Conversation in a Coffin

A/N Before you start reading I want to warn anyone who reads this one, chapter two isn't going to be the most pleasant of chapters, there will be quite the nasty little backstory in it. However, if you wish to read this story for the humor only I recommend skipping chapter two and going straight to three. You won't miss out on the storyline I promise.

"John would you oh so kindly remove your elbow from my lower ribs?"

"I'm barely touching you Sherlock, besides, there isn't exactly much room in here."

"At least our oxygen supply is plentiful, they did have the courtesy to install large pipes for air."

"Which means we get to starve to death, Sherlock, why is it that we seem to be landing in these situations so often? Honestly, people are going to start to talk even more than they already do."

"People always talk John, its so boring to have to listen to trivial gossip that isn't true or even possible."

"..."

"John, you wouldn't happen to have your phone with you would you? They took mine.."

"Yes but unfortunately it's dead."

"You didn't happen to tell anyone that we were going out by any chance did you Sherlock?"

"Of course not, why would I?"

"Ugh, Sherlock you idiot, I thought you had told someone, I saw you texting just before we left and thought you had told Greg."

"Who is Greg?"

"Lestraude you idiot, Greg Lestraude, how long have you worked with the man and you still don't know his name?"

"It's unimportant, why should I know it? Besides, I was harassing Mycroft about his inability to keep a diet."

"Great, you pissed off our best chance at recovery."

"Nonsense, he'll notice our absence from London and start looking for us soon. Speaking of recovery, how's your side? I know the burly dude knifed you."

"It's still bleeding a bit, should probably find a way to stop it, can I borrow your scarf?"

"Must you? I rather like this scarf..."

"I'll replace it."

"Fine, here, it's better than having you bleed out beside me."

"Ngh, it's soaked the lining around me. I'm starting to get lightheaded Sherlock."

"Stay awake John, talk about something, anything."

"Right...remember that time we were stuck under a stairwell?"

"Yes..."

"I definitely preferred that one despite the spider."

"Gah, that was a horrible experience, I had the stiffest back in human history afterwards."

"As I recall you ended up sitting on me for most of the time."

"True, and you do make a very good cushion."

"You're still a bony devil."

"I thought we agreed to drop that argument?"

"Who said I was arguing? I'm just saying it because it's true."

"You know I think I left my skull on the landing, poor Yorrick..."

"Sherlock! You know Mrs. Hudson will have a heart attack if she sees that skull on the landing!"

"Nonsense John, she's a fairly healthy woman for her age, it is highly unlikely that her heart will be affected."

"..."

"..."

"Sherlock, what are the odds of us getting out of here?"

"Well...without our phones, lack of food and water, the factor that no one knew we were chasing down a pair of psychopaths, and the fact that we are no longer in London all add up to give us a chance of say, forty seven percent."

"Oh great... Sherlock... I just remembered something, the other day when Mycroft came by I swiped his brolly from him...he was a tad bit upset about that..."

"It shouldn't affect his effort to rescue us."

"He's going to gloat isn't he.."

"..."

"..."