Author's Note: This is a sister story to one my friend is writing. You can read one, but I suggest you read both. It's the very funny lamentations of Roy Mustang.
Enjoy!
(Oh yea, I own nothing!)
Monday
8:40 AM
Outside Lieutenant Colonel Mustang's office
I'd kill Führer Bradley if I could.
8:41 AM
Well, I'm not saying I can't. In fact, I could probably get him in one shot fifty feet away. But, it's blatantly obvious that if you shoot The Führer, you're dead no more than twenty four hours.
8:43 AM
But, still. He thinks he's so funny. He's the only reason I'm writing in this stupid thing in the first place.
Well, now that I think about it, I take it back. It's not The Führer's fault—it's Roy's. He comes in today with this stupid little notebook that's he's holding like it's that stupid Philosopher's Stone. Well, here comes Führer Bradley. And, being the nosy guy he is, asks what was so special about that stupid little notebook.
"It's my dia…I mean journal of events that happen to me. You know, important assignments and stuff. I feel that it's important to write all my crowing achievements down for the future generations so they can only try to imitate my greatness."
I, since I was standing nearby, did all I could not to burst out laughing. Roy Mustang, the big shot Lieutenant Colonel and Flame Alchemist, was keeping a diary? It was one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.
But, for some reason, Führer Bradley thought it was the most intelligent idea he'd ever heard. He actually encouraged it. Then, to make things worse, he turns to me and tells me that I should do the same. I outright refused. I explained, that with all due respect, I had better things to do than sit around and scribble what coffee I ordered with breakfast. That, unlike others, I didn't have time to do such things.
…Roy was less than amused.
Anyway, about half an hour later, Führer Bradley walks by and gives me this stupid red notebook. He said I should find time to write down everything like Roy is.
Which is why, if he wasn't Führer, I'd kill him on the spot.
8:47 AM
I know the only reason he did this was because:
I had no interest in doing this whatsoever
Roy's doing it, and he's an idiot. Imitating him in anyway would be adding insult in injury.
He must've somehow found my high school transcripts to discover I had a solid C average in writing and language.
8:49 AM
I was always more of a math person.
8:50 AM
There is no way in hell I'm going to keep writing in this thing.
8:51 AM
I still don't get why I'd need to.
8:52 AM
"Excuse me? Before I kill you, do you mind if I right down the experience and how I feel right now for future generations?"
8:53 AM
Yea…I'm sure any criminal maniac will buy that.
8:54 AM
I bet the only reason Roy is doing this is to get out of paperwork.
8:56 AM
Just as I guessed, he's using his stupid notebook to get out of paperwork.
8:57 AM
I mean, it wasn't like he was trying to hide it or anything. Not that he needed to, what having Führer Bradley's support and all, but still. He was just hunching over the desk and scribbling in his notebook while there was a pile of paperwork on his desk. I rolled my eyes. If I didn't do anything, he'd never get it done.
"Sir, what are you doing?" I asked as I scanned his pile of work still to be done.
"Working." He didn't give any more than that. I suppose he just assumed I would accept that while I watched him write in that stupid notebook that I saw him with this morning. I swear, Roy Mustang is a moron.
"On the paperwork?"
"No," he acted as if it was no big deal, which was not the case. Especially since have of it is due day.
I rolled my eyes. "So what other work would it be then?"
He just shrugged. I could've shot him then and there.
"Sir, isn't that a little lazy?"
"I'm not lazy."
I rolled my eyes. Roy always had a habit of cleverly missing the point. "That wasn't the question."
"It's not lazy."
"Sure it isn't." I said as I walked out of the room. There is only much stupidity someone can handle.
"You don't believe me, do you?"
"Nope," I didn't look back, nor did I hesitate. It wasn't my fault that he was a complete and total moron.
9:03 AM
I hear mumbles coming out of Roy's office. I'm not sure who he's talking to. I'm also not sure if I want to find out.
9:04 AM
Last time I checked, he was alone in there. And, seeing as I'm sitting by the only entrance, I would've seen them. Was it a phone call?
9:05 AM
I have an idea of whom…or should I say what…he is talking to. But, I'm not sure if I want to know if I'm right or not.
9:07 AM
I just peeked in the door of his office. He didn't even notice. He was too busy writing in his notebook. And yes, I was correct…he is actually speaking what he was writing. He was mentioning something about proving to me I'm not lazy…and miniskirts. I'm not sure if I want to know. So, I closed the door almost all the way. But, I allowed the door to stay open enough so that I could hear what he was saying. After all, listen to him talk all day to his notebook might provide some entertainment.
9:08 AM
I told Roy that people would think he was lazy if he just put that stupid notebook down and do the paperwork. Maybe he'll take a hint and actually work.
9:09 AM
What the hell was I thinking? It's Roy we're talking about. He's never been consistent about paperwork for a day since he's gotten here. He'll either find a mirror to stare at or go chasing after some bug. Or, in more recent times, write stuff down in a notebook about how awesome he thinks he is.
9:10 AM
"Look at me, I'm Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang. I can't fire a gun, so I snap and blow things up. I spend five hours on my hair and I think I'm so cool…"
9:12 AM
…
9:13 AM
That never happened.
9:14 AM
Just told Roy to put the stupid notebook down and do some paperwork for a change.
9:17 AM
Roy's given up all mumbling and is now shouting out everything he chooses to write in that stupid notebook of his.
"She also knows that the reason that I've been slacking off on my work is to write in this di--journal.
Yes. It is in fact, a journal to document my rise to Fuhrer.
Yes.
Let's go with that."
Passer by are giving his office doors strange looks as they walk by. I think they're misinterpreting what he's saying.
9:20 AM
Don't think of is as him planning to overthrow our leader, creating a new order, and in a sense betraying the whole country. Think of it as…
…well…
…never mind. That pretty much hit the nail on the head
9:33 AM
I've said it once I've said it a million times. Roy Mustang is a moron. Once I was sure that he was talking to himself, and when I was sick of the weird stares at his office door, I walked inside his office. Whatever he was writing must've been pretty damn important. He didn't even look up at my entrance. So, I took a seat in a nearby chair and listened to him rant on to himself. It was quite amusing.
Finally, I told him that people are getting the wrong idea from him screaming at the top of his lungs whatever the hell he wants to put in that stupid notebook of his. I chose that point to walk out of the room. But, while I was still pretty much in the doorway (so he couldn't see me but I could still hear and see him. Then again, it's not that hard. I was pretty sure people in Timbuktu could hear him at this point), I told him people were getting the wrong idea about what he was saying…I'm sorry…screaming to his stupid notebook. Then, and I swear, he responded to me in that stupid notebook while saying it out loud.
He does realize the purpose of a stupid notebook like that is to record your thoughts and daily events to yourself . As in without others hearing.
…He's now accusing me of being able to read through walls. I rolled my eyes and explained I've been here the last five minutes. He just never ceases to amaze me.
9:26 AM
By that I mean how stupid he is…
9:27 AM
And nothing else.
9:28 AM
Hey, you don't know him like I do. He thinks he's so cool just because he knows a thing or two about alchemy. Big deal. I could do that if I really wanted to. I just found it more useful to learn how to fire a gun.
9:30 AM
This way, whenever it's turns a little damp outside, I'm not at the complete mercy of my enemies. At least this way, I have options. All he can do is snap and hope something happens.
9:32 AM
I wonder what would happen if his glove didn't spark?
10:02 AM
Lady's locker room
What I just read was impossible and is in no way real. I just can't be.
10:03 AM
It still can in no way be possible.
10:04 AM
I mean, the kids aren't even thirteen!
10:05 AM
Maybe it would help if I started at the beginning?
I was relived of my babysitting duties when I finally convinced Roy to do some paperwork. I sometimes wonder if it would be helpful to keep that moron on a leash.
Anyway, now that I didn't have to sit there and made sure he did what he was supposed to, I headed over to the mailroom. I have a friend who works down there, and we sometimes talk whenever I don't need to stand right next to Roy so his head won't get blown off. Today, when I walked in, I found her staring at a letter as if she was trying to see what was inside desperately.
"Morning, Jay. Anything interesting today?"
"Actually, yes." She replied as she handed me the letter she was holding. I scanned it see that it was addressed to Roy. However, it didn't look like the official stuff he normally gets.
"It says it's from the Elric brothers. I'm not sure who they are. Does the name ring any bells?"
To tell the truth, I did. I didn't want to tell Jay, for she wasn't in the military when it happened. But, there was still no way it could possibly be what I thought it was.
"Riz, your eyes…they looked scared. Is something wrong?"
I didn't want her to get involved, or yelled at by Roy when he got this. "Um…nothing. But, I think I'll deliver this to him myself, if that's okay?"
Jay only nodded, and then I left. I walked in the general direction of Roy's office, but my mind was focused on the letter. How could've the Elric brothers gotten Roy's address? Better yet, why did they want to mail something to him? Something like this should've been sent straight to Roy.
10:10 AM
I shouldn't go on…
10:11 AM
If anyone read this, I'd be fired!
10:12 AM
But I just couldn't help it!
10:13 AM
I have to tell someone this.
10:14 AM
Maybe I could tell Hughes. He never shuts up about his wife, so maybe he won't even listen…
10:15 AM
That'll never work…
10:16 AM
Ok, fine! I'll write what happened next.
I am normally one to follow orders, but I couldn't help it this time. Something like this was just too out of the ordinary to be ignored. So, after making sure nobody was looking, I made a mad dash for the lady's locker room. There aren't many female personnel in Central, so I would get some privacy. Once there, I wasted no time. I pulled a knife out from my pocket…
…what? So I carry a pocket knife. I don't show it that often because I find guns a lot more useful. But, hey, you never know when you may need to open mysterious letters that belong to higher authorities.
10:18 AM
Maybe I shouldn't have said that.
10:19 AM
Oh, what the hell? They don't need to read this far to fire me if anyone gets this anyway. I mean, I start by saying that I want to shoot The Führer!
10:20 AM
I was extra careful in opening the letter. I didn't want to make it look like it had been opened before. Luckily, this was the kind of thing I used to do as a girl to my sister's mail.
…shut up.
The letter itself was short. But, once I began to read it, it scared me nonetheless. It said:
Dear Roy Mustang,
My name is Edward Elric. My brother, Alphonse, and I are the sons of Hohenheim Elric. We don't know much about him, but we do know he was in contact with you. He left us when we were born and haven't seen him since. Normally, we wouldn't care enough about him to write to you, but this is serious.
My mother is gravely ill. We don't know what's wrong with her, but we believe seeing father again will help her get better. We've written to everyone father ever was in touch with in hopes they know where he is. Any help would be appreciated.
The Elric brothers
I must've read it about four times before I could fully comprehend it. Though I never met them, I couldn't help feeing a small bit of sympathy for the boys. All they wanted was to help their mom. I checked the date of the letter. It was a while ago. Whoever these kids were, they must've lived far. I'm not even sure if their mom is still alive anymore. I figured that Roy had better see it, in case he did know something about their father. But still, this was Hohenheim we're talking about…
I got some tape from my locker and resealed the letter. It looked pretty good if I do say so myself. I then walked out of the locker room and headed down to Roy's office. All the while, my head was spinning.
Along the way, I ran into a solider with some files. He looked like he wasn't handling them too well.
"Need some help?" I asked. Sure, I should've been giving this to Mustang, but I just couldn't help it. The man looked relived and handed me the top few folders. I nearly dropped them, because of one particular one that caught my eyes:
The Elric Brothers
There was no possible way this could do with the letter. And yet…
"I'll take this one…" Before he could protest, I made a mad dash in the opposite direction. Once I was a safe distance, I looked inside.
Apparently, this Edward kid tried a human transmutation and lost a leg in the process. He also managed to seal his brother's soul to a suit of armor.
10:26 AM
…this kid hasn't even hit puberty yet! And he's already better than Roy!
10:27 AM
Then again, I'm pretty sure most monkeys are better than him.
10:28 AM
Anyway, it said that they wanted someone to go check it out. I figured it would be perfect, since Roy got that letter and all. However, as I scanned the file, it said that they wanted Armstrong to go check it out.
That idiot can't even keep his shirt on for more than five seconds. How can he expect to talk to this kid without scarring him for life? Not even that, Roy had to see this kid. He wrote the letter, damnit, so he should get to see him.
…still, I feel bad for the kid. Out of all the people in the military their father could've been in contact with…
Anyway, while it was against my better judgment, I did the absolute worst thing ever…I erased Armstrong's name and wrote down Roy's. We were taught the first day not to do that. But, it had to be done!
Once I was done forging documents and confirming my time in the federal prison, I made my way to his office. Just as I guessed, he hadn't even touched the paperwork. I had to grab my right wrist so I wouldn't pull my pistol out.
"Look, sir, I'll make you a deal." I said as I walked over. "I'll stop bugging you if you just read through this one file, ok? It's important." Roy didn't look up from his stupid notebook. And I swear I could've punched him. But, he mumbled something like an "ok." So, I walked out.
No, I take that back, I ran out as fast as humanly possible. I was not going to sit there and watch him match my handwriting. I'll explain the letter to him later.
10:32 AM
Maybe…
10:33 AM
Well, I guess I have to.
10:34 AM
Maybe I can get Havoc to do it. Havoc usually does things for me if I hold my gun high enough…
10:35 AM
Nah…Havoc may be easily forced into doing things…but he also can't hold a secret.
10:36 AM
I'd ask Hughes, but he'd never get to the goddamned letter. He'd go on a three hour tangent about his wife, and then remember he had to do something else.
10:37 AM
sigh I'm surrounded by idiots…
2:27 PM
Driving to Risenbool
I'm going to kill Roy Mustang…
2:28 PM
Right after Führer Bradley…
2:29 PM
Damn, if anyone got their hands on this stupid notebook…
2:30 PM
Which, by the way, I have no intention to keep writing in…
2:31 PM
Anyway, back to the death of Roy. For some reason, he dragged me on this stupid trip to see these boys. What am I supposed to do, one may ask. I'm supposed to sit here and endure a 6 hour ride (half the time if we took the train, may I add…) to some small town in the middle of nowhere to meet the boy who did the bad transmutations.
It happened today! How the hell does the military know about it?
2:33 PM
Roy's mumbling to his stupid notebook again, it's really starting to scare me…
3:15 PM
I'm so bored…
3:20 PM
This part of the trip doesn't even have some pretty trees I can stare at!
3:23 PM
Roy finally fell asleep. I can finally get some peace and quiet from that stupid mumbling of his.
4:56 PM
Traffic is killer…
5:17 PM
I can't stop thinking about those two brothers. What could've caused them to even want to do a human transmutation in the first place? It personally worries me. What are these boys capable of? I haven't seen that many cases of human transmutation. I guess that's mainly because you don't go around telling people you're doing illegal alchemy. But, out of all the cases I have seen, none of the casters were under 27. How did these boys manage to even survive the transmutation?
5:43 PM
Watching Roy sleep…
5:44 PM
Wait, I was not watching Roy sleep! I was staring in that general direction…
5:45 PM
Roy Mustang is still and will always be a moron.
5:46 PM
Anyway, while I was looking in the general direction of Roy, I remembered that he still hadn't seen the letter. If he is going to go all this way to see these kids, he might as well know what they did and want. So, I shook him awake. Of course, he wasn't too happy about it. In fact, he looked as if he wanted to blow the whole car up.
"What is it, Hawkeye?" He was cross, so I played it cool.
"Sir, Jay in the mailroom wanted me to give you this on the way to see these Elric boys."
Instantly, he looked ten times happier. "Wonderful! I knew she couldn't hide it forever!"
Okay, I was lost. "Sir?"
"It's obviously a love letter for me! I knew that silly girl couldn't hide her affections forever. Ah, 'tis but a shame we work together. But, still, she's cute."
I sighed, "Sir, I don't think that it's really what you th-"
"Let me see, Hawkeye!" This man just refuses to listen to reason. I wasn't happy, but I handed it over. As soon as he got it, the look of happiness faded. He looked at the letter, then to me, then back at the letter, then the boy's file, and then his glove. What the hell was the glove going to do?
Anyway, he cautiously opened the letter and read it over, his eyes getting wider with each letter. Once he was through, he pocketed it and gave me a stern nod. I knew he was trying to pull off the oh-so-cool Lieutenant Colonel look, but I could tell he was upset that not every girl in the world was in love with him.
8:36 PM
Risenbool
I hate traffic. But, unlike Roy, I can contain my anger. Not to mention, I know that I can't fire harmless drivers. The weird thing is, he didn't try to fire him directly. He was telling his stupid notebook that the driver was fired. Both the driver and I had the same thoughts in our head,
Roy Mustang…you moron.
"Sir, I don't believe that you have the authority to do that." I told him. He didn't look happy. He than began to mumble something about miniskirts, proving himself not lazy, and drivers.
That's the second time today I heard him say anything about miniskirts. I am really growing nervous as to what he's thinking.
8:39 PM
The last time I wore a miniskirt was in high school. And that was only once. I lost a stupid bet. That day I vowed never to wear a miniskirt ever again.
8:40 PM
If Roy's planning something about me and miniskirts, I'll personally blow his head off.
10:47 PM
Outside some automail shop
We're finally here. Roy is trying to look stern, but I can tell he's nervous. After reading that letter, plus knowing that a little kid is better at alchemy than you are, I guess anyone would. I smiled at him to try to help calm him down, he smiled back, but he still had that nervous twinkle in his eyes.
"I should be back soon." As he got out of the car, I remembered something.
"Sir," he seemed startled by my calling out to him. He didn't turn however.
"What, Hawkeye?"
"It's just…you need to remember…these are kids. So, treat them like what they really are…children, and not alchemists."
He paused, and then made a soft laughing sound. "Don't you worry, Hawkeye. I think I can handle myself." And then he left.
…I think his ego is bigger than Armstrong is.
10:59 PM
Driving home
Roy doesn't look happy. I can't say for sure what happened in there, but I'm guessing someone stood up to him.
Note to self: get this place's address. I want to meet the person who put him in his place.
11:01 PM
Roy keeps mumbling that he's not a dog. I guess that's what the people in the house called him. Well, they do have a point. As a state alchemist, people like Roy are at the mercy of the military. But, a dog? Could that be pushing it a little?
Dogs are cute, I like them. They need strict training sometimes, but you can't help but love them.
11:02 PM
Which is why Roy Mustang is not a dog. You can not love Roy Mustang…
11:03 PM
Sure, Roy could use some training, but that's the only similarity.
11:07 PM
Roy refuses to tell me what went on in there. It's really bugging me. It must've been serious…
11:08 PM
I just hope he treated them like kids and not alchemists.
3:40 AM
Home
Whatever happens, I just hope he doesn't suck these two in the military. No kid deserves to be a dog like Roy is…
3:41
Except Roy Mustang is nothing like a dog.
3:42 AM
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
3:43 AM
Shut up.