A/N: We all Severus is pure sex on legs don't we? Smirk This evil little story was thought up today, as a break from my other fic. I felt Snape deserved a more light-hearted story. I'm proud to say I wrote this at 2:30 in the morning. Yes I'm addicted.

Please read and review!

The Great Hall was busy with excitement. Well, why wouldn't it be? After all, it was the first day of the school year. Severus Snape groaned. Another year of teaching insolent brats. He yawned at the high table. Minerva McGonagall shushed him. He scowled, highlighting his hooked nose and permanently irate expression. Dumbledore rose and tapped on his glass three times. He adjusted his half moon glasses. His white hair and beard fell up to his waist.

"Welcome students to yet another year of Hogwarts!" Cheers all around. "I hope you've all had a highly enjoyable summer just like I have done. It was just a mere two weeks ago I was skiing in the Alps, the wind rushing through my-" Minerva cleared her throat.

"But we'll save that story for another day," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling. "I hope you are all here to work hard and gain what you deserve. Before you start eating I would like to make a few small announcements." Ron Weasley's stomach rumbled loudly. The Great Hall erupted with laughter. Dumbledore smiled. "Firstly Mr. Filch has yet again posted a list of items students are not allowed to have with them in the school. The full list will be posted in the common rooms. They include dungbombs, screaming yo-yo's and fanged frisbees."

George Weasley groaned, and a few more students followed his lead.

"Secondly," continued Dumbledore, ignoring them. "Our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher will be a teacher known to us previously." The Hall buzzed. "Remus Lupin." Everyone turned to look at a figure at the end of the high table. Remus sat, looking slightly embarrassed, as if he would rather have not been announced. Most of the Gryffindor table exploded, with Ron and Harry standing on their chairs, cheering. The Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs were also largely pleased, though a few seemed wary. It was common knowledge that Lupin was a werewolf. Not surprisingly, none of the Slytherins were cheering, or even seemed remotely happy. On the contrary they all seemed rather pissed. Harry noticed the look of contempt on Draco Malfoy's pinched face.

Harry nudged Ron. "Look at Snape." Sure enough, Snape was livid.

He had wanted the job for years and now Lupin gets it for a second year! The cheek of that man! His lip curled. Or should I say werewolf…Snape felt someone looking at him. That Potter boy! He knew it. He glared and Harry looked away hastily. Let's hope Potter fails Potions this year so I won't have to see his ugly face at NEWT level.

"And now we shall eat!" declared Dumbledore. Everyone cheered and started eating. Harry whispered something to Ron. "So, are you going to tell Hermione you love her?" He raised an eyebrow. Ron stepped on his foot.

"Shut up!" he whispered back. "She'll hear you!" Hermione was only sitting across the table from them. Harry was pretty sure Hermione had heard but she kept her face passive. Her bushy brown hair concealed her eyes.

"So what do you think about Lupin getting the Defence job again?" asked Fred Weasley. His brother was gorging himself on dessert first.

"Should be great!" Harry said enthusiastically. Lupin was Harry's favourite teacher. Everyone seemed to be talking about how Lupin got the job; with speculation that the Defence Against the Dark Arts post was cursed.

"I wonder what we'll be learning now?" mused Dean Thomas.

"Probably some more stuff on different creatures," said Ron a little too enthusiastically, as he knocked over his cup. Hermione tutted disapprovingly and waved a wand to clear up the mess. Ron blushed (a magnificent shade of red clashing horribly with his hair), mentally kicking himself for making such a fool of himself on the first day. In front of Hermione. Harry burst out laughing.

Twenty minutes later Dumbledore rose again. "Well that concludes our first feast of many. I hope you get rested, and prepare yourself for tomorrow!" The students set off to their dormitories.

Hermione picked up her bag very quickly and started walking away.

"Hermione! Where are you going?" asked Ron.

"Library."

"What the hell? It's the first day!"

"I need to look something up. I'll see you tomorrow guys."

Ron rolled his eyes as Hermione went a different way to them. "What is she like?" Harry grinned.

Severus was watching them with disdain. The nerve of these students, laughing without a care in the world. A second year accidentally bumped into him. "Twenty points from…whatever your house is!" he roared. The terrified girl ran away.

Harry shook his head. "He's not in his usual good mood today."

Ron glanced at Lupin making his way from the table. "I wonder why…"

The next day, all the students received their timetable.

"Free period now, followed by Divination," recited Ron, grinning at Harry. "Then lunch, Herbology and double Potions with the Slytherins." Harry groaned. By fate, the Gryffindors were always paired with the Slytherins for Potions. Harry spotted Hermione and gestured to her.

"What have you got now?" he asked.

"Arithmancy then Muggle Studies." Harry rolled his eyes at Ron. Hermione swatted him at the back of his head.

Later in the day the students made their way down to potions, to the familiar dark dungeons. It seemed the place had gotten gloomier since the summer holidays. The dungeons smelt musty and damp. Several beetles crawled out of cracks in the dishevelled walls. Dim candles were placed in various bricks to add to the gloomy atmosphere.

"Friendly," Harry commented.

Ron, Hermione and Harry chose a table near the back. Snape's mood didn't look any better since yesterday. In fact looked considerably worse. He surveyed the class with his black tunnel-like eyes.

"This year I expect you to actually learn something. It is your last year before you choose your NEWTs. I hope you'll impress me, though I seriously doubt it." Snape looked angry. Big understatement. He strode around the room. "We will be starting work on antidotes and poisons." He picked up a small green bottle. "Who can tell me about the venom of snakes and spiders?"

Expectedly, Hermione's hand shot up. Snape took his time scanning the room for someone else to ask. He found no one. "I hope you'll remember your brains to the next lesson, you useless lot," he said scathingly. "Granger?"

"The venom produced by snakes and spiders is often treatable by the use of antidotes, although a number do lack one, and a bite from such an animal often results in death," said Hermione in one breath. Harry and Ron marvelled at her.

"In your own words next time, Granger," snarled Snape. "Ten points from Gryffindor!"

"But-but I didn't do anything!"

"You were rude and disrespectful!"

"No…" Hermione protested.

"Yes you are, insolent girl! You're being rude right now!"

Hermione seemed rather miffed. "He tricked me," she said in an undertone.

Snape directed their attention to the board. "Now then. I would like you all to try and make this potion on the board. The ingredients you'll need are in the cupboard and I presume you've brought your own cauldrons?"

Neville looked panicky. Hermione conjured up a pewter cauldron and tried to pass it to him unseen.

"Granger!" snapped Snape. "What are you doing?"

"Umm…" she answered back intelligently.

"Another ten points from Gryffindor for incoherent responses!"

"God," muttered Ron. "Who put sandpaper on his toilet seat?"

The students collected the necessary equipment to make an antidote. Draco elbowed Harry out of the way to collect his ingredients. Hermione kicked him on the rump. He howled and hobbled away. Ron suppressed a laugh; Snape was a few feet away.

"Snape really is irritated lately," muttered Harry.

"You think?" laughed Ron.

"Make the potion!" hissed Hermione, who had already crushed half her beetles. Ron sighed and picked up his pestle. He took a glance at the instructions on the board. His eyes nearly fell out of his head.

"Twenty-seven stages?" he said hoarsely. Harry nodded glumly. He added some dragon scales. The potion he had been working on exploded, melting his entire cauldron. Hermione repaired it. Snape, who had been watching deducted five points from Gryffindor. Draco caught Harry's eye and smirked.

"And how is your antidote coming along Mr. Malfoy?" asked Snape.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Very well sir," replied Draco, "I've finished adding half the ingredients."

"Well do you think half of a completed antidote will save you from dying?" mocked Snape. Draco glowered.

"Harry," Ron nudged. "His star pupil is getting the cold shoulder. Obviously this Lupin thing is really getting to him."

Harry grinned.

"Potter!" Snape shouted. Harry jumped.

"Yes sir?"

"Potter, do I teach smiling in my class?" Snape was purple with rage.

"No sir," Harry couldn't help smiling more at Snape's face.

"Then stop smiling!" Harry carried on unintentionally. This enraged Snape further. "Ten points from Gryffindor!"

"I wonder what's wrong with him?" Hermione asked, chewing her bottom lip.

"Who cares?" Harry and Ron said together.

"Ron! Have some compassion," Hermione advised.

"Ha! What I would give to grab a big vat of poison and shove it down-"

"Will you be completing that sentence Weasley?" asked Snape, who had appeared by Ron's side.

Ron's mouth dried up. "No sir."

"I thought not. Everybody put down your ingredients. Let's see what pathetic concoction you've all miserably come up with." Snape sneered.

Severus went around the room looking at potions, muttering "abysmal" and "awful" every once in a while. He completely ignored Hermione's potion, made perfectly, and spend sixty seconds telling Ron that Mrs. Norris could make a more successful potion than the grey sludge that rested in the cauldron.

"Obviously none of you have learned anything over the holidays. Such behaviour won't be tolerated!" Snape paced up and down and banged his wand down on the desk. "I want a twelve-inch essay on antidotes for the next lesson."

Harry checked his timetable. "First lesson tomorrow!" he whispered incredulously.

The rest of the class seemed highly affronted and filed out of the classroom mumbling angrily, as they went to lunch.

"Twelve inches by tomorrow!" complained Ron.

"There, there, Ron," Hermione soothed, ruffling Ron's hair. He blushed.

"Minus thirty five points to Gryffindor already!" grinned Harry. "Come on Ron, cheer up."

Ron swore. "Snape lives to torture us, that bastard," he grumbled, as they turned out around a corner. Unfortunately a certain potions teacher was also coming around the same corner.

"WEASLEY!" yelled Snape, his greasy hair flying in his face. "What did you just say to me!"

"Not to you sir, about you," Ron protested and clamped a hand around his mouth. Oops.

"DETENTION! This Friday! Eight!" Snape stormed off, his cloak billowing out impressively behind him.

"God." Ron kicked a stone statue, which immediately walked away, offended.

Severus sighed and flopped down into his leather chair. Ahhh. It's so much torture for me to teach these brats. And they think I torture them!

What he wouldn't give to be the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Oh… the joys of ahem… demonstrating the Unforgivable curses. The chance to bring in more exciting creatures – giants, inferi… dementors. The look on that Potter's face when he sees one! Priceless. Snape stretched and yawned. He leaned against his chair and put his feet up on the desk. Running a hand through his hair he pulled away and inspected his hand. Rather greasy. Oh well, it's not like anyone washes their hair more than once a week! The idea was almost laughable.

What to do, what to do… As it was only the second day, Snape didn't have any papers to fail. He glanced at the clock. Ten o' clock. He frowned. He preferred not to socialise himself with the teachers. Especially that Lupin guy. He'd seen enough of him two years ago. Snape's blood grew hot with fury. He looked at his little green bottle. Draught of Living Death. Severus smirked to himself. He could easily slip that into Remus' Wolfsbane Potion. Dumbledore had given him the task of preparing the potion for Lupin again, since none of the other staff were capable. He could have easily slipped it in before but chose not to. This year would be Snape's perfect chance…

His hand rested idly on an empty cauldron. Make a potion? he said to himself. Hmmm… why not? Out of tedium he emptied out several items from his cupboard including boomslang skin, fluxweed, insects, feathers, scales, blood, keratin and about thirty other ingredients. Needless to say, he was very bored.

He mixed them all up at once, and added a unicorn hair. He stirred counter clockwise fourteen times before adding a hair from his head, without thinking. The potion suddenly stopped bubbling and stayed quite still. Severus looked in. There the potion lay, crimson red, with sheens of silver emerging from time to time. It was beautiful. Severus felt strangely drawn to it. As the potions master, he knew better than anyone not to taste an unknown liquid remedy. However his attraction to the potion led him to dip a spoon in. It didn't melt. That was a good sign. He drank it and within minutes the whole potion was finished.