The One With The Hulk!
by Adeline gossy@wanadoo.frDISCLAIMER : None of the characters herein are mine, blahblahblah, don't sue.
Ok, here we go. This is an ER/Friends crossover. I have never written such a thing before, so, if it sucks--well, it sucks! Anyway…
February 2003: Doug is back to Chicago since May 2000 (heehee) and Carol (H.) never left. Chandler & Monica are happily married. If it makes you happy, so are Mark & Elizabeth (C.). And uh…let's say Joey and Dave are cousins, it will make more sense. (How convenient that both their names sound Italian!). Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E has become the world's n°1 tv show, watched by 3 billion of people worldwide! (I know, that's a big break for Joey!) Joey's almost never there, so, Rachel and Phoebe live in his old apartment, and he uses Monica and Chandler's spare room when he comes visit, about twice a month.
Also, if season6 ER newcomers are nothing like in the show, well that's normal 'cause I haven't seen one single episode from ER's season6 yet. Blame the stupid French channel that won't show it before late September. Anyway…
[Teaser - Central Perk, New York City, NY (or NJ, whatever!). The gang minus Phoebe and Joey are there. Monica is talking on her cell-phone…]
MONICA: (on the phone)Oh my God, Pheebs! How come you never told us?! … Well, yeah, but still! You could've written… What?! You're NINE MONTHS pregnant and all this time you didn't tell us?!
ALL: (shocked) What??!
MONICA: (still on the phone) Pheebs, we're boarding on the first plane to Chicago… What are you talking about? We aren't gonna miss that! … Alright, bye Pheebs! (to the gang) Phoebe never flew back here because she was pregnant, and she "hates to drive in Chicago"…
RACHEL: Oh my God…
ROSS: How on Earth is that even possible?!
MONICA: I don't know, I guess she met a Mr. Perfect there…
CHANDLER: Or, a half sibling unable to procreate… (Nobody laughs, they're all still pretty shocked)… So, seriously, does anyone even remember why she went there in the first place?
ROSS: Yeah, she had that…job offer there, I think…
RACHEL: Yeah, in a… big massage institute…
MONICA: Wasn't that supposed to be a temp job?
ROSS: Yeah, but then they decided to hire her full time… or at least that she said to us! Oh my God do you think Phoebe lied?!
ALL: No! (beat-everyone is thinking) (shocked) Maybe…
MONICA: Well, we'll soon find out. We're all going to Chicago this week-end!
[OPENING CREDITS – Imagine the music of ER, and a mixture of clips, ala Friends, with all the characters from both shows. Or vice-versa]
[Cook County, Chicago, IL - Slow day in the ER. Dave is at the admin desk, chatting with Jerry and Randi]
DAVE: I'm telling you, Joey Tribbiani is my cousin!
JERRY: Really?
RANDI: Who's Joey Tribbiani?
(Doug passes by and overhears her)
DOUG: (passing by) That filthy rich all-buff-no-brain guy with a huge villa on Hollywood hills, of that show everybody likes…uh, Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
RANDI: Oh, him!
JERRY: Dave's his cousin!
RANDI: (losing interest) Yeah, right ! When hell freezes over!
(Doug chuckles and continues his way to the elevator)
DAVE: Well, you better get your coat, miss, because my cousin is shooting on location out here today…
RANDI: I'll believe it when I see it!
DAVE: O-kay… Let me use the phone.
[A private jet. A cell-phone rings. And a hand gets it. That of drumroll please Joey Tribbiani]
JOEY: Joey Tribbiani… Oh, Dave, hi. How's it going in the ER? Any hot babes in sight?… Yeah, sure… No problem, but I gotta visit a friend too, so I won't be able to stay long… Ok, seeya…
(He hangs up, and tucks his phone back in his pocket.)
[New York City, NJ (or NY, whatever !) – An airport gate, the gang minus Phoebe and Joey are about to get onboard a plane to Chicago]
MONICA: You know, I can't believe she never told us anything!
CHANDLER: She just did.
MONICA: Haha… I meant, all this time! How long has it been since she left now? Six, seven months?
RACHEL: Seven… Remember, you guys were just back from your honeymoon, and Joey had to shoot exteriors in Chicago so, they shared a plane.
ROSS: (thinking) Seven months… (gasps) Oh my God, she was already pregnant when she left!
CHANDLER: (sarcastic) Wow, you're good…
MONICA: (angry) She knew about it and she left?! She knew and she left?!!
CHANDLER: Easy Mon…
RACHEL: Yeah, people are looking.
CHANDLER: Hey, by the way, whereabouts is Joey now?
RACHEL: L.A., till next weekend.
LOUDSPEAKER: The flight 7564 for Chicago, will be leaving in thirty minutes. The passengers are invited to get onboard…. (repeat)
ROSS: That's us, let's go…
[Cook County, Chicago, IL-Doug and Carol are walking down a hall, heading to the nursery]
DOUG: You know what I heard today?
CAROL: Tell me.
DOUG: You know that guy from the (impresses tv previews voiceover)" best show on Earth " ?
CAROL: Um… no?
DOUG: You sure? A Joey-something…
CAROL: Oh, right, Joey Tribbiani. Tess is crazy about him!
DOUG: What do you mean she's only three!
CAROL: Yeah, she watches the show with me, she loves it. Anyway, what's with him?
DOUG: Well, rumor has it that Malucci's his cousin.
CAROL:(chuckles) Yeah right! And when will you stop gossiping?
DOUG: I don't gossip, I just happened to…overhear a conversation.
(As he speaks those words, they reach the nursery and stand by the window, watching their twins. Absorbed by the vision of her girls playing, Carol is no longer listening.)
CAROL: Look at them… They're so cute playing together.
DOUG: I know…
CAROL: (Turning to Doug) Thank you.
DOUG: Why?
CAROL: (Looks him in the eyes) For giving me the most beautiful babies… (They start crying loudly - the twins, not Doug and Carol!)
DOUG: You mean, the loudest babies! (serious) Thank you… (beat) Anyway, they seem pretty hungry, let's go in.
(They enter the nursery and pick up one girl each)
[A small airport in Chicago, IL-A jet lands, and a limo pulls up a few yards from it. Two bodyguards escort a tall, dark-haired man in a nice dark suit, to it. In case you hadn't noticed, it's Joey.]
JOEY: (looks around him, excited) CHICAGO, baby! (He gets in the limo. To the chauffeur) Cook County Hospital, please…
[A big airport in Chicago, IL. A large plane is about to land. Inside the plane…]
LOUDSPEAKER: We will be landing in Chicago in eight minutes, please, for your own safety, fasten your seatbelts. The exterior temperature is 60 degrees, and the interior temperature is 68 degrees… (repeat)
RACHEL: Wow, it sounds cold out there.
CHANDLER: Well, it's not L.A.
RACHEL: Ugh, Joey's so lucky.
ROSS: So um, does Phoebe meet us at the airport or…
MONICA: She told me to call when we arrived.
[Cook County. Joey enters, and Jerry's jaw drops open as he walks up to the admin desk.]
JOEY: Hi, I'm looking for Dave Malucci. Is he in?
(Jerry can't get a word out)
JOEY: You okay?
(Mark approaches them)
MARK: Can I help you?
JOEY: No thanks, but he (points to Jerry) might need a doctor. He hasn't spoken a word since I arrived.
MARK: That's Jerry, he'll be alright. You're Joey Tribbiani, right?
JOEY: Yeah…
MARK: Then that's it. He's gonna be out of control telling everybody you were here once you're gone… Oh sorry, I'm Mark Greene, ER resident. (Holds out his hand, and Joey shakes it)
JOEY: (puzzled) Did you say Green?
MARK: Yeah, why?
JOEY: Do you by any chance know a Rachel Green?
MARK: (bemused) Sure, she's my daughter. A big fan of yours.
JOEY: (totally confused) Eh?
MARK: Sorry, I have to work, it was nice meeting you.
JOEY: (not even paying attention) Ditto.
(Dave steps out of an elevator and sees his cousin from afar)
DAVE: (walking up to Joey) Joey!! Hey! You made it.
JOEY: Hey man! So? What didya call me here for… (his cell-phone rings again. He takes a few steps away from Dave and briefly ends the conversation, and turns to his cousin) …Sorry, gotta go. See you around!
(And with this he walks out of the ER, leaving poor Dave behind, before he could even show off his cousin to the nursing staff…)
[A typical apartment, in a semi busy street of Chicago. Phoebe, very pregnant, is playing drum and singing…]
PHOEBE: Lalalaaalaaalalalaaa…
(There's a knock on the door. Phoebe cast her drum aside and gets it. It's, of course, her friend Joey.)
JOEY: Hey Pheebs!
PHOEBE : (genuinely happy) Oh, Joey, hi!! Come in, come in!! (Joey obeys) How's my superstar? We haven't talked in such a long time! Oh God, I haven't seen you since the wedding!
JOEY: Well I'm doing great! I get tons of scenarios everyday, I make big money, all the girls I want… Being known is really cool, you know!
PHOEBE: You already got all the girls you wanted before!
JOEY: Well, not always…
PHOEBE: You seem happy!
JOEY: I think I am. But you know I miss you! (Phoebe shyly chuckles)
PHOEBE: (excited) Oh, and Monica, Chandler, Ross & Rachel are coming to visit today! Iiichk!
JOEY: Hey, that's great… (notices the big belly) Oh, I see you're making people again, who's the lucky fella?
PHOEBE: (having her first contraction) Ow…
JOEY: What's wrong?
PHOEBE: Ok, um, I gotta tell you something-Oww…
JOEY: What?
PHOEBE: I'm pregnant…
JOEY: (interrupting and panicking) I can see that! Pheebs you're going into labor…
PHOEBE: …with your child.
JOEY: (shocked) What?!
PHOEBE: (all bossy) Ok, as much as I want to get into details now, I can't really! So, please leave a message for the guys on my machine and get me to a hospital! Ooowwww!
JOEY: Ok, ok, umm…(rushes over to Phoebe's answering-machine, and leaves a message) Hi uh…Phoebe's making babies again ! I'm taking her to the hospital. Please call again later! (To Phoebe) Ok, I got a limo waiting downstairs, come with me…
[Cook County's lounge. Dave, Chuny and Lily are there.]
DAVE: He was here! Why won't you just believe me?
CHUNY: Pigs don't fly, do they?
(Chuny and Lily laugh. Mark comes in.)
MARK: What's so funny?
LILY: Dave was telling us Joey Tribbiani just came down to say hi.
MARK: (casually) He did, I talked to him.
CHUNY & LILY: What?!
DAVE: Ah, see, I was not lying!
(Kerry sticks her head in)
KERRY: Malucci, eight months pregnant 26 year-old healthy woman complaining of abdominal pain waiting in exam 2, go get it.
DAVE: Your wish is my command, Dr. Weaver! (And he immediately exits the lounge)
[Exam 2, five minutes later]
DAVE: Well, Mrs. Bailey, it looks like those babies will be coming out early…
MRS. BAILEY: But I haven't even chosen the names yet!
DAVE: How about… Dave? Anyway, Dr. Ross will come see you to see if we need to do a C-section, or if we can just engage labor, and then we'll take you up to maternity-or, surgery. You have nothing to worry about.
(He exits the room, and bumps into Carter)
CARTER: Hey, sorry!
DAVE: It's ok, man. Hey, could you beep Ross on an eight month pregnant woman with abdominal pains? I gotta go do something.
CARTER: Sure, no problem.
DAVE: (walking away) Thanks, pal. (He gets to a payphone and dials Joey's number. No response) Dammit!
[Chicago's airport, the gang are waiting around, as Monica dials Phoebe's number]
MONICA: (to the others) Answering machine… (listens to Joey's message. To herself, aloud) That's Joey's voice… Oh, my! (She hangs up) You guys are not going to believe this : Joey's in Chicago with Phoebe, and she's in labour, he took her to a hospital!
ALL: What?!!/ OhmyGod!
ROSS: What hospital?
MONICA: (frantic) Don't know, he didn't say. Ok, um, you go to… um… What are the damn Chicago hospitals called?!!
RACHEL: (talking fast) Um, there's Cook County General, and uh… Mercy, and a third one who's name I can't recall…
ROSS: How on Earth do you know that?
CHANDLER: Guess it pays off watching cute doctors on tv, huh?
MONICA: No time for jokes. You go to Mercy, and Chandler and I will go to County, ok?
[Joey's limo, Phoebe's in more pain with each contraction]
JOEY: (to the chauffeur) Can't you hurry up for once?!
CHAUFFEUR: Hey, traffic jam! I do what I can, I'm taking ya to the nearest hospital…
JOEY: You better! (to Phoebe) You'll be okay, Pheebs, breathe…
[Cook County. Jerry and Randi are at the admin desk when Chandler & Monica come rushing in.]
CHANDLER: Hi, do you have a Phoebe Buffay?
RANDI: Phoebe Buffay…Phoebe Buffay… Nope, sorry, no one by that name.
MONICA: Or a Joey Tribbiani? (Chandler looks at her funny) You never know!
RANDI: Oh, no! Dave sent you here?
CHANDLER:(confused) What?
(Joey comes running through the doors)
JOEY: (frantically) Someone help me! My baby's being born! (To Jerry) You, go get Dave Malucci!
JERRY: Um…uh, yeah…sure.
(Jerry picks up a phone, and as Joey rushes back out to get Phoebe; everyone is confused. Chandler and Monica exchange shocked, puzzled looks)
RANDI: Joey Tribbiani is married?!
CHANDLER/MONICA: Nooo!
CHANDLER: At least we don't think so… What's with him and Phoebe?
(Joey comes back with Phoebe in a wheelchair he just found as Dave arrives.)
PHOEBE: (seeing Chandler and Monica) Hey guys! (waves at them). Owww!
(They are speechless)
DAVE: Hey Joe! (sees Phoebe, dripping wet, in the wheelchair). Whoa! Who's she? Ok, um, you know what? Doesn't matter, I'm taking her up to maternity.
JOEY: (sees Chandler and Monica) Hey, what are you guys doing here?
MONICA: We heard about Phoebe's pregnancy yesterday, so we said we'd come visit, and when we called there was your message on her answering-machine saying she'd gone into labor. What are you doing here?
JOEY: Well, I had to shoot exteriors here-
CHANDLER: Again?
JOEY: Yeah, the story is set here, remember?
MONICA: Joey?
JOEY: Yeah?
MONICA: Focus!
JOEY: Oh, yeah, sorry. So, I'm shooting tomorrow, and I thought I'd come one day early to see Pheebs-
MONICA: And you knew she was pregnant?!
JOEY: Nooo! I was surprised to see that, and when I asked about it, she went into labor and blurted out I was the father!
CHANDLER: What? How?
(Carol comes up to them)
CAROL: Um, excuse me, Joey Tribbiani?
JOEY: Yeah?
CAROL: Follow me, we got a mother asking for you.
(Joey obeys and Chandler and Monica watch as he follows Carol to an elevator. She looks back and mouths an "Oh-my-God" to Jerry and Randi. Only after the elevator has left, Chandler and Monica are able to speak again)
MONICA: Wow, this is unbelievable. Yesterday Joey was… well, Joey, and now…
CHANDLER: I know…
MONICA: Ok, um, I'm gonna call Ross, he's probably worried.
RANDI (who's been watching and listening to the whole conversation): What? Did he know about this?
CHANDLER: No more than we did.
RANDI: Well, he's on duty.
(Carol gets back)
MONICA: No, no, Ross isn't on duty, Ross is my brother!
CAROL: He has a sister??
MONICA: (annoyed) I'm sorry, do I know you?
CAROL: Oh, sorry, I'm Carol Hathaway, we're engaged.
CHANDLER/MONICA: What?!
CHANDLER:(sarcastic) Oh, I'm so glad we came to Chicago…
CAROL: What did I say?
(There's an awkward silence where they're all staring at each other. Doug arrives)
DOUG: (to Carol) Hey.
CAROL: (confused) Hey. Umm, do you know her (points to Monica) ?
MONICA: (interrupting) I don't know him. (To Doug) You do look familiar though.
DOUG: (not sure what to say)Umm, ok. (To Carol) Hey uh, you wanna grab a cup of coffee with me on the roof?
CAROL: Sure! (To Chandler and Monica) Oh, by the way, your friend and her baby are doing fine!
(They walk away)
RANDI: Ohh, so you meant another Ross…sorry.
MONICA: (a bit annoyed) It's okay! Can I use your phone?
[The roof. Doug and Carol are there, hugging, just savoring the moment]
CAROL: So? What's up?
DOUG: I just delivered premature twins a half hour ago…
CAROL: Ohh… Are they alright?
DOUG: Yeah, and, and they were so cute… and their parents were so happy… it reminded me of how…
CAROL: (placing a finger on his lips) Shh… I know.
DOUG: It will never happen again, I promise…
CAROL: (chuckles) I sure hope not!
(They look deep into each other's eyes)
CAROL: (serious) It wasn't just your fault, you know…
DOUG: Oh, I love you so much!
CAROL: I know…
(They kiss)
[Phoebe's room. Next to her bed is that of Mrs. Bailey and her twins. The whole gang and the baby boy are there. Joey's sitting on the bed, holding it very carefully. Haleh, is watching through the window.]
MONICA: You guys, he's beautiful!
PHOEBE/JOEY: Thanks!
CHANDLER: So, what are you gonna name him?
PHOEBE: I don't know…
JOEY: Oooooh, what about… Hoyt!
MRS. BAILEY: Oh, Hoyt is a great name!
(They all look at her, and look away again)
PHOEBE: (finshing her sentence, looking at Joey) We have that yet to discuss!
RACHEL: Now, you guys, how exactly did this happen?
(Yosh has now joined Haleh, and they're still watching)
PHOEBE: Well, first, my water broke, but I didn't feel it…
RACHEL: Nonono, I mean, you and Joey…
PHOEBE: Oh that… Joey, you tell the story.
JOEY: (embarrassed) Ok, um, well, uh…
PHOEBE: (quickly) It happened at your wedding! (points towards Monica and Chandler)
ALL except Joey: What?!
[The hall, outside the room. Carter passes by.]
CARTER: What are you two doing? Gossiping again?
HALEH/YOSH: Yeah.
CARTER: Jesus… (looks more closely at the people in the room) Christ! Is that Joey Tribbiani in there?
HALEH/YOSH: Yeop!
(Carter sticks around and watches with them)
[Inside the room]
JOEY: Well, yeah!! You know, I hadn't hooked up with one girl… and some drunken guy thought I was Chandler's brother…
CHANDLER: Thanks, pal.
JOEY: And you know…we just happened to drink alot that night, and created Hoyt.
PHOEBE: (authoritatively) I know no Hoyt!
MRS. BAILEY: (insisting) Hoyt is a great name!
(They all look at her)
PHOEBE: Yeah, right! Why not Cougar, while you're at it?
MRS. BAILEY: Mmm… I like Cougar!
(They all look away again.)
MONICA: So, all this time you've been seeing each other and not telling us?
JOEY: No! I didn't even know she was pregnant! I dropped by to say hi and she went into labor, telling me it was my kid.
(Lydia, Chuny, Malik and Lily have now joined Carter, Haleh and Yosh)
PHOEBE: Sorry. But you seem so happy living like that you know, a new girl each night! And, (points to the others) I didn't tell you guys anything 'cause… well, I didn't know how you'd react.
JOEY: But Pheebs! You should have told me! I love that baby! And I wasn't… happy, it was just… fun.
(No one dares speak)
PHOEBE: Really?
(There is now a crowd of people, including patients, outside the room)
JOEY: Yeah! In fact, you know what? I'm gonna quit Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. , to take care of my family, and you…you will marry me. (hesitantly) Right?
PHOEBE: No! You can't give up all that for us.
JOEY: I want to! I don't need that job anymore, I have you and our child, that's great!
PHOEBE: Oh okay. Then yeah, I'll marry you Mr. Tribbiani.
ALL but Phoebe and Joey: Oh my God!/Wow!
PHOEBE: So umm, isn't it when we're supposed to kiss?
JOEY: (all happy) Sure!
(They kiss, and the gang smile at each other, while the crowd cheers and applauds)
CHANDLER: Ok, um, I got a couple of questions. Who are they? And… how the hell do we get out of here?!
[The admin desk, Randi's on the phone, as Dave comes up to her]
DAVE: Hey. Seen my cousin?
RANDI: Follow the cheers.
(He walks away, and takes the elevator up to maternity. Once there he walks to the crowd, and tries to make his way through to the door, when he sees Carter, and most of the nursing staff there.)
DAVE: How are the babies?
CARTER: Fine…I guess.
DAVE: Wanna come in? Check on 'em?
CARTER: Sure.
(They get in, and Carter looks back to smile wickedly at all the people outside)
[Inside the room. Carter walks over to Mrs. Bailey, while Dave walks up to the gang.]
CARTER: So, do these twins have names yet?
MRS. BAILEY: Yes, absolutely. This, (motions to one of her boys) is Hoyt, and this (motions to the other) is Cougar.
CARTER: (unconvinced) Oh…great choice! Ok, um, we need you or your husband to fill out some forms, and then you can go home.
MRS. BAILEY: Ok, bring them on.
CARTER: I'll be right back.
(He walks out with an impression of dejavu as as his gaze meets Rachel's)
DAVE: So, how's the little family goin'? Joey, you didn't tell me about it.
JOEY: (smiling widely) Oh, we're great, great! Hey, this is Phoebe, and we're engaged.
DAVE: (stunned) You're engaged?
CHANDLER: Since 2 minutes.
DAVE: Well, congratulations. (Hands Joey some papers). Here. These are a few forms you need to fill out before the Mrs. and your son can be discharged, 'k?
(Joey gently gives Phoebe their son)
JOEY: Sure. [I have no idea what kind of forms they'd really need to fill out, so, bar with me] (grabs a pen from his pocket) Name…ok, Insurance company…none
PHOEBE: Yes, I do have one!
JOEY: But I'll pay.
DAVE: Really? You don't think that's kinda stu…
JOEY: I want to.
PHOEBE/DAVE: Ok, whatever.
JOEY: So, where was I? Check-in date…ok, ward…Maternity… Baby's name?
[Downstairs, in the ER.]
KERRY: Where the hell is everyone? Most patients have gone missing…
RANDI: Oh, they must be at Maternity, Joey Tribbiani's up there.
KERRY: Who?
RANDI: You know… Mac Macchavelli.
KERRY: What? Randi, what are you talking about?
RANDI: You don't know Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.? How many hours have you been working straight?
[Back to Phoebe's room]
PHOEBE: Umm… (thinks) you remember that name you mentioned that you wanted to name your kid when we were looking for a name for little Chandler five years ago?
(Joey doesn't seem to remember, but Chandler does)
CHANDLER: Oh, no…
PHOEBE: You know um… The-something…
JOEY: (finally remembering) Oh, The Hulk!
PHOEBE: (excited) Ooh, yeah! I like that!
JOEY: (writing it down) …The…Hulk… (hands the papers back to Dave.) Done!
DAVE: Thanks.
(He walks out with the chart.)
[A bit later. The lounge, Doug and Carol are sitting there talking]
CAROL: Doug, I've got something to tell you…
DOUG: Go ahead.
CAROL: (takes a deep breath) Doug, I…
(Carter enters, and goes to pour himself a cup of coffee)
CARTER: Hi!
DOUG/CAROL: Hi/Hey.
DOUG: How are the Bailey twins?
CARTER: Oh, God, you guys'll never guess how she called them?
CAROL: How?
CARTER: Hoyt and Cougar!
DOUG: I like those.
CAROL: Please be kidding!
DOUG: I can't fool you.
CARTER: (chuckles and heads for the door) I gotta go, bye.
(He exits)
DOUG: Cougar, and Hoyt! I didn't even know those were names!
CAROL: Then, uh… better start thinking, 'cause…
DOUG: What…you…
CAROL: I'm… pregnant!
DOUG: (stands up) Oh my! That's fantastic, Carol!
(He pulls her into a hug and rocks her enthusiastically)
CAROL: I know.
(She looks him in the eyes, smiling. They kiss. Fade out.)
[Teaser – A hotel room somewhere in… Malibu (heehee). Ross is asleep. We see Phoebe run in, extremely excited, and wakes him up]
PHOEBE: I'm getting married, today!! Woohooo!!
ROSS: Okay, Pheebs, we're happy for ya.
PHOEBE: Woohooo!!
(She gets out again, as fast as she came in, and Rachel emerges from under Ross' sheets)
RACHEL: You think she knew I was here?
THE END
Ok, I am sooo bad at this, sorry! And thanks a lot for having read "The One With The Hulk!".
Adeline (
gossy@wanadoo.fr).