A Letter to Mary Sues and Parody Writers from Treebeard Lord of Fangorn Forest.

By arelenriel

To: Fan Fiction Writers Inc

Anywhere, Earth

July 23, 2006

From: Lord Treebeard Barumrlalhumratathreandomba

Fangorn Forest:

Eregion, Middle Earth

July 23, Sixth Age of Middle Earth

To whom it may concern:

We Ents have a few issues with you humans right now. This is as a result of serious misspellings of the name of our forests, consistent droppings of strangers from Earth into our lands, and the slanderous accusations against our friends the Elves. So we have decided to write an open letter to all fan fictions writers in order to correct these mistakes.

1: It is Fangorn Forest not Faghorn Forest, Please read the Lord of the Rings and Check Chapter 4 of the Two Towers for the correct spelling of Fangorn.

2. It is physically impossible for an Ent to have sexual relations with any of the other children of Iluvater (if you have not read the books in your world he is called God) other then possible Yavanna in her tree form which we would not do. She is married to Aule god of Smiths and Crafting. He would chop us up to use as kindling in his forges for that.

Elves, humans, hobbits, and especially dwarves are out of the question. Besides we are all married as well and would never cheat on the Entwives even if we do not see them until the End of Days.

3. I was never in a threesome with Legolas and Gimli see above statement for reasons why.

4. I am not a self hating evil bastard that allowed Saruman to chop down the Ents and Huorns that I hated for his Orc Factory.

5. Although I get along fairly well with all of the races I have not, nor will I ever raise one of their children. It is physically impossible for an Ent to care for the child of any other race without squashing it. The Hobbits were so small that if they had not drunk Ent Water they would not have survived their sojourn in our woods.

6. It is stupid and foolish to continually set my forest on fire as a plot bunny. I am the servant of Yavanna. Do you think that this would realistically happen in in my woods?

7. If you are in doubt about any plot points in Lord of the Rings always refer to the books. The movies although good were not accurate. If you don't like to read get the audio books. I have listened to them and they are almost as good as the written copy. Although they do not have the appendices where most of the real information about Arda is found.

8. Always refer to the indexes for proper usage of Elven, Rohirric, and Westron. Not various websites that claim to teach Elven. Do not mix Quenya and Sindarin unless there is no choice. Quenya is like Latin. It is used in ME only by scholars and for concepts such as the Two Trees that the Sindarin elves have no concept of. Much like Latin in your Earth is used only by Lawyers and Medical Professionals.

9. Remember Elf Lords (and purists) get really ticked off when there children (Elladan/Elrohir/Arwen/Aragorn/Legolas etc) are continually injured. It makes me mad when it happens in my forest. Do you know how hard it is to adequately clean orc (or human, elf, dwarf, hobbit, eagle, Beorning etc) blood off of leaves. It kills the young trees and makes Fangorn and really unpleasant place to live.

Be kind to ME or you might have a ticked off Ent visiting a location near you…..

Sincerely

Treebeard of Fangorn