Title: Computers of Mirkwood
Author: Squirrelchaser
Warnings: Legolas and Thranduil bashing
Summary: Thranduil discovers fan fiction and Legolas finds out why he doesn't have a mother; no real story line; just an attempt at funny
AN: Don't hate me; I love Legolas…he's just so easy to make fun of; don't bother flaming me bc I am poking fun at "everyone's favorite elf;" I really DO like Legolas
Disclaimer: If I were Tolkien, do you really think I would write this? (own nothing; Tolkien does)
Computers of Mirkwood
Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood and admired by many, was skipping down the hall singing his favorite song. ("I love you, you love me, we're a…" ect) to say good night to his Ada.
He was in a pleasant mood as he had just finished brushing his hair (that always had made him feel good) with his most beloved hairbrush (he had several; fourteen; one for every day of the week, each morning and night, lined up and labeled accordingly). He was way past his bed time as brushing had taken a little longer than usual because he had to do it himself; one hundred strokes was the norm and Legolas kept loosing count at twenty and started over every time. It was a good thing the elf who normally saw to his hair would return tomorrow from a council in Rivendell or else he would never get enough sleep. Apparently there had been an emergency involving the twins, Awen, and a hedgehog, and Awen needed her hair put back to normal by a specialist.
After overshooting the entrance to his father's bedchamber by several feet (Legolas forgot exactly where he was going and only remembered when he hit the decorative suit of armor at the end of the hall) he had turned around and paused in the doorway when there was an audible sniff from within.
Thranduil, King of the Sindarin elves of Northern Mirkwood, was sitting on his bed hunched over his laptop newly sent from Gondor as part of a peace alliance. It had taken a year before Thranduil was able to get an internet connection through the forest and another year before he was able to upgrade to cable connection, but the King discovered it was well worth the wait. Until now he had never regretted the new found technology.
"Ada!" Legolas said brightly, bounding into the room and made an attempt at jumping on the bed but misjudged and hit the wall behind. After he had gotten his head un-wedged from between the mattress and the wall he noticed the box of Kleenex that was sitting beside his father. "Wrong father what's?" (He was still a little dazed.)
Long ago Thranduil had gotten used to his son's trauma induced babble; thankfully it lasted only a few minutes…most of the time. "Oh," he said with the morose tone of one that was in want of pity but was feigning indifference, "I just stumbled across a few degrading websites, that's all."
"Oh, okay, going now bed I'm," Legolas, still a little cross eyed, hugged his father good night and jumped off the bed. He had run into the door frame and had almost figured out how to go through it when there was another muffled sob and he turned around.
"I just don't understand!" Thranduil was wailing. "I'm *sniff* a GOOD father; I don't know where these people get the idea for these *shudder* "abusive Thranduil fics!"
Accident prone as he was Legolas had a genuinely compassionate heart. Hating to see his father in distress he skipped back over to the bedside, miraculously avoiding any mishaps. "Talking what you about?"
It took Thranduil a moment to remember that sometimes Legolas talked this way for months on end; heck, sometimes years. "Come here *sniff* Legolas *sob* let me show you something."
"Slash? Father, Aragorn swear I, I never have been with! Thinking what were they?"
Legolas' most recent babble was accredited to the fall of shock off his father's bed he had sustained, nearly taking the laptop with him in the process. He was still on the floor, innocent blue eyes wide with upset (or trauma; one pupil was very large anyway) in the mass of bed sheets he had entangled himself in.
"It gets even worse," Thranduil shuddered. "There are sub genres of you and *gulp, closes eyes and braces himself* Gimli."
After taking a minute to remember who and what they were talking about Legolas let out a wail, curling up under the blankets and shivering at a loss for unordered words.
Reading further, Thranduil thought the depiction of his son as a great archer and suave lover was greatly amusing and inside he was laughing at Legolas' expense. Legolas had yet to figure out which end of the arrow to point at his target when firing (anything he killed was usually a lucky hit, unless it was another elf), and girls generally stayed away from him as he had a tendency to damage them. At least his son had shown no great interest in them anyway, and when he did he usually wanted to brush their hair. But he was also worried that his son's brain would not be able to take the stress much longer, so Thranduil shut the top to the computer and reached down, patting what he hoped was a shoulder. He decided that that was enough fan fiction for a while.
To soothe his troubled thoughts and aching head Legolas made his way to his favorite spot in all of Arda: the bathroom. Originally he had shared a bathroom but when his older brother came back from an extended stay in Rivendell to find that Legolas had redecorated in an extremely bright yellow with a rubber duckie motif, he promptly demanded to be allowed his own bathroom.
And so Thranduil found Legolas chin deep in sudsy foam, the whole bathroom smelling strongly of "Raindrops on Wildflowers" bubble bath (which matched the shower gel, shampoo, conditioner, deep fortifying treatment, lotion, deep moisturizing lotion, body butter, and hand soap – had Legolas shaved he would have the matching "Raindrops on Wildflowers" shave foam – but he does not shave).
Legolas was oblivious to his father's presence, his vision blocked as his eyes de-puffed, and his head phones blaring with the discman precariously balanced on the edge of the tub.
Thranduil took in this scene with amusement, and did not have the heart to tell his son that what he had on his eyes was not cucumber, but slices of zucchini. He also noted with amusement that Legolas had been thoughtful enough to arrange bits of cucumber (zucchini) over the plastic eyes of his favorite companion rubber duckie who sat adjacent to the "Raindrops on Wildflowers" scented shower gel.
~*~I have NO idea where this is going…maybe will continue, maybe not~*~