I am a huge fan of humorous fics and wanted to try my hand at one. The diary parts are going to be written in a stream of thought kind of way so don't expect it to look like it was typed from an outline.

Of course I do not own Bleach or any of the characters and am not making any money off this (rats!) so don't sue me.

By the way this is set post winter war so all characters are of age. And I am trying something that I have never tried before in this fiction. I will be switching between first and third person perspective (usually I stick to one per story)

And finally this story will involve yaoi- as in boy/boy pairings for those who got REALLY lost on the web and ended up here. If you don't like it then tough rocks. There are plenty of other sites for you to visit where everyone else is just as uptight as you.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

And away we go!

Dear Diary… No, I refuse to call you that because I am not a nine year old girl. I will write in here because Rukia said that sometimes it helps to sort out your thoughts if you write them down and that does make some sense plus she said that Ukitake has been keeping them for ages (probably literally) and that is what all those leather bound books in his office were. I could tell by that plotting air she had around her (you learn to spot some things over time if you want to keep your sanity) that she was also hoping to get her grubby little paws on it and find out all kinds of personal stuff about me that is really none of her business anyway- probably for future blackmail attempts.

She suggested a diary like her Chappy diary. Like that was going to happen. Ikkaku would feel a disturbance in the manliness force and come to collect my balls as I was obviously not using them anymore. Since I like having my testicles attached and unharmed I decided to go with this plain journal. I even have some plans concerning how to keep it out of her devious little hands…. Urahara, 'nuff said. And now for my first real entry… I think I will tell people that this is a log book of encounters and training if anyone sees me writing in you…..

1st Entry

This was getting pathetic. I am a shinigami for Kami's sake! I have been one for ages and was a decorated hero of the Winter War. I have nearly died on several occasions, have saved the lives of countless people and watched helplessly as I was unable to save others. Those sorts of things mature a person so why am I acting so spineless now?

Sorry, let me back up. This would probably make more sense with a little bit of context wouldn't it? My name is Kurosaki Ichigo and I am a substitute shinigami for the Gotei 13. I am also a recent high school graduate (took longer than expected with the war and all) that splits my time between my shinigami duties and my family's clinic. Oh, and to top it all off I have an inner hollow. He lives in my inner world with my zanpakutou, Zangetsu. In all fairness he has been a lot easier to deal with in the last several years. I don't know if he has mellowed or if my control has gotten better, but if you were to ask Rukia then the answer is definitely the first one.

So, what has gotten me all worked up? Well, as you could guess, the last four years has kept me extremely busy. This has made it difficult to accustom myself with all of the normal things with which a teenaged boy would already be comfortable.

Got a clue yet? Let me help you out… I have never been on a date in all of my 19 and a half years. I have also never kissed anybody but my sisters. Now that is nothing to be ashamed of, but usually other guys in my situation have at least regularly interacted with others socially and would have an idea of where to start and what some things mean. Whereas all the people that I have been associating with have either been soldiers on my side of the war and busy fighting- or they have been on the other side and trying to kill me which, as you can imagine, are not ideal circumstances for emotional growth.

Emotional growth. Sheesh if only some of my nakama could hear me now. They would wonder where my real body was hidden once this pod person took my place. I sort of have a reputation for being oblivious. This is mostly because of Orihime. Let me just say that NO ONE is that blind and I am surprised that none of my friends talked to me about it. I knew how she felt, but I have always seen her and Tatsuki as sisters. Even if that weren't the case all of my focus was needed for keeping myself and others alive.

Could I have handled it better? Given how I was at the time and all the situations we kept getting caught up in? No, I don't think it could have been handled differently. I did not feel for her the way she felt for me and I knew I was never going to. So I decided that the best thing would be not to give her any false hope by leading her on and treat her like all my other friends. That way she would not get her hopes too high and neither one of us would have to go through some awkward scene where she would be hurt because of rejection. Also, I would not have to feel like a complete schmuck for rejecting her. Sounds like I have a pretty high opinion of myself doesn't it? I'm not really that full of myself and if you could have seen her the way she was back then you would understand what I mean.

But, anyway, back to the present. I have been noticing things more lately…. people, sometimes specific parts of people and have been feeling like a complete pervert every time it happens, because I cannot seem to control when and where it happens. Even more embarrassing is the fact that I have been having very little success controlling my body's reaction to the things that catch my eye. Thank Kami Urahara has not noticed yet or I would never hear the end of it. What's even worse is that I don't have anyone that can provide advice. The idea of asking my father gives me the hives. Most of the captains that I actually respect are very busy with the rebuilding effort. Rukia would have a field day with that kind of info. She would probably attempt to force me into whatever nutball scheme she cooked up to 'help' me. Not to mention the fact that the Shinigami Women's Association would probably post regular updates all over Soul Society. And I am pretty sure that any advice that I got from the other guys in Soul Society would involve sake and prostitutes.

Even if I was ok with the idea of a prostitute, which I am not, then would come the difficulty of picking one. Or, more specifically, what gender should I pick? I noticed pretty early that I was not just looking at girls. I knew from where my eyes were wandering that I am at least bisexual, but I suspect that I am mostly into guys because after looking back on it I realized that I was usually comparing the girls to guys I had seen. The girls always seemed to be found wanting.

I have no clue if any of them are gay too. Huh, oddly enough I figured that I would have more problems writing that down. You know, actually saying it. I guess I am more ok with it than I thought. Well, I guess that means that I can skip the guilt and self loathing part of all this that I read about. Fortunately I have an awesome family (yes even goat face) that is pretty accepting and just wants me to be happy. Not that I am going to tell them anytime soon. The girls are to young (and will be until they are 40) and my earlier comments about my dad should say it all.

But back to what I was saying, I don't know if any of them are gay… alright , I think Yumichika is gay, but there is no way I am going to ask. Firstly he might not be and that would be really, really awkward and bloodshed might be involved. Secondly, if he is gay then he might think I am coming on to him and I am not sure I am ready to be faced with the full force of Yumichika. Heck, we never did find out what he did to lay out Shuuhei that day the traitors revealed themselves. Yumi just gives us a coy look when we ask him and we all have better sense than to ask Shuuhei. Well, not Iba, but he shut up after the look he received.

Maybe I should just observe for a while. See if I can figure some of this out, or at the very least see if I can spot some others like me that I could possibly talk to. Hey, I said I had matured some. I would not have survived the war if I had just continued rushing headlong into everything like I did when I first started out. Weird thing is that it was Zaraki that broke me of that, just with some offhand comments he had made about strategies for surviving a fight and upping your chances for survival. We had that discussion over the unconscious form of Ikkaku so I could see where he was come from. Then he quoted some American general who said that the idea was not to die for your country but to make the other poor bastard die for theirs. You can always count on Kenpachi to boil everything down to the basics. We still hope that Ikkaku will figure it out.

What else? Oh, even more weird are some of the people that I have caught myself staring at. Some of them are people that if you had told me years ago I would get worked up over them I would have laughed in your face or maybe tried to hurt you. Some of them are obvious though- like Shuuhei for instance, but jeez just the other d

"An opening!"

Ichigo jumped back to avoid the flying form of his father sailing over his bed and into the wall on the far side.

"What the hell old man?"

"Ah, Ichigo. It is good to see that you have not been letting your skills slip now that the war is over."

"Why can't you just be normal for once?"

Ichigo had found out about his father about a year into the war when Isshin had shed his gigai to defend Yuzu and Karin from an arrancar. To say that Ichigo had been upset is like comparing a typhoon to the little currents you get in your cup when you stir your tea. Finding out that his father had been, not only a shinigami, but a captain as well had inspired a fight so epic that a mid level arrancar had been accidentally killed in the crossfire before they were forced to fight the battle instead of each other.

Turns out that it was an ideal time to find out something like that because after the battle Ichigo was too exhausted and injured to fight and had to lay still and listen while his wounds were being treated. They got past it, but the fact that his father could have spared him a lot of confusion, heartache, and pain still leaves a bitter taste in Ichigo's mouth.

"What do you want anyway goat face?"

"Urahara-san called asking you to come by the shoten" Isshin whined from his position on the floor.

"Make sure you are home by curfew, my son!" Isshin yelled after Ichigo who was already half way down the stairs. The war was over, but years of having to react quickly doesn't just go away so Ichigo was moving at the top speed he could go while still in his human body.

"Damn it goat face! I am almost twenty and I don't have a curfew anymore!" Ichigo roared over his shoulder while heading out the door.

Ichigo made good time and was panting for air by the time he had reached the shop only to find Urahara sitting on the front steps with a stopwatch and a sly grin.

"Ah, Kurosaki-kun you made excellent time."

"What's the emergency?" Ichigo managed to get out between breaths.

"I never said that there was an emergency did I Kurosaki-kun?" Urahara said while attempting to hide his snickering behind his fan.

"Damn it! This better not be another thinly veiled attempt to con me into manual labor by calling it training!"

" Dear Kurosaki-kun, would I do such a thing?"

Urahara sighed regretfully while lamenting the lack of trust and respect due not only to his sensei, but also to a captain. Ichigo, having seen this before, decided to interrupt before his sensei truly got on a roll.

"What did you want?" Ichigo growled out slowly between clenched teeth.

"Huh? Oh, Your presence has been requested in Soul Society for a meeting this afternoon."

"What is it about?" Ichigo asked.

"Well I suppose we will find out when we get there now won't we?"

"You're going too?"

Ichigo was stunned by this turn of events. As far as he was aware Urahara has not been back to his former home since he had to sneak out in the dead of night to save some of his comrades that had been changed into Vizards. Does this mean that they are lifting the exile, that geta-boshi is going to return to his former position? Oh wait, that freak is still heading up the twelfth. Maybe Urahara could challenge for the position and kill Kurotsuchi in the process. Uryu would love him for that one.

"Of course Kurosaki-kun! After all, I am one of the main reasons Aizen was defeated if I do say so myself."

"Have you noticed you only call me Kurosaki-kun when you are being devious? The rest of the time you call me Ichigo?"

"Really? That doesn't sound like me Ichigo."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. When are we going?"

"In about an hour- we are just waiting on a hell butterfly. So if you want to go clean up or anything…. "

Ichigo scowled

"Because for some reason you seem really sweaty. Have you been training?"

Ichigo's scowl got upgraded to growling and was followed by a sharp heel turn toward home. He needed to hide the journal anyway.

Ichigo was greeted at the door to his house in the usual manner… that is to say with the flying form of his father. The odd thing was that this time Isshin was sobbing like a teenage girl clutching a copy of Twilight. Except Isshin had a different book altogether in his hands while trying to glomp Ichigo.

"My son has taken his first steps toward manhood! Oh Masaki, it is a glorious day!"

"What the hell? Shut your mouth! What is wrong with you and why do you have my journ… I mean log book? You had no right to go poking through my personal stuff!" Ichigo was whisper yelling while looking around frantically to see if his sisters were in earshot.

"Ichigo, the path to manhood is a beautiful one and I want you to know that daddy is always here for you! Come to me for advice anytime!"

Ichigo let out a disgusted shudder and kicked his father back into the living room. After trying to erase that scene from his mind he collected his journal and headed upstairs for a quick shower. Grumbling the whole time about interfering fathers, devious shopkeepers, and the unfairness of life in general.

Walking at a normal pace this time let Ichigo make it back to the shoten with about five minutes to spare. Urahara barely spared him a glance before leading the way through the shop to where the gate would be appearing.

"You look nice Ichigo. Smell nice too. Did you go through all this effort just for me?"

"Shut up"

"You do know this is primarily going to be a captains meeting don't you? Matsumoto won't be there."

"Why would I care if Matsu… I mean shut up Urahara! Is it a crime to clean up?"

"You don't care if the lovely Rangiku-san is going to be there? My, my Ichigo, is there something that you want to tell me?"

The shouting that was about to come out of Ichigo was cut short as a set of doors appeared in front of the two and started to slowly open. Still steaming Ichigo faced forward and was confronted with the sight of a smiling Shuuhei. He greeted the two politely while a pair of hell butterflies gently flew out behind him.

"Are we ready?"

Urahara answered in the affirmative while Ichigo, not having yet gained control over his tongue, merely nodded.

"Very well then. Shall we go?" Shuuhei asked while turning to lead the group back the way he had come. The walk was quiet and brief mostly because Urahara kept shooting sly looks in Ichigo's direction and Ichigo was putting a great deal of effort into pretending that he didn't notice. The trio emerged from the Seikaimon into the bright sunlight shining down on the first division courtyard and was greeted by Jyuushiro and Shunsui.

"Welcome back Ichigo-san. It has been some time since you have visited, hasn't it?"

"Hey Jyuushiro. Yeah, been busy finishing high school and all that. Did I remember to send you an invitation to my graduation?"

"Yes, you did and thank you for thinking of me. I am sorry that I was unable to attend. The rebuilding efforts have taken over every waking minute, but I would like to spend some time with you soon so that we may catch up. If that is ok with you, that is?"

"Sure. Sounds nice."

"Ah, and it has been even longer since this place has seen your shadow Urahara-san. Welcome home." Ukitake said with a smile and a deep bow.

Urahara looked conflicted about the greeting. But out of respect for the gentle taicho he decided to let it pass and returned Ukitake's greeting warmly. Just then Shunsui interrupted saying that they needed to head in to the meeting.

Hey guys. Thanks for reading and please review. Constructive criticism is encouraged, but flames will be printed out so I can practice my origami. Cookies for all!