero stories?" added the gundam guy.
So it was decided they would go back to the Dig Dug arcade cabinet. Taizo was already formulating a new theme song, which ended up as the Dig Dug theme, gaining him lots of wealth and junk arcade characters don't need.
"So, the only thing we really have to do now is, well, what do we do with the hundreds of dollars in quarters that we earned?"
The End. For Real. Fin. Bye. Read the author's note now.
A/N - There you have it. Review. Review it now. Now! Now I tell you! Review the story!