I don't own yada yada yada.
I got the idea when I was watching Dead Uncles and Vegetables for about the umpteenth time.
Chapter One- An Excess of Midgets
The Diner was in chaos. Every table was full and there was a line out the door.
"I need more coffee!" someone said, rather loudly.
"Is that my food?" someone else called.
"Just a minute!" Jess Mariano shouted at the crowd. Then the phone began to ring. "Oh jeez," he muttered, picking up the phone as the customers began to shout at him.
"Is that my food?" someone shouted again.
"Yes it's your food!" Jess shouted back.
"Well can I have it?"
"Can't you see I'm on the phone?" he asked. Then he turned his attention back to the phone as the chef passed him plates from the back room. "Yes. No, this is Jess Mariano. No, he's not here. No I don't know when he'll be back. Sure, I'll hold." He rolled his eyes and walked around the counter.
"Hey!" someone shouted.
"Whoa whoa whoa!" April Nardini said, entering the Diner just as Jess almost decapitated someone with the phone cord. "Let me take those," she reached out and grabbed the plates. "Where do these go?"
"Eggs go to the crank at table three," he said, returning to the counter. "Pancakes to the lady with the kid. Thanks."
"I'm not a crank, he's a crank!" the crank shouted.
"No problem," she replied, delivering the plates.
"Yes this-" Jess said when the person returned on the phone. "Okay I'll hold."
"Can I get a table soon?" someone from the line asked angrily.
"Hold on!" Jess replied. "Ah screw it," he muttered, dropping the phone on the counter. Whoever it was would just have to wait.
"Hey Jess, can we get some more coffee?" Lorelai asked when he approached the table she Sookie and Michel were sitting at.
"You can take the whole pot," he replied. "If you go upstairs!"
"Someone's cranky."
"Well yeah someone's cranky," he said. "I've got a long line of customers with nowhere to be seated. And I've got three people that aren't gonna be paying using up three tables."
"Bummer," Lorelai said, not taking the hint. "Sounds like you're really in the weeds," she added, grinning.
Jess glared at her. "I. Meant. You. Go upstairs!"
"We can't go upstairs!" she exclaimed.
"Why not!"
"The kids are up there, its an absolute madhouse. We won't be able to get anything done!"
"So my establishment has to suffer? I don't care where you go, just get out!"
"It's not like you need the money," she muttered.
"OUT!" he shouted.
"Fine Mr. Sourpuss," she said, motioning for Sookie and Michel to follow her out.
"Finally!" several people in line said as Jess moved the tables that had been repositioned by Lorelai and her cohorts.
"April, can you take their orders?" Jess asked as he returned to the phone.
"Sure boss," she replied.
"Hello?" he asked. "No, I- Okay then."
A moment later Rory came stumbling down the stairs, clutching her laptop.
"It's a madhouse up there!" she informed him. "And apparently down here as well."
"What can I say? Lane and Zack are on tour; Luke is somewhere with my mom and Caesar had to go town to Florida to visit his sick mother. I'm dying here."
"Well, at least you've got April and David," Rory shrugged.
"April only got here two minutes ago and David has already screwed up three orders. Didn't help that your mom was using three tables to plan something at the Inn. Oh yeah, and some idiot called asking about Luke, then put me on hold. Who calls then puts you on hold?!"
"I don't know honey," she replied, patting his back comfortingly. "Listen, I just got an email from your publisher…"
"Oh jeez," he said, shifting the laptop so he could read it, still holding the phone between his ear and shoulder.
"Can I get some more coffee!" someone shouted.
Jess raised a free hand and flicked him off.
"Put that away," Rory told him. "I'll take care of it." She reached for the coffee pot.
Just then her cell phone started ringing.
-
When Luke Danes entered his diner, he thought he'd entered a mob scene.
"What the hell?" he asked.
The diner was a mess. Almost every table was full, and the ones that weren't had yet to be cleared. There was a long line of people weaving in and out of tables. Jess was behind the counter, back facing the customers, attempting to talk on the phone and type on the laptop at the same time. Rory was standing next to him, holding a cell phone to her ear with one hand, pouring a cup of coffee with the other. What was worse was that her mother was holding a second phone to her daughter's ear.
Everything was so loud he could only catch snippets of conversations.
"No Lane… I swear to… Paris settle down… Put me on hold again… Mom, help!"
"What the hell?" Luke asked again, approaching the group behind the counter.
"We're understaffed," nineteen year old April Nardini informed him, grabbing three plates from David as he passed them through the window.
"Apparently everyone decided that they wanted to call during the lunch rush," Lorelai said.
"How long have you been waiting?" Luke asked someone in line.
Gypsy looked down at her watch. "Twenty-two minutes," she said.
"Listen up!" Luke shouted. "Anyone that's been waiting longer than twenty minutes gets meals half price."
Several people sighed with relief.
"What the hell is going on here?" Luke asked once all the tables had been cleared and orders had been taken.
"Here," Jess said, handing him the diner phone. "Some guy wants to talk to you. I've been on hold of and on for the last fifteen minutes."
"Mom," Rory said. "Take this upstairs and have Steve and Kwan talk to Lane so her panic can be eased and I can deal with Paris."
Lorelai nodded, taking her daughters cell phone.
"Okay Paris, lets try this again. Use your words," Rory said into the other phone as Luke began to shout into his own phone.
"Finally," Jess exclaimed, shutting the laptop.
"Paris, I can't. Why can't you just call a baby sitter? … Because I've already got to much to deal with… Paris, my deadline is in twelve hours and I've got seven kids upstairs with another coming in an hour… No, one more won't make much of a difference, but I'm already on the verge of throwing myself off a building… Fine paris, whatever. Have Doyle drop him off… Bye." Rory sighed and closed the phone, dropped it into a cup of coffee that had been abandoned and began banging her head into the wall.
"What was that about?" Jess asked, finally able to help pass out food.
"Paris wants me to baby-sit James," she replied, taking a few plates from David as well.
"You mean we're gonna have to deal with another screaming midget!? Why?"
"Something about going into labor. I swear, pregnant women suck. Think the whole world revolves around them."
"What was that?" Luke asked as a large banging sound came from above.
"Just the screaming midgets," Jess said nonchalantly.
"Screaming midgets?" he asked.
"Well, apparently while you were gone for two weeks, we've started a baby-sitting service," Jess replied, seating a couple near a window.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means," Rory said. "That while you were away, Mom left Fred with us because she didn't want them to destroy the Inn. When Sookie and Jackson found out, they decided to send Davey, Martha and Jonah to us, rather than continue actually paying for a baby-sitter."
"Then Lane and the band were offered a chance to be with the Skid Row reunion tour. Guess who gets to take care of Kwan and Steve for the next two months? That's right, the Gilmore-Mariano Baby-sitting Service."
"Then Liz called," Rory said. "She and TJ are leaving for their honeymoon the second you guys got back. Which means she'll be dropping Dula off in an hour."
"You guys are so screwed," Luke laughed. Rory and Jess just glared back at him.
"Rory!" Lorelai shouted, running down the stairs. "Lori dropped your phone in a bucket of paint. Then when I told her to give it back, she dumped it on my head. Look at my shoes! These were brand new." Blood red paint was dripping down her hair, staining her leopard print blouse, her denim pants and her black boots.
Rory, Luke and Jess all attempted, unsuccessfully, to stifle their laugher.
"Lorelai Emily Gilmore!" Rory shouted a moment later, straightening herself and putting on the mean face.
"Yes mommy?" a small girl asked innocently when she came down the stairs, slightly out of breath.
Rory glared at her, then Pointed at Lorelai.
Lori turned to her grandmother and glared. "Tattletale!"
"Don't talk to your grandmother like that," Jess told her.
Lori turned to him an made a face. Then something red came flying at him. He quickly ducked out of the way, then turned to watch as Kirk was pinged in the head by the cell phone. All began laughing as it slid off his face, landing in his eggs and leaving a red streak down his face.
"Lori!" Rory shouted. Her daughter stuck her tongue out at her and ran back up stairs.
"Lorelai, you okay?" Jess asked, noticing the look on her face.
"I'm too young to be a grandma!" she shrieked, running out of the diner.
Rory laughed.
"Okay, I have an article to finish. I'll be by the lake," she said, grabbing the laptop. With that she too left the diner.
About five minutes later, Lorelai walked back into the diner.
"Can I have my phone back?" she asked, holding out a hand.
"Sure," Jess said, reaching for a pair of tongs. He stuck them into a coffee cup and retrieved her phone, setting it in the palm of her hand.
"Oh that's just wonderful," she muttered, grabbing a napkin to wipe it off.
Okay, so random plot bunny, no? Did you like? You know you did.
I have no idea if this is going to be continued or not, let me know what you think and if you want more of this insanity.
Reviews are loved.
Ella