The Darkness Inside of Her
By: dragonfly-rising
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters
Serena gazed out of her bedroom window. Her homework for once was not forgotten only unable to keep her attention from the thoughts that whirled like a tornado in her mind. She would if she had the choice be doing the homework, immersing herself in the daily chore so that she would not think of the things that haunted her but it was not a choice for her anymore. Her constant companion and adviser Luna slept soundly on her bed, purring softly with each intake of breath. She refused to disturb Luna with the thoughts that she could not get rid of no matter how hard she tried. Nor would she disturb any of her friends not even Darien with them. It was too much for her, how could they even hope to understand what she could not. How could she even begin to express to them that though when they saw her she acted as they expected her to act she had changed inside, become someone deep of thought something they would never accept of her. And she could not blame them; she had never acted as if she were capable of any thought beyond food or Darien. Except maybe when she became her alter the Moon Princess and released all of her selfish thoughts for the express purpose of saving the universe. Of course it was easy then, she really didn't have a choice since it seemed the Moon Princess was incapable of such petty feelings.
Serena sighed silently. That was the real problem. The Moon Princess. The personality that though fueled by her own desire to save her world did not conceive that every time she was drained and taken to the Other World the act of her friends and Darien bringing her back would rip a new wound inside of Serena herself who was not equipped enough to deal with the constant change of soul. Each time they called her back she returned only to find that she hurt more deeply, that she felt less connected, that she found herself longing more for what she could remember of that Other World then for the reality of what she had in this one. There was no real way to express this to anyone, no way that she could reason away the resentment that built each time it happened.
The other side was just as maddening. She could not just give up on life. It was not in her to do such a thing, to just fade away and exist in the peaceful Other World, it was not where she belonged. There was too much here for her to deny herself, too much that she could not live without. Her family, friends, Darien, her future...she wanted it all and could not withstand her natural inclination to be with these people. It was not as if she were losing her ability to love or care, quiet the contrary. She still felt just as strongly as she ever did, still strived for being everything she ever could be. And yet...
Unshed tears pricked Serena's eyes and she would have laughed at the irony of her inability to cry alone when she did so with ease in front of others if she had it in her to do so. There was no point to crying about it, there was no way to change the growing hole inside of her heart, none that she could see at the moment. Her friends would have been shocked to know she had studied to try and find an answer to her problem, that she had visited many shrines, talked to many holy men in this futile attempt to calm her inner turmoil. The only answers she had found were empty and useless to her. No one that she had spoken to understood the complexities of what had happened to her, could understand that she was not truly bitter, only becoming resigned to this feeling of duality, that she both loved and hated life with the entirety of all that she was.
Another silent sigh went through her without her realizing it was coming and she repressed the shivers that threatened to shake her to her very core. She tried to lose herself in the calm of the spring weather outside her window. But it was like trying to grab onto something invisible. She felt so alone in moments like this, which had begun to intrude upon her thoughts more and more lately. She would find herself staring off while with her friends, a frown creasing her face only to have to make up an excuse when they noticed. It happened even with Darien and she was loath to worry him of all people with her problem. There had been a time, in the beginning when she had wanted to express herself but that had past quickly when she had realized none of them would understand one word that she used to explain it, in fact they would probably be so shocked by the words she would have chosen that they wouldn't have been able to pay any attention at all to what she would say.
It had been awhile since she had been required to defend the universe. Awhile since Rini had returned to the future, to her parents.
~ Three years ~ She told herself ~Three years since the last time I died and was brought back. Almost out of high school and still I can't seem to get myself together. Why can't I just let it go? ~
It was a familiar lament, one she had asked her self more than once. She never had an answer for it.
~Why am I so occupied with it lately? ~
She looked down at her hands that had unconsciously pulled themselves into partial fists. She knew the answer at least to that question. After all this time, three years of nothing but normal everyday living Serena could feel the approach of something. Deep inside of her though Luna had given no warning she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Sailor Moon would be needed soon, that she was going to be called on to do her duty. This did not bother her; in fact it almost excited her. All this time she had trained with the other Senshi in preparation of the day they would be needed again. She felt confident in her ability that was no question.
Serena looked over at her transformation broach that sat on her dresser with a mixture of disquiet and anxiety.
No it wasn't herself that she questioned.
By: dragonfly-rising
Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters
Serena gazed out of her bedroom window. Her homework for once was not forgotten only unable to keep her attention from the thoughts that whirled like a tornado in her mind. She would if she had the choice be doing the homework, immersing herself in the daily chore so that she would not think of the things that haunted her but it was not a choice for her anymore. Her constant companion and adviser Luna slept soundly on her bed, purring softly with each intake of breath. She refused to disturb Luna with the thoughts that she could not get rid of no matter how hard she tried. Nor would she disturb any of her friends not even Darien with them. It was too much for her, how could they even hope to understand what she could not. How could she even begin to express to them that though when they saw her she acted as they expected her to act she had changed inside, become someone deep of thought something they would never accept of her. And she could not blame them; she had never acted as if she were capable of any thought beyond food or Darien. Except maybe when she became her alter the Moon Princess and released all of her selfish thoughts for the express purpose of saving the universe. Of course it was easy then, she really didn't have a choice since it seemed the Moon Princess was incapable of such petty feelings.
Serena sighed silently. That was the real problem. The Moon Princess. The personality that though fueled by her own desire to save her world did not conceive that every time she was drained and taken to the Other World the act of her friends and Darien bringing her back would rip a new wound inside of Serena herself who was not equipped enough to deal with the constant change of soul. Each time they called her back she returned only to find that she hurt more deeply, that she felt less connected, that she found herself longing more for what she could remember of that Other World then for the reality of what she had in this one. There was no real way to express this to anyone, no way that she could reason away the resentment that built each time it happened.
The other side was just as maddening. She could not just give up on life. It was not in her to do such a thing, to just fade away and exist in the peaceful Other World, it was not where she belonged. There was too much here for her to deny herself, too much that she could not live without. Her family, friends, Darien, her future...she wanted it all and could not withstand her natural inclination to be with these people. It was not as if she were losing her ability to love or care, quiet the contrary. She still felt just as strongly as she ever did, still strived for being everything she ever could be. And yet...
Unshed tears pricked Serena's eyes and she would have laughed at the irony of her inability to cry alone when she did so with ease in front of others if she had it in her to do so. There was no point to crying about it, there was no way to change the growing hole inside of her heart, none that she could see at the moment. Her friends would have been shocked to know she had studied to try and find an answer to her problem, that she had visited many shrines, talked to many holy men in this futile attempt to calm her inner turmoil. The only answers she had found were empty and useless to her. No one that she had spoken to understood the complexities of what had happened to her, could understand that she was not truly bitter, only becoming resigned to this feeling of duality, that she both loved and hated life with the entirety of all that she was.
Another silent sigh went through her without her realizing it was coming and she repressed the shivers that threatened to shake her to her very core. She tried to lose herself in the calm of the spring weather outside her window. But it was like trying to grab onto something invisible. She felt so alone in moments like this, which had begun to intrude upon her thoughts more and more lately. She would find herself staring off while with her friends, a frown creasing her face only to have to make up an excuse when they noticed. It happened even with Darien and she was loath to worry him of all people with her problem. There had been a time, in the beginning when she had wanted to express herself but that had past quickly when she had realized none of them would understand one word that she used to explain it, in fact they would probably be so shocked by the words she would have chosen that they wouldn't have been able to pay any attention at all to what she would say.
It had been awhile since she had been required to defend the universe. Awhile since Rini had returned to the future, to her parents.
~ Three years ~ She told herself ~Three years since the last time I died and was brought back. Almost out of high school and still I can't seem to get myself together. Why can't I just let it go? ~
It was a familiar lament, one she had asked her self more than once. She never had an answer for it.
~Why am I so occupied with it lately? ~
She looked down at her hands that had unconsciously pulled themselves into partial fists. She knew the answer at least to that question. After all this time, three years of nothing but normal everyday living Serena could feel the approach of something. Deep inside of her though Luna had given no warning she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Sailor Moon would be needed soon, that she was going to be called on to do her duty. This did not bother her; in fact it almost excited her. All this time she had trained with the other Senshi in preparation of the day they would be needed again. She felt confident in her ability that was no question.
Serena looked over at her transformation broach that sat on her dresser with a mixture of disquiet and anxiety.
No it wasn't herself that she questioned.