Hello, all. :) While it's true I'm not a Snape/Lily fan (James/Lily all the way!), I decided to write this short piece to explore Snape's side of the story and look at James/Lily (and his time at Hogwart in general) from Snape's eyes. Reviews would be greatly appreciated on this piece, please, because I changed the rough draft at least five times and put a lot of effort into making it as accurate as possible. I'm sorry for any mistakes/inconsistency. I spent more time editing this piece then actually writing it, but it's entirely possible that I missed something. There may be a part two some time in the future that explores James' view on things, but I'm not sure so for now we'll call this piece "complete". :) Enjoy!
Disclaimer: JKR owns all.
~Year 1~
Severus Snape was not a thick student. From year one, he knew several things to be facts, the same way one might know the sky is blue. He knew that he excelled in potions, and the dark arts. He knew he would never be good at riding a broomstick, let alone the popular sport Quidditch, and that Slytherin was the only house that would appreciate the talents he did have.
He also knew that Lily Evans, a pretty girl he'd befriended at the young age of nine, was the best friend he could have. Although she'd been incurably sorted into Gryffindor, she was not like the rest of her cocky, arrogant house (And by that, Severus meant she was not like the cocky, arrogant James Potter and his gang.) She didn't laugh when Potter picked on him, and she wasn't afraid to call her fellow Gryffindor out.
Severus decided- no, he knew- that if anyone would stand by him against the popular bully, it would be her.
He wouldn't have had it any other way.
~Year 2~
The second year was harder than the first, but Severus was not stupid. He ignored the fear that seeped through the stone walls (Voldemort, they called him. Rumors of a man more powerful than all but Dumbledore.) He kept up in his classes and worked hard. Once again, Lily stood by him through ups and downs as she always had, even though the rest of her house avoided him, the "greasy Slytherin kid". While Severus had always held Lily in high regard and harbored a shy, secret crush for the ginger girl, in was in the second year that he realized she was on the road to real beauty.
He also decided that if he was shadow and darkness, Lily was fire and light and energy. James Potter, he decided, was also fire- but not like Lily. He was like a wildfire, untamed and destructive and wild. He was certain that was why they didn't get along; after all, opposites attract and you can't fight fire with fire.
~Year 3~
At thirteen, plowing through third year, Severus was forced to acknowledge two more things he knew to be fact. One: his childhood crush on Lily Evans had escalated into something much more. He fancied his friend quite badly. Two: so did James Potter.
Potter, unfortunately, seemed to have added two and two together and gotten the same answer as Severus. The merciless pranks and bullying became relentless, and to accompany them came Potter's sudden declarations of affection for Lily.
Lily, thank Merlin, would hear none of it. She shot Potter down over and over again, and each time the arrogant wizard-in-training just bounced back, ready to try again. Some found his persistence sweet; others thought Potter was just trying to be funny; and yet others, Severus among them, thought it was sickening.
He was still darkness and shadow. Lily was still fire and light. James was still wild and untamed.
(Because, really, some things never change.)
And he thought that maybe, just maybe, if opposites attracted, Lily would chase away his shadows and find that she liked him, too.
~Year 4~
If Severus thought Potter had been intolerable in third year, it was nothing compared to him in fourth year. His displays and extravagant attempts to catch Lily's eye became wilder and crazier. He was relentless- but then again, so was Lily. She shot him down, her irritation fueling her fire and lending her ammunition to reject him.
If Potter's pride felt wounded at all, he would take it out on Severus. If Lily was around, she would flare up to his defense, yelling at Potter and hexing the boy black and blue. More and more often, however, she wasn't. Fourth year was hard, students trying to ground information into their heads in preparation for next year's OWLs. They had less free time than ever, and Lily and Severus found themselves spending more and more time with students from their own houses.
It wasn't a problem for Lily; she was bright and well-liked, even if she had befriended a Slytherin. She became even closer to the other girls in her grade, and suddenly her limited free time was divided between Severus and her Gryffindor friends.
(He's never had to compete for her attention like this before. He didn't like it.)
For Severus, fourth year was not a good one. His house had noticed how he seemed to rely on a Gryffindor girl to defend him against Potter, and they were ashamed of him. He was rejected and made fun of, and not even Lily could protect him against his own house. He turned to a small group of friends he had managed to make over the years; a group of Slytherins that, combined, had known more curses since first year than most seventh years.
Between them, they discussed Voldemort and the rumors they'd been hearing since second year. Then someone brought up the topic of the Dark Lord's followers (Death Eaters, they were called) and swore they'd become one the first chance they got. It made Severus wonder- surely Voldemort would understand his own shadows? With Voldemort, no doubt, his skill in the dark arts would give him power beyond any he would gain under the ministry.
But- but Lily would never approve. She'd always disliked his attraction to the dark arts and detested the arts themselves.
She was still fire- a light he had craved desperately, but lately she was so removed. He saw so little of her through fourth year. Surely he didn't need fire? Surely it wasn't worth his horrible reputation among most of Slytherin?
When the shadows crept in, he didn't try half as hard to fight them. He had no fire.
He was darkness and shadow. Maybe that was all he needed to be.
~Year 5~
Year five was, if possible, even busier than year four. If he saw little of Lily the previous year, he saw next to nothing of her fifth year. Students were busy cramming for their OWLs, pressured by expectant parents and teachers alike.
Severus started to gain a little more respect in his house. He wasn't seen with "that red-headed Gryffindor girl" as much, and his talent with potions and the dark arts had reached exceptional heights by fifth year. (It helped that rumors had leaked that he and his group of Slytherin friends wanted to become Death Eaters.) He wasn't well-liked, exactly; Potter still tormented him (how he found time when Lily was always so busy, Severus never knew), and any Slytherin who'd been pushed around by a Gryffindor could hardly become popular overnight, but he was no longer a reject in his own house.
His craving for the warmth of fire was pushed to the back of his mind; Lily was rarely around, and he'd found a new source of belonging in Slytherin.
(After all, they were darkness and shadow, too.)
Then it happened. It should have been a normal day at Hogwarts, but it wasn't. Potter just had to suspend him in mid-air, just had to try to impress a (for once) very present Lily Evans, and Lily just had jump to his defense. As they argued, Lily's face as red as her hair and she screamed at Potter, Severus could feel what respect he'd gained spiraling away. Here he was, exactly as his classmates snickered, bullied and defended by Gryffindors. He had never felt so low, so pathetic because it wasn't fair and things were supposed to be different now!
So he'd let his shadows overwhelm him and they came out his mouth, spitting and hissing at Lily and calling her horrid things (mudblood mudblood mudbloodmudbloodmudblood) and then time had frozen and Lily was furious and hurt and he could tell- and she'd washed her hands of him. She bottled up her fire and left him cold and alone and he deserved it because how could he say such things to her?
Slytherin saw it differently. They said he'd finally seen sense, and he was finally accepted fully. They saw his darkness and they were proud.
(But he didn't care. It wasn't worth Lily, nothing was worth Lily, and so he snuck away and apologized. She heard him out; of course she did. But then she'd asked that horrid question, she'd wanted to know if he intended to become a Death Eater, and how could he honestly say no when he didn't know himself?)
Things were different after that. Lily had made herself clear; she could never be friends with a Death Eater. She never laughed or praised Potter (who continued to torment him, because it was his fault for hurting Lily, always his fault), but she no longer jumped to his defense the way she used to. When Potter hexed him or suspended him mid-air, Lily would demand he be left alone (the way she did for every bullied student), and that was all. Then she'd turn and be on her way.
It was only in these times that he saw Lily anymore. She'd hidden her fire from him; she would not let him hurt her again, and she refused to indulge his desire to become a Death Eater.
It wasn't until she called him "Snape" instead of "Severus" that the magnitude of what he'd done hit him, and suddenly he craved her light again, worse than ever. His shadows felt bigger, his darkness blacker. He caved to them completely, because maybe that would numb the cold absence of red hair and emerald eyes.
~Year 6~
It was in year six that Potter did something unforgivable; he saved his life. A life debt, to Potter no less. Severus could never forgive him for that.
It was also in year six that news of Voldemort really hit the school. There'd been murmurs, rumors of death- especially in the Slytherin common room- for years, but now it flooded everywhere, into every nook and cranny like a tidal wave rushing from a broken dam.
Voldemort was feared to the point that many refused to utter his name aloud. He was the enemy of the Ministry and muggle-borns (Severus could never bring himself to say mudblood, not after it happened). He stood by neglected half-breeds (the giants, the centaurs), and, most importantly, he was recruiting followers. It was finally time to stop thinking and pick a side.
And Severus knew then that here, here was a man that was darker than he was. Here was a man who offered a fresh start, who offered the chance to be feared. Never again would anyone- Potter or otherwise- grind him under the heels of their shoes as if he were nothing.
So when half of Slytherin made good on their words and joined Voldemort's ranks, he was one of them.
~Year 7~
Year seven. The last year at Hogwarts. NEWT year, and the atmosphere was mixed with apprehension for exams and fear of the Death Eaters and their master.
Potter and Lily were appointed Head Boy and Head Girl (how Potter had managed it, Severus would never know). They had become… close. They still bickered, but they didn't argue. Potter, many said, had grown up over the last two years.
(Severus disagreed. Potter would always be the same. Otherwise, why would the Head Boy still bully him when Lily's back was turned? No, Potter would never change.)
Then new news swept Hogwarts; Lily had finally caved to Potter. Their growing friendship that had been all semester in the making had finally escalated into something more. The Head Boy and the Head Girl were dating.
It made Severus sick to see them together, Potter holding her close like she was his. It was terrible that now "Potter" was "James" to her, while he was just "Snape". It was worse to see Lily so happy with him, because they were both fire and it wasn't fair that Potter had her while he had nothing.
Opposites were supposed to attract.
(But, whispered some dark, traitorous part of him, weren't Potter and Lily opposites? He was a wildfire. She was the corresponding warmth, the light from a hearth that tamed his energy and made Potter better. He ignored this part of him.)
So, Severus bid his time. He waited, because surely fire and fire would combine to make something explosive and their relationship would be doomed to flames.
He waited. And waited. Instead of exploding, they grew steadily closer. Still, he remained in denial, insisting to himself that Potter and Lily could never be together.
Then they learned how to cast a Patronus Charm, and he was overjoyed when he mastered the difficult spell.
That was, until he saw Potter's.
The Head Boy's Patronus was a stag. Lily's was a doe. The teacher was overjoyed, prattling on and on about how rare it was and how they must've been soul mates, and he just wouldn't. shut. up.
Severus's Patronus flickered out; he couldn't force himself to even pretend to be happy enough to sustain it.
It was the last day when Lily finally, finally approached him again, after two long years of near-silence as they'd grown apart. She looked distinctly uncomfortable when she said her good-byes. There was so much Severus wanted to say (I'm sorry for everything, I love you, I'm so sorry) but the words got jumbled in his throat and Potter had whisked her away before he could choke out a single word.
Severus Snape was not a thick student. From year one, he had known several things to be facts, the same way one might know the sky is blue. He knew that he excelled in potions, and the dark arts. He knew he would never be good at riding a broomstick, let alone the popular sport Quidditch, and that Slytherin was the only house that would appreciate the talents he did have.
There were other facts he had learned over the years, but facts he knew just the same:
He also knew that he loved Lily Evans so much it hurt, and what hurt worse was that he knew she loved another man. To further add insult to injury, he knew he had been the one to push her away.
He knew he was darkness and shadow.
He knew James Potter was a wildfire, untamed and destructive and wild. (Except he had been tamed, hadn't he?)
He knew Lily was fire and warmth and safety, like the fire in a hearth.
He also knew that just a year after graduation, Lily Evans became Lily Potter.
And it was an undeniable fact that Severus Snape had lost a game he hadn't been aware he was playing until it was far, far too late.
"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."
― John Green
Hope you enjoyed- once again, please leave a review. Believe me, this piece, although short, was a monster in the making. If you're on your way over to drop me a review, let me know: James/Lily or Snape/Lily? Personally, (as mentioned in the A/N in the beginning), I'm all for James/Lily, but I'm curious.
Until next time :)
-Qwerty